AXL HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU I LIKE YOU

Hard to believe but our leader turns 47 years young today!

I pretty much exhausted every video and clip of Axl during my Greatest Moments in Axl History countdown a few months back, but I was fortunate enough to find a couple gems by typing "Happy Birthday Axl" into the searchbox on YouTube.

This one made me shed a tear:



But that's nothing compared to this one titled : "AXL HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU I LIKE YOU"



I know right...

Beautiful!! ! And no, that's not me. I wish I could say it was, but unfortunately, I will never be that gorgeous and talented. The emotion is breathtaking. I, for one, do not understand how that cardboard cutout didn't spring to life when she kissed it, you know like in Mannequin. Still, what a performance. It's just really too bad that the people she keeps tied up in her basement didn't sing backup because that really would have put the lotion in the basket.

Our leader finally speaks to us!! Directly!

Our leader has been MIA ever since the release of Chinese Democracy -no interviews, no press, no promotion, no Axl. (That's where I've been by the way, searching all the caves of Malibu one by one with a lantern and a bucket of KFC--sadly to no avail.)

But then all of a sudden, last Thursday, someone with the screenname "Dexter" randomly appeared on the forum of mygnr.com and started going off on another poster, calling him a "cunt." The two went back and forth for awhile and it was eventually revealed that Dexter was in fact Axl Rose (he disguised himself by using "cunt" instead of "fuckhead.") After the site admin confirmed that it was in fact, the real Axl, he then began answering questions from fans on everything from being late to shows, the reunion rumors, and Oprah, and being pretty open (and funny) while doing it.

If that wasn't enough, "Dexter" then went over to another fansite, heretodaygonetohell.com and once again, answered even more questions.

Then the next day he took Carpal Tunnel Tour '08 over to chinesedemocracy.com

You can read a transcript of all of chats HERE. (the best part is when he says he's skateboarding in blue jello while on acid and wearing the white booty shorts) It's pretty amazing stuff (well if you're a nutswingin' diehard like me) and I gotta say, that's a pretty damn cool thing to do. In fifteen years when the next album is released this will definitely rank in the top five of the new Great Moments in Axl History!

Great Moments in Axl History #4-1!

We're in the homestretch homefucks!!!

#4. Goodbye (for now) old band.



What many fans were dreading was finally confirmed back in 1996 when Slash and Duff, the last two original members (besides Axl) of Guns N' Roses quit the band and left Axl with nothing but the name. Axl promised to have a new album (with an all new band) the following summer (that would be 1997). Well, we all know how that went.

In the meantime Slash, Duff, and drummer Matt Sorum joined up with Scott Weiland (good choice after spending so many years with a volatile singer!) and formed Velvet Revolver in 2003. They released two albums with some success. Then, in a familiar story, personalities clashed with their singer and soon Scott was out just in time for a Stone Temple Pilots reunion. This left the three members again looking for a new frontman. Many names flew around, including Lenny Kravitz, but before that happened, the band was dropped from their record label.

Axl finally got around to releasing that album.

Of course everyone wants a reunion of the original band, but as of now, it doesn't seem like that's going to happen (especially if Slash hears a song called "Sorry"), but never say never. After all, Chinese Democracy has been released! So anything is possible!

Until then, we'll always have memories like this:


#3. GIMME SOME REGGAE!!!



I wonder whatever happened to Tracy and Roberta.


#2. "Thanks to the lame ass security, I'm going home!"

It was the perfect moment. GN'R, the best song of all time:"Rocket Queen", a dead Muppet, and the TIGHTY WHITEY BOOTY SHORTS. But then something happened.



Axl was later arrested for the incident and who was there to get the first interview when he was released from court? Duh!



Wanna know why Axl hasn't commented on Chinese Democracy? Nobody asked Kurt Loder to interview him.

#1. It really happened:



What the hell are you still doing here? Get your ass to Best Buy!! (and don't forget to get your free Dr. Pepper) Axl will be pleased.

FOR THE LAST TIME, THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY.

(See you again in about fifteen years for the next batch.)

Alright, that sucked!

Great Moments in Axl History #5

First off, way to copy me MTV!




#5. Axl's down with the Governator

We've spent so much time covering Axl's enemies, that it would seem like he doesn't have any friends. But that's not true! One of his dearest is Ahnold Schwarzenegger.

Long before Chinese Democracy, Arnold the Governor of Caleefornia, and The Sarah Connor Chronicles, GN'R's song "You Could Be Mine" was used in Terminator 2. And the video was awesome. It featured clips of the movie, a cameo by Arnold as the Terminator, and THE TIGHTY WHITY BOOTY SHORTS!! It doesn't get much better than that!



Here's everyone talking about the making of the video:



This wasn't the only time Axl's music was used in one of Arnie's movies. "Oh My God" was featured on the soundtrack to End of Days, but it's best leaving both that song and movie forgetten.

THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT MOMENT IN AXL HISTORY

Great Moments in Axl History #9-6

Sorry, sorry!! I know y'all have been anxiously awaiting the latest installments of Great Moments in Axl History, but I figured the best tribute I can pay to him would be to make you wait for it!

Ok, that's not true. I was just lazy.



#9 The Evil Stephanie Seymour



Once upon a time in a far, far away land called Paradise City there lived a red-haired prince named Prince Axl. Now in this time, Prince Axl was a hot piece and could have had his pick of any of the maidens in the entire kingdom.

One day Prince Axl met a beautiful young woman named Stephanie and immediately fell in love with her. But little did Prince Axl know that the fair Stephanie was really evil and had cast a spell on him! So while Prince Axl wrote her love songs and gave her presents, The Evil Stephanie whored around with all of the other older and richer princes in the kingdom.

Finally, the spell wore off and Prince Axl realized he had been played. The two fought and each accused the other of abuse in the higher court. The village believed The Evil Stephanie because she's evil and Prince Axl was labeled a monster. (This one time, The Evil Stephanie morphed into her other form, a menancing black cat, and was almost caught. So to cover up her alter ego, she told everybody that Prince Axl made her go pee pee into the kitty litter box!) Prince Axl just wanted The Evil Stephanie to go away because what he thought was beautiful didn't live inside of her anymore and they reached an agreement out of the eye of the people of Paradise City.

The Evil Stephanie Seymour eventually married some old, wealthy, king and had babies with him to ensure her endless riches while poor Prince Axl was heartbroken for many years and went into hiding, writing many sad songs. (Hear them on Chinese Democracy, available November 23rd exclusively at Best Buy!)

(Also, beware whenever you see a menacing black cat because it could be The Evil Stephanie Seymour on the prowl.)


#8. Who's the Boss? Duh, who do you think? (AKA: Axl saves the day!)

Here's another story, but this one is a really cool . The plan was for Elton John and Rod Stewart to perform the song "Come Together" to honor John Lennon at the 1994 Rock and Roll Hall Fame ceremony where John was to be (posthumously) inducted as a solo artist. However an earthquake in Los Angeles changed those plans when it hit shortly before the event and they were not able to make it.

The production crew scrambled during the live show to get a replacement to perform the song. They literally went table to table at the ceremony looking for someone! So first, they approached Bruce Springsteen, who politely refused. Then they saw Axl at the next table and asked him. Axl said yes and then pulled up a chair next to Bruce. The two were then seen going over the lyrics for a couple minutes. When the act that was playing onstage during all of this left the stage, Axl and Bruce got up from the table, walked onstage and came together to perform the song.



I always love seeing Axl perform with a straight man as well as on a small stage (the musical equivalent of "fat guy in a little coat"). Awesomeness.


#7. Axl vs. Eagles of Death Metal (AKA: Axl vs. the Pigeons of Shit Metal)


In 2006, Axl invited a little known band called The Eagles of Death Metal (neither the Eagles nor death metal) out on tour with his band as the opening act. During the very first show while the Eagles were on, the audience started loudly booing them. Later, when Axl took the stage he asked the audience if they enjoyed "the Pigeons of Shit Metal," and then told the crowd that he was kicking them off the tour because they sucked.

There are rumors that new GN'R bassist, Tommy Stinson threw down his bass in response to Axl's comment and that Axl picked it up and threw it at him. (Don't know, can't find a video of it, but Tommy's still in the band, so....)

Another reason EODM singer Jesse Hughs claims for Axl's comment was that earlier that night Jesse referred to Axl's BFF Sebastian Bach as "Savage Animal." He claims a pissed off Sebastian told Axl, who wasn't pleased.

Whatever the reason, The Eagles of Death Metal responded to the firing by releasing a statement where they lamely inserted names of GN'R songs:

“ At first, the audience refused to welcome us to the jungle, but by the time we took our final bow, it had become paradise city. Although Axl tried to November rain on our parade, no sweet child o' mine can derail the EODM night train. We say live and let die.”

Later, GN'R management asked the band to rejoin the tour, but they refused. In the end The Eagles of Death Metal ended up receiving full pay for the whole tour despite only playing one show. Not t0o shabby! Hughs mentioned that after the story broke he received a text message from Dave Grohl: (see #33) ‘Disappointment from Axl is like being knighted.’ Well Dave has a point there.

NOTE: Interestingly, yesterday Jesse Hughs praised Chinese Democracy on mtv.com. Sounds like somebody wants another opening slot chance.


#6. Axl vs. Tommy Hilfiger (AKA: "I don't want it to spill")


You remember this one, right? Two years ago at Rosario Dawson's birthday party at The Plumm nightclub in New York, Axl and Tommy Hilfiger got into a disagreement over a drink . Yes, a drink.

See Axl remembers when he was young and broke and a wasted bottle of Nightrain was a sin. So when it looked like Tommy's girlfriend's beverage of choice was dangling dangerously close to the edge of the table, Axl saved the precious alcohol by moving it over. But The Hilfiger got pissed and yelled, "Don't "fucking touch her fucking drink!" and took two swings at him.

Surprisingly, Axl didn't hit back. The Plumm owner Noel Ashman said, "Axl was a gentleman and had the good sense not to retaliate as he would have done some serious damage to Hilfiger." Tommy was escorted out of the club and Axl dedicated the song "You're Crazy" to his "good friend Tommy Hilfiger." Kid Rock, also at the party told Axl the whole incident was "totally Detroit!" because Detroit is known for their mean streets and out of control fashion designers.

Once again, to reenact these events, I give you: Some Guy on YouTube:





THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY.

Great Moments in Axl History #10

Wow, we've hit the top ten already!!!

#10 Axl vs. Vince Neil (listen up Kanye!)

Perhaps the most famous of all of Axl's feuds, was the one with Vince Neil. It all started at (where else?) the MTV Video Awards, when GN'R bandmate Izzy Stradlin hit on Vince's then-wife (I think that was about four wives ago...) Vince took a shot at Izzy. Say it with me: Axl wasn't pleased. He told Vince he was "going to kill him." Soon it became all about Axl and Vince and everybody forgot Izzy had anything to do with it at all (just like with Guns N' Roses!)

The two went back and forth challenging each other. Eddie Van Halen and Sammy Hagar even offered to put up the money to have the fight at Madison Square Garden. But like most of the rest, the fight never happened.






THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY

My dream come true!!!

So guess what? Kanye West has moved up his album release date to November 24th!!! That's right, the day after Chinese Democracy comes out!! Please please please let this turn into a feud!!

As for the reason? Kanye blogged: "I CHANGED MY ALBUM TO NOVEMBER SOMETHING CAUSE I FINISHED THE ALBUM AND I FELT LIKE IT.. I WANT YALL TO HEAR IT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE."

But it looks like Kanye is picking a fight with the wrong person. On his blog today, Kanye posted a photo of Killers' front man Brandon Flowers with the heading "FRESH KID." Hmmm...that's random. Not! See, The Killers' new album has also been pushed up one day to Monday November 24th. (New releases usually come out on Tuesdays.)

No, no, no Kanye!!

Wait, let me rephrase that so you understand:

NO NO NO KANYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BRANDON FLOWERS IS NO MATCH FOR YOU!!! IF YOU WANT 2 SPAR WITH YOUR TRUE THREAT, I SUGGEST YOU GET IN THE RING WITH ONE W. AXL ROSE... OR MAYBE YOU'RE JUST AFRAID 2 BECAUSE YOU KNOW HE'LL KICK YOUR BITCHY LITTLE ASS... LISTEN HERE AXL IS THE TRUE MESSIAH AND KING OF RANTS WHO THROWS TANTRUMS AND SHOWS UP LATE 2 SHOWS, NOT YOUR COPYCAT PUNKASS... LOOK FUCKHEAD , I SEE YOU STANDING THERE... YOU THINK YOU'RE SO COOL? WHY DON'T YOU JUST POST A PHOTO OF AXL WITH THE HEADING "STALE MAN"... I DARE YOU 2!!!!!!!! DO IT KANYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DARE YOU TO RISK INVOKING THE WRATH OF OUR LEADER... DO IT YOU PARASITIC HOMEFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PUT ON YOUR NICEST PINK POLO SHIRT AND THOSE ASININE GLASSES WITH THE SLOTS AND CHALLENGE MR. ROSE TO A DUEL LIKE YOU DID WITH 50 CENT... AXL'S MORE GANGSTA THAN HIM ANYWAY ... SEE AXL GOT SKILLS.. MAYBE YOU DON'T CONSIDER HIM A THREAT BECAUSE MOST OF YOUR FANS DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS OR THINK HE IS NO LONGER RELEVANT, BUT DON'T COUNT OUT ALL THE OLD ROCK FANS WHO ARE GOING 2 GO OUT 2 BEST BUY 2 BUY THE ALBUM THEY'VE BEEN WAITING 2 HEAR FOR WAY 2 LONG, ABOUT 2 HUNDRED YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BE WARNED SQUID BRAINS....HE'LL KNOCK YOUR ASS DOWN 2 THE PAVEMENT....YOU STILL 2 CHICKEN? THAT'S OK, LUCKY FOR YOU, THAT CHICKEN COOP AXL BUILT FOR BUCKETHEAD IS VACANT, SO YOU CAN GO LIVE IN THERE... CHINESE DEMOCRACY STARTS NOW... SO TAKE THAT ONE TO HEART!!!

Round one! You're welcome Axl.

Come on, Fight!! Fight!! Fight!!

In related news, the new Ludacris album has also been moved up a day to November 24th. Wow, it's like they're all a bunch of women whose cycles synched up!

SOURCE

Great Moments in Axl History: 12 -11

#12. The 2002 MTV VMA'S (AKA: Round One?)

This one's inevitable, so let's just get it out of the way.

I will say that I actually do consider this a great moment. Moment, as in the first moment and the first moment only.

That day back in 2002, rumors were flying around the music sites all day. There had been similar rumors every year, but the "new" Guns N' Roses were really going to perform on the MTV Video Music Awards this time! Everyone I knew and their mother called me (like I hadn't already heard).

So all us nutswingers watched the show with our thumbs on "record" and sat through all the bullshit in anticipation of the big moment when our leader would once again grace us with his presence.

Then finally, at the end of the show, the adorable Jimmy Fallon, awesomely as excited as the rest of us, introduces the band like it was Christmas morning . Then we hear the opening riffs of "Welcome to the Jungle" and then, there's Axl! And he lets out this huge scream. And CUT! End of moment.

Because everything that happened after that was pretty much a tragedy. But we'll always have that one minute of "GN'R!! AWESOME!!!"



Skip to the end to see Axl talking about Chinese Democracy. Hey, see, he said it would take awhile!


#11. The 1988 MTV VMA's


Let's just follow that one up with this:





THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY

Great Moments in Axl History : 15 -13

#15: Evict Axl

WTF? Ok, who remembers this contest on MTV because for some reason, I have no recollection of it and that is troubling me. It's not everyday our leader's aura is up for grabs. (I am very sorry oh Sweet Savior O' Ours, please accept my penance of 15 lashings with a wet bandanna.)

Axl's pretty funny and adorable in this clip.



I wonder if it's too late to enter. I think everybody who reads this should send in an entry today. That means MTV would receive about 6 entries for a sixteen year old contest, but it would still be pretty damn funny!

Now British Knight sneakers I do remember! They weren't as cool as LA Gear though (remember those awesome tricked out laces?!) Anyway, if you are wondering whatever happened to those here's some trivia from Wikipedia:

In the early 1990s the Crips street gang wore the shoes and took the "BK" logo to indicate "Blood Killer," in reference to the rival gang. The rumors are reported to have contributed to the decline in popularity of the brand as schools and universities moved to ban the wearing of the footwear in an attempt to curb gang-related violence

Now we know.


#14- The Snake Dance

All great entertainers have their own signature move. There was Elvis and his hip swinging, Michael Jackson and the moonwalk (and later: the crotchgrab), and Madonna has that thing where she humps everything (I apologize for the extreme close-up in the video I posted the other day of her and Britney and for any nightmares that may have resulted). And Axl has the snake dance. Not that a demonstration is required, but here's the Sweet Child video as it is truly the best recorded display.





No one is sure of the origins of the snake dance. Some historians argue an itch, others, a wedgie. There's even a rumor that Axl ripped off the move from Davy Jones (1:14) :



This guy also claims to be the originator:



But one thing's for sure, he has inspired generations of disciples:



#13: Axl's commercial (before he threatened to kick their bitchy little asses)

Ok, first the Evict Axl thing and now this? I'm loving these rare and bizarre-ass gems I'm finding today. It's like Nov. 23rd early!

So back in the days before the interwebs, if you wanted to learn about stuff, you'd read these things called magazines. I guess there was a lot of competition between the metal mags, because one of them, RIP, actually had a tv advertisement to try to get the fuckin' kids to pay their hard earned money to read about the bands they wanna know about.

And guess who it starred?



How randomly awesome is that? I seriously watched it like ten times! What good little product shillers those guys were! Well, actually Slash didn't realize he was shooting a commercial. He was just on the phone with his dealer and the RIP guy said "Dude read this real quick!" Unfortunately, it took forty-eight takes and two bottles of Jack Daniels before the guy was like, "Ok, that's going to have to do!" and turned off his VHS camcorder. My favorite part is the end where's he goes "Don't be stupid!" Of course, our leader was professional as ever, until the end when he gets pissed at Slash because Slash forgot to order his chow mein.

And yeah, they did say "an advice column by Lita Ford's MOM!"


THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY

Great Moments in Axl History #16

#16. Axl vs. Warren Beatty

You know how if somebody cheats on you, instead of getting mad at them, it's sometimes easier to take it out on person they are cheating on you with? Especially if the person they are cheating on you with is a parasitic homefuck like Warren Beatty?

The story goes like this: A Victoria's Secret model named The Evil Stephanie Seymour was dating Warren Beatty. Then she dumped him for Axl. Then The Evil Stephanie Seymour (allegedly) hooked up with Warren behind Axl's back while GN'R was on tour. Then Axl found out. Somewhere in there Axl bought a really unfortunate blue and red jacket.

Then this happened:



Warren never responded to Axl's rant and is still married to Annette Benning. The Evil Stephanie Seymour and Axl broke up about a year later after she cheated on him with a bunch of other dudes (allegedly). Then she married some old billionaire guy. We still don't know if "You're So Vain" is about Warren or what Victoria's Secret is. Madonna had two children, got married, started speaking in some weird fake British accent, got divorced, and is now banging A-Rod. No one knows whatever happened to the jacket.


THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT MOMENT IN AXL HISTORY

Great Moments in Axl History #17

#17: Where's Slash? (AKA - Axl is not amused)

It's pretty common knowledge that Slash has not been in Guns N' Roses for quite some time, however some people are still not aware of that fact.

So once and for all, for all the fuckheads out there that still require clarification, Axl will now correct you on Slash's whereabouts:



It's ok, it's ok. Slash escaped. Be careful though, because he seems to have a habit of climbing up inside people. He always gets out though:



THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT MOMENT IN AXL HISTORY

Great Moments in Axl History #18

#18. Axl vs. his neighbor (AKA: Not right next door to Mr. Rogers)

Annoying neighbors. Who doesn't have them? This one time, I lived in this apartment and had this wacko lady that looked like Steve Urkel who used to knock on my door SEVERAL TIMES a day asking for random stuff: "Can I have a cigarette?" "Can I have a teabag?" "Can I borrow some salt?" "Got any cheese?" (ok, I made the cheese one up. But that would have ruled because she really did look like Urkel) I often thought to myself, If only I had a wine bottle to bash over her head!

In October 1990, Axl and then-wife Erin Everly lived in a condominium in West Hollywood and they had such a dilemma. It was a pretty bad time to be dealing with bitchass neighbors too. Erin had just suffered a miscarriage and their relationship was strained. Late one night, Axl and the neighbor got into an argument in the hall and it got all crazy. The police were called and the neighbor accused him of hitting her over the head with a wine bottle which Axl was arrested for.



Ok, what the fuck kind of slanted-ass report is that? And also, it was SLASH that swore on the awards show, not Axl. God, Kent Shocknek, some reporter you are! Kurt Loder would never make a mistake like that. Can we just get him? I bet Axl would even give him his side of the story.



See, she was a crazy bitch and she was lying! Axl speaks the truth!

In the end the case was dismissed due to lack of evidence. But Axl did get a song out of it.

Since then, Axl has improved his neighboring skills and even saved his new neighbor's house in a fire earlier this year:



THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY

Great Moments in Axl History #19

#19: Ain't That Fresh?

With all this Presidential Election talk, I almost forgot to post today's Great Moments in Axl History clip. How silly of me! I must remember to keep everything in perspective after all, you know? I mean Presidential elections happen every four years, but new music from our (real) leader can take up to fifteen!

Think about it, the last time we got a new GNR album, Bill Clinton was in office! Well a lot sure has gone down since then and I'm not just talking about Monica Lewinsky!

So in keeping with today's theme, here's GNR's most political song, "Civil War." Axl even dresses in both army camouflage and an American Flag jacket (2:35) !





Wow that was actually some pretty prophetic shit :

Look at the shoes your filling
Look at the blood we're spilling
Look at the world we're killing
The way we've always done before
Look in the doubt we've wallowed
Look at the leaders we've followed
Look at the lies we've swallowed
And I don't want to hear no more

So no matter which candidate wins, lets just hope they have the good sense to listen to the words of W. Axl Rose: "What's so civil about war anyway?" Word.


THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT MOMENT IN AXL HISTORY

Great Moments in Axl History: #22-20

#22: Axl and Elton John (aka - Axl Rose does not hate gay people!)

Hey remember when there was all that controversy over Eminem (who many called homophobic because of his song lyrics) performing with Elton John at the Grammy's a few years ago? Sure you do. They performed the song Stan and it was very touching the way they came together to perform a song about a murder/suicide to show the world that there was no hate there. Then they hugged and Eminem gave the audience the double bird. And after that, everything was magically ok. Elton made everything better.

But that wasn't the first time Elton performed with a young, controversial, potty-mouthed star accused of being a homophobe. Ten years before the Eminem performance, Guns N' Roses were under a lot of fire for lyrics to their song, One in a Million, in which Axl basically uses every offensive slur and streotype there is to describe an ignorant kid from Indiana's bigoted view of the world when he arrives in Los Angeles. Despite much "I didn't mean ALL of them" back pedaling and many rants attempting to explain where the song came from, the band were still labeled as bigots by many groups and were even kicked off an AIDS benefit show.

Enter Elton John (a personal hero of Axl's) to weave (no pun intended) his magic at the Freddie Mercury Tribute show.



Elton John, Freddie Mercury's music, and Axl in a skirt!! Hey, maybe he's not such a hater after all! Since then, they two became pretty good friends and even teamed up again at the MTV Video Music Awards in 1992 to perform November Rain:




It doesn't appear that the two have had much contact in recent years, but if they have, shame on you Elton for not giving Axl the number of your hair guy!

#21 Axl vs. The Press (aka: "I'll kick your bitchy little ass, punk!")

In another controversial song (that's what's missing from the new stuff! Controversy! Well that and Slash. And Duff....And, nevermind.............) Axl decided to add one of his awesome rants into a song on the album and call out, by name, every rock journalist and media mogul that ever pissed him off. The band added in some boxing metaphors and screaming crowds for added effect and it made for a pretty awesome fight song to play loudly as you drive your car really fast when you're pissed at somebody. The song was aptly titled Get In the Ring.

Here's a fanmade video of the song with clips from Celebrity Deathmatch. (It was between this one and an anime one.)




If "Bob Guccione Jr. at Spin, what you pissed off cause your dad gets more pussy than you? Fuck you, suck my fuckin' dick!" wasn't the nineties version of "I hope Neil Young will remember, a Southern man don’t need him ‘round, anyhow," then I just don't know what was.


#20: The Second Greatest Video of All Time (aka: What's with the dolphins dude?)

It didn't seem possible, but Axl followed up November Rain with an even bigger epic production.

Originally the idea was for it to star (the Evil) Stephanie Seymour, but she and Axl broke up before the filming began, so some changes had to be made to the plot. So, it goes like this: The Feds bust in Axl's house, some kids play on a swing, Micheal Bolton and other people dressed in white take Axl's stuff away, Axl is crazy and sad so he goes on a Carnival cruise, then he gets really pissed the Dolphin Experience was filled (You HAVE to sign up for those excursions early!) so he takes matters into his own hands and jumps off the ship and finds some dolphins to swim with, and Slash is Jesus (like we needed proof!)



THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY

Great Moments in Axl History: #24 & 23

#24: Axl's BFF

Then and now

Axl and Sebastian "SAVAGE ANIMAL" Bach go back a long time. But in 2006, the two seemed to become inseparable.

It started with Sebastian popping up at Guns N' Roses' pre-tour shows in New York's Hammerstein Ballroom to duet with Axl. Soon after, the two were spotted everywhere together. They also worked together - Axl recorded on a couple of Sebastian's songs on his Angel Down album, and he let Sebastian in on the recordings for Chinese Democracy. Baz has said he sings on a song called "Sorry." Later that year, Sebastian opened for GN'R on their tour. And if that's not enough, Sebastian even got to pick up Axl's dry cleaning a few times!!

In all seriousness, Baz has been great for Axl. He really seemed to be able to get Axl to come out of his shell and lighten up. He's kind of like Jessica Tandy's character was to Kathy Bates's in Fried Green Tomatoes, but instead of "TOWANDA!!!" you yell "SAVAGE ANIMAL!" (See Kathy Bates was all depressed and shit....nevermind, no idea where that came from.) Anyway, here's a fun example I found of Sebastian and Axl playing with their lightsabers (get your mind out of the gutter!) and signing autographs after one of the Hammerstein shows.



Here's Baz talking about all the fun they had touring together:

"I spent a better part of a year on the road with him getting fucking crazy! Axl is like a one-man LED Zeppelin. You wanna talk about partying 'til 2PM the next afternoon and showing people how it's done! This motherfucker is like Jack Nicholson on the microphone. I don't even know what the fuck that means! We had Avenged Sevenfold out with us and they're a great band. We were in Europe. We'd do a show at the arena and Axl would go on around midnight. Then he'd go and rent out a club starting at like 5AM every fucking day! I don't know how he found those places! I was like, 'Where the fuck are we going to go at 5AM in Prague, Czechoslovakia?' Sure enough, he gets a club as the sun is coming up and our buses roll in. We stumble up these stairs as the sun is shining in and he says, 'Time to start the party!' I can't even begin to describe that tour."

(Can't you just picture him talking all fast and hyper and cracking himself up? It's like with a male dog, just gotta let him finish.)

It's even rumored that Sebastian may have had a part in convincing Axl to finally release Chinese Democracy! Go Baz!

Here's Bazaxl performing together.

So cute, they just can't quit each other!


#23: The Greatest Video of All Time


This one needs no explanation (even though it does star the evil Stephanie Seymour):



To learn more about the story, read this.


THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY

Great Moments in Axl History: #25

#25: Axl vs. James Hetfield

It seemed like good idea. The two biggest rock bands of the time double-headlining a tour of stadiums in the summer of '92. What could possibly go wrong?

Surprisingly, not so much, as the Guns N' Roses/Metallica tour started off pretty well and with no major problems.

But then came August 8th in Montreal.

During the beginning of their song "Fade to Black," which is about wanting to die, Metallica's lead singer James Hetfield nearly did after he walked too close to a pyrotechnic flash and suffered second and third degree burns. Because he is not Axl Rose, Metallica's set was cut short and James was taken to the hospital. Pussy!

This meant that GN'R who were up next after Metallica, would have to take the stage earlier than planned to keep everything moving along, right?

Wrong. Duh! Everyone knows that the energy needs to be just right, and sometimes you just have to wait. (It's like Heinz, deal with it!) Well, everyone except for those damn Canadians at the show that night, who began to become impatient. The nerve!

Guns N' Roses finally took the stage, but about an hour into their set, Axl ended the show due to throat problems and monitor issues. Those are very, very, serious things dammit! All hopped up on too many Labats and already pissed off about getting gypped out of one band's full show, the crazy Canadians rioted.

Here's Tabitha Soren to tell us all about it (Is anyone else having deja vu watching these old MTV clips?) Oh and if you have an alcoholic beverage, take a swig every time Lars Ulrich tosses his hair back:


You can almost see Axl off-camera yelling to Slash "The monitors!! Talk about the monitors some more!"

After that incident, things got even worse between Axl and James, St. Anger kind of worse, and the two sparred back and forth ranting about each other to their audiences.

Tabitha?



As with many of Axl's feuds, it never resulted in an actual physical fight. (James was a little cowardly.) It is rumored that Metallica's song "King Nothing" is about Axl.

The two really should make up as many years have passed and they now have a lot in common. Both had/have new albums coming out this year and both have issues with illegal downloading.

THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT MOMENT IN AXL HISTORY

Oh and speaking of the crazy Canucks, check out this commercial which aired on Canadian television last night:

Great Moments in Axl History: #26

#26 The one time we'd actually understand, the show goes on (aka: Axl's Stigmata)

When you go to a Guns N' Roses show, you go sort of half expecting something's going to happen and it will get cut short. You don't want to, but you can't help it. (see #32 Thou Shalt Not Piss Off Axl). So for fans in Dayton Ohio, January 14, 1992's show seemed like one of those nights when only four songs into the show, Axl sliced his hand open on the microphone stand.

Everyone stopped.

Everyone held their breath.

Everyone waited for him to run off the stage (which would have been perfectly acceptable this time).

But.....

Amazingly, Axl kept on keeping on. He wrapped a towel around his mangled hand and finished the show without missing a note! He got stitched up later that evening and had surgery the following day. Our leader sure is full of surprises sometimes.

Don't believe it? Here's videographic proof and Kurt Loder does NOT lie:



Ironically, he wisely chose to wear the red booty suit that night.


THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT MOMENT IN AXL HISTORY

Great Moments in Axl History: #'s 29 - 27

#29 Axl and Buckethead (aka: The Chicken Coop)

While looking for replacement members for his new version of "Guns N' Roses", Axl Rose figured it would be a good idea not only to get a renowned virtuoso to be his new guitarist, but also someone that people would refer to as 'the crazy one" whenever in a room with Axl.

That person (or something) came in the form of Buckethead. For those that don't know, Buckethead is called that because he wears a KFC bucket.....wait for it..... on his head!! He also wears a Michael Meyers (the horror movie killer, not the guy that played Austin Powers) mask, and is also known to communicate through a hand puppet.

During the ill-fated 2002 Guns N' Roses tour, Buckethead's awesome solos involved a rousing nunchuck routine, the robot, playing the Star Wars theme, then wrapping it all up by giving out toys to the audience members.


Soon though, Buckethead grew tired of the canceled shows and delays with the album (maybe he wasn't so crazy after all!) and decided he wanted out of Guns N' Roses. Axl was not happy about this and tried everything to convince Buckethead to stay in the band. In a rare-display of ass-kissing, Axl accommodated Bucket's every request, which included taking him to Disneyland and having a chicken coop built in the studio. One time, one of Axl's wolfpups got into the coop and took a shit. Since no one else was allowed in the coop, no one cleaned it. Buckethead said he liked the smell and refused to get rid of the shit, resulting in the studio smelling for days. (There was also a rumor that Buckethead had actual chickens in the coop and one of the wolfpups ate them.) Then Buckethead wanted a tv system in the coop so he would be able to watch hard-core porn while he recorded, which was agreed to also until one day Axl saw the crazyass shit he was watching and became offended and said he didn't want it messing with the "creative spirit" of the record (yes, this from a guy who you can actually hear having sex on one of his songs!)

Buckethead eventually flew the coop for good in 2004. Axl's team released the following statement:

During his tenure with the band, Buckethead has been inconsistent and erratic in both his behavior and his commitment, despite being under contract, creating uncertainty and confusion and making it virtually impossible to move forward with recording, rehearsals, and live plans with confidence. His transient lifestyle has made it near impossible for even his closest friends to have nearly any form of communications with him whatsoever.

Hmm, pot, kettle, bucket?

Axl has since hired a guitarist named Bumblefoot. It is rumored that VH1 has contacted Axl and let him know that if Bumblefoot ever leaves, they'd be willing to give him a reality show where all the contestants have really stupid nicknames.


#28 Axl's first basketball game (aka: Who the hell is that? )

Ok, this one weirded me the hell out and I had to watch it several times to make sure it was for real. It's a rare interview of Axl (?) at a Lakers game in 2001, the first time he resurfaced (no pun intended) in public in many years.

It's very bizarre for many reasons. First the obvious: the interviewer asks us "Do you know who this is?" And everyone's like "No, should we?" Then he tells us it's Axl Rose. Actually the caption says "Axel Rose," but someone in the control room fixes that shit quick. It sounds like him and the tattoos are there, but what? And the behavior, he's all nice and shit. Then in a bizarre moment, there's some foreshadowing when Axl is asked about "Philly fans." It's seriously some whacked out shit. Watch with caution, especially any of you out there that have weird dreams.


On a positive note, we finally have an answer to the age old question of which came first: the surgery or the braids?


#27 Axl Will Rock Them Shorts

Ok, after that last one I think we can all agree that we are in dire need of some tighty whities, yes? Hopefully they are bright enough to bleach out that last image. So here's Axl performing We Will Rock You with Queen at the legendary Freddie Mercury Tribute show in 1992 at Wembley Stadium:





THIS HAS BEEN GREAT MOMENTS IN AXL HISTORY

Great Moments in Axl History #30

#30: Axl the movie star (aka: Don't blink!)

In the 1988 Dirty Harry film, The Dead Pool, celebrities are killed off one by one (About time for a remake starring Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and Heidi and Spencer, don't you think?). One of these celebrities is a rock star named Johnny Squares:



You are not having an acid trip, that is in fact a very young Jim Carrey lipsynching to Welcome to the Jungle!

Johnny gets offed pretty early in the movie (thankfully after that awesome video!) and Axl and the rest of the original band play....a rock band!!...that come to Johnny's funeral to pay their respects. Seriously, don't blink:


Even though he doesn't have a lot of screen time, you really can tell that Axl really picked up a lot of acting skills during the filming of this movie, later evident in the funeral scene in the November Rain video.


Unfortunately for our leader, Slash got the coolest part :


Though GN'R's music has been used in many movies, this was Axl's first and only foray onto the big screen. (Contrary to popular belief, Axl did NOT play one of the Twins in The Matrix Reloaded:


)


THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT MOMENT IN AXL HISTORY

Great Moments in Axl History #32

Before we get to our next moment, I'd like everyone to turn on their favorite rock station because Chinese Democracy makes it's radio debut today!!! So crack open a Dr. Pepper, crank it up, and rock out! (Well, you'll have to wait for about a minute first because of the intro.) You can hear the final version HERE.


#32 THOU SHALT NOT PISS OFF AXL (aka: The Stupid Fuckheads!)

Remember that Bruce Springsteen video where Bruce plucked a young Courtney Cox from the audience and brought her up on stage to dance badly with him? Ah yes, being pointed out of the crowd by your favorite singer during a concert is a great honor, EXCEPT if it is by W. Axl Rose. That is one time you do not want this to happen because usually it means you have done something that pissed him off. Examples of this type of behavior include throwing things (understandably), spitting (ok, that's understandable too), taking his picture (uhhhh), or giving him the stinkeye (with him on that one).

The good part about this is that you don't have to wonder if you've done something to piss him off because he'll let you know by doing one (or more) of the following things:


Throwing you out:


Taking your camera, bringing you up on stage to insult in front of everybody, then throwing you out:


Calling you a Stupid Fuckhead and threatening to go home:


Actually going home:


But Axl loves us so sometimes he will show forgiveness and give you a second chance if you promise not to throw shit or spit on them again. For some reason though, this usually only happens in countries other than the United States:



So in summary, just remember the most important commandment of all: "THOU SHALT NOT PISS OFF AXL" and everything will be fine..............Unless some other guy pisses him off, because you'll suffer for his sins too.


THIS HAS BEEN A GREAT MOMENT IN AXL HISTORY