Kanye West doesn't care about white country singers

FUCKER
(sung to the tune of "Stronger")

Get lit, start shit, throw fit, just quit
Douchebag, loser, bastard, fucker!

Na-na-na-now they wanna kill me,
Cause I acted like a fucker
I seriously need to grow up now
And stop acting like a soreass sucker
Perhaps maybe I should have allowed
Taylor to talk a bit longer
Man, I’m regrettin’ it right now,
Hope my career don’t suffer

I need help right now,
Where’s my publicist now?

On the sauce tonight,
Was pissed that Beyonce lost tonight.
Jump up on the stage, I'm a douche alright,
Cuz I don't give a crap about being polite
Here comes, hey Taylor give me that award!
Damn, look at me, I’m a real famewhore
I suck ass, I’m immature,
Now nobody likes my rants anymore

How in the presence of greatness
'Can they boo at me? but nevertheless
This will be covered by all the press
That I’m bullying the country princess
Lost my head, went nuts, threw a fit,
It was worse than that time the guy from Oasis spit
Or that dude from Rage climbed up that sh*t
Can’t help it, phony, bein’ a dick
Pickin’ on chicks, later!

Na-na-na-now I blame Hennessey
Can that stuff be any stronger?
I gotta go throw up now
Can’t sit here much longer
I just don’t understand how
Everyone thinks I’m wronger
Than that Lady Gaga blood shit
Beyonce changed her number

I need meds right now,
Call the doctor right now.

I don't know if my date’s a man or not,
Wonderin’ that a lot,
Don’t really matter cause I think she’s hot
Or maybe that should be I think he’s hot
We like to go to Rodeo on shopping sprees
Then go home and check out the latest Glee
But if I had to choose, I’d choose me
.
Ain’t trippin', I'm caught up in my ego, a’ight?
I mean, look at me I’m God-like,
A mirror and KY for a good night
Singing with a vocoder on my mic
Ranting on my blog, CAPS-LOCKED keys I strike
Calling people SQUIDBRAINS and the like
Dressing like Steve Urkel on his prom night
All these things makin me a
Douchebag, loser, bastard, fucker!

Na-na-na- it’s all over tv
About how I’m a fucker
The bitches on the View are saying
“He’s got less manners than a trucker”
I just had a little outburst
This won’t last much longer
It ain’t like I’m Chris Brown
He probably would’ve clocked her

I need nap right now,
I need nap right now.

Seriously, what about that Lady Gaga?
And Pink exposing her ta-ta?
I think Russell Brand had a boner
Beyonce deserved that honor.

Beyonce deserved that honor.
Beyonce deserved that honor.
Beyonce deserved that honor.
Beyonce deserved that honor.

Sorry for the interruption

As a wise man named Eddie Vedder once said, I’m still alive. Hey yeah., Oh. Oh. I’m still alive.

So who missed me?




Mom?





Dad?




God? Are you there God, it’s me Shithead?




Damn Well, if there is anyone out there, I do apologize for my extended leave of absence. But I have returned because this pathetic slut known as Asshat Hollywood needed a good, hard pity fuck really bad and wouldn’t stop sexting me.

Sometimes you just get in a funk, you know?

So I was trying to figure out just why I’ve had no urge to keep up with the going-ons of the attention whores of the world and the answer came to me in a vision of hair extensions attached to a hollow head standing next to a living, breathing douche the other night while watching “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.” See, it’s because lately, the only attention whores in the news aren’t even real stars. I know it’s been heading this way for a while, but now they are the large majority. “They” being these people that are really hard to give a real shit about one way or the other, let alone devote time and energy to make fun of. And most of the time, these dumbasses do enough stupid shit on their own that you don’t need to bother anyway. I mean, look at all the news in the past 48 hours surrounding Heidi and Spencer – “Did they really quit the show? Will they come back again? Are they really being replaced? By who? Heidi’s sister? Wait, Heidi’s SISTER? Who? Why?” Who gives a shit about these twats?

And then of course we have the Jon and Kate saga every fucking second for the past few hundred months. It’s headline news. There’s something really wrong with that. Who the hell are these idiots? They actually had a special report on their marriage problems on E! a few weeks ago. Before all this foolishness, I remember seeing Kate once, (once!) on some show about multiple births and I only remember it because she had this big nasty stomach with saran wrap over it and it made me gag and change the channel and then I was really happy because Empire Records was on FUSE and I love that movie (“Stop calling me Warren!”) Now you can’t change the channel (or go online or to the grocery store) without seeing headlines about John and Kate and that thing on her head. Who gives a shit about these morons?! Is anyone even taking care of those children? She’s making Octomom look normal. And there’s another one. And so it goes and goes and goes.

It’s so sad that nowadays anybody can become a celebrity. I miss the days when a person actually had to have talent and star quality and work their ass off or at least sleep their way to the top to become famous. Because lazy, talentless assholes like me respect people like that. But now, you don’t have to be or do any of those things anymore. All you have to do is:

A) Go on a reality show
B) Be related to someone famous, someone that was on a reality show, or someone really rich
C) Take fertility drugs and have a bunch of babies at once
D) Any combination of the above

I guess that’s actually good news for us lazy, talentless assholes of the world because that means that we too can become famous. We all can! But that presents a problem. This conundrum is best explained in the cinematic classic, To Die For, when at the end after Nicole Kidman gets whacked (speaking of, her face never seemed to recover from being frozen in that lake) Lydia epilogues: “Suzanne used to say that you're not really anybody in America unless you're on TV... 'cause what's the point of doing anything worthwhile if there's nobody watching? So when people are watching, it makes you a better person. So if everybody was on TV all the time, everybody would be better people. But, if everybody was on TV all the time, there wouldn't be anybody left to watch, and that's where I get confused." We’re almost there, Lydia, we’re almost there.


Anyway, I’m gonna stop rambling now and express my thoughts in song.





(You know the drill, hit play and follow along below)

Can someone please tell me
Who these people are?
Who’s Audrina Partridge?
Why are real housewives stars?

Contestants on “The Bachelor”
Are called celebrities
And Kim Kardashian’s sisters
Got their own show on E!

I really don’t understand just how
Your face is on my TV now
When did you to prove to me
Your relevancy?
Who in…the fuck…are you?

I can’t resist the urge to shove pencils in my eyes
Every time I see coverage of one of Jon and Kate’s fights
I don’t care about their issues
Or who is screwing who
But what poor rodent had to die for that wack hairdo?

Somebody tell me how we allow
These twits to turn into cash cows
I have a college degree
But the Pratts make more than me
Who in…the fuck….are you?

Hey you’re not off the hook, yeah you: Susan Boyle
I really don’t care who kissed you, or if you dyed your fro

Oh yeah I did

Cuz all I can say is “fucking wow”
At all the shit that’s popular now
Goddamn reality
Brooke Hogan, get off my TV!
Who in …the fuck….are you?

That goes for everyone on VH1 now
And that freak Vince who sells ShamWow
You bitches don’t count to me
As real celebrities
Who in…the fuck…are you?

　
Well at least the super talented, charismatic, contestant won on American Idol though right? Wait, what?

The Duggars are planning to take over the world

Seriously, think about it: If each of their eighteen kids have eighteen kids of their own, that's 324 Duggars. Then their eighteen kids will have eighteen kids and so on and so on and before you know it, the Duggars will control Earth and we'll all be forced to join that crazy ass cult where everybody has really ugly clothes and bad hair and gets molested by Daddy Jim Bob!! I seem to remember Nostradamus mentioning this once.

And it's starting with their oldest son, Joshua, 21. Joshua's new wife Anna is pregnant with the couple's first child. The couple told PEOPLE they are planning a "name theme" like Joshua's parents (all eighteen kids' names start with "J") which means, they are planning to have many, many more.

SOURCE

All I can say is:

Another womb
Preparing for wreckage
Now that Michelle’s out of her prime
More Duggar children
A new generation
They’ll have two hundred kids combined
And I wonder are they all fucking deranged?
And if under the bad hair, if they have any brains

We don't need another Duggar
We don't need no more sperm to roam
Why couldn’t his wife use some contraceptive foam?

Try looking for something….to do besides spawn
There’s stuff like knitting a sweater to wear
If music’s a passion, maybe try drumming
If not there’s reupholstering chairs
Then I’ll ponder if you can be the ones who will change it?
Cuz you don’t need a family the size of Ukraine
Where all names start with “J”

We don't need another Duggar
Michelle’s already got 18 at home
And we sure as hell don’t need another reality show

Please, Joshua and your wife…
Listen to my remarks
If you need yet another life
Get something that barks
Like a dog or something

Octomom - The TV Show

We all knew it was coming.

Nadya Suleman reportedly has a reality show in the works. The show which is being described as “Jon & Kate Plus 8” meets “The Bachelor”will chronicle her life raising 14 children and looking for love. (I'm guessing the men will consist of aspiring cult leaders.) Further details, including the network which will carry the show, have not yet been disclosed.
SOURCE

There's only one way this could possibly work:

Here's the story of a crazy lady
who already had too many freaking kids
all of them hoped to be sold, to Angelina
the youngest prayed for sids

The lady's story, it got more shady
When she wanted eight more kids of her own
Her vagina became a clown car
and America groaned

Then the lady whored herself to tv fellows
And some wackass (probably Fox) producer had a hunch,
That a crew should document this family
And then we'll call this trash tv the Octo bunch

The Octo bunch, the Octo bunch
Tune in, you'll be sure to lose your lunch!

With Gloria Allred!

And Dr. Phil as Sam the Butcher!

Because I Got High: Michael Phelps Edition

(hit play and sing along with the lyrics below)

I was gonna swim the race, until I got high
I was gonna win it and take first place, but then I got high
But I already got eight medals, so why even try? (why man?)
I’ll just get high
I’ll just get high
I’ll just get high

I was gonna do some laps before I got high
I coulda' backstroked and freestyled fast, but I got high
Now my gills will fester and I know why, (why man?)
'cuz I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high

I was gonna make a protein shake, until I got high
I was gonna watch my fat intake, but then I got high
Now I got the munchies and want a pizza pie
Does Dominos
still have
the 5-5-5?

I was gonna sign some autographs, but I was high,
I was gonna pose for photographs, but I was high
Instead I’m on my couch watching Bill Nye, (who man?)
The Science Guy
The Science Guy
The Science Guy

I made a public apology, because I got high
I said I was ashamed and sorry, because I got caught--I mean high
Now I'm losing all my endorsements, and I don’t know why
I just got high
I just got high
I just got high

I really wasn’t planning to smoke that infamous night
I was just hanging out with some folks and I was shy
They passed that bong my way, gave me a high-five
(and yelled!)
“Go dolphin guy!”
“Go dolphin guy!”
“Go dolphin guy!

I'm not putting on my spandex thong, because I'm high
The only water’s in my bong, because I'm high
And I don’t give two shits, wanna know why? (why man)
'cuz I'm a rich guy
I’m a rich guy
So I’m getting high

Goodbye 2008

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season! (Anybody else as glad it's over as me?)

So now all that bullshit's over, it's time to look back at the fucked year that was 2008. And I decided that the best way I could do that was to put all the highlights (?) into a lameass parody.

But what song could I rip off that compiles past events into a catchy sing-a-long? Hmmm.

Oh yeah.

A Wrap-up Is Required

(sung to the tune of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire")

(play the video and sing along with my words)

Marry conman? "no way!" so said Anne Hathaway
Cherry chapstick, kissed a girl; Phelps gets the gold
Paul McCartney divorcin'; Superbowl - the Giants win
Jacko's career to diarrhea, Neverland is sold

Facebook dot com; Rock of Love; Kardashian
A-Rod she first denied, but then Madonna split with Guy
Miley/Hannah’s sixteen; Aiken is an out queen
Sex and the City, Twilight, Iron Man and Dark Knight

CHORUS:

A wrapup is required
Gossip's always churning
Another year is turning
These asshats we admired
No we won't admit it
So we try to spin it

Obama and Biden, McCain and Palin
Who is dumber? Joe the Plumber, what in the fuck?

Giuliani, Romney, John Edwards, and Hilary
Breaking down all the walls, Congrats to Barack

If you like it, put a ring; Heidi Montag tries to sing
Axl’s album, China ban, Dr. Pepper, a free can

The very humble KANYE WEST, with auto-tune he’s obsessed
Britney’s crazy, Britney’s sane, the music still sucks anyway!

CHORUS:

A wrapup is required
Gossip's always churning
Another year is turning
These asshats we admired
No we won't admit it
So we try to spin it

Paul Newman, Isaac Hayes, Tim Russert, and Bettie Page
Heston, Bernie Mac, Carlin, and Pollack

Estelle Getty, Cyd Charrise, Heath Ledger, Rest in Peace
So hard to say goodbye.... wait, Amy Winehouse didn’t die?

Halle had a baby, so did Nic Richie
Jess Alba, J-Lo, Keith Urban and Nicole

Brangie, Christina A, even Matt McConaughey,
Britney’s sister, ut oh, didn’t use birth control!

CHORUS:

A wrapup is required
Gossip's always churning
Another year is turning
These asshats we admired
No we won't admit it
So we try to spin it

"By the way," said Silverman, "I'm fucking Matt Damon"
Jess Simpson - has-been, won't stop blabbin
Winners Philadelphia; Jonas Brothersmania
"Not cool" this again? - Jolie vs. Aniston

Locklear under arrest; Spitzer paid a lot for sex
Prop 8: not fair to gays; OJ's finally put away!!

CHORUS:

A wrapup is required
Gossip's always churning
Another year is turning
These asshats we admired
No we won't admit it
So we try to spin it

Gossip Girl, Mad Men, Brenda Walsh is back again
Guest spots, Cook rocked, Tina Fey’s Palin mock
Reality on the incline with writers on the picket line
The best villain that we had was Archuletta’s stage dad

Mortgage crisis, market dive, financial suicide
Too much debt, layoff threats, CEO’s still on their jets
Auto execs take the floor, government bailouts they score
Slip into recession more, now everybody’s fucking poor!

CHORUS:

A wrapup is required
Gossip's always churning
Another year is turning

A wrapup is required
And now the year gone
But bullshit still goes on, and on, and on, and on...

ENOUGH!

Ok, who else is SOOOO sick and tired of that stupid ode to faux-lesbianism "I Kissed A Girl"?

Seriously, it is scientifically impossible to hit "scan" on your radio and not have that damn song come up on at least three stations at the same time! It is so fucking annoying. Even more annoying? Those drunk ass girls who think they're being all sexy by making out with each other at clubs when it really just reeks of desperation because they are just doing it to get approval from some nasty hootin' and hollerin' frat boys. Thanks for encouraging this behavior even more Katy Perry!

(NOTE: Not that I even need to say it, but I would just like to point out that I have no problem at all with the gay and lesbian community, you all know the shit I'm talking about.)

So now this Katy Perry chick is getting her fifteen minutes for being soooo shocking. Yeah, ok, please. This shit was already done like 10 years ago. Newsflash: Girl on girl kissing isn't so risque anymore. It's 2008, look at all the famous mainstream lesbians: Ellen DeGeneres, Melissa Etheridge, Rosie O'Donnell, Clay Aiken! So sorry Katy Perry, you and the dude who wrote this song for you suck.

Know what's still shocking in 2008? Bestiality, that's what. Fucking animals! So with that in mind, I revised your song for you Katy. You're welcome.

This may be hard to understand
Please, no intervention
I’m not ashamed, I’ll take a stand
Against repression
Try not to misconstrue
I’m gonna drop a bomb
I'm asking you to hold
Your condescension

I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
I know you might think that is sick
I fucked a squirrel, won’t deny it
Hope rabies didn't transmit
It felt so small
It felt so slight
Gonna store some nuts tonight
I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
I liked it

No, I don't think that I’m insane
Your opinion don’t matter
It’s not a detrimental shame
I just love nature
It's not what, humans do
He’s my hot furry game
It’s not rodent abuse
PETA stay the fuck away!

I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
Ain’t that some crazy-ass shit?
I fucked a squirrel, not implying it
Rodents don’t just make Richard Gere tick
Made up this song
Easy to write
I’ll be a success overnight
I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
I liked it

This love is inexplicable
That fur, that tail, screw "permissible"
Prefer Rocky to Bullwinkle
Don't knock it 'til you try it
Roadkill appeal; that acorn scent!

I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
Doesn’t that make me a wild chick?
I fucked a squirrel, won’t deny it
But his teeth did hurt a bit
This could be wrong
Am I alright?
Didn’t take my meds tonight
I fucked a squirrel, and I….
I FUCKED A SQUIRREL???

OH SHIT, CARRRR!!!!!!!

Everybody Sing Along

Recently there have been rumors that the reason we keep seeing all these photos of Britney everywhere, everyday, and every hour is because she is personally tipping off the paps herself when setting up her daily excursions to Taco Bell, Starbucks, and gas station bathrooms, apparently belonging to the belief that there is no such thing as bad publicity, only bad weaves. This inspired me (no, I don't know why) to re-write the lyrics to her very first hit single. Hope you enjoy.

Snap My Picture One More Time

Oh pap-a-razzi
(click-click-click)
Oh pap-a-razzi
(click-click-click)

Oh pap-a-razzi
I’m glad that you got my call
Cause I’ve been waiting right here
Oh pap-a-razzi
Let me grab my cigs and we’ll go
Make sure you adjust my light, dear

Follow me, take my photo while I pee
And just maybe
That’ll be the shot that makes the bloggers buzz

My desperation is driving me
I will undress for TMZ (TMZ)
Look no panties to get in a bind
I’ll make you go blind!
Snap my picture one more time

Oh pap-a-razzi
I really should get a clue
But I’m absentminded
Oh pap-a-razzi
Everybody’s rooting for me to pull through
But I’d rather do this crazy shit

Follow me, I’m going on a shopping spree
Fredrick’s maybe
Cause that’s where I buy my fancy duds

Rock bottom does not exist for me
When called a trainwreck, I do agree (do agree)
No one to help me straighten out my mind
They all resigned
So snap my picture one more time

Oh baby, baby, when did I become a ho?

Speaking of babies, where did my children go?

I must confess that my craziness
Got me kicked out of Mr. Chow’s
But let me show you my new weave
Make sure the pic’s clear
And get my best side (Paparazzi: how?)
Snap my picture one more time

Hello? Bueller?

First off, I'd like to apologize to the five people that read this site. I took some time off to deal with some personal crisises and other assorted bullshit that someone up there (or down there) thinks I can handle (Note to them: I CAN'T MOTHERFUCKER!! GO BOTHER RACHEL RAY OR SOMETHING.)

But looking back on what I missed, I can't feel too bad. There really hasn't been much excitement since the hoopla over over the Paris prison sentence (which while fine for gossip sites, the major news organizations should be royally ashamed of themselves for covering like 911.)

I mean, what the hell is going on with our Hollywood celebutards and sociallice? Paris is locked away, Nicole might be pregnant, the Olsen twins: still creepy, but legal now, and Britney's wearing panties. Yawnie, yawnie, mcyawn.

Yup, my spirit has been broken a little. I actually thought I'd be happy not having to hear about these morons for a while, but it's kind of sad in a way. Like, it kind of forces all of us to deal with our own shit instead of laughing at others' drunken missteps.

Anyway, I found myself thinking and walking alone, ok, I found myself looking for something to do to avoid doing actual work (which is piled to the ceiling) so I decided to put my thoughts into song and composed this little number about the downfall of our favorite girls. I hope you enjoy it. Ok, I hope you don't think it sucks. Too much. Ahh fuck it, don't read it then. No one's holding an umbrella to your head!

The Party Has Died
(sung to the tune of American Pie)

A short, short time ago...
I can still remember
How those skanks used to run wild
And I knew if I had my chance
Up on a table I’d dance
And, maybe, they’d be coked out for a while.

But then something made me shiver
Fate’s working harder than Lohan’s liver
Bad news on TMZ;
I think you’d probably agree

I can’t remember exactly what was said
When I read about how Britney shaved her head
But something told me deep inside
The party was gonna die

Why, why, what’s come over these guys?
Drank some chanti and ditched my panties,
But there was no one at Hyde
And Britney and Lindsay promisin’ to stay dry?
Singin’, "please don’t say the party has died.
"Please don’t say the party has died

Where’s the Paris we know and love?
She now has faith in God above
Does the Bible tell her so
Do you believe in reforming hoes
Will prison save her spoiled soul
And can she still teach me how to dance on a pole?

Well, I know that you’re in love with Linds
And all the trouble she be gettin’ in
But her crotch burned out at the fuse.
Now she’s 12-steppin’ to get off the booze (or so she says)

Nicole was a loudmouth anorexic fuck
With her invitations instructing us to upchuck
But now she just may be knocked up
It really seems... the party’s died.

I started singin’,
Why, why, what’s come over these guys?
Drank some chanti and ditched my panties,
But there was no one at Hyde
And Britney and Lindsay promisin’ to stay dry?
Singin’, "Please don’t say the party has died."
"Please don’t say the party has died"

[This is the last verse (if Madonna can do it, so can I) ] :

And in the streets: the paparazzi weeps
Mary Hart cries, and the publicists sleep
Not a dirty word is printed
Not a scandal is hinted

The blogs have nothing to post
Where are these girls when we need them most?
It’s time for the new generation to step up,
Come on Dakota, grab a cup!
And get this party revived

All together now:
Why, Why, what’s come over these guys?
Drank some chanti and ditched my panties,
But there was no one at Hyde
And Britney and Lindsay promisin’ to stay dry?
Singin’,
Please don’t say the party has died."