Guy ain't getting a penny!

Madonna has signed on for $10 million to become the "new" face of Louis Vuitton. Madge was recently spotted out with Vuitton designer Marc Jacobs and is a longtime fan of the expensive clothing and accessories.


Another fan of pretentious bags that are worth a lot of money?

Alexander Rodriguez.

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"Just go wait on the bench Cynthia"

A "baseball insider" revealed to the NY Post that A-Rod is still in love with ex-wife Cynthia and asked her to "wait for him" to him to get tired of screwing around with Madonna. Seriously.

The source said, "He has always wanted to be a superstar and he is in awe of Madonna, but Cynthia is his true love and best friend. He has been asking her to just let him get through this obsession.''

Aww, what girl wouldn't be swept off her feet after hearing a confession of love like that?

The source also claims that "Madonna is completely insensitive to [Cynthia] and possessive of him.''

That was it?

Last night, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake make special appearances at Madonna's concert at Dodger Stadium. But the three never appeared together as rumored.

Britney, looking...demure... dueted with Madonna on "Human Nature." Justin and Madonna performed "4 Minutes" together. Yawn! What a waste! Those three could have killed on "Deeper and Deeper", "Causing a Commotion" or ohh, wait, "Sidewalk Talk!" (for all the hard-core oldschoolers!) together. Seriously!

Madonna paid tribute to the upcoming release of Chinese Democracy (yes, everything around here is about Axl lately in case you haven't noticed. Deal with it!) by delaying the start of the show by three hours. She claims it was due to lighting and technical difficulties though.

Madonna apologized when the show finally started, "Half my stage is missing, which is why we're in the dark. The absence of light makes it very hard to look into the audience eyes and that's what makes performing such a joy. So come close. And thank you for your understanding."

Here's a clip of Madge and Brit from someone who paid more for their seats than I did for my car:



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What's the deal with Madonna and A-Rod?

So Madonna and Alex Rodriguez took separate helicopters to the Hamptons and went to Jerry Seinfeld's place and yada yada yada.

According to a source in the Hamptons: “A-Rod arrived at the airport by helicopter and was whisked away in one of Seinfeld’s Porsches. Madonna arrived less than an hour later by helicopter and left with Seinfeld in another car."

The source added: “It is believed they all went to Seinfeld’s mansion for a discreet party for a few hours, before they all left separately.”

Not that there's anything wrong with that. Well, anymore.

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Guy got off easy!

A Kabbalah insider told TMZ today that the religion teaches,"If a couple has done the spiritual work to earn their soul mate and their current partner is not their soul mate, then universal law says they must split and only two choices remain: divorce or die."

That's some serious shit right there! The source also added that Kabbalah doesn't look down on divorce "because it creates an opening for the other to be with the one they are supposed to be with."

You know, this sounds a lot like that episode of 90210 where that dumbass Kelly got sucked into that cult and Professor Finley told her that Dylan, not Brandon, was her soulmate to try to get her to break up with Brandon because he was a "negator". But it turned out Professor Finley only said that because Dylan had more money.

In other news, A-Rod's contract is 275 million dollars.

Madonna: 1, Guy: 0

(This is a photo of Madonna and Guy's son Rocco)

It's already gettin' messy!

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This proves the rumors are false!!!

"Would you please stop hi-fiving people in Yankees caps?"

Madonna and Guy Ritchie had a nice normal dinner together in New York's Cesca restaurant last night and even held hands! Wow!! Way to prove everybody wrong!! See people, they are FINE!

A diner at the restaurant said they looked "like a normal couple that just wanted to have a nice dinner out. They looked very unassuming. Not like they were looking for attention. Everyone was whispering and saying, 'Wow, that was Madonna. She is supposed to be separating from her husband. I can't believe she is here.'"

Ok, this source is obviously a tourist because no way in hell would a real New Yorker be that naive.

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I'm sure those fuckers in Boston are loving this one!

Watch them start playing "Material Girl" when A-Rod comes up to bat.

Us Weekly reported today that Alex Rodriguez has been making late-night booty calls to Madonna's Central Park West apartment. Apparently, "all the doormen are talking."

The two have the same manager, Guy Oseary, who hung up the phone on the magazine when they called for a comment.

Madonna is still not commenting on the rumors that she and Guy Ritchie are divorcing. Alex was caught cheating last year when he was photographed with a stripper.

Neither of these two should be married in the first place. They need to take a lesson from Derek Jeter.

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UPDATE- Madonna's spokesman, Liz Rosenberg attempted some damage control by releasing the following statement to PEOPLE:

"Madonna's husband Guy arrived in New York last night to be with his wife and family (not in a last ditch attempt to save his marriage which does not need saving). There are no plans for Madonna and Guy to divorce.

Madonna and Alex have the same manager, Guy Oseary. They have met. They know each other and Madonna took her kids to a Yankees game last week. There's really not anything to comment on beyond that.

It's nothing new that people are airing tons of dirty laundry Madonna's way lately – much of it untrue. By the way, rumors of Madonna and Lil Wayne are quite exaggerated as well."

Denial ain't just a river in Malawi

There have recently been rumors that Madonna and Guy Ritchie are headed for divorce and that Madonna has hired Heather Mills' attorney.

Now Madonna's PR rep has said that the reports are “completely untrue” and the couple are still together.

Yeah, and the couple is also working on Swept Away 2.

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Geez, Madonna picked the wrong kid.

Madonna's adoption of David Banda was finally finalized last week so you would think that would be the end of the nearly two-year drama.

Nope. Little David's biological father, Yohane Banda has now decided that he wants to fight for visitation rights to the child. A little late, no?

Yohane claims government officials promised him access his son every three to four years as part of the adoption arrangement and he is now looking into his legal rights to see the child.

He said, "I love the boy and it was in his best interests to put him in the orphanage. Because I support the adoption I would not want to put up a challenge that would reverse it, but I might challenge some aspects of the order. I am discussing with my family about following up on having access to the child. We will not leave things the way they are - we will do something about it."

What is with this guy? He's the most wishy-washy deadbeat dad ever! I think he's starting to realize that Madonna is rich and he missed out on getting something out of the deal. Madonna should just let him live in the mansion. I'm sure she can find a job for him. Maybe he can be a backup dancer or something. And they can make a reality show out of their life together and call it "All in the Malawian Family." And who knows? There's all those rumors about things with Guy seeming to be strained, so maybe the two of them can hook up.

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She only had 30 minutes to save the world--but it was free

Madonna performed a special concert Wednesday night at New York City's Roseland Ballroom to promote her new album, "Hard Candy". 1000 contest winners were given tickets by local radio stations and another 200 tickets were given to some of her fan club members. For the rest of the tickets, they were on a first come, first serve basis on the day of the show with thousands of fans lining up and camping out 60 hours before the show. The first 750 people were given wristbands and admitted into the show for free.

The show was streamed on MSN.com and on Verizon and Vodafone. When all was said and done, Madonna performed for 32 minutes.

Here's Madonna, with special guest Timberfuck (those two have totally hooked up at least once) performing "4 Minutes."

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Hey Madge, you missed a spot!

First Miley and Mandy remade (with choreography and a crew and everything)Madonna and Timberfuck's 4 Minutes video.

Now Madonna, who's apparently really bored, has posted a response telling everyone who is making YouTubes to her song, to "FUCK OFF!" Ok, she actually says "keep up the good work, but clean up afterwards", but Fuck Off would have been so much better. It's actually pretty funny to see her vacuuming in a designer gown and bling:



Yay, she's half-British again!!!


Madonna also has a message for Perez Hilton where she asks him to make a decision between her and "Teddy" who is either a dog or some gay guy with a back problem. Either way, I'd probably chose Teddy.:

Congrats Madge!

Madonna was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last night in New York City along with John Mellencamp, Canadian songwriter Leonard Cohen, the instrumental band the Ventures, and The Dave Clark Five.

(YouTube links won't work for some reason, so click on the text to view clips)

She was inducted by Timberfuck, who I begrudgingly have to give credit to, because he did a decent job (did we really need two Britney jokes though?).

Madonna decided to be from Michigan last night during her speech, though Madge creeps in every now and then.

Then Iggy Pop (who was snubbed by the Hall of Fame) performed. Um . And check out how the staged the backstage exchange between Iggy and Madonna looks!

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They are so cultured!

Life is just so hard for Madonna and family!! Their dilemma? The entire family are now speaking in different languages!! And I'm talking in addition to Madonna's Detroit and faux-British accents! (Though my personal favorite was Nicki Finn from Who's That Girl--reprised later by Shannon Doherty on the Lavi-erne episode of 90210)

Madge and Guy have been taking lessons in Chichewa, the native tongue of their adopted Malawian son David. Not to be outdone, little Lourdes is learning French at the Lycee Francais school that she attends in London. So their daily life at home contains a mixture of French, English and Chichewa words! What a melting pot!!

I miss the old Madonna that spoke this language.

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Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Nominees

Remember when...

The nominees for the latest class of inductees into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame were announced today. The nominees are Madonna, The Beastie Boys, John Mellencamp, Donna Summer, Afrika Bambaataa, Chic, singer-songwriter Leonard Cohen, the The Dave Clark Five and the The Ventures. Only five of these nine nominees will be inducted though and will be announced in January. So that means Madonna, Beastie Boys, John Mellencamp, Donna Summer, and one of the other ones will be honored at the induction ceremony in New York on New York on March 12, 2008.

To be eligible, a performer or group must have released a first single or album at least 25 years ago. Yup, we all feel pretty damn old right now, don't we?

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Hey Sandra, can you take back all the mental images too?

In Do-We-Even-Still-Care? news, comedienne Sandra Bernhard is pulling a Marcia Brady regarding her relationship with Madonna in the late 80's. She is now saying that while they were very close friends, they were never lovers, even though they implied they were at the time.

Sandra said, "I don't mind being asked about Madonna. It was awesome at the time. We had a really funny friendship and kind of played with the press and the media. It was before the internet and there was still a little bit of allure and excitement and fun to it."

I don't know why, but this pisses me off a little. I kinda feel used. That was the first time as a child I can remember learning what a lesbian was.


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Wanna feel old?

Madonna is currently working on lining up concert dates for a world tour next year to celebrate her 50th birthday. It will be called "MADONNA AT 50." She turns the big 5-0 in August 2008.

Rumor is that Madonna will be re-working many of her classics in honor of her milestone birthday.

Here are some of the titles in progress:

"Burning Up (Menopause Remix)"

"Get Into Those Prunes"

"Bran Cereal Girl"

"Papa Don't Die"

"Frozen (Extended Botox mix)"

"Nothing Like a Virgin"

"Don't Tell Me...it's on the tip of my mind.."

"Keep It Together (Metamucil forever and ever)"

"True Blue (Viagra edition)"


(Ok, I'm spent. Add some more guys!)

In all seriousness though, Madge looks better than a lot of women half her age. Case in point:


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Ummmmmmm

Madonna's lawyers are working hard to stop the sale of intimate photographs she had taken with her ex-boyfriend James Allbright in the early 90's. Madonna is said to be "devastated" and is concerned the photos will jeopardize her permanent adoption of David Banda from Malawia (that's still going on?)

Wow, I sure hope the lawyers can stop those photos from being sold and save Madonna's wholesome, children's book-writing image!




Want more? Check it out, I found the whole SEX book online.

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Trannies revolt! Britney is no Madge!

FROM PAGE SIX:
' May 23, 2007 -- WHO knew Miami was such a tough crowd? When Britney Spears did an impromptu lip-sync/dance performance at Mansion on Saturday night, the reception was less than enthusiastic. The crowd, full of "trannies and gay guys," according to our spy, sneered at "those hideous white go-go boots and ratty extensions." One particularly unimpressed audience member: Madonna's brother Christopher Ciccone, who told our source, "My sister would never go onstage looking like that." '



Ummmmm...

Madonna - 1, Nanny - 0

From NY DAILY NEWS:
' LOS ANGELES - Tales of "Madonna Dearest" will remain under wraps - at least for now.

Crown Publishing pulled the plug on a reportedly "explosive" tell-all being penned by the pop superstar's former nanny, Melissa Dumas, the author's agent revealed yesterday.

Madonna's lawyers had reportedly pressured the publisher to drop "Live to Tell: My Life as Madonna's Nanny." The book was expected to dish on the singer's marriage to film director Guy Ritchie, her alleged ironfisted household rules and the controversial adoption of Malawian son David Banda, according to reports.

"I deeply regret that Crown decided not to move forward in publishing [the nanny's] book," agent Sharlene Martin of Encino, Calif., said in a statement. '

You go Madge! Cruise that bitch!

Expect to see Melissa Dumas popping up on every entertainment show with "exclusive tell-all" interviews.