BREAKING NEWS - Source of Swine Flu Detected and Sent Back to Mexico

Newlyweds Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are headed to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico on their honeymoon.

Have a great time you lovebirds!!!

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Speidi to make it official on Saturday

Speaking of douchebags, the two talentless attention-whoring ones known as Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt will reportedly marry for real this time this Saturday. No word on whether Spencer's creepy-flesh-colored beard will be the best man.

According to UsMagazine.com, it will be a sunset ceremony taking place at the Westminster Presbyterian Church in Pasadena.

So anyone in Pasadena, please feel free to show up to congratulate the happy couple by throwing rice at them.

Bags of rice.

The big ones.



You could get them at Costco.

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The Latest Member of the "I'm a size 2" Club is..........

Kim Kardashian posted a message on her blog taking offense to the store Forever 21 referring to her as a "fuller-sized woman" while introducing their new line of plus-size clothing. Only, they never actually called her anything other than a "fan" of the store.



Kim wrote:

I am a huge fan of Forever 21 and I'm very happy they have expanded their line to include a plus-size range, but I am not in that size category and this article makes it sound like I am! I am a curvy girl and I love my curves, but curvy and plus-sized are two very different things. I work really hard to maintain my curves while staying slim and healthy, so to be classed as a "fuller-figured woman" of extra large proportions is a little offensive.

For the record, I am a size 2, not 2XL.

HAAAAAAAAA!! Can't. Stop. Laughing! Size 2! I love it! Even Kim's "fans" aren't buying that shit:

April 21, 2009 7:19 AM
blondedmbfan15 says: | Reply

I’m Sorry Kim but maybe you wore a size 2 when you were ten but any women knows that with an ass and thighs like yours you wear a much bigger size. Also maybe you need to take some college courses or high school for that matter; all the article said was that you were a fan of the store not the damn plus size line.


April 21, 2009 5:51 AM
tqgucci says: | Reply

I think you need to go to try on a size 2 in case you forgot what a size 2 is, you are NOT a size 2. Sorry but that's the truth.



April 21, 2009 5:02 AM
badeiah11 says: | Reply

YOU ARE A SHALLOW BITCH*ONCE AGAIN YOU OFFEND YOUR FANS!!! BUT THIS TOPPED IT! ALL US CURVY WOMAN LOOKED UP TO YOU!!! AND NOW WE SEE YOUR TRUE COLORS!!**ITS REAL MESSED UP THAT YOU WON'T TAKE TIME OUT OF YOUR DAY TO ADDRESS THIS! We FANS DESERVE AN APOLOGY

kareno8 says: | Reply

My sister and I used to be fans, but no longer.
You are NOT a size 2. I am 105 pounds and 5 feet and I AM A SIZE 2.
You're not even a size 4 or a size 6. We saw your cellulite get blasted off on TV!


April 21, 2009 2:18 AM
kareno8 says: | Reply

we are still laughing at how you say you are a size 2. Also, some plus sized women still work hard to stay slim and healthy. losing weight is a struggle for many because not all have the same metabolism, genes, or cosmetic surgeons (kim).


April 20, 2009 9:03 PM
shaydiva says: | Reply

ONE OF UR THIGHS IS A SIZE 2


April 20, 2009 9:33 PM
bechiiik said to: shaydiva | Reply

No but what you can do is put a rope around your neck, tie the rope to your roof, get on a chair and then let you fall from it :)


April 20, 2009 11:33 PM
shaydiva says: | Reply

I AM A SIZE 2XL AND I DNT HAVE HALF OF THE CELLULITE AND STRECH MARKS THAT U AT A SIZE 2 HAVE! LMAO!


April 21, 2009 3:28 AM
M. says: | Reply

Kim, I know you're not 2 smart, but now I see that you just might be "Dumb and Dumber" built into 1! The US article states that you are a fan of Forever 21, not the plus size Faith line. You clearly lack reading comprehension skills!!!

(The last 1 is my favorite.)

I have the best idea for a game show. It can be called "So You Think You're a Size Two" where contestants like Kim, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, and any other delusional moron who has ever referred to themselves as a size two have to attempt to put on actual size two clothing in front of a studio audience (and America). Tyra Banks would host of course and any(every)one who didn't fit in the clothes would have to yell "KISS MY FAT ASS!"

In other useless bitches with the last name Kardashian news, Kim's two sisters just got their own reality show for some unknown reason.

Not buying it

Useless slut, Tila Tequila, claims a crazed stalker broke into her house yesterday while she was out at a friend's Easter barbeque, smashed her living room and locked her dog in the trunk of her car.

Tila Twittered (yes, she Twittered!):

"Someone did indeed break into my house. It's been a very scary night for me... Too much has happened. I am scared, exhausted and drained but I am ok! Want to apologize to my fans who were worried about me.
I'm moving into a different house very soon because I have a stalker who is very much so endangering my life at the moment... They broke everything in my living room....EVERYTHING IS SHATTERED! I'm so sad right now....this sucks. Then I found my dog locked in the trunk of my car!!!!!!!!!! I've been crying all night. This is fucked up. I'm sad and shocked... I'm still shaking and crying! My dog in the trunk of the car, house is shattered, everything is smashed! I'm staying at a friends house 2nite. Please pay attention to me!! Remember me? I'm a reality star! If I have a stalker, that means I am still relevant dammit. Like that girl on Dancing With the Stars, hey I could be on that show... ARE YOU LISTENING PRODUCERS? Hopefully this will make E! News. Oh shit, I just realized that I broke the glass from the inside."

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The Duggars are planning to take over the world

Seriously, think about it: If each of their eighteen kids have eighteen kids of their own, that's 324 Duggars. Then their eighteen kids will have eighteen kids and so on and so on and before you know it, the Duggars will control Earth and we'll all be forced to join that crazy ass cult where everybody has really ugly clothes and bad hair and gets molested by Daddy Jim Bob!! I seem to remember Nostradamus mentioning this once.

And it's starting with their oldest son, Joshua, 21. Joshua's new wife Anna is pregnant with the couple's first child. The couple told PEOPLE they are planning a "name theme" like Joshua's parents (all eighteen kids' names start with "J") which means, they are planning to have many, many more.

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All I can say is:

Another womb
Preparing for wreckage
Now that Michelle’s out of her prime
More Duggar children
A new generation
They’ll have two hundred kids combined
And I wonder are they all fucking deranged?
And if under the bad hair, if they have any brains

We don't need another Duggar
We don't need no more sperm to roam
Why couldn’t his wife use some contraceptive foam?

Try looking for something….to do besides spawn
There’s stuff like knitting a sweater to wear
If music’s a passion, maybe try drumming
If not there’s reupholstering chairs
Then I’ll ponder if you can be the ones who will change it?
Cuz you don’t need a family the size of Ukraine
Where all names start with “J”

We don't need another Duggar
Michelle’s already got 18 at home
And we sure as hell don’t need another reality show

Please, Joshua and your wife…
Listen to my remarks
If you need yet another life
Get something that barks
Like a dog or something

Octomom - The TV Show

We all knew it was coming.

Nadya Suleman reportedly has a reality show in the works. The show which is being described as “Jon & Kate Plus 8” meets “The Bachelor”will chronicle her life raising 14 children and looking for love. (I'm guessing the men will consist of aspiring cult leaders.) Further details, including the network which will carry the show, have not yet been disclosed.
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There's only one way this could possibly work:

Here's the story of a crazy lady
who already had too many freaking kids
all of them hoped to be sold, to Angelina
the youngest prayed for sids

The lady's story, it got more shady
When she wanted eight more kids of her own
Her vagina became a clown car
and America groaned

Then the lady whored herself to tv fellows
And some wackass (probably Fox) producer had a hunch,
That a crew should document this family
And then we'll call this trash tv the Octo bunch

The Octo bunch, the Octo bunch
Tune in, you'll be sure to lose your lunch!

With Gloria Allred!

And Dr. Phil as Sam the Butcher!

John Mayer is a TwitterTwat

So Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer broke up. Again.

The latest rumor is that Jenn dumped John because he was too obsessed with Twitter (STILL DON'T GET THAT SHIT!)

A source told U.K. magazine Star, "Jen was fuming. There he was, telling her he didn’t have time for her and yet his page was filled with updates! Every few hours, sometimes minutes, he’d update with some stupid line. She was like, ‘He has time for all this Twittering, but he can’t send me a text, an email, make a call?’ He didn’t deny it. He knew he was avoiding her. So when she ended things, he just said OK, and he was sorry it didn’t work out.”

You can read John Mayer's Twitter here. Here are a few examples of John's twats:

the man is dressed in a teal polo shirt and is eating an ice cream cone by way of cocking his head to one side and spinning across tongue.

We know 'fight or flight' but in a civilized society we rely more on "posture" and "submit." It's a psychic war. When 2 rise, when 2 give in

Seriously, let me get the spread gun. You're better than me and I need it. There it is... hold on, let me... DICK!!

Today, let's get out there with 30 lives!! UP UP DOWN DOWN B A B A SELECT START!!!! Let's go people!! Let me get the spread gun, please.

This crap reminds of that kid in high school (everybody had one) that always made such an effort to so bizarre and eclectic by writing random shit like Sonic Youth lyrics on their book covers or the chalkboard but you could tell they were trying way too hard and were actually just a total attention whore.

By the way John, it's UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A SELECT START dumbass!

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John Mayer is no Stuart Smalley

.. or as funny as he thinks he is. He is an attention whore though.

In a homemade video he posted on YouTube yesterday, John plays some kind of motivational speaker. It's a like a bad SNL skit, but maybe a tiny bit funnier (which really isn't saying much). So people are making a big deal about it because he mentions "The Curious Case of Benjamin Bratt" starring you know whose ex. Could be, but seems like more of a dig at Benjamin Bratt because everyone assumes he's calling Brad a brat, and forgetting that there's actually a guy named Benjamin Bratt.

I did like when he quoted that song from The Karate Kid though.

BREAKING NEWS!!!

People take John Mayer's picture again!!!

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BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!

Angelina Jolie is in a hospital in Nice RIGHT NOW!!!

Her doctor is going to address the media at 11:30 E.T.

The hospital's spokeswoman issued the following statement: "Madame Jolie's doctor will be updating her condition at the hospital and giving medical details. Madame Jolie is doing very well."

Wait a minute, it's after 11:30 and I can't find the doctor's report. I NEED TO KNOW MADAME JOLIE'S MEDICAL STATUS!!!! I CANNOT WAIT!!! MY MERE MORTAL LIFE IS MEANINGLESS!!!

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Danny Noriega has big non-purple problems.

Poor Danny Noriega, he's had a hell of a week.

First he didn't get invited to Wednesday's American Idol finale.

Now, his bitch mother got him beige paint instead of purple. I mean BEIGE, PUR-PLE, BEIGE, PUR-PLE:



It's ok, though. As he said, he's moving in with Ramiele soon anyway, right?

WRONG.

Ramiele recently gave an interview to the Philippine Post newspaper and when they asked her if she still plans to move in with (former?) BFF Danny, she said, "Not gonna happen." BURN!!!

Why'd she have to go and make things so complicated?

Gee, I wonder if he's gonna make a YouTube about it!


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Isn't this kind of redundant?

Danny Noriega is punk rock!!!

This video of American Idol contestant Danny Noriega spreading some Christmas cheer surfaced today.

How did he know what I wanted for Christmas?!

This is a photo of:

A) TYRA!!! Banks and Janet Jackson on Tyra's talk show?

B) TYRA!!! Banks taking down Janet Jackson in a figure four leglock?

C) TYRA!!! Banks attempting to rape Janet Jackson?

D) TYRA!!! Banks feeling threatened by someone more fierce than she is and preparing to strangle Janet with her own weave.

And it's not David Lee Roth's fault!

Is theVan Halen tour over?

TMZ reports that hotel arrangements for the band for the remaining dates of their tour are being canceled right this minute after the tour, which was scheduled to end April 19th, has been canceled.

Sources say that the reason is Eddie Van Halen and that he is having "issues" and has been performing "atrociously" in recent concerts.

Obligatory photo:

He's probably started drinking again after Valerie started airing all their dirty laundry in a lame attempt to get people interested in her stupid book instead of just eating her Jenny Craig dinners and making Lifetime movies. Damn you Valerie!

Ashlee and Pete are not downloading a baby

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz have denied that Ashlee is pregnant following a parody video the couple made on the website friendsorenemies.com .

In the video, titled "World's Greatest Assholes" (my my, aren't we full of ourselves?) Pete talks about the illegal downloading of music problem and how he wants to make something that can't be illegally downloaded- A baby! Then the camera cuts to Ashlee lying on the bed eating Cheetos. ( I think they're reenacting the conception of Sean Preston Federline. ) Thankfully, the video ends there. Then they say the the release date is July 08. Get it? Those pranksters!

It was obviously a joke, but the couple want to make sure everyone knows that. Or they want to make sure everyone sees the video because they are really proud of the comic geniuses they are. Hey guys, next time: YouTube!

What is with all these celebrities making viral videos lately? Has anyone seen the Miley and Mandy show? (Disclaimer: Clicking on the Miley and Mandy link may cause maniacal rage and Asshat Hollywood is not responsible for any injuries or deaths that may result.) It used to be an outlet for nobodies like this guy to get their 15 minutes of fame. But the celebrities just won't let that be without getting in on it too.

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Oh for the love of Margot Kidder!

The Psych Ward truly is the new rehab. First Brit, then Eva Mendes, then that guy from Grey's Anatomy, now fucking Suzanne Sugarbaker!

Delta Burke has checked herself into a psychiatric hospital for depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder and "hoarding." Not to be confused with "whoring," hoarding is when people accumulate massive quantities of stuff and never throw anything away. Then they go out and keep buying more stuff even though they don't have anywhere to put it until their homes look like this:


Get it? If not, George Carlin explains it much better.

So anyway, Delta says she's been suffering from hoarding syndrome and now she's in the psych ward too.

Puh-lease.
Delta's suffering from wanting-to-get-her-name-in-the-headlines-itis. She doesn't need a stay in the looney-bin to cure that, all she needs is a good, stern, lengthy, no-nonsense speech from Dixie Carter followed by applause. That'll fix her in 23 minutes flat.

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