Beyonce joins the batshit club!

Beyonce has decided she would now like to be known as Sasha Fierce. (Her first pick for a name, Ferosha Coutura, was already taken.)

Sasha is an alter ego that Beyonce created for her stage persona. She explains: "Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken side and more glamorous side that comes out when I'm working and when I'm on the stage. I have someone else that takes over when it's time for me to work and when I'm on stage, this alter ego that I've created that kind of protects me and who I really am.""

She has even created a MySpace page for Sasha.

Ironically, an anagram for Sasha Fierce is "SHE IS A FARCE".

Hey Mariah, you're finally off the hook, there's a new crazy bitch in town!


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But is the star fake?

The man that brought us hand births, fun with the mentally handicapped, stereotype bashing, live sex celebrations, terrorist humor, making it ok to laugh at midgets, and of course, the Creme de la Creme (Don't. Trust me, you really don't wanna do that.) was finally honored with his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame last Friday. Congrats Vince!

Vince accepted the honor in his "Mr. McMahon" character saying, “I already know I’m a star. I’m the biggest star of all time.”

Sadly there was no one with signs (not even that guy), no wrestlers interrupted his speech and beat him up after a handshake fake-out, there weren't any painfully obvious chicken/"cock" jokes, and no chants from the crowd(not even a "Cena Sucks!").

The WWE's all-time biggest star, Hulk Hogan, did not attend the ceremony. His daughter Brooke, however, was later seen strolling down Hollywood Boulevard.

Scratch that, it wasn't Brooke, it was a tranny hooker...My bad.

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She's so hot!

So here's another photo of Paris wearing a shitty t-shirt of her shitty self. Ugh, how many shirts paying tribute to yourself does one need? Recently she was seen wearing an "I LOVE PARIS" tee. And who could forget the classic one that read "I'm Hot!" on the front and "Your [sic] Not!" on the back. That was my personal favorite.

If Paris really wants cool t-shirts of herself, she should have some made up from the awesome caricatures on Gallery of the Absurd. That would be cool:







(Sorry about the shitty photoshop work. I'm waiting for a recommendation on someone more skilled from Mariah Carey.)

Here's a name for you: DOUCHE

Guess what kids? SeanPuffDaddyDiddyJustDiddyCombs is changing his name again.

Whoeverthefuck heis says, "I have always evolved and taken a different name each time. It's nothing unusual where I come from. Right now I want to be Sean John because that's where I am."

Where exactly does he come from where people change their names all the time? The Social Security office?

Prince wasn't this annoying when he changed his name to a symbol!

I swear, I'm just going to call him Douche from now on.

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New Celebrity Catfight!!!

Male model, oh sorry, I mean Male Supermodel Tyson Beckford has some fightin' words for Tyra "ME!" Banks.

When asked by Page Six how Tyson's copycat new show "Make Me a Supermodel" compares to (original) "America's Next Top Model," he went off on this strange tirade that has way too much to do with Naomi Campbell:

"Tyra? Are you joking? I’m the only male supermodel there is, the only one who can make a supermodel. Do you think Tyra can just call up Naomi Campbell and ask her to teach these kids how to walk the runway? Please! You know Tyra and Naomi aren’t cool like that right? And we’re in New York, Tyra's in L.A. Nothing’s going on in L.A. [My models] will go on go-sees, be doing what it takes where the action is, in New York. Please!"

Umm, ok.

Tyra, would you like to respond?

"KISS MY FAT ASS!!!!"

The awesome part is: She actually believes it

"I've never done a diva-ish thing in my life. The definition of a diva is a woman who sings well, the second definition is a woman who's difficult to deal with. I hope I'm the first, but I don't think I'm the second." -Mariah Carey


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BREAKING NEWS!!

KANYE WEST BEATS BEYONCE AT CANDYLAND!!!!

BREAKING NEWS!!!

KANYE WEST BEATS BEYONCE AT CONNECT FOUR!!

"Pay attention Grammys!"

I'm serious. Kanye West wrote on his blog that he's been playing the game to help him cope with the shocking death of his mother last November. I hate giving this guy credit for anything, but that's pretty cool considering those other easier yet self-destructive ways of coping that are out there.

So he said, "I would play this game for hours and hours ... It helped me zone out. But every now and then people would speak of this legendary Connect 4 champion ... BEYONCE!!! I had 2 play her." (Dude, two letters: T-O. It shouldn't be so hard for someone who's always referring to himself as a genius.)

So the two played on New Year's Eve at Jay-Z's club 40/40 in Las Vegas. Beyonce beat Kanye nine times. Kanye bitched and moaned over never winning anything. Then he knocked the game over and left the room vowing never to have anything to do with Milton Bradley ever again for the rest of his life.

Then he finally calmed down, came back, and managed to beat Beyonce (at the game!). He was so proud, he posted the above picture on his blog.

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Asshat of the Week!!

Yeah, it's only Monday so I know I'm already counting my asshats before they hatch, but anytime anyone uses the "Do you know who I am?" line, they get an automatic pass without passing Go and collecting $200.

Montel Williams didn't just say this, but also added on a personal threat last Friday to a HIGH SCHOOL student in Savannah, GA. He was there to promote a program giving free prescriptions to low-income people. A local high-school student named Courtney Scott was an intern at the Savannah Morning-News and asked Montel, "Do you think pharmaceutical companies would be discouraged from research and development if their profits were restricted?"

Montel angrily responded with "I'm trying to figure out exactly why you are here and what the interview is about. I'm here as a patient advocate talking about the fact that medications available today are saving people's lives, that's what's saving mine and after that, this interview is done."

Later that day, the reporters returned to the hotel for an unrelated story and Montel got in Courtney's face, pointed his finger at her and yelled: "Don't look at me like that. Do you know who I am? I'm a big star, and I can look you up, find where you live and blow you up."

Montel later tried to save face by apologizing and claiming it was a misunderstanding on his part because he thought they were at the hotel to confront him about his earlier dumbass comments.

Nice try Montel, but it's too late. We have taken a sample of your DNA and the test results confirm that you...

are....



Indeed an asshat!

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Asshat of the Week!

In this time of Thanksgiving and family, the douchiness of deadbeat dads seems to stand out even more. Eddie Murphy has reportedly flat-out REFUSED to meet his daughter with Melanie (Scary Spice) Brown, Angel Iris.

This is the daughter he denied was his child until Mel took him to court and his DNA results proved he was.

Mel and her lawyers have been attempting to work our visitation rights for Eddie in court but the case has been postponed for over three months because Eddie hasn't submitted an offer.

What a turd! First the whole "Booohoo, I didn't win an Oscar, I'm leaving!" spoiled brat drama, then the denial about the baby. He's on the Tom Cruise path to career suicide (without aliens). You suck Eddie!

And meanwhile Mel B.'s stock is soaring thanks to Dancing With the Stars. I love her so much, it almost makes up for being pounded through the skull with "Wannabe" ten years ago. Almost. Check out the awesome dance from last night's episode (yeah, I know. There is a clip of the Spice Girls, but the dance is worth it. And Maksim.) Speaking of, if Marie Osmond doesn't go home tonight I am going to personally blow up the Church of Latter Day Saints! Who said that?



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More Crazy Celebrity Divorce Hijincks

Former Baywatch babe Donna D'Errico collapsed in the restroom of a Los Angeles courtroom on Friday after complaining of breathing problems. This happened in the middle of court proceedings to determine how assets should be divided in her divorce from Nikki "I died" Sixx of Motley Crue.

Donna requested the hearing be delayed Thursday, the day before she collapsed, citing her health condition and also because she doesn't have a lawyer (HUH?! You crazy?). The judge denied the request and forced Donna to represent herself Thursday and Friday.

Sources say that her voice was so hoarse that she was barely audible in court.

Paramedics were called after Donna's collapse and she was able to walk out unassisted. Donna is going with the Marie Osmond explanation that her breathing issues were related to asthmatic bronchitis aggravated by recent wildfires near her home.

Meanwhile Nikki has had his friends spy on Donna and testify in court that they have seen her out and about at such places as a church, a restaurant, and a sporting goods store. They also spotted her walk up a long stairway at a beach. I guess this is because he thinks she's lying about being sick?? Church? THAT BITCH!

On the fainting incident Nikki said, "She fainted, so what? Did she overdose and die and come back? No? Well I did. So there."

Nikki is also considering writing a book and accompanying soundtrack about the divorce trial titled "The Gold-digging Bitch Diaries."

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Yikes!! Don't Mess With the Thetans!!

Controversial biographer Andrew Morton has been forced into hiding following alleged threats made on his life by the Church of $cientology over a revealing biography he has written about Tom Cruise.

The biography reportedly exposes all kinds of dirt on Tom's sexuality and all the kooky alien stuff. I'm sure the contracts with Nicole and Katie are in there too.

So basically, the biography contains a lot of stuff everybody already knows.

But we all know how Little Tommy gets his panties all bunched up when someone dares bring any of that stuff up. Morton claims he has been forced to "disappear" and sell his London home as a result of the threats made to him while attempting to research Tom's life for the book.

Morton told the British newspaper The Sunday Express, "I have received threats from the Scientologists and things have become pretty heavy - to the extent that it's almost more than my lawyers can handle. I've sold my flat and I'm not telling anyone where I'm moving to. I intend to disappear for a while."

Morton added that researching the Royal Family was "a walk in the park" compared to this latest project.

Sorry but it's over for you Andrew. You can't hide from the $cientologists. They've got laser beams and stuff like that. They're gonna find you and sue you and erase your brain and you'll be writing a romance novel about the great love of Tom and Katie in no time.


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Random Hollywood Bitchfight of the Week

So did you hear the one about the bitchfight between George Clooney and Fabio? No really.

Both were recently dining at the LA restaurant, Madeo, when George flipped off Fabio when he thought a woman in Fabio's party was taking photos of him. Fabio defended the women, saying that she wasn't taking pictures of him, but of her dinner party. Fabio also reportedly instructed George to "stop being a diva." With that, all hell broke loose and it escalated into a shoving match (because pretty boys don't actually hit each other in the faces.)

Let's settle this right here on Asshat Hollywood shall we?

Please welcome our special guests George Clooney and Fabio.


I'll start with you George. Tell me, why did you think that woman was taking pictures of you at the restaurant?

"Are you joking? Look at me! I'm the reigning Sexiest Man Alive for the second time."

"Who cares about the People Magazine, I am Fabio. I make my living being sexy. I don't even have to act or speak. That's how sexy I am. They just take my picture and give me money."

"So you are proud that you have no talent whatsoever?

"I did not say that. I am sexy. You think that is not talent? Look at this!"

"Oh, please, I don't need to wear a loincloth to prove that I'm sexy."

Excuse me, George! Yoo-hoo, um yeah, over here. I think you just may have to. I don't have a loincloth handy though so you'll have to use this Post-It note.

"Can I go now? I have go sign tubs of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter for women that are in love with me but will never have me because I am too sexy for them."

"Christ. Where's a bird and a roller-coaster when you need one?"

"That was a very traumatic experience for me and very low of you to bring up, you diva! You leave me no choice but to match it."

"You wouldn't."

"You take the good, you take the bad..."

"Stop it."

"You take them both and there you have the Facts of Life, the Facts of Life..."

"Oh, it's ON now! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER!!!"

"TOOTIE, TOOTIE, TOOTIE!!"

"You want another shovin', don't ya BUTTERBOY!!!"

George and Fabio had to go. They are currently outside shoving and slapping each other in a mud pit filled with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter if any of you are interested.



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Those Crazy McCartneys!

Paul McCartney has a new woman in his life to comfort him through his awesomely messy divorce battle with Heather Mills. Her name Nancy Shevell and she's got it all: looks, money, two legs, and a HUSBAND!

Nancy, 47, is the wife of Bruce Blakeman, a commissioner of the New York Port Authority and a partner in a top New York law firm. Nancy has her own money though, she is the vice president of her family’s successful transport firm. Nancy and Bruce have been married for 23 years and have a teenage son named Arlen. They are also supporters of George Bush and contributed to his presidential campaign in 2004. Oh Paul!

Nancy has recently dropped her husband's last name, Blakeman, and is now going by Nancy Shevell.

Paul and Nancy were spotted strolling arm-in-arm and kissing in the Hamptons recently. Sources say they were routinely spotted dining at area restaurants and at each other's mansions.



Meanwhile, Heather Mills is still bringing the crazy to anyone that will listen to her.

Accusing Paul of being a tightwad: “This is a man that hangs on to his money. He wouldn’t be as rich if he didn’t. Who needs that kind of money?”

On not wanting any money from Paul: “When I left I said ‘I don’t want a penny, all I want is for you to protect me. I want my reputation, so I can carry on my work with the charity."

On being gagged (not really, but we can dream?):“He wants me to be gagged and they won’t give me a divorce until I’m gagged. So I’m waiting for the two-year separation. If I wanted to speak before this, I would have spoken by now. He forced me into a corner. It’s not about wanting to speak, it’s about having the right to protect myself and my daughter."

On the non-existant prenup: "I offered a prenup. Paul refused, saying it isn’t romantic. I offered to walk away with nothing if he protected me.”

So this is about protection, not money? If she didn't demand any money and just left the relationship, why would she need to worry about her reputation? And what does she mean by protection? Does she want a bodyguard? Does she want condoms? Is protection another word for something in England, you know, like lift? And Paul is cheap. But it's not about money, it's about protection.

My head hurts. She's as batshit as Britney. They should lock them up in a looneybin together and make a reality show out of it called Crazy Bitches. They could even use the Buckcherry song as the theme song.

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But wait, there's more!

Paul's daughter, fashion designer and Heather-hater Stella McCartney is creating a stir after revealing her latest design : a silver leg pendant to honor her soon to be ex-stepmum.

A source told Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper: "She unveiled it to fashion industry insiders in Paris last month. A lot of people thought it was really edgy while others secretly thought it was out of order. It's such an obvious dig at Heather. It will cause a stir when it goes on sale."

Heather has not commented on whether this is the first piece in a jewelery collection featuring celebrity dismembered body parts. I hope it is, I want a Rick Allen arm necklace, a Michael Jackson nose charm bracelet and the Star Jones complete set of silver fat cells!

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Batshit Out Of Hell

Meatloaf is saying "Stop right there!" (get it?) to photographers. He has allegedly banned them from his upcoming U.K. tour because he is self-conscious about his weight, which is reportedly 308 pounds.

His publicist is saying he did it because he doesn't want reviews not because of the weight issue and issued the following statement: "Meat doesn't want reviews so he's not issuing any photo passes."

Meatloaf is a weird one. Remember when he said he blacked out during his duet with Katherine McPhee on last year's American Idol finale? (Not that I blame him, I'd want to forget that nightmare too. And the performance.)

If that is the case, um hello? Mr. Loaf? Mr. MEATLOAF? Isn't the fat thing like the whole point of your name? The fuck? And you know there's these things called cameraphones right?

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PUH- LEASE

Timberfuck totally stuffs. That's like Spinal Tap type shit there.

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Fiddy's a method actor

There was some trouble on the set of the new movie Righteous Kill when Curtis Jackson, a.k.a. 50 Cent, attacked co-star Frank John Hughes (I imdb'd him so you don't have to. He's a bit actor who has been on the Sopranos, Law & Order, etc).

The two allegedly got into a "heated argument" after Hughes after he accused Fiddy of not knowing his lines which escalated into a full on beatdown. The paramedics were even called.

According to an on-set source, "Frank tried to correct (50 Cent) and he got really upset... Before it was all over (50 Cent) had Frank on the ground pummeling him. The paramedics looked at Frank and he's OK. It's everyone else here that's still shaken up... No one is trying to get on (50 Cent's) bad side." Wow good idea there Einstein!

Righteous Kill also stars Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro. Those guys were probably all "Fucking Amateurs" and rolling their eyes (and in Pacino's case, slamming his fist on the table).

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Jon Gives Brits a Bad Name (I know that makes no sense ok?)

Jon Bon Jovi didn't seem to having such a nice day when during a recent interview for Glamour magazine he went off on, well pretty much every English celebrity.

On Robbie Williams: "Robbie Williams? That guy couldn't even fill a bar. He couldn't sell 500 tickets."

On Oasis (are they even still around?): "Oasis couldn't fill a bar either – and they're full of themselves."

On Pete Doherty: "We're not familiar with Pete Doherty in the US other than his antics and the fact that he's always in trouble – I've never heard a single one of his songs."

On David Beckham: [He is]"past his prime".

Although he maybe should have bit his tongue on the "past his prime" comment (glass houses...), I have to admit, he's right about most of them.

I suggest Jon and David settle this with a good old fashioned duel to determine who is more past their prime. In a mud pit. In my backyard.

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Today - LA Children's Hospital Ambassador...Tomorrow: Nobel Peace Prize Winner

Go to church right now because Armageddon has to be near. Paris Hilton is "in talks" to become an ambassador for the Los Angeles Children's Hospital.

Paris said, "I went and visited the little premature babies who were only, like, one pound. And the cancer patients. It's nice when I can go there and visit them and brighten their day and make them smile. It feels good to be able to do that."

I can't tell if she's for real or if this is all PR bullshit. Maybe she made a bet with Larry King. Who knows? I just hope those children are vaccinated, I mean their immune systems must be so low already...

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She didn't really say that, did she?

In an interview in the August 2007 issue of Glamour magazine, Jennifer Lopez says that while she is not pregnant, she's pretty sure everybody wants her to get knocked up because the future of the world depends on her eventual offspring with husband Skeletor, um, I mean Marc Anthony.

When asked about the pregnancy rumors, Jenny replies with this thoughtful piece of verbal diarrhea, "Marc and I just saw Children of Men. The message of the movie was if we don't have children, there's no hope for the future. And without hope, society just goes to pieces. Maybe that's what the pregnancy rumors are about---hope for future."

Methinks she's been hanging out with Tom and Katie a wee bit too much.