Random Shit I Found on YouTube

Hey kids! You don't need to buy expensive trendy designer clothes by Calvin Klein, Gloria Vanderbilt, or Bill Blass to be a real hot dog, just check out Mr. T's tips on how to be stylin in this amazing 80's treasure.

You're pissing me off Kathy!

Kathy Griffin shopping with Paris Hilton? WTF?

"Put it in me Scott!"

You know tv's getting pretty bad when you talk more about the commercials than actual shows.

About a week ago, I mentioned that fucked up cell phone commercial with the pigs eating a pig but Quiznos new commercial for their new foot long torpedo tops that. Let's watch the adventures of curious Scott and the hot slut known as Mr. Toaster.



Damn, anybody got a ciggie? I do feel a little gypped out of money shot though. You know there was a version of that commercial with mayo shooting out of the torpedo.

However, still, not better than this one:



Quiznos is so whacked, I want to get a job in their advertising department.

What. The. Fuck?

Do you ever wonder how the fuck some of the things we see on tv come to be?

Like, really think about it?

Like, somewhere in the not too recent past, a bunch of advertising executives were sitting around a conference room table trying to think up ideas for a cell phone commercial (yes, that's what it was!) and they can't think of anything and finally one guy's like "I GOT IT!! Cannibal pigs!" And the rest of the people are like "THAT'S IT!!!"

So then they bring it to the cell phone company that hired them and they're all "So our idea is these pigs. Sitting in a restaurant. Eating...wait for it....PORK!" And the cell phone company people are all "THAT'S IT!! WE LOVE IT! WE'RE SURE TO SELL LOTS OF CELL PHONES WITH THAT!"

So the cell phone company gives the advertising firm the money and they hire people to build the sets, do the voiceovers, CGI the pigs, get the props, work the cameras, and edit the commercial and while this is all going on, not one of those people is like "Is this for fucking real? Do they really think this crap is going to get people to buy cell phones?"

And then the commercial is complete and the company goes to buy the airtime and shows the commercial to the network and the network is like "That's cool, we'll run it!"

Seriously, think about that shit.

Can you say uncomfortable?

In case you missed it, here's Joaquin Phoenix's "appearance" on Letterman last night:

Um..What is Heidi holding??

If you didn't say "towel", you have a very sick mind!

WTF...

you talkin' bout bitch?

A woman and her son wait for the bus

Someone is darning a hole in a uniform

Someone is trying to make music somewhere with a pair of wooden spoons on an oil drum with cello, boom box, harmonica, voice

This is Yale professor Elizabeth Alexander's inaugural poem for Barack Obama.

My thoughts are pretty much the same as the kid standing next to Michelle. "HUH?"

You know everyone's gonna be all "that was so inspiring and moving" because they want to sound smart, but she could have switched over to "Green Eggs and Ham" and I don't think many people would have have known the difference.

So I had this weird dream the other night about Steve Guttenberg jogging naked....

The Batshit Report

Joaquin Phoenix recently stated that he is ending his acting career.

To let us all know that he wasn't kidding, at the LA premiere of his film Two Lovers, he wrote "Good Bye" across his knuckles.

When asked about his decision, Joaquin said,"I think it's just moving on. It's rediscovering something else. It's like greener pastures, you know what I mean? And so, I'm just going to try and like, I'll just be doing the other thing ... Hopefully, I will emotionally impact you with that, as well."

Ummmm, yeah ok Joaquin. Good luck with all that. Or is it "Luck Good"?

SOURCE

You can do it Spencer!

After you're through with Heidi, just use your toe!



Speaking of Heidi, I am sorry to report that after only one year, her fashion line, “Heidiwood” for Anchor Blue is being discontinued.



This really sucks. I was planning to be an 80's hooker for Halloween this year. Where the hell am I gonna get my costume now?

One freaking dollar??

Damn, Obama's kind of a cheapass!

Barack and his wife gave an interview to PEOPLE where they talk about their family and life at home with their two daughters, 10-year old Malia and Sasha, 7.

In the interview, Barack reveals that Malia's allowance is only $1.00 a week. And he's past due on payments!

Here's the excerpt:

Do you give your girls an allowance?

Michelle: Sorta, kinda. [Laughs]

Barack: I'm out of town all the time, so Malia will say, "Hey, you owe me 10 weeks!" ... Originally, we were giving her a dollar a week as long as she did all her chores. It turns out that she's been doing her chores even without prompting from the allowance, which makes me feel guilty that she's been carrying on her end of the bargain and I haven't been as consistent.

Maybe this is what we need for our suffering economy. At least we know he won't overspend tax dollars. Or does this mean he's in favor of illegal aliens?


Because we are a non-partisan site and believe in equal-opportunity political snark, here is a clip of John McCain squirming uncomfortably while trying to skirt the issue when asked what he thought of the opinion that it is unfair that insurance companies cover Viagra, but not birth control:

Wonder what Natalie Portman has been doing lately?

Well besides what appears to be the dude Sarah leaves her boyfriend for in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, not really that much. Unless you count starring in her boyfriend's Bollywoodesque music video.

At least, I hope that's a music video I'm watching and not an acid flashback.

I'm sure those fuckers in Boston are loving this one!

Watch them start playing "Material Girl" when A-Rod comes up to bat.

Us Weekly reported today that Alex Rodriguez has been making late-night booty calls to Madonna's Central Park West apartment. Apparently, "all the doormen are talking."

The two have the same manager, Guy Oseary, who hung up the phone on the magazine when they called for a comment.

Madonna is still not commenting on the rumors that she and Guy Ritchie are divorcing. Alex was caught cheating last year when he was photographed with a stripper.

Neither of these two should be married in the first place. They need to take a lesson from Derek Jeter.

SOURCE



UPDATE- Madonna's spokesman, Liz Rosenberg attempted some damage control by releasing the following statement to PEOPLE:

"Madonna's husband Guy arrived in New York last night to be with his wife and family (not in a last ditch attempt to save his marriage which does not need saving). There are no plans for Madonna and Guy to divorce.

Madonna and Alex have the same manager, Guy Oseary. They have met. They know each other and Madonna took her kids to a Yankees game last week. There's really not anything to comment on beyond that.

It's nothing new that people are airing tons of dirty laundry Madonna's way lately – much of it untrue. By the way, rumors of Madonna and Lil Wayne are quite exaggerated as well."

Damn Matt Damon!

Here's Matt on the set of his new movie, The Informant looking an awful lot like Ned Flanders!

Hey that reminds me, remember that song Informer? A licky boom boom down!



Matt kind of looks like him too!

America's Got Talent?

Last night was the premiere of America's Got Talent a.k.a. I'm Not Talented Enough To Get On American Idol or So You Think You Can Dance.

Here's the highlights?:


What's scary is this guy looks more like Britney Spears than Britney does.



Ok, so cute it's nauseating. I seriously barfed up some rainbow puppies after watching this and it tasted sugary and delicious coming up.




The one act that actually had talent.

Random shit I found on YouTube

I totally agree with Obama on this issue:





This is begging for a disco remix!

Wait what? Who had a baby?

It was announced today that Vin Diesel and his girlfriend, model Paloma Jimenez, had a baby girl back on April 2nd.

Ok, everyone that thought Vin Diesel was gay raise your hand.

Put your hand down Vin.

SOURCE

Asshats of the Week

Every single person who saw this happen and did nothing.

Are we as a society really here already? If so, that's really fucking depressing.

A disturbing surveillance video showing an elderly man getting hit by a car and then being ignored by bystanders has shocked — and shamed — many in Hartford, Conn.

Angel Arce Torres, 78, was trying to cross the street when a Honda plowed into him, sending him flying and leaving him lying crumpled and bleeding in the middle of the street. The driver of the car did not stop; but, even more disturbingly, passing cars and people on the sidewalk nearby did nothing to help Torres.

As Torres lay in the street, nine cars passed him without stopping. More than 40 seconds went by before anyone even stepped off the sidewalk to get a closer look. But no one went over to Torres' body to try to help or even divert traffic.

Finally, after about a minute and a half, a police car responding to a different call happened upon the scene and an ambulance was called.

The accident occurred last Friday, but Hartford's police chief released the traffic surveillance video on Wednesday, hoping to get information on the hit-and-run driver and make an arrest.

Chief Daryl Roberts also expressed outrage in a news conference Wednesday, saying "we no longer have a moral compass."

SOURCE

HUH???

Speaking of American Idols that I'd like to procreate with, here's one that..well, not so much..but apparently someone wanted some hot Aiken sperm!

TMZ just broke news that Clay Aiken is going to be a father.

No, really. And she's due in August!!

Clay lives with a woman in her late 40's named Jaymes (yes, that's a woman) Foster. Jaymes is a record producer (her brother is David Foster) and Clay's BFF. And soon to be BABY MAMA!

Calm down everyone--he didn't knock her up that way. I mean, come on that stuff only happens in bad Madonna movies. Jaymes was artifically inseminated of course! And Clay is going to help raise the child . Wow, I thought that kind of stuff only happened in bad Jennifer Aniston movies!

Aiken's rep has not released a comment. Unfortunately neither has Kathy Griffin.

OMG, Claymates are gonna lost their shit!

SOURCE

This is a photo of:

A) A homeless man who really does use the handouts for food.

B) Weird Uncle Louie.

C) Weird Uncle Bob.

D) Russell Crowe.