Goodbye 2008

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season! (Anybody else as glad it's over as me?)

So now all that bullshit's over, it's time to look back at the fucked year that was 2008. And I decided that the best way I could do that was to put all the highlights (?) into a lameass parody.

But what song could I rip off that compiles past events into a catchy sing-a-long? Hmmm.

Oh yeah.

A Wrap-up Is Required

(sung to the tune of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire")

(play the video and sing along with my words)

Marry conman? "no way!" so said Anne Hathaway
Cherry chapstick, kissed a girl; Phelps gets the gold
Paul McCartney divorcin'; Superbowl - the Giants win
Jacko's career to diarrhea, Neverland is sold

Facebook dot com; Rock of Love; Kardashian
A-Rod she first denied, but then Madonna split with Guy
Miley/Hannah’s sixteen; Aiken is an out queen
Sex and the City, Twilight, Iron Man and Dark Knight

CHORUS:

A wrapup is required
Gossip's always churning
Another year is turning
These asshats we admired
No we won't admit it
So we try to spin it

Obama and Biden, McCain and Palin
Who is dumber? Joe the Plumber, what in the fuck?

Giuliani, Romney, John Edwards, and Hilary
Breaking down all the walls, Congrats to Barack

If you like it, put a ring; Heidi Montag tries to sing
Axl’s album, China ban, Dr. Pepper, a free can

The very humble KANYE WEST, with auto-tune he’s obsessed
Britney’s crazy, Britney’s sane, the music still sucks anyway!

CHORUS:

A wrapup is required
Gossip's always churning
Another year is turning
These asshats we admired
No we won't admit it
So we try to spin it

Paul Newman, Isaac Hayes, Tim Russert, and Bettie Page
Heston, Bernie Mac, Carlin, and Pollack

Estelle Getty, Cyd Charrise, Heath Ledger, Rest in Peace
So hard to say goodbye.... wait, Amy Winehouse didn’t die?

Halle had a baby, so did Nic Richie
Jess Alba, J-Lo, Keith Urban and Nicole

Brangie, Christina A, even Matt McConaughey,
Britney’s sister, ut oh, didn’t use birth control!

CHORUS:

A wrapup is required
Gossip's always churning
Another year is turning
These asshats we admired
No we won't admit it
So we try to spin it

"By the way," said Silverman, "I'm fucking Matt Damon"
Jess Simpson - has-been, won't stop blabbin
Winners Philadelphia; Jonas Brothersmania
"Not cool" this again? - Jolie vs. Aniston

Locklear under arrest; Spitzer paid a lot for sex
Prop 8: not fair to gays; OJ's finally put away!!

CHORUS:

A wrapup is required
Gossip's always churning
Another year is turning
These asshats we admired
No we won't admit it
So we try to spin it

Gossip Girl, Mad Men, Brenda Walsh is back again
Guest spots, Cook rocked, Tina Fey’s Palin mock
Reality on the incline with writers on the picket line
The best villain that we had was Archuletta’s stage dad

Mortgage crisis, market dive, financial suicide
Too much debt, layoff threats, CEO’s still on their jets
Auto execs take the floor, government bailouts they score
Slip into recession more, now everybody’s fucking poor!

CHORUS:

A wrapup is required
Gossip's always churning
Another year is turning

A wrapup is required
And now the year gone
But bullshit still goes on, and on, and on, and on...

Heidi and Spencer's Fake ass Honeymoon Photos

Everyone's favorite couple, Heidi and Spencer, topped off their fake-ass wedding with a fake-ass honeymoon. Of course, they brought along a photographer to document every wretched moment. You can see all the photos on TMZ (there's over 100!), but actually, some of them weren't so bad:

"Hey Joel, you were right! That flesh-colored beard IS creepy!"

Asshat Hollywood would like to extend its best wishes to the happy couple!

Heigl's lovin' it

BREAKING NEWS!!! Katherine Heigl celebrated her 30th birthday last night in Hollywood with a 1920's themed party, but on the way, she stopped at Micky D's for some grub.

According to reports, the Rolls-Royce she was riding in went through a Hollywood drive-through and Katherine was spotted scarfing down a Big MAC in her expensive gown!! Who knew, she always seemed so healthy!

McDonald's later commented to New York Post, "Our food is well-known and well-liked by millions - including talented, world-famous actresses."

No word on who the talented, world-famous actresses are.

Hey, Katherine's old enough to remember this:

ENOUGH!

Ok, who else is SOOOO sick and tired of that stupid ode to faux-lesbianism "I Kissed A Girl"?

Seriously, it is scientifically impossible to hit "scan" on your radio and not have that damn song come up on at least three stations at the same time! It is so fucking annoying. Even more annoying? Those drunk ass girls who think they're being all sexy by making out with each other at clubs when it really just reeks of desperation because they are just doing it to get approval from some nasty hootin' and hollerin' frat boys. Thanks for encouraging this behavior even more Katy Perry!

(NOTE: Not that I even need to say it, but I would just like to point out that I have no problem at all with the gay and lesbian community, you all know the shit I'm talking about.)

So now this Katy Perry chick is getting her fifteen minutes for being soooo shocking. Yeah, ok, please. This shit was already done like 10 years ago. Newsflash: Girl on girl kissing isn't so risque anymore. It's 2008, look at all the famous mainstream lesbians: Ellen DeGeneres, Melissa Etheridge, Rosie O'Donnell, Clay Aiken! So sorry Katy Perry, you and the dude who wrote this song for you suck.

Know what's still shocking in 2008? Bestiality, that's what. Fucking animals! So with that in mind, I revised your song for you Katy. You're welcome.

This may be hard to understand
Please, no intervention
I’m not ashamed, I’ll take a stand
Against repression
Try not to misconstrue
I’m gonna drop a bomb
I'm asking you to hold
Your condescension

I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
I know you might think that is sick
I fucked a squirrel, won’t deny it
Hope rabies didn't transmit
It felt so small
It felt so slight
Gonna store some nuts tonight
I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
I liked it

No, I don't think that I’m insane
Your opinion don’t matter
It’s not a detrimental shame
I just love nature
It's not what, humans do
He’s my hot furry game
It’s not rodent abuse
PETA stay the fuck away!

I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
Ain’t that some crazy-ass shit?
I fucked a squirrel, not implying it
Rodents don’t just make Richard Gere tick
Made up this song
Easy to write
I’ll be a success overnight
I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
I liked it

This love is inexplicable
That fur, that tail, screw "permissible"
Prefer Rocky to Bullwinkle
Don't knock it 'til you try it
Roadkill appeal; that acorn scent!

I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
Doesn’t that make me a wild chick?
I fucked a squirrel, won’t deny it
But his teeth did hurt a bit
This could be wrong
Am I alright?
Didn’t take my meds tonight
I fucked a squirrel, and I….
I FUCKED A SQUIRREL???

OH SHIT, CARRRR!!!!!!!

I love you, you love me, Nicole is now a good mommy

"Wow Paris, you gained weight!"

For some reason I thought Barney was shot dead sometime around 1995.

If not, he should have been.

Don't agree? Fine, then tell me you can watch this without shoving broken glass in your eyes and ears:

Random shit I found on YouTube

Ever been so bored out of your mind that shit like this is fascinating?

Falling Down (twice)

Did you hear? Scarlett Johansson wants to be a singer now! Here's her new video, called "Falling Down."



Ok, was anyone able to get through more than 5 seconds of that loose stool? (And it doesn't count if you fell asleep!) Woody Allen probably told her she could sing in yet another attempt to get into her pants. And what's with the Sinead ripoff? I was waiting for her to start singing about how she goes out every night and sleeps all day.

Fuck that shit.

Here's another video to a song called "Falling Down", only the difference is that this one's awesome:



Great band: check!
Kickass song: check!
Ode to classic 80's movie: check!

Stuff we really, really didn't need to know

Britney Spears has reportedly been receiving regular colonic sessions at a Beverly Hills clinic!! Fun!!

The Daily Mirror got the poop, oops, I mean scoop. A source said, "Cleansing a few times a week gets rid of lingering stuff in the colon. Britney's had the treatment before and says it makes her feel great, more upbeat and energetic." And not toxic!!!

Aren't you glad you know that now? How's your lunch by the way?

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You'll poke your eye out!

WARNING: All Umbrella-ella-ella dancing is performed by professionals and should not be attempted otherwise.

Rihanna should consider printing that warning on her concert tickets after banning fans from bringing umbrellas to her U.K. shows over fears for their safety.

And the hysterical part is that the ban is actually warranted after several concertgoers were injured after attempting to imitate her umbrella-accompanied dance moves during her performance of her hit song at recent shows on her European tour!

A security guard who works at an arena in Scotland where Rihanna recently performed said, "We don't normally ask people to leave an umbrella outside. But we were taking precautions over a potential accident. We were told that Rihanna's song features dancing with umbrellas on stage. We didn't want the crowd following her actions and someone getting their eye poked out."

I applaud Rihanna for looking out for her fans like that. Umbrellas are no joke. Just ask Britney! If only Gene Kelly had taken this precaution back in his day-- I'm sure lots of people's grandparents would still have both eyes.

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Law and Chaotic Order Chapter 532: Britney gets ADD

Britney Spears, come on down!! You just failed your court-appointed drug test!

Which means, it's time to play

Pick A Drug To Blame Your "False-Positive" On!



Britney: "Let's go with Provigil. I take it for my narcolepsy."

EEENNNTTTT!!!

Bob: "I'm sorry Britney, but that drug would not show up on a court-ordered drug test."

Britney: "Shit. Ok, how about Albuterol? I take that for my...um....my......."

Lawyer: "Asthma moron."

Britney: "Asthma moron."

Bob: "Are you calling me a moron young lady?"

Britney: "No Mr. Barker, my lawyer is."

Bob: "Can we just see the answer please?"

ENNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!

Bob: "I'm sorry but that is wrong also. Albuterol is not an amphetamine and your failllll---um, false positive was caused by an amphetamine. You have one more chance to choose your defense."

Britney: "OOHH Cheetos are up there, can I have those?"

Lawyer: "No! Adderall."

Britney: "I mean Adderall."

Bob: "Wait, so you have ADD now in addition to narcolepsy and asthma?"

Britney: "No silly, that's what my lawyer is saying to cover up the speed!"

Lawyer: "I quit."

Bob: "Let's see how you did Britney. Adderall is.............."

DING DING DING!!!

Bob: "CORRECT! Congratulations Britney, you have won the ADD medication defense to use in court tomorrow!"

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Ninety-six asshats need a kick in the head

In an effort to show what a generous children-loving person she is, Britney Spears is auctioning off a (as in "ONE") signed copy of her latest CD, Blackout on eBay with 100% of the proceeds going to UNICEF. For some reason Britney has teamed up with photo agency X17 to run the auction. Oh yeah, because she's a moron and can't post an eBay auction by herself.

Brit said, via a press released issued by X17, "I think it's important to give back and with the release of Blackout, this seemed like the perfect opportunity to give the fans a chance to bid on something to help children everywhere."

How generous of her! I'm being serious. See normally, I'd say something like "this bitch makes $750,000 a month and the best she can do is sign ONE CD for charity?!" But we all know that Brit's been having to shell out lots of her cash to K-Fed for his lawyer fees and for taking care of those pesky children. She probably barely has enough left for Starbucks and Marlboros so give her a break and LEAVE HER ALONE! (oh that's all played out? Sorry.)

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE AUCTION

What I can't believe is that there are currently 96 bids and that bid amount is up to $7,200.00!!! The Fuck? That's a pre-owned car! Or a European vacation. Or 15157 Frappicuinos! Who are these people? Asshats, that's who. Hey, 96 morons, you want a Britney Spears autograph? HERE YOU GO! There's one for $7.95 and that's when she was hot.

And don't give me that whole "it's for charity" argument. Wanna donate to UNICEF? Do it here without the paparazzi middleman.

Maxim is So Classy

Maxim magazine has released probably the meanest list in the history of lists: "The Least Sexiest Women Alive".

Sarah Jessica Parker managed to beat Amy Winehouse and Britney among others for the top "honor." The list was put together from results of a survey of Maxim's readers so those men can feel better about themselves while taking a break from jacking off to photos of half naked women they'd never have a chance with. Seriously, the whole thing is just plain mean. It brings back awful memories of junior high.

Anyway, here's the top five (Britney was so robbed!):

#1. Sarah Jessica Parker

#2. Amy Winehouse

#3. Sandra Oh

#4. Madonna

#5. Britney

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I DEMAND A RECOUNT

The website current.com recently conducted a poll of the sexiest stripteases in movie history. The top spot went to Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies. Kim Basinger's "trememdous sex appeal" in 91/2 Weeks scored the second spot, and Salma Hayek in From Dusk Till Dawn came in third Runners-up included Elisha Cuthbert in The Girl Next Year, Natalie Portman in Closer, and Demi Moore in Striptease.

HELLO?!!! How can you have a list of the sexiest stripteases in film and leave out the epitome of awesomeness and elegance, Nomi Malone? I mean really!

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