Neverland No More

The title to the Neverland Ranch was transferred this past Monday to a company called Sycamore Valley Ranch Company, LLC, which is a joint venture between Michael Jackson and a division of a New York based private equity firm named Colony Capitol (who took over Michael's $24.5 million debt on the property earlier this year.) Colony owns many properties in Las Vegas including the Las Vegas Hilton. This has prompted rumors that Michael has signed on to have his own show in Las Vegas.

The property will no longer be called Neverland. It will now be referred to as Sycamore Valley Ranch in an attempt that people will no longer associate the property with child molestation, but instead with salad dressing.

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"I'm shy, heehee"

Hey remember last week before the big American Idol finale there were all kinds of rumors going around about who the "BIGGEST STAR IN THE WORLD" was going to be? Well, it wasn't George Michael they were talking about.

Turns out it was supposed to be Wacko Jacko himself!

Michael was going to be the big surprise star but pulled out (insert your own sick pedo joke) at the last minute because he had stage fright.

A source told The Sun, "This was his big chance but he got stage-fright. [He kept saying] 'I can't do it. Everyone will hate me'."

Oh Michael, don't be silly, people already hate you!

In related news, David Archuleta is said to be very relieved. (I know, that was lame)

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The check is in the mail Wyclef

Or was that the Jacko is in the male child? Either way, Wyclef Jean is still waiting for payment from Michael Jackson for recordings of some of Michael's tracks that he worked on nearly ten years ago!

Wyclef said, "Michael owes me money. After Mike did Blood On The Dance Floor I went into the studio with him. We did a couple of sessions. When I'm in the studio I'm very specific. I'm very tough in the studio. It was a long time ago now, but I still haven't been paid. Mike knows the money he owes me. I just wish he'd get in touch."

Yeah good luck on that man. You have a better chance of the Fugees reuniting than you will ever seeing a dime from Michael Jackson. On a possible Fugees reunion, Wyclef has said, "Before I work with Lauryn Hill again, you will have a better chance of seeing Osama Bin Laden and [George W.] Bush in Starbucks having a latte, discussing foreign policies, before there will be a Fugees reunion"

Ok, in that case Wyclef, make that you have a better chance of seeing Osama Bin Laden and George W. Bush in Starbucks having a latte, discussing foreign policies, than you will ever seeing a dime from Michael Jackson.

Michael is believed to be over 300 million dollars in debt. (Makes ya feel a little better about your Visa bill huh?)

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Good News Ladies (and young boys)!!!

Woo hoo, get that Jesus Juice on ice! Michael Jackson is NOT married!

Earlier this week, many hearts were crushed when reports came out that Jacko had married his children's nanny, Grace Rwaramba. However now his spokeswoman has released a statement that the rumors are false:

"Wide-spreading reports regarding Michael Jackson being married are not true. Documents stating otherwise are a hoax."

I know you all are relieved that this hot piece is still on the market.

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Hear that noise? That's John Lennon rolling over in his grave (again)

The Beatles are getting shit on, literally. Michael Jackson has licensed the use of their song "All You Need is Love" for a series of Luvs diaper commercials. (Sony/ATV now owns the rights to the Beatles back catalog, but Wacko still has a stake in it.)

No word yet on the sale of "A Hard Day's Night" to Viagra.

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I thought he was broke

Michael Jackson has purchased the publishing rights for Eminem's back catalogue.

Wacko bought Famous Music LLC from Viacom for an undisclosed amount and now owns the rights to songs by Shakira, Beck, and Bjork, as well as Eminem under the transaction.

He said, "This is a milestone event for Sony/ATV Music Publishing. The diverse collection of songs in this catalogue range from timeless classics to contemporary hits, and I am pleased to add the acquisition of Famous Music to Sony/ ATV."

So I guess this means we'll be hearing "Stan" in a Nike commercial soon!

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Are they trying to drive people away?

' A 50 foot robotic replica of MICHAEL JACKSON will be reportedly erected in the desert surrounding Las Vegas, according to reports. The self-proclaimed king of pop is currently in talks to sign a long-term concert deal in Nevada's Sin City and local businessmen claim the huge Jackson likeness is among the proposals. Consultant Mike Luckman of Luckman Van Pier, tells the New York Daily News, "It would be in the desert sands. Laser beams would shoot out of it so it would be the first thing people flying would see. Neon is wonderful, but it's old school." '

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Ok, now this is really scary. I bet this is what finally sets off the war with the aliens. Somebody better call Will Smith.

In related news, Michael is reportedly also in talks to open up a Boys' Club in Vegas. Asked why, Michael winked and said "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." (Too predictable? Sorry)

Would you pay $3,500.00 to touch this?

"What a lovely picture. Is it of your bottom?"

Apparently 400 people in Toyko would. Jacko was nice enough to meet with children from an orphanage for free though. That Michael, a heart of gold I tell ya!

Why did Michael Jackson go to Kmart?

He heard boys' pants were half off! [tap,tap, cymbal crash!]


Wacko Jacko pledges his support to Asshat Hollywood by donning a pair of tighty whities on his head. Now that's a real asshat, especially if they are used.

Ok, you have one minute to make all the Michael Jackson/little boys/underwear jokes you can. Go!