Sorry for the interruption

As a wise man named Eddie Vedder once said, I’m still alive. Hey yeah., Oh. Oh. I’m still alive.

So who missed me?




Mom?





Dad?




God? Are you there God, it’s me Shithead?




Damn Well, if there is anyone out there, I do apologize for my extended leave of absence. But I have returned because this pathetic slut known as Asshat Hollywood needed a good, hard pity fuck really bad and wouldn’t stop sexting me.

Sometimes you just get in a funk, you know?

So I was trying to figure out just why I’ve had no urge to keep up with the going-ons of the attention whores of the world and the answer came to me in a vision of hair extensions attached to a hollow head standing next to a living, breathing douche the other night while watching “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.” See, it’s because lately, the only attention whores in the news aren’t even real stars. I know it’s been heading this way for a while, but now they are the large majority. “They” being these people that are really hard to give a real shit about one way or the other, let alone devote time and energy to make fun of. And most of the time, these dumbasses do enough stupid shit on their own that you don’t need to bother anyway. I mean, look at all the news in the past 48 hours surrounding Heidi and Spencer – “Did they really quit the show? Will they come back again? Are they really being replaced? By who? Heidi’s sister? Wait, Heidi’s SISTER? Who? Why?” Who gives a shit about these twats?

And then of course we have the Jon and Kate saga every fucking second for the past few hundred months. It’s headline news. There’s something really wrong with that. Who the hell are these idiots? They actually had a special report on their marriage problems on E! a few weeks ago. Before all this foolishness, I remember seeing Kate once, (once!) on some show about multiple births and I only remember it because she had this big nasty stomach with saran wrap over it and it made me gag and change the channel and then I was really happy because Empire Records was on FUSE and I love that movie (“Stop calling me Warren!”) Now you can’t change the channel (or go online or to the grocery store) without seeing headlines about John and Kate and that thing on her head. Who gives a shit about these morons?! Is anyone even taking care of those children? She’s making Octomom look normal. And there’s another one. And so it goes and goes and goes.

It’s so sad that nowadays anybody can become a celebrity. I miss the days when a person actually had to have talent and star quality and work their ass off or at least sleep their way to the top to become famous. Because lazy, talentless assholes like me respect people like that. But now, you don’t have to be or do any of those things anymore. All you have to do is:

A) Go on a reality show
B) Be related to someone famous, someone that was on a reality show, or someone really rich
C) Take fertility drugs and have a bunch of babies at once
D) Any combination of the above

I guess that’s actually good news for us lazy, talentless assholes of the world because that means that we too can become famous. We all can! But that presents a problem. This conundrum is best explained in the cinematic classic, To Die For, when at the end after Nicole Kidman gets whacked (speaking of, her face never seemed to recover from being frozen in that lake) Lydia epilogues: “Suzanne used to say that you're not really anybody in America unless you're on TV... 'cause what's the point of doing anything worthwhile if there's nobody watching? So when people are watching, it makes you a better person. So if everybody was on TV all the time, everybody would be better people. But, if everybody was on TV all the time, there wouldn't be anybody left to watch, and that's where I get confused." We’re almost there, Lydia, we’re almost there.


Anyway, I’m gonna stop rambling now and express my thoughts in song.





(You know the drill, hit play and follow along below)

Can someone please tell me
Who these people are?
Who’s Audrina Partridge?
Why are real housewives stars?

Contestants on “The Bachelor”
Are called celebrities
And Kim Kardashian’s sisters
Got their own show on E!

I really don’t understand just how
Your face is on my TV now
When did you to prove to me
Your relevancy?
Who in…the fuck…are you?

I can’t resist the urge to shove pencils in my eyes
Every time I see coverage of one of Jon and Kate’s fights
I don’t care about their issues
Or who is screwing who
But what poor rodent had to die for that wack hairdo?

Somebody tell me how we allow
These twits to turn into cash cows
I have a college degree
But the Pratts make more than me
Who in…the fuck….are you?

Hey you’re not off the hook, yeah you: Susan Boyle
I really don’t care who kissed you, or if you dyed your fro

Oh yeah I did

Cuz all I can say is “fucking wow”
At all the shit that’s popular now
Goddamn reality
Brooke Hogan, get off my TV!
Who in …the fuck….are you?

That goes for everyone on VH1 now
And that freak Vince who sells ShamWow
You bitches don’t count to me
As real celebrities
Who in…the fuck…are you?

　
Well at least the super talented, charismatic, contestant won on American Idol though right? Wait, what?

Hulk Hogan is even more delusional than we thought

Hulk Hogan recently told the Los Angeles Times that he was sent the script for the lead character in The Wrestler but passed on the movie.

He went on to say, "I don't think the public could have handled it, though. Just made me realize after seeing the movie with Mickey Rourke that if someone does the real Hulk Hogan movie, you better hang on for the ride, brother."

He continued, "[The movie] Made me realize how shock value - that just the drop of reality - can have an effect on the public. It was wrestling light. Very light version of wrestling."

If that wasn't enough, Hogan, then went on to give advice to Mickey Rourke on appearing at Wrestlemania (which after last night's episode of Monday Night Raw, looks like it is going to happen.)

Hulk said, "You don't want to jade your performance or have the Hollywood community look at you like, 'you sold out."

(I'll pause while everyone laughs over the idea of Hulk Hogan giving advice on not selling out.)

He went on to say that it was because he continued wrestling that he was never accepted by the Hollywood community and never able to become a legitimate movie star like Dwayne "Don't call me 'The Rock' " Johnson.

Yeah, that's why. Not because of dookie like this:



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America got it wrong....WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night on the American Idol results show, the first three members of the top 12 were chosen.

After Alexis Grace and Michael Sarver (why?) took the first two chairs of victory, it came down the goddess that is Tatiana and douchebag dead wife pimper Danny Gokey for the final two spots. After dragging it out "after the break" solely in hopes for a Tatiana meltdown, here's how it went:



Hey, Danny's friend: Cue the photo of Danny and his dead wife! Classy!

I can't believe America bought into that shit. So fucking wrong!

It really, really pisses me off. So much so, that I'm having a hard time putting it into words. So at this time, I'd like to introduce our special guest, WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Edge, to tell America just how fucking wrong they were to put Danny through instead of Tatiana.



I think that sums it up pretty well. Thank you Edge.

At least Simon agrees:



Fuck you Danny Gokey. Watch him pull some Kanye West at the 2008 Grammys bullshit.

Hopefully we haven't seen the last of Tatiana and she will be back for the wild card show.

Oh, and hey Michael "I'm a nice guy so put me through" Sarver, THIS is how you sing "I Don't Wanna Be":



If Norman Gentle doesn't get through next week, I don't know what I'm going to do.


AWESOME PHOTOCHOPS COURTESY OF VOTEFORTHEWORST.COM - well, I don't know about the courtesy part, I just kind of took them, but I am giving credit so I think that's pretty courteous.

More bullshit with Nadya Suleman

"All lies. I have no interest in her. None," she says. "I've never been a fan of anybody famous. Now I kinda have a taste. But it's not being famous – it's being infamous. It's a nightmare." - Octomonster desperately trying to keep her name in the news by still denying that she is obsessed with St. Angelina.

By the way, if anyone out there is bummed that Nadya's donation website is closed, have no fear!! Donate to this guy!

SOURCE


Aren't the 15 minutes up on her yet?

Ho, Ho, Creepy Flesh Colored Beard!

Santa: "You would not believe the number of people who have asked me to make you two go away!"

Heidi and Spencer's Fake ass Honeymoon Photos

Everyone's favorite couple, Heidi and Spencer, topped off their fake-ass wedding with a fake-ass honeymoon. Of course, they brought along a photographer to document every wretched moment. You can see all the photos on TMZ (there's over 100!), but actually, some of them weren't so bad:

"Hey Joel, you were right! That flesh-colored beard IS creepy!"

Asshat Hollywood would like to extend its best wishes to the happy couple!

I forgot half these people even existed!

The new cast of CMT's reality singing competition, Gone Country has been announced:


Disgraced Miss USA Tara Conner:

Monkee Micky Dolenz:

The awesome George Clinton:
Star of the classic Night at the Roxbury, Richard Grieco:

Taylor "Tell It To My Heart" Dayne:

Justin Guarini of From Justin to Kelly fame:

and Shelia E (thought to be the only female drummer of all time):

Should be an interesting season.

I didn't watch any of the other ones but Sebastian Bach won last season's show. Here he is, in his Bret Michaels cowboy hat, with his country hit " Battle With the Bottle" (that would be a good song for Tara Connor!):



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You can do it Spencer!

After you're through with Heidi, just use your toe!



Speaking of Heidi, I am sorry to report that after only one year, her fashion line, “Heidiwood” for Anchor Blue is being discontinued.



This really sucks. I was planning to be an 80's hooker for Halloween this year. Where the hell am I gonna get my costume now?

Nick's out!! Let's Party!

Nick Hogan was released from jail at 12:30 am this morning after serving 166 days of his eight-month sentence for his involvement in the drag racing crash that injured his friend John Graziano for life.

Nick's mother Linda peeled herself off her 18 year old boyfriend long enough to release the following statement:

"This is our time as a family to come together to support Nick's adjustment back into the public life, keeping it as normal as possible. Neither Nick, nor we as a family, has any interest in making this anything but private. We respect the media's role and only ask that they respect our privacy. Nick went into prison as a juvenile and has experienced something that will mold and affect him for the rest of his adult life. His focus is to make a positive difference in this world, media-free. Since his future actions will speak louder than any words, there is no need to speak to the media at this time."

Soooo, the biggest famewhore family on television wants their privacy now? That's pretty funny. Also funny is that while in jail, Nick reportedly said that hopes to get his own reality show! What's sad is that he probably will seeing as how VH1 is giving out reality shows to just about anyone these days (Real Chance at Love, Daisy of Love, I love VD's!). They can fucking call it Nick Should Know Better.

But right now, the media needs to leave them alone? Sorry brother, it don't work like that. I wish the media would give them privacy as in NEVER SHOWING THEM ON TELEVISION AGAIN!

Seriously, is there anyone in America (or any other country) who actually likes these brats? Is there seriously anybody that enthusiastically watches Brooke Knows Best (and I don't mean watch it in an ironic "why is this annoying giant chick with no talent, personality, or any redeeming qualities relevant enough to warrant a national 30 minute television show?" kind of way.) I mean, Jesus! Nick and Brooke Hogan make Jack and Kelly Osbourne look like Donny and Marie Osmond. Enough already. Nobody likes them!!

Are you listening VH1? Read your own message boards!

The first season of Hogan Knows Best was ok and kind of fun BEFORE THE FAMILY TURNED INTO A FREAKIN' TRAINWRECK (or is that carwreck?)!! And that show was centered around someone who was actually famous for their accomplishments. And now that I bring him up, I'm sick of him too! He's just as much a famewhore as the rest of them. Anyone catch Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling? Yeah, he could disappear too. And I'm a wrestling fan! (When Hulk's music hit on Monday Night Raw a couple weeks ago, I was actually relieved when it was Charlie Haas doing an impression!)

Ok, I think I'm about done. I just had to get that out.

Oh yeah, one more thing... Wanna know the first thing Nick did to make a "positive difference" when he got out of jail? He had a loud party! Seems he's taking the Paris Hilton route to post lockup enlightenment.

FUCK OFF HOGANS!

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Michael Lohan is not allowed at Lindsay's wedding

Lindsay Lohan has reportedly banned her father from attending a party she and girlfriend Samantha Ronson are throwing at Hollywood's Peninsula Hotel on August 8th for "their closest friends and family." Hmmm, wonder what kind of party this is.

Lindsay allegedly even hired extra security to make sure only people on the guest list are let in. The reason she doesn't want Michael there is because he doesn't approve of Lindsay and Sam's relationship. A source told Britain's Daily Star newspaper: "Michael thinks Lindsay is just going through another phase and that she will end up getting hurt. He thinks it is embarrassing."

Are you listening E!? Why not follow Lindsay's lead and ban Dina from your airwaves?

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ENOUGH!

Ok, who else is SOOOO sick and tired of that stupid ode to faux-lesbianism "I Kissed A Girl"?

Seriously, it is scientifically impossible to hit "scan" on your radio and not have that damn song come up on at least three stations at the same time! It is so fucking annoying. Even more annoying? Those drunk ass girls who think they're being all sexy by making out with each other at clubs when it really just reeks of desperation because they are just doing it to get approval from some nasty hootin' and hollerin' frat boys. Thanks for encouraging this behavior even more Katy Perry!

(NOTE: Not that I even need to say it, but I would just like to point out that I have no problem at all with the gay and lesbian community, you all know the shit I'm talking about.)

So now this Katy Perry chick is getting her fifteen minutes for being soooo shocking. Yeah, ok, please. This shit was already done like 10 years ago. Newsflash: Girl on girl kissing isn't so risque anymore. It's 2008, look at all the famous mainstream lesbians: Ellen DeGeneres, Melissa Etheridge, Rosie O'Donnell, Clay Aiken! So sorry Katy Perry, you and the dude who wrote this song for you suck.

Know what's still shocking in 2008? Bestiality, that's what. Fucking animals! So with that in mind, I revised your song for you Katy. You're welcome.

This may be hard to understand
Please, no intervention
I’m not ashamed, I’ll take a stand
Against repression
Try not to misconstrue
I’m gonna drop a bomb
I'm asking you to hold
Your condescension

I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
I know you might think that is sick
I fucked a squirrel, won’t deny it
Hope rabies didn't transmit
It felt so small
It felt so slight
Gonna store some nuts tonight
I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
I liked it

No, I don't think that I’m insane
Your opinion don’t matter
It’s not a detrimental shame
I just love nature
It's not what, humans do
He’s my hot furry game
It’s not rodent abuse
PETA stay the fuck away!

I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
Ain’t that some crazy-ass shit?
I fucked a squirrel, not implying it
Rodents don’t just make Richard Gere tick
Made up this song
Easy to write
I’ll be a success overnight
I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
I liked it

This love is inexplicable
That fur, that tail, screw "permissible"
Prefer Rocky to Bullwinkle
Don't knock it 'til you try it
Roadkill appeal; that acorn scent!

I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
Doesn’t that make me a wild chick?
I fucked a squirrel, won’t deny it
But his teeth did hurt a bit
This could be wrong
Am I alright?
Didn’t take my meds tonight
I fucked a squirrel, and I….
I FUCKED A SQUIRREL???

OH SHIT, CARRRR!!!!!!!

Flea Bomb maybe...

So one of the Kardashians who isn't Kim, Khloe, was arrested on drunk driving charges and served her three hour sentence Friday. She was supposed to serve 30 days, but her time was reduced due to overcrowding and because she posed a threat to the prison population, or so she told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show this morning.

Are you ready for this? Khloe said, "There was a bomb threat. They put me in solitary confinement and the warden came down to talk to me and said, 'You're the one causing all the problems here. ... There are all these bomb threats, and we think they're because of you.'"

Khloe also said she had to watch an "intense" instructional video about "how to be a good inmate" and to avoid fights and getting a staph infection.

Write your own joke.

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Jessica Simpson: She's just like you!

Jessica Simpson's new career as a country star isn't going too well.

She was booed at her debut performance at the Country Thunder USA Festival in Twin Lakes, Wisconsin. She came on after Kellie Pickler, who people cheered for! That's bad.

A concertgoer, Adam Matos, 21 was quoted as saying "I just don't hear the country in her; I don't hear the twang. She's not good enough to be here."

Jessica attempted stop the boos by saying, "I don't know what your perception is of Jessica Simpson or what tabloid you buy, but I just want you to know that I'm just a girl from Texas; I'm just like you. I'm doing what I love and dating a boy."

Because the people of Wisconsin are all just girls from Texas.

Won't those Simpson sisters ever learn? When you get booed, you GO AWAY!
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First pic of one of Angelina's babies!!!

Look, Shiloh's holding her:

HAHAHAHA!! Gotcha!!! That's not a real baby! And, Zahara rules!

Saint Angelina's obstetrician, Dr. Michel Sussmann, held that press conference to let the people of the world know that...................Angelina has NOT yet given birth. Are you freaking kidding??

The doctor did assure everyone that Angie is ok.

"Everything is normal. She is very well, and she's okay. ... Brad and Angelina want everyone to know that everything is going well."

He added that "The babies will arrive in the weeks to come."

WEEKS???!!!! They are playing with our emotions!!! Dirty French teases!

Dr. Sussman said that the reason Angelina was in the hospital was because, "It is simply a visit of surveillance, no birth," and that "she will stay in the hospital until the birth. I will stay with her."

SOURCE


What the hell kind of a famewhore is this doctor anyway? Who holds a freaking press conference for their patient?


THIS JUST IN: Madonna and Guy Ritchie have hired Dr. Michel Sussmann as their new spokesperson. Dr. Sussmann held another press conference and in it he assured everyone that "Everything is normal. They are very well. ... Madonna and Guy want everyone to know that everything is going well."

HEIDI!

Hey kids, Heidi Montag has a new song!! It's called "Fashion" (not to be confused with David Bowie's) It's a work of art, but it's Heidi so of course it is!!

The best part is the very beginning when she yells "HEIDI!" It's even better than "It's Britney Bitch!"

Clooney don't like fake titties

The latest rumor in the big George-Sarah Larson split (does anyone really still care?) comes from In Touch Weekly, who claims it was because Sarah had a boob job.

A source told the magazine, "George really didn't want her to get the boob job. Although she asked George if she could do her recovery at his house and he agreed."

Sarah's next step? Playboy of course. The source added, "She likes her new body so much that she would consider posing for Playboy. Now that she's famous, she would never go back to waitressing."

Famous?

Christ! Yeah, I guess by today's standards. Fear Factor, skanky pictures, sleep with someone famous, boob job, Playboy. You know a reality show's next.

Ugh. Remember the good old days when people got famous based on actual talent?

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Rockstar: KISS?

Because they haven't made enough money yet, KISS founding members Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley are in talks to launch an "American Idol style" tv show to find four new replacements for KISS so the band can continue on long after they retire.

Manager Doc McGhee said, "I believe that KISS can go on forever. I believe that there is a way - and we are talking to people and we're pretty close to getting it done - about finding the four new members of KISS."

Well, it worked for Menudo.

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Who the hell asked your skanky ass?

Tila Tequila recently gave Lindsay Lohan some advice on coming out via Usmagazine. "I think that the fact that everyone knows about it makes it fine. Just go all out with it! If you’re going to do something, do it all out."

Ok, so Tila, why don't you practice what you preach? Everybody knows that your stupid reality dating show is a sham and that you have a longterm boyfriend so why don't you just come out with that? And also that you are talentless famewhore skank? You know, just go all out with it!

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Michael Lohan thinks he is setting a good example

Michael Lohan is feeling a little desperate for attention, since Dina's in the spotlight with the future Emmy award-winning Living Lohan, so he's decided to out his daughter as a lesbian and out himself as a Bible-thumping homophobe.

Michael told Usmagazine.com that Lindsay and Samantha Ronson's relationship "is evident to anyone with half a brain."

But that doesn't mean he approves. "Just like the [topless] Marilyn Monroe spread, Linds is my daughter and there are just some things a father doesn't want to see or hear, regardless of whether they are true or false."

He adds Lindsay "is a big girl, and she can make her own life choices. Then it is between her and God."

Then, for good measure, Michael decided to shift to Dina, "Maybe her mother's life revolves around the tabloids and reports, but mine doesn't. I am into setting a good example and doing good things that don't deceive or exploit my kids. But I will say this: While we were a family, you never even saw or heard a negative thing about any of us. But since the separation, look at everything that has happened!"

Speaking of, TMZ has some video of Michael setting a good example.

Step aside Matt, here comes Rooster!

One sexy bitch!

It seems now that they've (and by "they," I mean YOU E! Network) have given every C and D list celebrity their own reality show, it's time to start giving them out to anyone related to a celebrity.

Meet Rooster McConaughey (ok, his real name is Michael Patrick McConaughey). Yup, he's Matt's brother. Rooster's been living his whole life in the suck that it is to be Matthew McConaughey's brother.

But watch out world, because Rooster's got his very own reality show coming out soon! It's called Black Gold (remember that Soul Asylum song? That was a good song.) and it will debut on TruTV (the old Court TV) on June 18th. Mark Your Calendars! The show will be similar Deadliest Catch and it will be about Rooster and his friends who make their living on an oil rig and go down 10,000 feet below the earth's surface!

Oh wait a minute, Rooster doesn't actually do that. He supplies the pipes for the drills though! And, he's Matthew McConaughey's brother!! Oh and he has a son named Miller Lyte! That's more than Kim Kardashian's got going for her!

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