Is she serious?

Ok, when PEOPLE starts getting snarky ("Does the goodwill ever cease?") , maybe you oughtta consider checking yourself.

This is a photo of Paris in Africa (no not because she promised Larry King she'd help people, but because she's tagging along on tour with Benji & Good Charlotte) signing pictures of herself. Did she bring those with her? Those kids are like "who is this bitch?" The sad part is, she thinks that she's helping them.

I guess she kind of is. I mean whenever those kids get hungry, they can look at the picture and it will hold off the hunger pangs for a couple hours. You know, like hoodia.

Paris is in love and she wants you to be her new best friend!

So Ashton Kutcher's got a new show on E! called Pop Fiction which is basically Punk'd, but the other way around with celebrities pulling the pranks on the paparazzi. Paris and Benji Madden's recent hookup was rumored to be a hoax, but Paris told Ryan Seacrest (and you know they mean business when they go to Seacrest!) that the relationship "no hoax."

Paris told Ryan, "We're really happy ... I feel very safe and very secure."

THANK GOD this is settled!! I knew it was true love!

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In other Paris news, she's about to have a new reality show of her very own and YOU can be her new best friend!!

The show, cleverly titled Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, will be on MTV and will begin production in May. In it, contestants will live in a house with Paris and all her little friends (not talking about her dogs!) and she will teach them how to be her best friend through competions of loyalty, endurance and “girl politics.” (I can already see a Survivor-type challenge with the girls racing to take off their panties and jump in front of a paparazzi camera so Paris will look like the classy one.) Each week, Paris will hold an elimination ceremony where the contestants will receive bottles of Valtrex. The one who doesn't will be told "You're a retarded n****r" by Paris, be forced to pack their bags, and leave immediately.

I know what you're all thinking. Well half of you are thinking, "Isn't 27 a bit old to be using the term 'BFF'?"

The other half are thinking, "Where do I sign up?! "

Here you go, hurry: www.parisbff.com

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No Hotel Rwanda Hilton

" Fuck this, we're outta here!"

Paris Hilton's much hyped philanthropic visit to Rwanda has been postponed by the Playing for Good Foundation.

The organization released the following statement:
"Due to the restructuring of the Playing for Good Foundation, the philanthropic trip to Rwanda that the foundation had previously planned with Paris Hilton has been postponed. Paris has been a loyal and gracious supporter of Playing For Good but the foundation has to regrettably reschedule this trip. Playing for Good would like to thank Ms. Hilton for her generosity and her continued support of this initiative and is looking forward to rescheduling the trip with her at a later time."

Word is the people Rwanda have protested her visit. Ok, they didn't but they've certainly been through enough suffering, wouldn't you agree?

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The future is doomed

So did you hear the one about Paris Hilton wanting to be chriogenically frozen when she dies?

Unfortunately, it's not a joke. Paris wants to live forever so she has invested a large of money in Cryonics Institute, a suspended animation cemetery. She also wants to have her dogs Tinkerbell and Cinderella preserved with her.

"It's so cool," Paris said. "Almost all the cells in the body are still alive when death is pronounced. And if you're immediately cooled, you can be perfectly preserved. My life could be extended by hundreds and thousands of years."

This is like a bad horror movie.

Paris also reflected on her past party girl ways (in case you haven't heard, she's a philanthropist now), "Before, my life was about having fun, going to parties - it was a fantasy. But when I had time to reflect, I felt empty inside. I want to leave a mark on the world."

Oh Paris, you already have.

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Dear Ahhnold, she just made a little mistake!

Sumbitches stole my idea!

Some guy that Paris fucked named Joshua has started an online petition (because we all know how effective those are!) to counter the injustice of a famous person actually going to jail and to spare this national treasure of our mundane lives from being locked up with peasants. Paris put the link on her MySpace page. It's hysterical. I'm half wondering if this guy is joking and she thought it was for real. Either way, I'm sure Arnold is taking time off from his busy schedule of governing CallieFornEEEah to consider this riveting and important but unusual request.

Here's the petition:

To:
The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger [I don't think that will ever look not weird]

Paris Whitney [Whitney?] Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. [We know, she's rich and spoiled. Not the best thing to point out while attempting to get her sympathy] She provides hope for young people [suffering from herpes] all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty [HAHAHAHA!!] and excitement [HAHAHAHAHAHA! ] to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives [Speak for yourself muthafucka, I have a can of baked beans, a donkey, and a bottle of lube waiting for me in the other room].

Hilton is notable for her leading roles on the FOX reality series The Simple Life and in the remake of the Vincent Price horror classic "House of Wax" [in which the only part worth watching was when she got a SPIKE THROUGH HER HEAD!] Paris is known best for her role as "Paris" in One Night in Paris, as "screaming drunk racist" in Paris Exposed, and as "Brandon Davis's laughing hyena" in Firecrotch. In addition to her work as an actress [HAHAHAHAHA!], she has achieved some recognition as a model [HAHAHAHAHAHA--STOP PLEASE, YOU'RE KILLING ME!], celebrity spokesperson [I'll give her that one: Sidekick, Valtrex], singer [HAHAHAHAHA!!!!], and writer [Ok. Now? I seriously wet myself]

As most of America now knows, Ms. Hilton was just charged in a Los Angeles court with DUI and sentenced to 45 days in Century Regional Detention Facility in California beginning on or before June 5, 2007. [We do know and most of us are laughing and/or celebrating]

We, the American public who support Paris [My guess "we" is: Joshua, Perez Hilton, Nicole, and Nicky. Unfortunately Greek shipping heirs don't count since they aren't American] , are shocked [nope], dismayed [nope] and appalled [hellllllno] by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong [Well, THESE GUYS needed a rest]. We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges. [Who does?] Paris should have been sober. [No shit] But she shouldn't go to jail, either.[Yes, she should]

As depicted on Friday night's episode "Nancy Grace" on Headline News (May 4, 2007), countless celebrities have been "slapped on the wrist" for similar incidents recently. Nick [Mugshot] Nolte, Mel [Hates Jews] Gibson, Tracy [Who?] Morgan, Wynonna [Hi, I married pedophile so fuck you! I've been through enough!] Judd , to name a few, were arrested and never did a day in jail after their initial arrests for drunk driving /DUI /DWI charges. Rappers Busta Rhymes and Eve still walk free after both being arrested for the same charges as Ms. Hilton just this past week. [BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T BEEN SENTENCED YET ASSHAT!]Brandy's California Highway accident, although no proof of DUI [Ok, so ....this relates how?]was evidenced in her accident, resulting in the death of a young wife and mother in California, yet Brandy walks free as of today, never doing any time and A WOMAN HAS BEEN KILLED [As well as your point just was a moment ago] most likely due to her reckless driving!

Yet, Paris Hilton did not hurt [Um, STD'S], injure [STD's], or kill anyone [Do we have proof of that? I find it hard to believe that her album isn't responsible for at least a couple suicides] or anything ["anything?"], and yet she must do jail time. [Yup, that's what the JUDGE said!]

This petition is to ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon Paris Hilton for her mistake. Please allow her to her return to her career [?] and life. Everyone makes mistakes [Just ask Susan Smith!]. She didn't hurt or kill anyone [again, questionable.], and she has learned her lesson [Obviously not. She was caught driving TWICE. Or does she really, really mean it this time?]. She is sincere, apologetic, and full of regret for her actions as she explained tearfully to the Judge handling her case in court yesterday. [Nice try bitch] She is distraught and understandably afraid.

WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT [While you need a grip] to save our [She's ours?]Paris from ending up at the Century Regional Detention Facility! Please sign to tell The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of the State of California, to think about the welfare of this young woman who has made a mortal error [You mean she's human?] and deserves a second chance like so many others in our great nation have been served with after a mistake they have made . If the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), [Yeah, compare her to Watergate--that's a fantastic idea! I've decided about here that this guy isn't for real] we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect The Governor will understand [He barely understands English] and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton.