When wrestlers make movies

Earlier today, I posted about the upcoming awesome tough-guy movie, The Expendables, and I mentioned that the cast should include more wrestlers in it. How funny that on the very same day, I came across this trailer for an upcoming (most likely straight-to-DVD) thriller called End Game (no, not that one, that's a whole nother thing) that made me maybe want to rethink my earlier statement.

End Game stars the amazing roided-out crazy bitch and Olympic gold-medalist, Kurt Angle, as a crazy psychopathic serial killer. Wait, it gets better! The film also stars Jenna Morasca of Survivor and Playboy fame (and now appearing along with Kurt on TNA aka: the poor man's WWE). She plays, wait for it, a stripper! This is actually a real movie. And not a porn (obviously, those have much better acting.). I especially love the clown getup (Doink!). Try to get through it without laughing (or chanting "YOU SUCK!")



All I can say is, John Cena's gotta feel a whole lot better about 12 Rounds after checking out this trailer.

Hulk Hogan is even more delusional than we thought

Hulk Hogan recently told the Los Angeles Times that he was sent the script for the lead character in The Wrestler but passed on the movie.

He went on to say, "I don't think the public could have handled it, though. Just made me realize after seeing the movie with Mickey Rourke that if someone does the real Hulk Hogan movie, you better hang on for the ride, brother."

He continued, "[The movie] Made me realize how shock value - that just the drop of reality - can have an effect on the public. It was wrestling light. Very light version of wrestling."

If that wasn't enough, Hogan, then went on to give advice to Mickey Rourke on appearing at Wrestlemania (which after last night's episode of Monday Night Raw, looks like it is going to happen.)

Hulk said, "You don't want to jade your performance or have the Hollywood community look at you like, 'you sold out."

(I'll pause while everyone laughs over the idea of Hulk Hogan giving advice on not selling out.)

He went on to say that it was because he continued wrestling that he was never accepted by the Hollywood community and never able to become a legitimate movie star like Dwayne "Don't call me 'The Rock' " Johnson.

Yeah, that's why. Not because of dookie like this:



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WWE gets another "Punk"

Even though the deal with Mickey Rourke appearing at Wrestlemania fell through, the WWE is still getting an Oscar nominee to appear on their programming. Ok, that's not true. But they are getting an Oscar winner's fiancee to appear on their programming.

David Otunga, aka Soon-To-Be-Mr.-Jennifer-Hudson, aka "Punk" from I Love New York 2 has signed a developmental contract with the company. He will be training at the Florida Championship Wrestling facility in Tampa.

Speaking of I Love New York, a while back there were rumors that New York herself, the lovely Tiffany Pollard was also in talks with the WWE. That still has not been confirmed. Oh please let this be true, she is perfect for the WWE! I could just picture her in a feud with Vickie Guerrero. "Excuse me!" "No, excuse ME!" "No, excuse ME bitch!" And then the Boogeyman could show up and stuff worms down both their big mouths!

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Also, while I'm on a wrestling post, I'd just like to say welcome back to my boy Christian who made his WWE return on ECW Tuesday night!!!





God, I missed that smirk! (although not enough to watch TNA)

Mickey out of Wrestlemania (for now)

Mickey Rourke's spokeswoman Paula Woods announced yesterday that Rourke will not wrestle WWE superstar Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania 25 as previously announced.

Woods wrote in an email: "Mickey was very honoured to be asked as he has the greatest respect for WWE however he will not be participating in Wrestlemania. He is focusing entirely on his acting career."

Sounds like someone's fearing a Norbit-like reaction from the voting Academy to Mickey's appearance at at the event.

Seems they forgot to tell Chris Jericho though, who appeared with Mickey on Larry King Live in-character taunting him for their match.



Of course, this could all be a huge work and Mickey may appear at Wrestlemania after all---once the voting for the Oscars has closed. Who knows? I just want to see him win the Oscar.

Poor Jericho, a lot of non-wrestling fans will probably think he was for real and that he's really that much of an asshole.


Also backpedaling, and may I say rather harshly, is Evan Rachel Wood, who denied that she made out with Mickey after the SAG awards.

Evan told Rolling Stone: "I'm upset because I feel disrespected by the press and by Mr. Rourke. Just because I'm single doesn't mean that you can take advantage of me. It's unfair that the performances might suffer because of all of these distractions."

Just so everyone was clear, Evan added, "I'm not attracted to him, he's too old for me. Nothing ever happened and nothing ever will."

OUCH! Low blow!


Hey Evan, you do realize people believe that rumor mostly because you dated Marilyn Manson, right? And how old was he again??

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UPDATE 1/30 - Vince McMahon has issued a statement to E! Online saying that Rourke will appear at Wrestlemania: "I am pleased that Mickey Rourke will be in attendance at WrestleMania to support the WWE Superstars who support him and the film in which he stars, The Wrestler. "
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You disappoint me Mickey

Of all the big award season movies, my favorite has been The Wrestler. (See it, now!) Everyone knows the story by now: big wrestling star from the 80's-- twenty years later: broken down body, broken family, and just plain broke. It was a very real and beautifully tragic character-driven film and Mickey Rourke was absolute perfection in the role.

Part of what made the movie so great was the way it showed how the (without actually naming names) wrestling industry chews up and spits out it's "products." How for every Hulk Hogan and Steve Austin, there's dozens of "Randy's": addicted to painkilers, wrestling at the local high school, and bagging groceries for minimum wage.

So of course, when WWE chairman Vince McMahon first heard about the film, he requested a private screening. Director Darren Aronofsky never revealed what Vince exactly said, but a source close to McMahon was quoted as saying "the word 'negative' isn't strong enough to describe Vince's reaction. [This is] no surprise because Vince's vision of the 2008 image of wrestling and even fading stars directly contradicts what The Wrestler accurately portrays." SOURCE

Since then, the film has received tons of critical acclaim and Mickey won a Golden Globe and has been nominated for an Oscar.

And it seems Vince has now changed his tune. He recently publicly praised the movie and there is even a feature about it on the WWE website where past and present wrestlers talk about the film. Well you know what he likes to say, "It's all about the mon-ey." As well as publicity.

Now he's even managed to get Mickey Rourke to sign on to appear at this year's Wrestlemania in a feud with Chris Jericho. Mickey hinted at it at the SAG Awards last Sunday and last night Chris cut a promo against Mickey on "RAW":



The whole thing troubles me. And I'm a wrestling fan! It's just weird. It would be like Kate Winslet publicly endorsing illiteracy and Nazi's.

I can't fault Mickey too much though. He's riding a huge career high and he knows how those things go up and down so he's taking everything that's coming his way lately (including the Iron Man sequel), but I don't know, it just doesn't seem right.

Another thing that just doesn't seem right? He's reportedly messing around with Evan Rachel Wood. Now again, you can't fault the dude too much. This is another example of things coming his way that wouldn't usually (and she does likes the freaks, you know). But she plays his freaking DAUGHTER and it's gonna kind of ruin that whole awesome scene for me a little bit now.

Not to mention, what is The Academy going to think of all this stuff? Sean Penn better start writing his speech.



In related news, Meryl Streep was recently spotted making out with the kid from Doubt and will face Beth Phoenix at Wrestlemania 25.

"I'll show you who the real Glamazon is!"

American Music Awards

Last night were the American Music Awards. I don't normally watch them, but there was apparently a rumor that our leader would finally be appearing before us and it seemed like an actual possibility. So I armed myself with a bottle of Merlot and decided to watch it instead of my other television option, WWE Survivor Series (which I figured would suck since the most awesome wrestler ever, my beloved Edge, has been gone for the past three months).

Although throughout the night, host Jimmy Kimmel made references to a "surprise guest," it wasn't Mr. Rose. We did get braids, but they belonged to Alicia Keys, who closed the show performing with Queen Latifah as special guest #1 (some "surprise", they kept showing her in the audience!) and some opera singer.



Though that was a letdown, it was nice to see somebody actually singing and playing an instrument instead of singing three lines and dancing to backup singers/taped vocals because that's what the show mainly consisted of.

Even Christina followed the theme of the evening with her opening number:


I will admit though, every time I see Beyonce do this performance it memorizes me and I sit and watch the entire thing:


Then I go on YouTube and watch other people do it. Then I watch the original routine that was the inspiration. Then I do it in front of my bathroom mirror. Then I shoot myself.

Speaking of suicidal (or is that homicidal):


Seriously sweetie, no man is worth that, let alone a Jonas brother. And why no reaction shot? They weren't afraid to get one after every recycled Russell Brand joke Jimmy Kimmel attempted:



So then Kanye said he wanted to be Elvis:


And this was the result:


Here's Scott Weiland introducing Pink who will be performing a song called "Sober." Oh the irony:


And Pink rocked that shit:



The most awesome person in the world, David Cook gets stuck doing the pre-show and then got cut for a commercial:


But they had enough time for this garbage:

Can those other girls even sing?

IT'S MILEY!



Didn't get it then:

Crotchgrabs? Ewww.

And don't get it now:

Thank god for alcohol.

Meanwhile, on Survivor Series:


Yup.

ASSHAT OF THE WEEK!

Hulk Hogan went on Larry King Live attempting to do some damage control for his trainwreck of a family and ended up making it worse. Hulk said that Nick's accident was meant to happen by God to make Nick and John Graziano "better people."

Uh, I'm no doctor or theologist, but I would think that not being paralyzed is better than being paralyzed (like John is). Isn't there a story in the Bible about how Jesus healed a man that couldn't walk? So, that would lead me to believe that God prefers the opposite of Hulk said.

Hulk also said that everything happens for a reason and that it is in God's hands.

On a related note, God responded to Hulk's comments saying "Leave me out of this brother."

The magic of live TV

Last night on WWE Raw, Vince McMahon began his Million Dollar Mania giveaway,where every Monday night during the live broadcast he will randomly call people that registered on wwe.com and give them various amounts of cash totaling one million dollars.

The very first winner had one of those callback tones where instead of ringing, you hear music. And he had the best song ever!



This just may have been the first live televised RickRoll! Now, I would say it was staged, but WWE writers aren't that creative and Vince McMahon is not that good of an actor. Check out the awesome look of confusion on his face! And then? He HANGS UP on the guy! So then he tries to call the number again. And the song plays again while the commentators are yelling "PICK UP THE PHONE YOU IDIOT!" The guy finally answers and wins $200,000.00!

Which brings me to a rant about all of last night's winners. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU ASSHATS? Every single one of them sounded like they were on Prozac, all level and mellow.. Are you kidding me? They were like "Hello?" (like they don't know who's calling), and then when Vince told them they won thousands of dollars, they're like "wow...uh...thanks?" ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Meanwhile, me and millions of other people are sitting there with our fingers crossed and with Rick Astley all cued up to go so it will play in the background when we answer, praying the phone will ring and we'll finally be able to pay for gas and food in the same week.

But I guess not being called is better than being called, winning $2.00 and then having to watch the next person win $200,000.00 (3:15):



At least they got to hear Jillian's beautiful voice.

Low ratings? Pay people to watch!

This past Monday Vince McMahon announced on WWE Raw that beginning next week he would give away one million dollars to viewers during the live program every Monday. He even more or less said it was a desperate attempt to try to gain more viewers. Hey, at least he's honest! To register, go to http://www.wwe.com/shows/raw/mania/

Vince referred to the money as "his own" but it turns out he's giving away the rest of the "Hulk Hogan Special Appearance Account" now that Hulk's family is such a hot mess the WWE is afraid they'll bring down the class level. Ok, that's speculation.

Umaga for President!

That's all I have to say about WWE's Hillary vs. Obama wrestling match last night. Thank you Umaga! Bill was awesome though: "I did not have illegal contact with that candidate." I will also say that it's cool they got Will Smith to play Obama-his Rock impersonation wasn't bad.

In something I thought we'd never see though, the real Hillary, Obama, and John McCain actually did appear on Raw last night to read awkward wrestling cliche-riddled campaign speeches in an effort to pick up some votes. This is a strange, strange time. Remember when Bill Clinton was the only candidate to appear on MTV? Now it's normal to hit American Idol, SNL, and the WWE on the campaign trail.

Next week, be sure to watch Flavor of Love to see the Presidential candidates compete for your vote. "Just like Pumkin, I'll spit in the face of terrorists."

This is gonna suck!

Remember when they did the Donald Trump vs. Rosie match? I'm guessing this is gonna be just as bad. Unless they got the writers from Celebrity Deathmatch.

Maybe Shelton Benjamin will play Obama and he'll finally win a match! And they're missing a huge opportunity if they don't get a Bill impersonator and bring out the Godfather and his ho-train!

Whatyougonnado Linda?

Here's a picture of Hulk Hogan and his new girlfriend that looks like a hybrid of Linda (above) and Brooke (below-yes, she has teeth). Her name is Jennifer McDaniel and the two reportedly met around the first of the year. No word on how old she is.

A source told PEOPLE, "He's very happy. He just seems very happy. His mood has changed. He's in a better place."

Speaking of Brooke, there's been talk that the new season of Hogan Knows Best (yup, they're keeping it on) will solely feature Brooke and revolve around her quest for a singing career. Oh goody, can't wait for that! If I were Brooke, I would totally use this opportunity to skank it up and see how much I could embarrass my father.

Who got it worse?

George Bush throwing out the first pitch at the Nationals home opener game?:




Or John Cena at the WWE Hall of Fame Ceremony?:

Annual Self-Indulgent Wrestlemania Comments

So Angelina and Brad may or may not have gotten married this weekend. WHO GIVES A CRAP? Yesterday was WRESTLEMANIA!!!



I have to say this was probably the best one in a long time. Most of the matches were great, the highlight of the night being the emotional Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels match (shut up, so what if I cried when HBK said "I'm sorry, I love you.") I was really surprised to see Orton keep the WWE title. All in all a really good night. Highlights are above for anyone that cares.

Of course, there were a couple of exceptions:



Ok, WHAT THE FUCK DID THEY NEED THIS BITCH FOR? She came out and announced the attendance. Yup, that's all she did. Oh, and Mr. Kennedy yelled in her face--that was pretty cool. Too bad the Boogeyman (is he even still in the WWE?)didn't feed her any worms since the she's bitching to PEOPLE about not being able to eat healthy. That's So Raven was there too, but I'm not going to pick on her because she was making sick children's dreams come true or some shit like that.




The Bunnymania match. The only good part was when the lights went out (7:22). I think God was trying to tell the WWE something. And what the hell was the reason for that kiss between Snoop Dog and Maria?



Here's the much hyped Floyd Mayweather vs. Big Show match. I wonder if ESPN realizes rasslin's fake?

And yes, Undertaker beat my boyfriend for the Heavyweight Title. We all knew it was gonna happen. Hell of a match though.


Unfortunately, the WWE is never far from scandal and during the grand finale fireworks display, there was a malfunction and over 40 fans were injured when fireworks and cables landed on the crowd. Fortunately though while many were burned, no one was seriously injured.

On the malfunction, Gene Snitsky has released a statement exclusively to Asshat Hollywood: "It wasn't my fault."

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But is the star fake?

The man that brought us hand births, fun with the mentally handicapped, stereotype bashing, live sex celebrations, terrorist humor, making it ok to laugh at midgets, and of course, the Creme de la Creme (Don't. Trust me, you really don't wanna do that.) was finally honored with his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame last Friday. Congrats Vince!

Vince accepted the honor in his "Mr. McMahon" character saying, “I already know I’m a star. I’m the biggest star of all time.”

Sadly there was no one with signs (not even that guy), no wrestlers interrupted his speech and beat him up after a handshake fake-out, there weren't any painfully obvious chicken/"cock" jokes, and no chants from the crowd(not even a "Cena Sucks!").

The WWE's all-time biggest star, Hulk Hogan, did not attend the ceremony. His daughter Brooke, however, was later seen strolling down Hollywood Boulevard.

Scratch that, it wasn't Brooke, it was a tranny hooker...My bad.

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Snoop don't like Oprah no more!

Snoop Dogg has shot back at the Queen of the World, Oprah Winfrey after she called him a misogynist.

This all started last year when Oprah called out Snoop for perpetuating a negative image of women through hip-hop on her show. Snoop felt she should have invited him on her show to give him the opportunity to defend himself.

The always eloquent Snoop said, "I don't like her no more. I really was offended, because I kind of like her. Liked her. I'm very articulate, very intellectual. She didn't even get a chance to even know me."

That quote gets funnier every time you read it.

Snoop added that his misogynisting days are over, know what I'm sayin? He said his new work "is for the women" and that he wants to " give the ladies something, because I've been so mean and so rude."

To start on his quest of feminism, Snoop will serve as the master of ceremonies for the "BunnyMania Lumberjack Match" at this year's Wrestlemania. In the match, four scantily clad women (two of which are Playboy Playmates) roll around the floor with each other while other scantily clad women surround the ring. Take that Oprah!!!

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20 MILLION DOLLARS??!!!

Boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr. will reportedly receive $20 Million Dollars to fight Big Show at Wrestlemania 24 on March 30th!!

Damn, for 20 Mil, I'd have a 3-way with Snitsky and Hornswoggle!! Ok, maybe I'd do it for $50.

He apparently has no problem sharing the wealth. Check out the video from yesterday's Wrestlemania press conference. He looks legitimately pissed when the crowd starts chanting "De La Hoya!"

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Is nothing sacred? Part 2

Ok, first she attempts to imitate Marilyn, now she's invading my beloved pro-rasslin? That's where I draw the line! Where's the Boogeyman? She needs some worms shoved down her throat!

Aw shit, she was there with the Sunshine Foundation helping children (that's NOT one of them on the left by the way)?

I don't care. Move away from the WWE Lohan, it's too classy for you!

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No Chyna? No Maksim?

The cast of the next season of Dancing With the Staa--uh, Stars was announced yesterday.

Everyone who was afraid that Steve Guttenberg had been kidnapped by aliens can breathe a big sigh of relief!

Everyone who was afraid that Shannon Elizabeth hadn't been kidnapped by aliens--well, you're out of luck there.

Here are the match-ups:

Olympic Gold Medal skater Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark Ballas
Actress Priscilla Presley and Louis van Amstel
NFL star Jason Taylor and Edyta Sliwinska
Actor Cristian de la Fuente and Cheryl Burke
R&B singer Mario and Karina Smirnoff
Oscar-Award-winning actress Marlee Matlin and Fabian Sanchez
Illusionist Penn Jillette and Kym Johnson
TV and Radio Personality Adam Carolla and Julianne Hough
Actress Shannon Elizabeth and Derek Hough
Actress Marissa Jaret Winokur and Tony Dovolani
Former Tennis Champ Monica Seles and Jonathan Roberts
Actor Steve Guttenberg and Anna Trebunskaya

Marlee Matlin? She's deaf!--take that Heather Mills!

And:

Let's Go Guttenberg!!!

Speaking of DWTS vets, boxer Floyd Mayweather may not have done so well on the dance floor, but he may be better in the ring. Not the boxing ring, the wrestling ring! On Sunday night's WWE No Way Out pay-per-view, Floyd interrupted Big Show's return and the two got into an altercation. While that was planned, Big Show's broken nose wasn't. The two met up again on last night's live Raw broadcast and accepted Big Show's challenge to a match which will take place at Wrestlemania.




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Hey Cena - Eminem wants his gimmick back

First there was John Cena, then Kevin Federline, now another white rapper may be getting in the WWE ring. No, not Vanilla Ice (although that would be AWESOME!) I'm talking about Slim Shady himself, Eminem.

Mediatakeout.com reported today that a "well known member of Eminem's inner circle" told them that Em has signed with World Wrestling Entertainment.

You may remember some photos of a not-so-slim Shady the surfaced recently, but the insider said, "Eminem's in training right now, he's taking private [wrestling] lessons and working on strength training ...All those reports of him being fat are crazy. He's 210 pounds of solid muscle." The source added "He's not doing this as a joke either, he's really committed to being a wrestler. Wait and see, he's going to be flipping [other wrestlers] and doing all that crazy [EXPLETIVE]."

If this insider is for real, expect Em to make his debut in 3 to 4 months.

All I have to say about this is: PLEASE let him get into a rap duel with Santino Marella!

UPDATE- Eminem's rep has denied this.