I'm inspired to jump off a bridge

Sorry, but this week everybody just really pissed me off (they're all probably cranky and sleep deprived from IDOL GIVES BACK week. Charity is hard--unless of course you're Saint Angelina.) So this week, I'm just gonna explain why each one pissed me off.

MICHAEL JOHNS PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:


Can you guess the first reason?? Perhaps Michael didn't get my memo last week to LOSE THE FUCKING ASCOT!!! It's like "fetch," you're not gonna make it happen. Only one person in the history of the world has been able to make the ascot happen- Freddie Jones from Scooby Doo, and you are no Freddie Jones, so cut the shit. And burn the rest of that stupid waiter outfit while you're at it. Yeah, just perform naked. That would work.

Anyway, he did ok, but the end where he tried to do the Steven Tyler screech wasn't so good. And sorry to be nitpicky, but he totally missed one of the "Dream On's". I mean even Ace Young got that part right and he even added a little King Diamond spin on it!

So then Randy totally snaps and out of nowhere gives Michael a hard time about his song choice because "American Idol is not about dreams coming true!" (?)

Next up, to sing a song about dreams coming true written specifically for American Idol Season 3 winner Fantasia was Syesha. And..

SYESHA PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:


The judges criticized her for attempting Whitney last week. So what does she do? She attempts another singer--a former American Idol winner who the judges, especially Simon, LOVE (even with that Lifetime movie!)and top it off with a little Mariah dogwhistle impression. Dumb, dumb, dumb!! She'll be going home this week because of her stupid song choice.

Speaking of song choice:


KRISTY LEE COOK PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:


She always picks the perfect songs (well after the '8 Days a Week' debacle, that is) and even though I want to hate her, I'm forced to respect her for her cunning. And she sang it very well. Good job! And Fuck you Kristy!!

DAVID ARCHULETTA PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:


Well, when doesn't he? Although the fucking telethon vibe I get every week actually works well here since it's Inspirational Songs That David's Dad Likes week. Yawn, and I bet that piano ain't mic'd.

JASON CASTRO PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:


I thought Tiny Tim came back to life, but it was just Jason. I actually liked it, so I'm pissed off about that too.

BROOKE WHITE PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:


This song went on for 22 minutes! And it's uncomfortable to watch her because she looks like she's about to crack and go psycho any minute. Like in Carrie: Good, nice girl freaking loses it one day and kills everybody with telekinesis.

Oh shit! Carrie's last name was White too. Hey Brooke, start with David's dad!! Then Seacrest!


CARLY SMITHSON PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:


She didn't listen to Simon about her clothes. Yeah, he said she looked better--but that doesn't mean she looked good. Is that a leotard under jeans? Song was ok, I guess. And it makes me think of Moulin Rouge which is always nice. But I'm still back to not caring.

And finally, and it hurts to have to do this but it pissed me off more than anything else...

DAVID COOK PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:


The jacket. The weird low notes at the beginning. The pointy pose. The walking through the crowd. The singing to the judges. The fucking "GIVE BACK" on his hand (I think that was the worst part)!!!! Stop it! Stop it!! Stop it!!!

Shit Cook, you had me, why'd you have to go and do that?

GIVE BACK the David I love!


And speaking of giving back, can somebody please give Paula's boobies back the rest of the fabric on the top of her dress???

And it's not David Lee Roth's fault!

Is theVan Halen tour over?

TMZ reports that hotel arrangements for the band for the remaining dates of their tour are being canceled right this minute after the tour, which was scheduled to end April 19th, has been canceled.

Sources say that the reason is Eddie Van Halen and that he is having "issues" and has been performing "atrociously" in recent concerts.

Obligatory photo:

He's probably started drinking again after Valerie started airing all their dirty laundry in a lame attempt to get people interested in her stupid book instead of just eating her Jenny Craig dinners and making Lifetime movies. Damn you Valerie!

Today's Music is Shit: Exhibit A

I saw this video this morning and was like: are you fucking kidding me? Really, does anyone truly like this shit? Let me rephrase that, does anyone truly like this shit when they're sober cause I could already picture some drunk underdressed skank doing that awful doggystyle buttbounce move in the club while lipsynching "I got it from my mama." (Sorry if I made you puke.)

Note to will.i.am - Market this song to Jerry Springer for when the toothless trailer trash freaks cheat on their girlfriends with their 400 pound mamas.

Ok, I've given this waaayy too much thought.

You have got to be fucking kidding me! You know she blew somebody!

FROM PAGE SIX:
' May 17, 2007 -- Paris Hilton's pals tried to get her sentence thrown out completely. That didn't work, but the heir-head will serve only 23 days of her 45-day jail sentence in a "special needs housing unit."

The sentence reduction is the result of credit for "good behavior," said L.A. County sherrif spokesman Steve Whitmore. Good behavior, according to the sherrifs office, is showing up for one's scheduled court date. However, most perps don't get amnesty for showing up in court when required.

Hilton's luxe accomodations are in a 2,200-inmate facility where police officers, public officials, celebrities and other high-profile clientele reside when they've behaved badly.

The celebutard will be separated from the general inmate population and gets an hour outside of her cell to bathe, watch television and talk on the phone, said Whitmore.

Hilton was sentenced to jail for violating the terms of her probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case. A judge ordered her to report to jail by June 5.

A call to her lawyer, DUI specialist Richard Hutton, was not immediately returned. Hilton's flack, Elliot Mintz, declined to comment. '


Showing up to your court date is good behavior? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO! ("I take care of my kids!") If you don't show up they send Dog after you.

This really sucks. It sends the message that the rich and privileged are above the law.

Maybe it was the pizza deliveryman

Penn Wants Bush Impeached ... But Hang On Just A Sec, Wouldja?

Sean Penn railed against President Bush and Vice President Cheney last night in New York and even called for their impeachment – but he first had to take a phone call while at the podium.

As FOX News reports, the Oscar-winning actor was honored with the Christopher Reeve First Amendment Award from the Creative Coalition, and even though his message was a fervent, stern one, he couldn't quite get on track because his cell phone kept ringing. Penn decided he had to answer the call. Still, once he got going, he went there: "If we attempt to impeach for lying about a [certain oral sex act], yet accept these almost certain abuses without challenge, we become a [human] stain on the flag we wave," said Penn.

SOURCE

He is so humorless he totally missed out on a perfect set-up for a Lewinsky joke. Where did you go Jeff Spicoli?