Sorry John, Barbara called

TMZ reports that Tom Cruise is not attending his "friend" John Travolta's son's funeral today in Florida because he is in New York City taping an appearance on "The View."

Wow, for two people that are supposed to be friends, that's pretty unforgivable.

Even more unforgivable? Stalking someone's child's funeral like it's a goddamn movie premiere. Yeah, you TMZ!

Tom and Matt Part 2: Less Glib, More Boring

In order to get people to pay money to see his new movie, Valkyrie, Tom Cruise is in the middle of a desperate attempt to convince the public that he is not a crazyfuck. This morning to returned to the Today Show to make nice with Matt Lauer after Glibgate '04 (Holy crap, that was almost FIVE years ago?!!)

In the clip above, Tom says he came across as "arrogant" and said that he learned a lesson from the incident. Then he and Matt Lauer made out. Then a giant meteor crushed all the waving morons.

Katie's Big Night!!

Katie Holmes made her Broadway debut last night in the Arthur Miller play, All My Sons to rave reviews!!! Well, I mean she "didn't embarrass herself".

Many fans showed up to cheer Katie on!




And look! Tom isn't dead!!! (Apparently there was a rumor going around yesterday of a rumor that Tom had fallen off a cliff. And I say a "rumor of a rumor', because no one actually heard a rumor that Tom had fallen off a cliff. Got that?)

So in love those two!!

EVER WANTED TO SMOKE TOM CRUISE?!

Ut oh, here comes another Cruise lawsuit!! This time Tom's got his lawyers looking into a new strain of medical marijuana which is being marketed as "Tom Cruise Purple." The vials also feature a picture of Tom doing his psycho laugh (see above). The pot is sold at licensed cannabis clubs in Northern California -----WHAT? There are licensed cannabis clubs in Northern California??? Hang on, I gotta open a new tab...www.expedia.com......

Ok, I'm back. So staffers at the clinics in California have been forbidden to discuss their "inventory" with the press but one source said, "I heard it's the kind of pot that makes you hallucinate."

OMG, how awesome would it be if they remade Reefer Madness (though the musical kicked ass!) with Tom Cruise as Ralph?? He's got the laugh already! PLAY FASTER!!!!



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Ut Oh, Somebody's gonna get sued!

The above photo surfaced today of what looks to be Little Tommy Cruise engaged in some weird kind of magnetic sex/Scientology game with an unnamed Asian man. And they appear to be emerging from a closet!! The photo, which was mysteriously leaked to the media was found to be traced back to a message board for ex-Scientology members.

Too bad Katie can't run, he can just pull her right back with that giant magnet. You know, since she's a robot and all.

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Creepy

Didja ever notice, in like every single picture of Tom and Katie, he's got that weird kung-fu grip around her wrist?

I'm sure she deserved it though, she was probably disobeying him again.

This is a photo of:

A. Jada, Will, Tom, and Katie at the First Annual Essence Black Women in Hollywood Luncheon last night.

B. Jada, Will, Tom, and Katie having the unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks lunch special at The Olive Garden.

C. Jada,Will, Tom, and Katie preparing to EAT YOUR SOUL!!!!!

PIC

Seperated at Birth?

"I had long hair for a while. Almost down to my waist but I wanted to go back to my Tom Cruise cut. I told my hairdresser to shave the back and leave the front long. Then someone thought I was Tom from the back. I guess I'd better wear heels." - Selma Blair on often being mistaken for Little Tommy Cruise

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"LEAVE TOM CRUISE ALOONNEE!"

Everyone's picking on Crazy Little Tommy Cruise so Adam Sandler has spoken out on his defense. He told PEOPLE, "To see anyone's private life invaded and mocked like this is sickening. It's especially gross when it happens to a guy like Cruise, who's a great dad, a great husband, and a great friend."

And Adam's not the only star speaking on Tom's behalf.

Dustin Hoffman said,"Tom Cruise is an American and has the right to freedom of speech and freedom of religion."

Washington Redskins owner, Dan Snyder (who has a financing deal with Cruise/Wagner Productions) said,"Tom is a winner. That's a fact. He is a terrific actor, a terrific father and a terrific person. I'm proud to be his friend."

Other celebrities that defend Tom in this week's issue of PEOPLE include Bruce Willis, Demi Moore, Jim Carrey, Ben Stiller, Jerry O'Connell, and Harvey Weinstein. (Made you look twice, didn't I?)

He so sent these people coupons for free stress tests and brainwashed them at the Center because that's easier than growing a damn set.

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Jerry O'Connell Rules

To lighten the mood a bit, check out this awesome parody of Little Tommy Cruise by Jerry O'Connell. Jerry's got Tommy downpat, right to the maniacal laugh (to which he cleverly added a bit of Krusty the Klown to to make it even more menacing!) The edits and the laser beam sound effects add to the awesomeness!

Jerry and Seth Green need to get together and start a sketch comedy show. That would rule.

Enjoy!

(Thanks Goldil!)