Speidi to make it official on Saturday

Speaking of douchebags, the two talentless attention-whoring ones known as Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt will reportedly marry for real this time this Saturday. No word on whether Spencer's creepy-flesh-colored beard will be the best man.

According to UsMagazine.com, it will be a sunset ceremony taking place at the Westminster Presbyterian Church in Pasadena.

So anyone in Pasadena, please feel free to show up to congratulate the happy couple by throwing rice at them.

Bags of rice.

The big ones.



You could get them at Costco.

SOURCE

The Latest Member of the "I'm a size 2" Club is..........

Kim Kardashian posted a message on her blog taking offense to the store Forever 21 referring to her as a "fuller-sized woman" while introducing their new line of plus-size clothing. Only, they never actually called her anything other than a "fan" of the store.



Kim wrote:

I am a huge fan of Forever 21 and I'm very happy they have expanded their line to include a plus-size range, but I am not in that size category and this article makes it sound like I am! I am a curvy girl and I love my curves, but curvy and plus-sized are two very different things. I work really hard to maintain my curves while staying slim and healthy, so to be classed as a "fuller-figured woman" of extra large proportions is a little offensive.

For the record, I am a size 2, not 2XL.

HAAAAAAAAA!! Can't. Stop. Laughing! Size 2! I love it! Even Kim's "fans" aren't buying that shit:

April 21, 2009 7:19 AM
blondedmbfan15 says: | Reply

I’m Sorry Kim but maybe you wore a size 2 when you were ten but any women knows that with an ass and thighs like yours you wear a much bigger size. Also maybe you need to take some college courses or high school for that matter; all the article said was that you were a fan of the store not the damn plus size line.


April 21, 2009 5:51 AM
tqgucci says: | Reply

I think you need to go to try on a size 2 in case you forgot what a size 2 is, you are NOT a size 2. Sorry but that's the truth.



April 21, 2009 5:02 AM
badeiah11 says: | Reply

YOU ARE A SHALLOW BITCH*ONCE AGAIN YOU OFFEND YOUR FANS!!! BUT THIS TOPPED IT! ALL US CURVY WOMAN LOOKED UP TO YOU!!! AND NOW WE SEE YOUR TRUE COLORS!!**ITS REAL MESSED UP THAT YOU WON'T TAKE TIME OUT OF YOUR DAY TO ADDRESS THIS! We FANS DESERVE AN APOLOGY

kareno8 says: | Reply

My sister and I used to be fans, but no longer.
You are NOT a size 2. I am 105 pounds and 5 feet and I AM A SIZE 2.
You're not even a size 4 or a size 6. We saw your cellulite get blasted off on TV!


April 21, 2009 2:18 AM
kareno8 says: | Reply

we are still laughing at how you say you are a size 2. Also, some plus sized women still work hard to stay slim and healthy. losing weight is a struggle for many because not all have the same metabolism, genes, or cosmetic surgeons (kim).


April 20, 2009 9:03 PM
shaydiva says: | Reply

ONE OF UR THIGHS IS A SIZE 2


April 20, 2009 9:33 PM
bechiiik said to: shaydiva | Reply

No but what you can do is put a rope around your neck, tie the rope to your roof, get on a chair and then let you fall from it :)


April 20, 2009 11:33 PM
shaydiva says: | Reply

I AM A SIZE 2XL AND I DNT HAVE HALF OF THE CELLULITE AND STRECH MARKS THAT U AT A SIZE 2 HAVE! LMAO!


April 21, 2009 3:28 AM
M. says: | Reply

Kim, I know you're not 2 smart, but now I see that you just might be "Dumb and Dumber" built into 1! The US article states that you are a fan of Forever 21, not the plus size Faith line. You clearly lack reading comprehension skills!!!

(The last 1 is my favorite.)

I have the best idea for a game show. It can be called "So You Think You're a Size Two" where contestants like Kim, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, and any other delusional moron who has ever referred to themselves as a size two have to attempt to put on actual size two clothing in front of a studio audience (and America). Tyra Banks would host of course and any(every)one who didn't fit in the clothes would have to yell "KISS MY FAT ASS!"

In other useless bitches with the last name Kardashian news, Kim's two sisters just got their own reality show for some unknown reason.

When auto-tune attacks!

Congrats Ashlee Simpson! You no longer have the worst musical performance in Saturday Night Live history!

American Music Awards

Last night were the American Music Awards. I don't normally watch them, but there was apparently a rumor that our leader would finally be appearing before us and it seemed like an actual possibility. So I armed myself with a bottle of Merlot and decided to watch it instead of my other television option, WWE Survivor Series (which I figured would suck since the most awesome wrestler ever, my beloved Edge, has been gone for the past three months).

Although throughout the night, host Jimmy Kimmel made references to a "surprise guest," it wasn't Mr. Rose. We did get braids, but they belonged to Alicia Keys, who closed the show performing with Queen Latifah as special guest #1 (some "surprise", they kept showing her in the audience!) and some opera singer.



Though that was a letdown, it was nice to see somebody actually singing and playing an instrument instead of singing three lines and dancing to backup singers/taped vocals because that's what the show mainly consisted of.

Even Christina followed the theme of the evening with her opening number:


I will admit though, every time I see Beyonce do this performance it memorizes me and I sit and watch the entire thing:


Then I go on YouTube and watch other people do it. Then I watch the original routine that was the inspiration. Then I do it in front of my bathroom mirror. Then I shoot myself.

Speaking of suicidal (or is that homicidal):


Seriously sweetie, no man is worth that, let alone a Jonas brother. And why no reaction shot? They weren't afraid to get one after every recycled Russell Brand joke Jimmy Kimmel attempted:



So then Kanye said he wanted to be Elvis:


And this was the result:


Here's Scott Weiland introducing Pink who will be performing a song called "Sober." Oh the irony:


And Pink rocked that shit:



The most awesome person in the world, David Cook gets stuck doing the pre-show and then got cut for a commercial:


But they had enough time for this garbage:

Can those other girls even sing?

IT'S MILEY!



Didn't get it then:

Crotchgrabs? Ewww.

And don't get it now:

Thank god for alcohol.

Meanwhile, on Survivor Series:


Yup.

They're real, and they're unspectacular!

Apparently there was recently a rumor that Katy Perry had breast implants. (I didn't hear it either, but then I tend to tune out everything about this annoying bitch.)

Katy set the record straight to The Sun, "They are as real as real can be. One hundred per cent genuine and untouched... well sort of. I would never spend money on fake boobs. Shoes, maybe. A handbag, maybe. But plastic tits - no way!"

So if they were free???

SOURCE

Jessica Simpson: She's just like you!

Jessica Simpson's new career as a country star isn't going too well.

She was booed at her debut performance at the Country Thunder USA Festival in Twin Lakes, Wisconsin. She came on after Kellie Pickler, who people cheered for! That's bad.

A concertgoer, Adam Matos, 21 was quoted as saying "I just don't hear the country in her; I don't hear the twang. She's not good enough to be here."

Jessica attempted stop the boos by saying, "I don't know what your perception is of Jessica Simpson or what tabloid you buy, but I just want you to know that I'm just a girl from Texas; I'm just like you. I'm doing what I love and dating a boy."

Because the people of Wisconsin are all just girls from Texas.

Won't those Simpson sisters ever learn? When you get booed, you GO AWAY!
SOURCE

HEIDI!

Hey kids, Heidi Montag has a new song!! It's called "Fashion" (not to be confused with David Bowie's) It's a work of art, but it's Heidi so of course it is!!

The best part is the very beginning when she yells "HEIDI!" It's even better than "It's Britney Bitch!"

America's Got Talent?

Last night was the premiere of America's Got Talent a.k.a. I'm Not Talented Enough To Get On American Idol or So You Think You Can Dance.

Here's the highlights?:


What's scary is this guy looks more like Britney Spears than Britney does.



Ok, so cute it's nauseating. I seriously barfed up some rainbow puppies after watching this and it tasted sugary and delicious coming up.




The one act that actually had talent.

"It was photoshopped!!" in 3...2...1

TMZ just loves to get those pictures of Mischa Barton's cellulite. Here's a new one!

She should just embrace the cottage cheese, it's the only thing keeping her in the semi-spotlight these days. Maybe she can even get an endorsement deal with Hood.

Who the hell asked your skanky ass?

Tila Tequila recently gave Lindsay Lohan some advice on coming out via Usmagazine. "I think that the fact that everyone knows about it makes it fine. Just go all out with it! If you’re going to do something, do it all out."

Ok, so Tila, why don't you practice what you preach? Everybody knows that your stupid reality dating show is a sham and that you have a longterm boyfriend so why don't you just come out with that? And also that you are talentless famewhore skank? You know, just go all out with it!

SOURCE

Heidi to sing...for the Pope?

Heidi Montag has been invited to sing at St. Patrick's Cathedral on April 19 for a special Mass which will be attended by priests, deacons and members of religious orders. Oh yeah, also attending? Pope Benedict XVI, who will be in town visiting New York from April 18 to 20.

Heidi has reportedly been requested personally by the Pope after he heard her "hit"song, "Higher" and was rumored to have said the high notes in the song "lifted him to the heavens" and that Heidi's "angelic voice" "[was] a spiritual gift to Christians everywhere."

SOURCE

NO MORE!!! No, really, NO MORE!

There is a bright light in the darkness of the rumors of one of my favorite bands breaking up: Heid Montag's got a new single!! It's called "No More" and available to stream here on People.com .

Not as craptastic as "Higher," but then that's to be expected. I mean, that would be like trying to top "Stairway to Heaven." The song does have a wonderful mix of deep lyrics, the "pop" preset rhythm on a Casio keyboard, and that robot thing that Cher is to blame for.

I can't wait for the video!!

Poor Kim!!

Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. Her whole life she dreamed of owning a Bentley of her very own. That's all she wanted, is that so much to ask?

Well this girl never stopped believing and one day he dreams came true!! She made a sex tape and became famous and was able to get that Bentley!

Unfortunately, this story doesn't have a happy ending. The girl only got to drive the Bentley for one week and then BAM!! An evil man on a motorcycle slammed into it! Now she has to wait TWO MONTHS for it to be fixed!!!

Sadly, the horrific story above is true. And the poor big-assed girl is none other than America's treasure, Kim Kardashian.

Kim is keeping her adoring fans updated on the touch and go status of her car on her website. And great news everyone! You can leave get well wishes for her Bentley!

Since my recent car drama has been in the news, I figure I should give you the updates...

I only got to drive my new Bentley for one week when a motorcycle ran into it! It was a hit and run. :(

I've had the car for six whole months, but it had been in shop most of that time getting tricked out at Luxury Ride Motors -- where I bought it. Now my Bentley is at Platinum MotorSport on Sunset Blvd. getting repaired! They say it may take about two months.

I've been waiting my whole life for a Bentley and now this!!! I just have to laugh -- what else am I going to do!?

Wish my car a speedy recovery in the comments and also let me know how you have dealt with car drama!

To further talk about this tragedy, we are pleased to welcome to Asshat Hollywood: KIM KARDASHIAN!!!


Uh, Kim, you think you can turn around?




Seriously, are you ever going to turn around? I know it's hard to believe, but I'm tired of looking at your ass.

"But I did turn around."

Oh, so you did. My mistake. So tell me, how are you coping with this nightmare?

"I'm just so very sad, my Bentley is everything to me."

I know how painful this must be for you and your courage is inspiring. You must also be angry, I mean, the nerve of that motorcyclist taking off like that huh?! I'd be rippin'!

"I know!! He didn't even ask my Bentley if she was ok. That damn ambulance just picked him up and sped off! That fucker!!"

Ummm, hang on a second Kim. You said it was a hit and run. Is the guy ok?

"Who cares about him? MY BENTLEY!!!!!!!!WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"

Stay strong Kim, remember what you said: Laugh. That's all you can do in stressful times like this. Hey speaking of stressful times, what do you think of all the talk regarding fears of a recession in this country?

" MY BENTLEY!!!!!!!!WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"

I understand your feelings on that. After all, if everyone made a sex tape and starred in their own inane reality show, we wouldn't be in the current economic upheaval we are now. That was actually pretty profoundly insightful, Kim. But surely, you must have an opinion on the upcoming Presidential election?

" MY BENTLEY!!!!!!!!WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"

The war in Iraq?

" MY BENTLEY!!!!!!!!WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"

The AIDS crisis and poverty in Africa? Comeon, even American Idol cares about that one!

" MY BENTLEY!!!!!!!!WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"

Ok, well, thanks for stopping by Kim. I'm sure your Bentley is in everyone's thoughts and prayers.

Oh hell no!

Broadway bosses reportedly are interested in getting Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie to star in Chicago together.

Nicole has allegedly already been offered a role (no word on which one) in the show and producers are hoping they can get Paris onboard too.

A source told OK! magazine, "The producers think they will sell double the amount of tickets."

Isn't there something wrong with casting these two considering they are the exact thing Chicago is supposed to be a satire of? That fuzzy line between fame and infamy and the public's fascination with crazy and ego-obsessed bitches?

And the irony of it all, is that if this does happen, they probably will sell double the amount of tickets (I'm gonna guess mostly tourists that wouldn't normally go to a Broadway show but saw the movie and want to see Paris and Nicole in it.) therefore proving the whole point of the story!


SOURCE

Look at what you've done America!

Heidi Montag is sad that people keep making fun of her video and "singing career." And she wants everyone to see just how sad she is.

To accomplish this, Heidi arranged a photo shoot so we can all see her tears and feel her pain.

Just in case we thought she was crying about something meaningful, Heidi made sure to clutch a CD of her song "Higher":



You can tell the great love of Heidi's life, Spencer, shot these photos. He's so good with the camera, he even set it on auto to capture him consoling Heidi. Now that's love! (He totally missed an opportunity to get a shot of him wiping away her tears though.)

Somehow they will get through.


Heidi should cheer up because she and Spencer actually appear to have earned themselves a real, legit, profession: Performance Artists.

SOURCE

Heidi and Spencer forever!!

We've secretly replaced the $4.99 Asti they usually drink with donkey piss.

Let's see if they notice.

I can't wait!!!!

Be prepared to your mind blown. That's right!! Pop sensation Heidi Montag has another music video coming out soon!!

Heidi's boyfriend and producer extraordinaire, Spencer Pratt told PEOPLE that the video will be out "within the month," and be more conceptual (Personally, I don't know how that's possible) but still “very simple, [and] very entertaining, just like the last one.” He also said that thing about it blowing people's minds. (Insert your own oral joke.)

While you twitch waiting eagerly for the follow-up to Higher, enjoy this gem I stumbled on at TelevisionWithoutPity.com. My favorite part is when the interview turns to religion and Heidi talks about how she's a non-denominational Baptist.

So how is this different from any of her previous albums?

Jim Farber of the New York Daily News is among the first critics to get in some good zingers about Britney Spears' appropriately titled new album, Blackout.

Here are some excerpts of Jim's review:

"She comes off like some machine that bleeps and bloops out an airy array of oohs, ahhs and groans."

"If a blowup sex doll could sing, this is what she'd sound like."

"In terms of studio trickery, Paris Hilton's album was practically Unplugged compared to this."

But Jim is a fan of blow-up dolls: "She may no longer dance with flair, lip-sync on cue, keep her dress down, or even be judged a suitable mom, but Britney Spears can still turn up on some slammin' new songs. Think about this: How wonderful it is that, in the world of slick pop, even if stars can't deliver, the machine behind them still can."

Album of the Year!! You wait.

SOURCE

A Zigga-Zig-Bra

The Spice Girls will release their Greatest Hits (hits?) album exclusively through Victoria's Secret. The album, which comes out on Nov. 13th, will not be available for purchase at retail music stores (are there even any of those left?), however it will be available for download at iTunes and other music sites.

The album will feature 13 of their biggest hits (I dare you to name more than three), plus two new songs called "Headlines (Friendship Never Ends)" and "Voodoo."

The group will also perform during the annual Victoria's Secret fashion show.

You know they're gonna play that shit on a loop. I feel sorry for their employees. Just remember ladies, Victoria's Secret = earplugs.

SOURCE

Gimmie Less

So this may or may not be the video for Gimmie More that will premiere on TRL on Monday. If you didn't get enough at the VMA's, feel free to check it out. I will say this, she sure is classy.

Notice how all the close-up body shots are of the other strippers.