See, there was nothing to worry about all along!

David Cook wins American Idol 2008! (2007 for Randy, who by the way, tonight is playing the part of Captain Kangaroo by way of Chikezie)



Aww, so sweet when he won!! I even shed a tear. But then they got to the cornynation song (which was NOT the 80's movie montage song) and he had to sing about "searching for a magic rainbow." Oh dear....let's hope this isn't a taste of things to come.

I'm too happy for him right now to start thinking about that crap though, so let's relive some of the highlights from last night's cheesetastic finale! Which was fucking awesome!! Good job Idol (and I'm totally being serious. Ok, maybe the three pomegranate martinis helped a little.)




Did you hear? There's a new Mike Meyers movie coming out called "The Love Guru!!" This skit was actually pretty funny thanks to Mike talking about Archuleta growing pubes (which poor Archie doesn't understand) and to Archuleta's adlibbed shaving cream catch.


Then there was the "lost" tape of Gladys Knight auditioning her new Pips:


It doesn't get any awesomer than Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. Oh look, Ben Stiller's there too.


Try not to take your eyes off Amanda "I don't give two fucks" Overmeyer's bitchface and half-assyness when the Top 6 girls sing with Donna Summer:


Seacrest makes up for Amanda's shitty tude at 4:10. Watch him bust out! Can't blame him. Sometimes you just can't help it when you hear the music of the Divine Donna Summer!

Here's the Top 12 singing a medley of George Michael songs:


David Hernandez gets the "naked" line!

George Michael makes everybody forget about that whole "bathroom" incident:



They promised us the "BIGGEST STAR IN THE WORLD!"...and delivered:



Oh shit, you gotta warn us before you do that!:


I went to take a pee break and missed half of this last night. Thank god for YouTube!! Hey Cook, I got a Metrocard, call me!

Oh shit, you gotta warn us before you do that!:


I went to take another pee break and missed half of this, making me wish it was a poo break. Archie's a cute kid, but this was creepy. Thank GOD Lou Pearlman is locked up.

Who told Jordin Sparks this dress was a good idea?


Jennifer Hudson's stylist?

Who told Carrie Underwood this dress was a good idea?


She just needs a white hat with netting and she's all set for her wedding at city hall!

David Cook performed with ZZ Top and kids around the world said "who are those weird guys with the long beards?"


Hey David, you got that whole Metrocard reference before, right? Just making sure.

Syesha duets with Seal:


Brooke duets with Graham Nash:


Carly duets with...Michael Johns? Ok..


Jason Castro duets with.....nobody:


And unfortunately, he doesn't sing "Memory".

David Archuleta sang "Too Late to Apologize"


Jeff Archuleta said "Damn right son, you're getting the belt!"


Let's find out how Archie's fans reacted:




By the way, has anyone seen Archie since yesterday anyway? I'm a bit worried.

Who exactly got owned here? (answer: America)

So here we are: David vs. David.
The last night of competition starts with a microphone being lowered down. Oh shit!! Mr. Kennedy's here!! This isn't going to suck!!!

But no, it was just a set up for a lame boxing metaphor filled introduction of the Davids. Which, didn't they already do this for Clay vs. Ruben in Season 2? See, all the more reason to go with wrestling.



I think this was the point that Cook decided he was going to check out, bummed a joint from Castro, just said "fuck it" and hammed it up, which was pretty awesome and adorable. Archuleta looks like Little Mac from Mike Tyson's Punchout. Ok, so this was kind of cute and funny. They're gonna leave it at that right? Or are they going to beat it to death and keep showing promos of the two making "mean", serious, and utterly hysterical faces into the camera while intercutting shots of a shirtless, headless boxer that is obviously neither of the two Davids? Take one guess.

Clive Davis and Andrew Lloyd Webber are there to coach (and in Webber's case, creepily sorta come on to) the final two in this BATTLE TO THE DEATH!

Archuleta apparently won the coin toss in an untelevised moment last week (hmmm) and his Daddy told him to go last so Cook is up first singing Clive Davis' pick for him U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For":




Hey, did you know? Just like Paula can time travel and judge performances from the future, Randy can travel back in time and check out the past, like here when he refers to the night as the "Duel of 2007" between the 17-year old and the risky guy with spiky hair. Wait.

Paula says "We finally found what we're looking for..and it's David Cook." But when she says "we" she's referring to the Cougar Club of America who seem to have elected "Cookie" as their new coverboy and David gets a little nervous and looks down as his dick shrivels a little and for a second considers going back to the old hair.

Simon loved it and everything seems to be going along as predictably as we all would have imagined after last week.

But then:




Round One goes to Archuleta????

Oh Simon, I see what you're doing. You just want it to look fair right? Best to give Archie at least one round and the earliest one so you could break out the Cook pimp parade you've been twirling the baton in all week at the end. I see.



Time for Round Two. This time each David selects a song from the top ten finalists in the cornynation songwriting contest.

Again Cook goes first, singing a song called "Dream Big." Well, that doesn't sound cliche at all! Let's check it out.



This song sound so familiar. Damn, where have I heard this before?



Could be, or maybe:



It's on the tip of my tongue. Shit, I hate when that happens.

So anyway, David did what he could with it and received a lukewarm reception from the judges.


Next up, is Archie to sing a song called "In This Moment Like This Is My Now, Do I Make You Proud" or some shit like that:



Yes, there was actually a lyric which poses the question: while staring at your yourself in a window how can that window encompass the perfection... that is your reflection? I hear you on that one Archie, I wonder that all the time!

Of course the judges eat that rainbow moment shit up, wash it down with puppy piss, and ask for seconds. So Archie gets Round Two. Huh?



Finally, the Davids get to choose which song they'll perform last.


David Cook chose "The World I Know" by Collective Soul:



At first I didn't understand the ho-hum selection, but after reading the lyrics, it really makes sense considering the night's order of events: "Has all the kindness gone? Hope still lingers on. I drink myself of newfound pity" And then he cries! OH SHIT, there I go! I want to hug him!

Randy liked it, Paula purrs, and Simon says he should have done "Billie Jean" again. And David awesomely talks back!!! He says, "why do something I already did??" BURN!

And now, here to do something he already did...



Umm..... A "knockout?" What's going on? I thought Simon liked David Cook better! I thought they didn't want to have to deal with ScaryDaddy Archuleta! I thought David Cook was the favorite!

THAT'S SO UNFAIR TO DAVID COOK!!! WAAAAAAA!!!


Wait, I know!

I'm gonna go vote a million times for David Cook! No, I'm going to vote TWO million times!! Let's all do this! Yeah, we'll show them!!! We'll make David Cook the winner by a landslide!! And it will be even better because he'll overcome the odds of those mean judges and it will be a big surprise and much better than if he was just declared the winner outright! Yeah!


Wait.



Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh..


I feel so used.

One less nasty pedophile on the street

So while the New Kids on the Block are reuniting, their former manager, Lou Pearlman has been sentenced to 25 years in prison for money laundering and conspiracy to which he pleaded guilty in March.

Lets hope he goes to a real prison where he'll be treated how his pedo-ass deserves and not one of those pussy prisons for white collar criminals.

SOURCE

Newlyweds!

So as we have all heard by now Jessica Alba and Cash Warren had a top-secret wedding on Monday at the Beverly Hills courthouse! Forget Ashlee and Pete's stupid Alice in Wonderland themed fantasy wedding, THIS is the kind of stuff every girl dreams about for her big day!

Of course, PEOPLE got the first photos of the now newlyweds post wedding. Here they are at the Celebration of Mentoring Awards and Gala at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Cash and his friend were honored with a humanitarian award for producing the documentary Made in America about gang violence in L.A.


Archives Special: Shhh ... Top Secret Weddings!

Got Pepto?

Seriously, some things we just don't need to see.

PEOPLE is FIRST!!!

Of course, PEOPLE got the first photos of Ashlee and Pete's fantasy wedding! And look! They even got a couple shots of Jessica and Tony Romo's fantasy relationship.

David vs David Spoilers

photo VFTW

So who's excited about the American Idol finale beginning tonight? I am, but I'm kind of sad too because it means that the cheesefest will be over soon and because it's probably going to be the last time I will enjoy seeing David Cook before he wins and they turn him into a Daughtry clone and then I will grow to hate him. Which will be hard, because I love him with the intensity of 100 Bo Bices, but I just have to bring myself to accept it. Like Liesl in the Sound of Music when her boyfriend became a Nazi. It will be worth it for the shot of Jeff Archuleta's face though. Oh, please get a nice close-up of that shit!

If you just can't wait, here are spoilers on tonight's song choices and tomorrow night's big finale from MJ'SBlog :

Song Spoilers:

* Personal song choices have leaked: David Archuleta will reprise “Imagine” per Nigel Lythgoe Thursday on Ryan Seacrest’s KISS morning show. David Cook will sing a new song, U2’s “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”, per a report on FOX news. Cookie is the first Idol to get a U2 song cleared for competition.

* The Davids picked their own coronation song from the 10 most popular songs in the list of 20 that were available for online voting, per Nigel. How’s that for a twist? We don’t know which song either contestant has chosen yet.

* Clive Davis chose a song for the Davids. There are rumors swirling about, but there are no clear choices yet. I’ll bet the picks are AWESOME! /sarcasm.

Wednesday Finale:

* The So You Think You Can Dance dancers will be performing on Wednesday’s finale
* Two Idols from each of the previous six seasons will come back to perform a group number. Hooray! Bo Bice has already confirmed. Yahoo.

* Carrie Underwood will perform her new single “Last Name”, according to her My Space.

* There’s going to be another “Dead Elvis” video (last year, Celine Dion sang a “duet” with Elvis Presley), this time including several people, per Nigel on KISS.

* The “biggest star” in the world will be there, says Nigel. Robert Downey Jr. perhaps? He’ll be there according to the FOX report. Nigel is probably high enough to think Robert Downey Jr. is a big star.

* Nigel told Ryan this morning that the Top 5 will sing duets with “somebody”. FOX news is reporting (see video after the jump) that “each of the Idols” will be singing with one of the celebrity mentors who appeared during the season. There were four mentors: Mariah Carey, Neil Diamond, Dolly Parton and Andrew Lloyd Webber. If she’s talking about the Top 5 duets, who would be the 5th mentor? Paul McCartney or Ringo Starr? McCartney would fit the “biggest star in the world” description. But, neither Beatle were actually mentors. Or, maybe the FOX reporter is talking about something else entirely?

* Nigel and FOX confirmed a Jonas Brothers appearance.

* Paula Abdul will debut a song from her upcoming album, and the Top 12 will also be performing alongside Paula for a special group number. Who knows. Maybe Pauler got cold feet and changed her mind. Yahoo.

* The band One Republic (responsible for the mega-hit “Apologize”. Ryan Tedder from the band recently wrote for Clay Aiken and Blake Lewis) canceled a gig in order to be available for the finale.

"The biggest star in the world??" That could only mean one person!

Mutt's a dog

Last week it was announced that the 14 year marriage of Shania Twain and music producer Robert "Mutt" Langea was over due to the couple's "growing apart" (Mutt's words), but now it sources tell PEOPLE that it's due to the old sleeping with the secretary cliche.

Mutt's longtime secretary and manager of Mutt and Shania's home in Switzerland, Marie Ann Thiébaud is the woman in question. A source said, "Mutt and Marie Ann left their spouses for each other and are still in a relationship."

Mutt denies the claim and told PEOPLE it that was not the reason for the split. He also denied having a relationship with Thiébaud: "I'm not, no," he said. It's not true." Which of course means it is.

Shania, meanwhile is "devastated" and spending time with friends and family.


SOURCE

Did you ever notice...

...how many shot-for-shot spoofs of the Journey "Separate Ways" video there were on YouTube? It's the new Rickrolling!









I blame the rising gas prices--this is what people are being forced to do with their time now that they can't afford to go anywhere.

I'd like to thank metalsludge for bringing attention to this epidemic.

For the love of God, DON'T move the boogie board

Seriously, is she naked?