Friday, April 6, 2007

Asshat Idol - Top 9

Wednesday, April 4th:

Ryan: "You're sure Sanjaya isn't in the bottom 2? Can you double-check?"

Gina: "I'm really gonna miss you Stacey."

Haley: "It's HALEY!"

Ryan: "The person going home tonight is.....Gina Glocksen. Stacey you are safe!"

Haley: "It's HALEY!!!"
Gina: "Fucking shit!"

Sanjaya: "My plan, it is working!"

Gina: "Simon, I don't understand."
Simon: "You were bound to go home soon anyway, but I agree, we need to stop this problem."

After the show:

Blake - "Dude, check out this message I got! It says there is something terrible headed our way!"
Chris - "Dude,why are you on my lap?"

Blake - "Sorry bro, I'll get up."
Chris - "Too late, I already am. Move a little more to the right. Yeah. Who's your daddy now bitch?"

"You guys!! I just read that something terrible is headed our way!"

"You guys, someone just sent me flowers!! Why would someone do that? Something must be wrong. Something terrible must be headed our way!"

Simon: "Ryan, you'll like autoerotic asphixiation if you just give it another try. "
Ryan: "Uh, hang on, Simon... what the hell is that terrible thing headed our way? Oh no, it can't be................."


Guy Gone Running

Joe Francis, who was sentenced jail time for contempt of court missed his deadline to surrender to authorities in Panama City yesterday. He was supposed to be there by noon, but was a no-show.

The charge is from a 2003 lawsuit, when seven women, then underage, sued Francis for "victimizing them" and filming them for "Girls Gone Wild" when they drank too much and acted like hoes on spring break in Panama City. Both parties were ordered by the judge to begin settlement mediation. On March 21 when the negotiations were to begin, Joe went off on a tirade.

Then the judge ordered Joe to be locked up until he agreed to participate in mediation in good faith. This all looked like it would end after the plaintiffs and Joe agreed on a settlement offer. The judge then suspended the order. But then Joe changed the terms of the settlement, stumping even his own lawyer.

So then the judge reinstated the civil contempt order and may be starting a criminal contempt process.

Got all that?

It shouldn't be hard to find him. Just follow the trail of skank.

Ooh, this looks like a good episode of 24!

Did anyone even know he had a band?

"Damn you Bacon Brothers!"

' Kevin Costner has sued a music promoter, claiming the company reneged on a contract to back the actor's fledgling music career.

Costner, 52, filed the lawsuit Tuesday in Superior Court. The suit accuses Mahee Worldwide Ventures Inc. of breach of contract and fraud. Costner is seeking damages in excess of $8.5 million.

Costner is the lead singer in the Kevin Costner Band, for which he also writes songs. He also has a company, Kevin's Music LLC, that manages his musical activities.

The lawsuit claims Costner's company and the promoter entered into a two-year agreement in January that would allow the actor's band to perform in as many as five concerts each year. Mahee also would create and maintain a Web site marketing Costner's band, the lawsuit said.

But Mahee has failed to hold up its end of the deal, according to the lawsuit.

"Defendants made numerous promises regarding their capabilities to promote Mr. Costner's music and (their) willingness to pay for the right to do so," the lawsuit stated. "Instead of following through on their promises, defendants continued to make false promises and ultimately disappeared ..."

An e-mail message left for Mahee was not immediately returned Thursday. '

So now Kevin's done with his fantasy of being a baseball player and now he wants to be a rock star?

8.5 MILLION? Delusional much?

Keith - "I didn't snort my pop."

In what's bound to join the ranks of the Led Zeppelin shark/groupie incident, the Jim Morrison faking his death, and good ol' Axl and the kitty litterbox, a quote by Keith Richards about snorting his father's ashes was everywhere this week.

The quote from Keith's interview in NME magazine went like this: "The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father. He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared ... It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."

Now Keith's management is playing clean-up. Bernard Doherty, a spokesman for Keith says "It was an off-the-cuff remark, a joke, and it is not true. File under April Fool's joke."

But the magazine interviewer Mark Beaumont disagrees, "He didn't offer the information, I had to ask him a couple of questions to get the information out of him. He didn't come straight out with that."

So what does Keith have to say? In a message on the Rolling Stones' website he writes, "The complete story is lost in the usual slanting! The truth of the matter is that I planted a sturdy English Oak. I took the lid off the box of ashes and he is now growing oak trees and would love me for it!!! I was trying to say how tight Bert and I were. That tight!!! I wouldn't take cocaine at this point in my life unless I wished to commit suicide."

I guess we'll never know the truth. I just hope Keith doesn't try to climb that tree.


Wednesday, April 4, 2007

On a serious note

Sorry I haven't posted anything today. Today was pretty rough. I went to a funeral. It was for a beautiful and vibrant 30 year old woman who leaves behind heartbroken family, friends, and a little boy who will never know his mother. It was one of the most awful things I've ever experienced. Fucking cancer.

So anyway, I don't feel much like making fun of the spoiled Hollywood assholes whose biggest problem is what they're gonna wear to the next party or where they're gonna score some blow. Not today anyway.

It's so true that if you have your health, you have everything. Life is too damn short to stress on the stupid little things that won't even matter next week. It's also so true that you never know what life is going to deal you, so make every day matter.

So for anyone who happens to read this, please be thankful for every day that you wake up. Stop negatively focusing on the meaningless stuff like your job or money and just be happy that you are alive. Be happy that the people that you love are alive. Tell them that you love them. Call that person that you've been holding a grudge against for so long the original reason doesn't even matter anymore and it's just an issue of your own stupid pride. Hug your dog.

Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer, things like this really make you think about what you take for granted.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Britney Comeback Update

Since leaving rehab, Britney Spears has been keeping herself out of trouble by getting dental work and working on her new album. Producer Sean Garrett promises the album is going to be a hit and said, "I'm working with Britney.'It's really coming together right now. I know she'll do exceptionally well now that she's out of rehab. The new album is like 'Toxic' times 10. It's going to be a lot of fun and it's really exciting. We did a lot of great work before her break." (I think he meant breakdown.)

Let's see, I'm a little rusty on my math but I'm pretty sure:
Toxic X 10 =

Great, just great.

Garrett then said: "Britney is a superstar. She definitely knows how to handle herself, but it's tough sometimes. The pressure sometimes gets to you, but I think she has done such a great job keeping her composure under the circumstances."

Ummmm, ok. Yeah, that's our Britney, calm, cool, and collected. Maybe compared to Michael Richards?


A Little Scary!

Melanie Brown, aka Scary Spice, gave birth to a 5 lb., 4 oz. baby girl that may or may not be Eddie Murphy's early this morning. Ironically, the baby was born on Eddie's birthday.

Her rep told PEOPLE in a statement, "The baby is completely healthy with a good head of hair. Mother and baby are now resting. No name has been decided on as yet and she is purely known as Baby Brown."

Eddie insists he's not the daddy, while Melanie does. The paternity of the new baby will be determined by a blood test. As of now, Frederick von Anhalt has not made any claims to be the father.

Sorry guys- New York is off the mutha-fucking market

In case you missed last night's finale of I Love New York, here's the shocking conclusion. I sobbed so much I nearly lost an eyelash! You know this means there will be another spin-off show. Yippee!

Monday, April 2, 2007

Don't call her J-Lo, she's just a simple Latina

Jennifer Lopez recently told Britain's The Guardian newspaper: "I'm not J.Lo any more. That's all gone with all the ridiculous stories about tantrums and Egyptian sheets. That's all my past. I'm Jennifer Lopez. I think, as a woman, I've finally grown more sure of who I am. It does seem ironic that it has taken me more than a decade to basically get back to who I am. I am incredibly proud of my culture and I think I am a woman who is totally defined by my culture. My temperament, my body shape, the way I am is all very much Puerto Rican."

Hmmm, the timing of this is kinda suspicious.

Let's activate the Asshat Hollywood celeb quote translator: "Please un-ban me from the Spanish record stores--those are the only ones that are going to buy my new album because it's not in English!!! I'm Latina, look!!! Look at my ass!! I'm Jenny from the block! Just with mink eyelashes and a Bentley, but look at the ass!! The ass is still there. That's a Puerto Rican ass! I even married a Spanish guy! Actually I married two of them! Maybe three, wait, was Cris Judd part Latin? Um, I love tacos too! Oh and remember when I played Selena? El lapiz es rojo!! El lapiz es rojo!!"


St. Angelina is getting another exotic child. Yeah, I said ANOTHER one!

"Hello? I'd like to order a child for delivery please? I need a black one, no anchovies."

A source has told Britain's News of the World newspaper that only weeks after adopting Pax Thein, Angelina Jolie is already thinking about getting yet another kid because she wants to "balance the family."

"Angelina and Brad want to make sure Zahara doesn't feel alienated as the only black face in their family. She feels the children need a balance of faces in their life," said the unnamed source, who also claims that Angelina has already asked her lawyers to begin the adoption process on the next member of her soon-to-be-balanced family. The lucky kid is allegedly a one-year-old girl from Oure Cassoni who will hopefully be joining the Jolie-Pitt commune by summer.

Feng Shui? OCD? Batshit crazy? Whatever it is, she really needs to chill. Instead of getting another kid to make Zahara feel less alienated, maybe, uh, I dunno, devote the attention to Zahara instead of splitting it with yet another child? Geez and poor Maddox is going to start purposely flunking out of medical school just to get attention.


Abs of Styrofoam!

The lesson is: Do a damn crunch instead of having a doctor stick a fat-sucker in your gut. Sure, you have to get up off your drunk ass, but you won't look deformed and it's free!



Disclaimer: I'm totally indulging. I know most people that read this are not into wrestling, but last night was Wrestlemania, the Superbowl of Sports Entertainment!! Plus I had to pay $50 to watch it. Plus, it's my damn blog. Don't worry, I'm sure someone's drunk and/or pantyless somewhere and I'll be sure to get to that later.

So Wrestlemania 23 was pretty predictable. Only one real surprise, two if you count the streaker.

I bet Aretha got paid more money to sing one song than K-Fed did in his divorce settlement.

The Money in the Bank Ladder Match was probably the best match of the night. Once again the moment that everyone's talking about and that they'll reshow for years when looking back at Wrestlemania 23 comes courtesy of the most awesome guy in the world, my boyfriend Edge. Oh yeah, and Jeff Hardy. But Edge took the bump kay? THE LADDER BROKE Y'ALL! He was carried out on a stretcher and I couldn't tell if it was for real or not. I heard he's ok. I still would like to volunteer to give him an oral exam though, never can be too careful.

Here's the one true surprise-- The new Mr. Money in the Bank is my boy MRRRRRR. Kennedy!


I was hoping so bad he'd cash it in against Cena later, but that would have been too much for the creative geniuses to come up with. Because this is the kind of riveting stuff we get:

Yup, the Battle of the Billionaires. Vince McMahon lost and had to get his head shaved. Shocker! I was really hoping Stone Cold would shave Donald Trump after he gave him the stunner, but you know, no. Boring. Someone had a sign that said "THIS IS STUPID." Yup.
Undertaker wins! Shocker! He keeps his streak, now at 15-0! Plus, they even managed to make his entrance longer!

Piss break. Sorry Kane.

Benoit's still pissed he had to tap to Cena last week on Raw.

This was a mini-surprise (if I gave a shit) Melina retains the Women's Championship proving that it takes more than breast implants and taking off your clothes in Playboy to get a title belt, it takes breast implants and some actual talent. Poor Mickie James got so screwed.

"Gee thanks for the consolidation match Vince, you still ruined ECW."

What a shocker!! The golden boy wins again! (Decent match though) And all the kids go to bed happy while the parents are left cursing that they had to spend $49.99.


This guy should have won instead of Cena for the 15,199th time

Watch this clip closely. This is from the beginning of a match at last night's Wrestlemania. Some guy jumped into the ring and attempted to streak but security took him down and fed him to Aretha Franklin.