J-Lo to compete in triathlon/conceived naturally

Jennifer Lopez is already working on getting back into shape after giving birth to twins - She's hired a trainer and is even planning to compete in a triathlon in six months!

She told People magazine she is planning to enter "probably in October, September/October... I want my babies to be proud of me."

Um, J-Lo, they'll be six months old! They'll be throwing their poop!

J-Lo also has dismissed claims that she and Marc used in-vitro fertilization: "It was natural. We didn't do in vitro, which I know was reported. Everybody assumed that because we had twins. I wanted to have a baby, but I've always said exactly what I said all those years they (reporters) asked us since we've been married: 'Well, when are you guys gonna have some kids?' 'When it happens naturally, I guess!'

Uh-huh..

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Is she serious?

Ok, when PEOPLE starts getting snarky ("Does the goodwill ever cease?") , maybe you oughtta consider checking yourself.

This is a photo of Paris in Africa (no not because she promised Larry King she'd help people, but because she's tagging along on tour with Benji & Good Charlotte) signing pictures of herself. Did she bring those with her? Those kids are like "who is this bitch?" The sad part is, she thinks that she's helping them.

I guess she kind of is. I mean whenever those kids get hungry, they can look at the picture and it will hold off the hunger pangs for a couple hours. You know, like hoodia.

Imagine no possessions

Ok, I promise I'll stop with the Beatles/Lennon stuff! But it really fits here.

Jamie Lee Curtis appears topless on the cover of the May/June issue of AARP magazine to show women that there just may be something to that whole aging gracefully thing. Who would've thunk?

In her interview she talks about her health and diet tips (giving up crackers, bread and granola), and about what beauty is (being confident in herself.)

Then Jamie talks about how she gave away nearly all of her jewelry and shoes to "lighten her load." She said "I've had the experience of going into people's homes after they've died, and I'm amazed at the number of things people amass and never look at again. And I'm just not that person."

She then added, "I'm like the Terminator, that's what I am. I should have a TV show where I go into people's houses and terminate their possessions."

Hey Jamie, why don't you start with Kim Kardashian?

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Better than Kristy Lee Cook

I was upset that no one sang "Hey Jude" this week on Idol, but then a friend found the above video and it's way better than any of those contestants could have done it (yeah, even David Cook!) I guarantee this will be the cutest thing you'll see all day!

More Britney on How I Met Your Mother

Two more clips of Britney's upcoming guest spot were released today. Enjoy!

Clip #1:


Clip #2:



So from what I can gather from the three leaked scenes is that she's playing a dim-witted slut.

Her talent knows no bounds!

Poor Kim!!

Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. Her whole life she dreamed of owning a Bentley of her very own. That's all she wanted, is that so much to ask?

Well this girl never stopped believing and one day he dreams came true!! She made a sex tape and became famous and was able to get that Bentley!

Unfortunately, this story doesn't have a happy ending. The girl only got to drive the Bentley for one week and then BAM!! An evil man on a motorcycle slammed into it! Now she has to wait TWO MONTHS for it to be fixed!!!

Sadly, the horrific story above is true. And the poor big-assed girl is none other than America's treasure, Kim Kardashian.

Kim is keeping her adoring fans updated on the touch and go status of her car on her website. And great news everyone! You can leave get well wishes for her Bentley!

Since my recent car drama has been in the news, I figure I should give you the updates...

I only got to drive my new Bentley for one week when a motorcycle ran into it! It was a hit and run. :(

I've had the car for six whole months, but it had been in shop most of that time getting tricked out at Luxury Ride Motors -- where I bought it. Now my Bentley is at Platinum MotorSport on Sunset Blvd. getting repaired! They say it may take about two months.

I've been waiting my whole life for a Bentley and now this!!! I just have to laugh -- what else am I going to do!?

Wish my car a speedy recovery in the comments and also let me know how you have dealt with car drama!

To further talk about this tragedy, we are pleased to welcome to Asshat Hollywood: KIM KARDASHIAN!!!


Uh, Kim, you think you can turn around?




Seriously, are you ever going to turn around? I know it's hard to believe, but I'm tired of looking at your ass.

"But I did turn around."

Oh, so you did. My mistake. So tell me, how are you coping with this nightmare?

"I'm just so very sad, my Bentley is everything to me."

I know how painful this must be for you and your courage is inspiring. You must also be angry, I mean, the nerve of that motorcyclist taking off like that huh?! I'd be rippin'!

"I know!! He didn't even ask my Bentley if she was ok. That damn ambulance just picked him up and sped off! That fucker!!"

Ummm, hang on a second Kim. You said it was a hit and run. Is the guy ok?

"Who cares about him? MY BENTLEY!!!!!!!!WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"

Stay strong Kim, remember what you said: Laugh. That's all you can do in stressful times like this. Hey speaking of stressful times, what do you think of all the talk regarding fears of a recession in this country?

" MY BENTLEY!!!!!!!!WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"

I understand your feelings on that. After all, if everyone made a sex tape and starred in their own inane reality show, we wouldn't be in the current economic upheaval we are now. That was actually pretty profoundly insightful, Kim. But surely, you must have an opinion on the upcoming Presidential election?

" MY BENTLEY!!!!!!!!WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"

The war in Iraq?

" MY BENTLEY!!!!!!!!WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"

The AIDS crisis and poverty in Africa? Comeon, even American Idol cares about that one!

" MY BENTLEY!!!!!!!!WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!"

Ok, well, thanks for stopping by Kim. I'm sure your Bentley is in everyone's thoughts and prayers.

Here's Max and Emme!

People got the first pictures of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony's twins, for the bargain price of $6 million dollars!

WTF???

I knew she should have done Helter Skelter! Token female rocker, Amanda Overmeyer was eliminated from American Idol last night. Which means Kristy Lee Cook lives another day to blow us. Out of our socks.

In a surprising twist, Carly Smithson was in the bottom three, although the conspiracy theorist in me says that was a ploy by the powers that be to get more people to vote for her.

So anyway, goodbye Amanda!! If I'm ever in Lafayette, I'll come check you out whatever bar you're playing in.

BTW- Has anyone seen Amanda and DJ Tanner in the same room? Just wondering.

Scandal With the Stars!!

Ut oh! Star is reporting that Cheryl Burke saved a horse and rode Drew Lachey during the last national Dancing With the Stars tour. In case you didn't know, Drew is married with a 2-year old daughter..

An insider told Star, "They didn't go very far to cover it up. Cheryl was constantly draped all over Drew. They held hands, had their legs intertwined and were always touching inappropriately."

And Cheryl's now ex-boyfriend Matthew Lawrence (Boy Meets World and also Joey's brother) caught Cheryl blowing Drew out of his socks!

Sources say Matthew found the two when he went to retrieve something from her dressing room on a tour stop in Jacksonville, Florida on January 22. He ran out screaming and yelling.

The next day as the buses were getting ready to leave, insiders say that Drew started yelling at Matthew and Joey in the parking lot. "If you talk about this, I'll bury you Matt. I'll bury you Joey. I'm serious I will hurt you!"

Drew and Cheryl's lawyers are both denying the affair (which is pretty much confirming it--I mean, lawyers?) Matthew told Star, "There are too many things going on. I can't talk about it."

I wonder how Drew is going to bury Matt. I wonder how Drew is going to bury Joey. Maybe it will be a dance-off?

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Deja Vu (hey Jason, that's French!)

MOST AWESOME PERFORMANCE:


Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark Ballas were amazing!! And it's only the first week!! Yeah, I know she has a bit of an advantage being a figure skater, but like she said - it is different. Beautiful foxtrot!!

Huh? Oh, Idol? Most awesome performance last night? Can I say Simon when he said it was a really bad idea to do a second Beatles week because last week was so great? Seriously, close the Lennon/McCartney songbook!! Poor Paul, first he's gotta give Pegleg $30 mil and now this? It was painful. And dreadful. And everyone was disappointing. Except for Ryan, who wasn't as douchy as usual. I guess having a new beard is good for him.

MOST AWESOMELY BAD PERFORMANCE:


So sorry Brooke, but even you know it sucked. Maybe it would have been better if there were a couple more literal sunshine references, like a box of Raisin Bran or if she put on a pair of shades, Caruso-style, after the "Wooo!"
Yeah, and then some animated birds can come flying in! Yellow ones, of course.

MOST AWESOME MOMENT OF LAST NIGHT'S SHOW:


Skip the boring performance and go straight to 4:40. No need to even make a joke! The best part is about two seconds later when Kristy realizes how what she just said unintentionally came out and is simultaneously embarrassed and hysterical. Even Seacrest can't hold it together. And Simon's all "Ok, see you after the show."

STILL DON'T GET IT:


Stay with me here. Imagine if they made a musical out of Dazed and Confused. And they had a scene in French class. This would be Slater's number. And then after the song he'd be like "Screw France, America's the shit, man. George Washington was in a cult, and the cult was into aliens, man. And behind every good man there is a woman, and that woman was Martha Washington, man, and everyday George would come home, she would have a big fat bowl waiting for him, man, when he come in the door, man, she was a hip, hip, hip lady, man."


STILL HITTIN' THE PIPE:


Simon says "smug", I say probably a combination of confidence and his face just being like that (Sorta like the 'stinkeye' from Juno, but in this case, it would be the 'fuckeye') but even if he was, so what? You need a touch of cockiness to be an authentic [/Paula] rocker. And without it, you know what you get? Melinda "Aw shucks" Doolittle, that's what. Nuff said about that. Anyway good performance, a little predictable yeah, until Frampton Came Alive!

Oh, and SECOND MOST (UNINTENTIONALLY) AWESOME MOMENT comes in at 5:00. Oh dear Seacrest, you needed both of the Olly girls!

AM I WATCHING A FUCKING TELETHON?


Simon sees dollar signs from the Jonas Brothers crowd. David's dad does too.

Eh..


One of the best of the night, but she'll still be in the bottom two.


LIGHTNING DOESN'T STRIKE TWICE:


And it doesn't make it different if you throw in a harmonica.

SHE'S LIKE A BIRD:


Was she seriously trying to compare her failed $2 million dollar record deal to a fucking crippled bird? The close-ups freak me the hell out too. I think she's a vampire. That would explain the fangs and the lack of a soul.


DAYUM!


So I was looking for Ramielle's awful performance, but I stumbled on this and thought it was way more interesting.


PREDICTIONS:
Bottom Three: KKKristy Lee Cook, Syesha, and Amanda or Michael Johns (who I just realized were both so forgettable, that I forgot to post them here. Michael's suffering from Ace Young Syndrome and the hotness isn't going to save him much longer. Amanda may be singing in those bars in Lafayette sooner than she thinks.)

Going home - Syesha (upset)

We have a name!

Halle Berry's daughter's name is.... Nahla Ariela Aubry!

Not terrible, but plain Ariel would have been better, Ariela sounds too much like aerola.

Actually, lose Ariel all together. I love The Little Mermaid and all, but that name reeks of pageant princess. Or stripper. Or, in many cases - both.

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Cheetos?!!! St. Angelina is a BAD MOTHER!

Zahara -"Why is that lady with the busted weave running towards us Mommy?"

St. Angelina - "Kids, hide the Cheetos. Maddox, go start the helicopter."

Heather to Paul's lawyer "You're all wet!"

Heather Mills is making news today not just for hopping away with $33 million dollars cash plus assets worth $15.6 million in her divorce from Paul McCartney, but for reportedly throwing a glass of water over Paul's lawyer yesterday at the proceedings!

Heather allegedly calmly walked up to Fiona Shackleton and tipped a glass of water over her head before the judgment was announced. Somebody's been watching their soaps! Eliot Spitzer's wife, take notes!

Here's 40 year old (Really? Damn!) Fiona, before and after her makeover:


She looks better!

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Just what she needs!!

Amy Winehouse has been invited by George Clooney and Julia Roberts to sing at a party they are throwing at the Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume. The event which will be hosted by Giorgio Armani, will take place in May. Amy has allegedly been offered £500,000 ($789,175.77) to perform at the event.

A source told UK's Mirror that Amy was shocked by the request, and that "she hasn't really taken it in - and keeps saying that her life is getting more surreal by the second."

Ya think?:


Amy needs to get help, not a gig!! I'd expect this from Julia, but really Clooney?

I can already picture all the A-Listers at the event talking condescendingly about how talented she is and what a shame, while three quarters of them have drug problems of their own. Puke.

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But is the star fake?

The man that brought us hand births, fun with the mentally handicapped, stereotype bashing, live sex celebrations, terrorist humor, making it ok to laugh at midgets, and of course, the Creme de la Creme (Don't. Trust me, you really don't wanna do that.) was finally honored with his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame last Friday. Congrats Vince!

Vince accepted the honor in his "Mr. McMahon" character saying, “I already know I’m a star. I’m the biggest star of all time.”

Sadly there was no one with signs (not even that guy), no wrestlers interrupted his speech and beat him up after a handshake fake-out, there weren't any painfully obvious chicken/"cock" jokes, and no chants from the crowd(not even a "Cena Sucks!").

The WWE's all-time biggest star, Hulk Hogan, did not attend the ceremony. His daughter Brooke, however, was later seen strolling down Hollywood Boulevard.

Scratch that, it wasn't Brooke, it was a tranny hooker...My bad.

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They call him Mellow Yellow; He calls them bitches

I just can't take it! First Britney Spears is a brilliant actress, and now Adam Carolla is a dancer extraordinaire! Here's his first (and most likely, last) dance on Dancing With the Stars which premiered last night.

I smell an Emmy!

Here's the first preview for Britney's much talked about guest spot on "How I Met Your Mother."

Personally I would have said it "Can we have sex and then GO shopping?" instead of "Can we have sex and THEN go shopping?" But I'm just so proud she remembered her line! Although it's not that much of a stretch, as she probably said that to Adnan at least a couple times a day.

Enjoy the 10 seconds!

The Hollywood Spawn Report

After being pregnant for about sixteen months, Halle Berry finally gave birth to a baby girl on Sunday. This is Halle's first child and the father is Gabriel Aubry (that young hot model dude she's been dating). Halle is "doing great" and no details on the child's name have been released. We'll just call her "Genetically Gifted" for now.
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Punky Power!! Soleil Moon Frye and husband, Jason Goldberg had their second child yesterday: Jagger Joseph Blue Goldberg. You'd assume by the name that it's a boy right? Wrong! The baby girl weighed in at 8 lbs., 6 oz. and mom and baby are doing great. The couple also have a 2-year-old daughter, Poet Sienna Rose Goldberg. (Geez, Punky, names, not phrases!! Didn't Henry teach you anything other than not playing hide and seek in a discarded refrigerator?)
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Here's a new pic of Nicole Kidman carrying world's tiniest baby!