Saturday, May 5, 2007

HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Don't Free Paris!

Paris Hilton is going to JAIL!!!! The judge sentenced her to 45 days in the slammer.

Her defense attorney Howard Weitzman said he would appeal. He said, "I'm shocked, I'm surprised and really disheartened in the system that I've worked in for close to 40 years." He added that it was "uncalled for, inappropriate and bordered on the ludicrous. I think she's singled out because of who she is."

Um, I think her attorney was hoping they'd let her off the hook because of "who she is." Asshat! Oh well, at least he got a blowjob out of it.

That judge gets my award for awesome person of the week! (sorry Blake, but Paris behind bars beats beatboxing over You Give Love a Bad Name. )


Friday, May 4, 2007

Future Ear Pollution Warning

Britney, Justin, and Paris in happier times

In news that would make Britney go so crazy, she'd shave her head all over again, Paris Hilton has claimed that she and Timberfuck will record a duet together.

She said, "I think we blend well and he says that he has something in mind for both of us. I can't wait."

Let's hope for everyone's sake he wasn't talking about a song because that would be worse than My Humps, You're Beautiful, Barbie Girl, and Screwed all rolled into one. Multiplied by infinity. Just to be safe, I'm gonna stop using Q-tips.


Boratmian Rhapsody?

In some of the most fascinating casting news ever, Sacha Baron Cohen is said to be the frontrunner to portray the late Freddie Mercury of Queen in an upcoming biopic film developed by Robert De Niro's company, Tribeca Productions. Sacha reportedly modeled his character Borat's look after Freddie. But there's some competition for the role. Johnny Depp is also interested in the part and was in talks with producers last month about playing Freddie.

As much as I love Johnny, they MUST give this one to Sacha! Maybe he'll win an Oscar and he can go to the ceremony as Borat and no one will be able to stop him like they did last time!



Paris Hilton has a date today in L.A. Superior Court, where the awesome prosecutors will try to convince the judge she needs to be locked up for 45 days for driving on a suspended license. Prosecutors also want Hilton to abstain from alcohol for 90 days and make her wear a secure continuous remote alcohol monitoring (SCRAM - lol!) device on her ankle. (I had no idea they could detect alcohol use remotely, that's interesting. Too bad it doesn't detect cocaine too.)

I hope she gets locked up!! The only problem is she'll use it to her advantage and get publicity off of it when she gets out. I can already see the photos of her trying to look all sexy posing behind jail bars. But it would be worth it if she could get her ass kicked once by someone that saw that video of her yelling racist remarks (Speaking of, again, how did that one ever slide? Where the hell were Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson on that one? She probably fucked her way out of it.)

If she's locked up , I'm going to make up t-shirts that say "DON'T FREE PARIS!"


Unhappy Feet

Kirsten Dunst left the NY Premiere of Spiderman 3 early Monday night, claiming she was sick. However she was later spotted at a club in the West Village celebrating her birthday.

But the real story here is the mystery rash on her feet! Ewww!

Let this be lesson for all you liars out there. See what happens!


Thursday, May 3, 2007

Chloe Sevigny Hates British People

Chloe Sevigny is rippin' pissed because she feels that all the good roles are going to bloody British actors.

She told Page Six,
"I think Hollywood is a little too enamored with British actors, or people with accents, they think they are more master thespians than their American counterparts."

Oh Chloe, it's not Americans Hollywood has a problem with, it's porn stars. Nobody is hiring you because of BROWN BUNNY, BROWN BUNNY,BROWN BUNNY, BROWN BUNNY, BROWN BUNNY, BROWN BUNNY, BROWN BUNNY, BROWN BUNNY,BROWN BUNNY, BROWN BUNNY, BROWN BUNNY, BROWN BUNNY !

Brad Pitt to be a baby! Angelina plans to adopt him

Brad Pitt's face will be superimposed onto the body of a baby in his new movie 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.' The movie, which also stars Cate Blanchett, is about a man who is born 70-years-old and ages in reverse.

Director David Fincher seems to think it will work. He said, "In the past you may have had different actors playing him at different stages of his life, but here I can use Brad Pitt throughout, just putting his head on different people's bodies. I really think that it will work. At least I hope it does, if not, it's going to look bloody awful! Is he joking? Is he smoking?
" I got ten bucks on "bloody awful."

Oh yeah, guess who else is in the movie? Shiloh!! She will be portraying Cate 's character as a baby. I guess the director doesn't want to superimpose Cate's face.

Apparently they had hired twin sisters to take turns playing the part, but the kids were unprofessional little brats so Shiloh (who was hanging out in the on-set daycare) stepped in and replaced them both, because she is the messiah and can do the job of five babies. Child labor laws be damned!

A source said of Shiloh, "She's a natural. Shiloh did her scenes perfectly and was giggling and happy throughout her big day."


American Idol Recap - Blake & Chris 4-Ever!

Ryan said something about a puppet.

Simon thought he has making fun of his girlfriend and got pissy.

Ryan and Simon made up during a bathroom quickie on a commercial break.

Phil went home in the classiest exit ever.

Everyone cried.

Everyone hugged.

Robin Thicke had a live on-air castration.

Bon Jovi performed a live on-air anesthesiation.

Jon Bon Jovi looked hot.

Richie Sambora looked like ass.

Ruben Studdard is not dead. He asked for money to feed the poor. He was talking about himself.

Fantasia kind of learned to read (Yay you! Pretty good job on them cue cards!)

Idol Pats Itself on the Back for Idol Gives Back....again.

Everyone joined the circus, except for Blake, who joined My Chemical Romance.

Blake and Chris are in jeopardy. They match. They are BFF's. They hug. It's hot.

Fake suspense. Blake and Chris hug.

Chris is out. Blake and Chris hug.

Everybody cries.

Everybody hugs. Especially Blake and Chris.

I anxiously await a sex tape.

(Awesome job on the second one!)

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Fashion Icons

Jessica Alba is beautiful and all but WTF is up with those shoulder pads? First those nasty high-waisted pleated jeans were all the rage and now shoulder pads? What's next - layered slouchy socks? Remember people: Point and Laugh. (like the woman in the yellow shirt is)

Lindsay Lohan looks so gorgeous!! I must get an outfit just like this so I'm off to get my scissors and raid my grandmother's closet. (I bet Lindsay was able to burn the bottom off that mumu with her crotch.) And to think, I was just about to throw out my stockings with the runs in both legs!

Keep on rocking Lindsay!! You look amazing for 50!


Pam and Tommy - On again? Again?


' Rocker Tommy Lee has fuelled speculation he's reunited romantically with ex-wife Pamela Anderson - he's buying a luxury property for her in Dubai.
The Motley Crue drummer moved in with Anderson and the couple's two sons earlier this year while renovation work was carried out on his own home, and now he's snapping up a residence in the Gulf state at the actress' request.

And he hopes to spend plenty of time with his family on one particular man-made island in The World project - a group of islands, which are inspired by countries around the globe.

He says, "I've been doing a lot of research on Dubai property and The World project. We're going for 'Greece' because I'm Greek originally.

"Pamela actually turned me on to the whole thing. Life is good now. I'm happy because I'm seeing my boys again. '

Tommy is also reportedly happy to be seeing Pam's girls again as well.

Best of luck to them!

Claire Danes is mean to unicorns

Remember The Last Unicorn? That movie ruled!

Claire Danes is in a new movie called "Stardust." In the fantasy movie, her character is rescued by a unicorn. Sadly, the experience didn't live up to Ms. Danes' expectations.

'The horn kept falling off," she said. "I was so ecstatic to fulfil my six-year-old's fantasy and ride a goddamn unicorn! And when I mounted it, the horn fell off!"

Fortunately, the unicorn found a place that the horn would stay put.


Way to prove all the naysayers wrong Brit!

Britney made her long-awaited comeback last night at the House of Blues in San Diego last night, but if you blinked, you may have missed it.

The "show," which many dumbasses paid over $200 a scalped ticket for, consisted of Britney lip-synching to five songs (shortened ones at that). Some reports say the length of the show clocked in around 20 minutes, others say it was as short as 13! Of course, someone had a cellphone camera and captured a bit here.

In a statement released to Asshat Hollywood, Axl Rose commented on the incident, saying, "That is awful. She really cheated those fans."


Thank God for Blake

Love him or hate him, you gotta admit that this season would be so b-b-b orrr rr ing without him. And you can't say the kid doesn't have balls. I thought this was awesome. Pretty Jon's all "Dude, don't fuck with my song." But it was cool. Like Seacrest, I'm still crushing.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Starlift needs a little patience... Yeahahhhh

TMZ reports that my boy Axl Rose and the other members of "Guns N' Roses" have been sued by a logistics company hired for their 2006 tour. The company, Starlift Logistics claims that the band owes them $107, 000 in unpaid bills for transportation and touring services.

When reached for comment, W. Axl Rose said in a statement, "It is a very complex payment. We are working on the finishing touches on the payment. We are planning on executing the payment in full by March 6th. It will be the greatest payment. We'll see what happens."

He really wanted to hurt him

' Boy George has been arrested after allegedly imprisoning a male escort in his flat.

Auden Carlsen fled the singer's East London home in terror, claiming George and another man had grabbed him and chained him to a wall.

Carlsen - who claims he had agreed to pose for photos for the 'Do You Really Want To Hurt Me' singer and was not working as an escort - said: "I walked into the bedroom wearing my white underpants and a T-shirt and then I was jumped on by another man.

"George handcuffed me to a hook by the bed as they held me down." Carlsen then claims the other man left the room before the former Culture Club singer produced a box of sex toys and told him: "Now you'll get what you deserve." The 28-year-old Norwegian - who met George on the gay dating website Gaydar - says he pulled the hook from the wall and fled in his underpants before phoning the police from a nearby newsagent's on Saturday morning. George was later arrested and taken to a police station. He was then bailed by detectives probing assault and false imprisonment allegations.

The 45-year-old singer - who was unavailable for comment - was given community service in New York last year after a sizable amount of cocaine was found in his apartment.
Officers had originally been called to George's home after he claimed a rent boy had tried to steal from him. '


(that's all I got)

What the Fuck?

This is an anti-drunk driving Public Service Announcement called"Paris Hilton Autopsy." Artist Daniel Edwards, created this life-size clay sculpture of a naked and dead Paris on a coroner's table to teach the impressionable youth of today that life isn't all tiaras and cocaine when it comes to drunk driving. Edwards said the work is meant to counter of "the disturbingly glamorized trend of Hollywood's girls gone wild."

Tinkerbell's alive though so all is good.


Pop Stars don't get speeding tickets y'all

Britney Spears was pulled over Friday on Sunset Boulevard for speeding but got off with only a warning.

Unfortunately Sean Preston wasn't so lucky and received a citation.


Also, Britney looks wonderful and can't wait to get back to performing. (I'm waiting for my check. I know y'all paid PEOPLE to say that.)