For Fuck's Sake! WHYYYY?!

You kinda knew this was coming, didn't you?

Marie Osmond has designed a line of creepyass dolls inspired by her various dances on Dancing With the Stars which will be sold on QVC beginning tonight at 6PM Eastern. Now you can reenact the desperation at home!! The one above is, of course, her Samba/fainting routine. There will also be the Boogie Woogie doll, the Paso Doble doll, the Quickstep doll, and the season finale Freestyle doll (so a doll of a person pretending to be a doll). Sadly, there are no plans for a life-size Maksim blow-up doll.

What I want to know are WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE that buy this shit? Yes, I know they are the same people that voted for her but really, this madness has to stop. Won't somebody save us??

"BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!!!!"

Hey everyone, it's my She-Ra doll from 1986! I thought you got tossed in the box of amputated Barbie parts. I'm so glad to see you!

"First of all, your bitch mother donated me to the church tag sale and I had to fight my way back to Etheria. Then I ran into my brother and had to coach him through some, um, life decisions he was struggling with."

I'm sorry to hear that. How is He-Man doing?

"Much better since he came to terms with his sexuality. He and Skeletor actually just purchased an adorable little condo in Eternia. I was just there for Thanksgiving."

That's fantastic!

"Um excuse me please, but this is about me. I just want to let people know that I am the perfect gift for the holidays and that every child and tragically pathetic middle-aged doll collector can own me, their very own MARIE OSMOND: DANCER EXTRAORDINAIRE DOLL!!"

"Oh, put a fucking lid on it toots! Nobody gives a shit."

"Actually they do, the first two dolls in my collection sold out in eight minutes on QVC! Marie is one of the world's top doll designers you know."

"Did I stutter or do I need to draw my sword and cut you?"

"Stop {huuuuuuuuhhhhh) please [huuuuuuhhhh] I'm feeling light-headed...."

THUD!!!!!!!!

Oh knock it off Marie, everyone knows you're faking.

"I've had just about enough."

"Take that you annoying creepy piece of Chinese plastic!"

"ALRIGHT!! MORE DRAMA!! DON'T FORGET EVERYONE, QVC TONIGHT AT 6! BUY ALL FOUR DOLLS!

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Set your clocks - Pam to retire in 2012

Pamela Anderson has said that she plans to retire from showbusiness in five years in order to devote all of her time to her family. Funny, I thought she had already retired! Seriously what has she done lately besides get married, divorced, and married again?

Oh that's right. How stupid of me!! She made that upcoming movie Blonde and Blonderer with Denise Richards! In that case it seems fitting that she'd retire after that. I mean, how do you top that one? Especially since she's sure to win an Oscar!

Anyway, Pam says ,"I get offers to do movies and TV all the time. I say no to everything. Drives my agent crazy. But I'm lazy. I don't want to work. I want to be with my kids. So I just fly in from Los Angeles, do a few days of shows and go back home."

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Can you guess who this is?

Looks like someone's been shopping in the "Not the best, but still a great buy!" bin at the plastic surgery store. Any guesses?

I'm sad to admit, that this is a recent picture of 80's Teen Queen, Debbie, excuse me, Deborah Gibson. Such a shame.

These aging pop stars, always searching for the Fountain of Electric Youth.

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Brit says there ain't no baby up in there

So like, Britney Spears, like, texted Ryan (Seacrest--duh!) on the way home from her awesome video shoot to tell him that she ain't pregnant.

Here's what Brit's text said:

"It's B.S, I don't know who made it up. J.R. doesn't even know what's up. It's fake, completely fake. (The) paparazzi are trying to kill us, otherwise I'd talk."

Then Ryan was like "OMG, LOL! R U OK?"

And Brit was like: " : ) So what's up?"

And Ryan was like: "IDK, NMH. Hey, did u watch DWTS last night?"

And Brit was like: "Yeah, Maks is so hot!"

And Ryan was like: "I wanna hit that shit so bad!"

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Jessica Simpson is sad

In the cover story of the latest issue of Us Magazine, a "friend" of Jessica Simpson says that Jess regrets divorcing Nick Lachey and spent October 26th, what would have been their fifth anniversary, somberly looking through old photo albums of herself and Nick when they were together.

The mystery friend said, "Jessica thought she would be with someone right by now."

Ok, so she's not missing Nick specifically, she just wants to be with someone? And she thought she'd leave Nick and get somebody better, but it didn't happen and now she's sad. And she thought she'd be a big movie star but that didn't happen either. Poor, poor Jessica!

Jess herself recently said when a guest on The View, "I want a man. Somebody who's a really great family guy...Gosh, just somebody who's strong enough to be my man." Isn't that a Sheryl Crow song?

Anyway, Jess, you don't need a strong man, just a deaf one! And when you find one, stay far, far away from your father!

More Scandal With the Stars

This season of Dancing With the Stars has had enough scandal to fill up a year of a soap opera! The were family deaths, (faked?) fainting spells, food poisoning, legit hook-ups, alleged hook-ups, and Wayne Newton's scary-ass face.

They couldn't even get through the finale without someone going to the emergency room!! Professional dancer Mark Ballas was taken by ambulance to the E/R just minutes after performing his cha-cha (or is it cha-cha-cha? Whatever.) with girlfriend (that's the legit hook-up above) Sabrina Bryan. Turns out he dislocated his shoulder Monday night during rehearsals.

Judge Bruno Tonioli told PEOPLE after the show that "he should not have been out there on the floor tonight, but he is so committed to this show and he is such a professional he said ‘I am going to dance.’ He came out her and gave it his all and now he’s made it worse. I am devastated. That boy is one of the best dancers we’ve ever had. He’s a star. I am so worried. I just pray to God he’s okay.”

Sabrina had to stay for the duration of the telecast and was not allowed to leave to be with Mark in the hospital. She said, “I’m dying right now.I know I had to be here, but I’m so worried about him. I’m so mad they wouldn’t let me leave. But I have so much thanks for this show so I guess I had to stay. The ambulance came and took him away in the middle of the show, and I just want to get to a phone and call him.”

How are they ever going to top this season? They're gonna have to put landmines under the dance floor and have Edyta wear even fewer scraps of clothing next time around.

Wow, watch out for that lightning!!

The anchorman rules!

Say it ain't so!!

Oops, she's pregnant again?

Britney has reportedly confessed on a private MySpace page that she is expecting her third child.

On the page, a photo of a sonogram dated November 14th, 2007 is accompanied by a message that reads, "Yes, I am pregnant and I am shocked, almost 4 weeks to be exact. I don't really know if I'm happy or sad. I am happy I guess. I saw the ultrasound and it was really kewl (sic)."

KEWL - oh god, it really is Britney! It must be true!!

There is also a reply allegedly from Brit's sis Jamie Lynn in which she says, "No, I didn't tell mom cuz I think it would be better if you did. I really hope it's a girl."

My old ass still can't figure out the whole MySpace thing (just like the whole texting thing these kids are doing nowadays--just freaking CALL the person!) so I don't know how to check out this page for myself, so if anyone can send me a link, I'll pay you in sexual favors. Thanks!

In addition, In Touch Weekly magazine also has photos of Britney revealing a baby bump (or beer gut) and is naming Brit's producer J.R. Rotem as the father.



She better make me godmother this time, I swear to god. Sit down Chris Crocker!

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Is she/ isn't she?

Sources have told New York Daily News that Lindsay Lohan has been "drinking a little bit" (By "little" they mean two, rather than three, bottles of Jager a day) over her Thanksgiving holiday week in New York with her mother.

But the "friends" insist that the booze is ok and that Lindsay's problem is drugs, not alcohol (because we all know alcohol isn't a real drug!! Duh, it's legal.) They say, "For Lindsay, her real problem was drugs, not alcohol. In the past, it wasn't the drinking that was the problem - it was the heavy drug use. The drug use was way more intense than her party drinking. As long as she isn't doing drugs, she's okay." Party on!

Lohan's spokeswoman has of course refuted these claims, saying "These so-called friends are making up things about her."

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An apple a day.....

A) Keeps the doctor away.

B) Is good for your remaining teeth.

C) Tastes good after a hit on the crack pipe.

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Anybody still there?

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I don't know about you, but it's been hard to get back into the regular swing of things after a long holiday weekend filled with lots of food, booze, and sleep. It's kind of a funk you don't want to get out of. Now I understand how Britney feels!

But even Brit pulled herself out of the funk long enough to make a new video. That's right kids, I said Britney Spears has a new video y'all!!! Here's a picture of Britney on the set. She's the one in the middle by the way (I was able to tell because she's wiping the Cheeto grease off on her jacket).

The video is for a song called "Piece of Me" (no, it's not an Ashlee Simpson cover!) and the video is being directed by famed video director Wayne Isham. The concept? Britney and her backup dancers all dress alike to throw off the paparazzi. They escape into a club where dancing ensues (since they all look alike, we won't notice that the real Britney is no where in this dance sequence! You're a genius Wayne!). At the end of the video, it is revealed that Britney called the paparazzi herself. She then turns on her dancers and hits them with umbrellas. Ok, that last part's not true, but it would be awesome. Man, I really gotta lay off watching wrestling a little.

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Speaking of wrestling (see what I did there), by now I'm sure you've heard about Linda Hogan filing for divorce.


Apparently Hulk didn't know Linda had filed until he was told by a reporter. (Maybe he just didn't hear her. You know how he always puts his hand up to his ear?) Since the news was announced there have been various stories coming out about the split. Everything from Linda not wanting a divorce after all, to the whole divorce being a ruse to protect the couple's assets in a potential civil suit brought upon them by John Graziano, the victim in the street racing accident caused by their son Nick. Perhaps the saddest thing to come out of all of this is that their beautiful and talented daughter Brooke has put her singing career on hold. I know!! How can she deny us that angelic voice and timeless class?

Guess we'll just have to wait and see how this develops brother.

(I realize now that I've brought up wrestling I could comment on current storylines in the WWE, however I've blocked certain things out of my mind, so I'm gonna skip it if that's cool.)

Congrats to Helio and Julianne, this season's winners of Dancing With the Stars!! I wanted Mel and Maks personally but as long as it wasn't Marie "Vote for me, I'm 48 and I have drama!" Osmond, I'm happy. How much you wanna bet Donnie is on next season?

This makes Julianne a two-time champion!! Sadly however, this means that next season she'll be paired up (also referred to as "Burked") with some geriatric leadfoot so enjoy it now Julianne!!

In related news, Helio has split up with his fiancee leading to speculation that rumors of a relationship with partner Julianne may be true. SCANDAL!