Friday, March 16, 2007

Madonna - 1, Nanny - 0

' LOS ANGELES - Tales of "Madonna Dearest" will remain under wraps - at least for now.

Crown Publishing pulled the plug on a reportedly "explosive" tell-all being penned by the pop superstar's former nanny, Melissa Dumas, the author's agent revealed yesterday.

Madonna's lawyers had reportedly pressured the publisher to drop "Live to Tell: My Life as Madonna's Nanny." The book was expected to dish on the singer's marriage to film director Guy Ritchie, her alleged ironfisted household rules and the controversial adoption of Malawian son David Banda, according to reports.

"I deeply regret that Crown decided not to move forward in publishing [the nanny's] book," agent Sharlene Martin of Encino, Calif., said in a statement. '

You go Madge! Cruise that bitch!

Expect to see Melissa Dumas popping up on every entertainment show with "exclusive tell-all" interviews.

Everyone relax, Sinbad is alive

Speaking of people coming back from the dead-


' If Sinbad was looking for new comic material, he may have found it after being killed off by the online encyclopedia Wikipedia.

Fueled by a posting on the site last Saturday that he was no longer among the living, the robust 50-year-old actor-comedian got a call from his daughter, bringing the report to his attention, Sinbad tells the Associated Press.

This was followed by grieving phone calls, text messages and e-mails – hundreds of them, he says.

Once the news quieted down it only started up again, this time after someone updated the Wikipedia Sinbad entry to say he had passed away from a heart attack.

Still not true. "Saturday I rose from the dead and then died again," the Los Angeles-based entertainer tells the AP. '

Wikipedia has since corrected the item, changing the "Sinbad has died" part to "Sinbad's career has died".

What the hell is wrong with you Nikki Sixx?

Well this just sucks.

Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue has denied reports that the very, very awesome Christopher Walken will play Ozzy Osborne in The Dirt, the movie adaptation of the book about the band.

Nikki said to MTV News, "I think he had a couple drinks and it got blown out of proportion. I believe, as everyone else believes, that it's going to be [cast with] unknowns."

Nikki then blows some smoke up his own ass by adding, "It's a really important story... [It's] the story of survival. Everybody who reads the script feels an emotional connection to it."

Then Nikki went on to tell the story about how he died and came back from the dead after an overdose for the 2,080,596th time, referring to himself in the third person.

I'm pissed at you Nikki Sixx!! Obviously, if the great Christopher Walken was talking about playing Ozzy, he was definitely interested and you're turning him away in favor of some "unknown?" Are you doing the drugs again? You get unknowns when you can't get the real actors dumbass! I guess Ashton Kutcher won't be playing Tommy Lee now either. This movie could have been awesome, but now it's gonna be more like a VH1 biopic, probably not even be as good as the MC Hammer one. I'm sore disappointed in you Nikki Sixx. Christopher Fucking Walken man!



Hey Nikki, I'm unknown. I know you'll need lots of groupies in this movie!
(But I ain't being the one in the closet--that was just wrong.) Call me!


Thursday, March 15, 2007

We get it: You guys are sick fucks

' March 15, 2007 -- THE people who dole out ratings at the Motion Picture Assn. of America just might flip out when they see "Grindhouse," Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez's tribute to the ultraviolent, nudity-drenched pictures that once screened 'round the clock in the grungy movie palaces of 42nd Street. The Weinstein Company, which is releasing the picture April 6 through its Dimension Films arm, needs an R rating for the flick to get into mainstream theaters. But, "some of it is so graphic and outrageous for a major Hollywood studio, there's no question it's headed for an NC-17 without big cuts," says a Page Six operative, who got a sneak peek at the most over-the-top footage.

"Grindhouse" is actually two short movies - one directed by Tarantino, the other by Rodriguez - with an intermission between them. During the break, a series of fake trailers will be shown for such fictitious titles as "Werewolf Women of the SS," directed by Rob Zombie. "In one scene, a cute, topless girl is roughly tied down on a table by evil female Nazi experimenters who begin draining her blood and, as she screams in agony, they brand her like livestock with a coal-hot steel swastika," our source said. "And every girl in the Nazi concentration camp is topless." Another trailer, directed by Eli Roth, of "Hostel" fame, is called "Thanksgiving," in which a town's celebration of Turkey Day is interrupted by a mad slasher. "There's a part where Jordan Ladd [daughter of Cheryl Ladd of 'Charlie's Angels'] is in a car with her boyfriend and giving him [oral sex] when she lovingly reaches to stroke his hair and discovers his neck is just a bloody stump - some maniac had just cut off his head while she was in the act." Later, a frisky cheerleader climbs onto a trampoline and begins stripping naked as she jumps up and down until she does a split and her skirt blows up without panties underneath. "You get the full 'Britney Spears-getting-out-of-the-limo view,' " our source says. Another jolting scene shows a grossly obese man chewing on a baby. How much of these moviegoers will end up seeing is anybody's guess. "Some cuts definitely will have to be made. There's no question," conceded one studio insider. A Dimension rep declined comment. '

Blood-draining, headless head, baby-eating. YAWN! Hey guys, here's a concept: why not make a movie that's actually scary?

PS - For a much better baby-eating flick, I recommend:

Britney, Britney , Britney!!!

Justin doesn't care about Britney Spears.

This came from the National Enquirer magazine: so take it with a grain of salt, or a vegetable oil purge or whatever.

So a source said "Justin was coming out of his agent's office when a woman approached him. She scolded him 'Why won't you help her out? I've read she's still in love with you. Can't you just try?' "Justin exploded and yelled back 'Why does everyone keep telling me I have to take care of Britney? Britney, Britney, Britney! She's an ex girlfriend! Doesn't anyone get it? "'We're not together anymore. I am so totally over her!' "And he stormed off."

Justin then called his mom and cried and whined.

If it's true, I can understand where Timberfuck is coming from. He doesn't have to answer for Britney anymore. Although, he may be what set off the crazy. Plus, Cameron went a little nutty after he dumped her too, so maybe there's something to it.


Wolfgang Puck may have gotten more people sick

Drew Barrymore, Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant, among others, may have contracted Hepatitis A at the Wolfgang Puck catered premiere party for the film Music and Lyrics on February 7 thanks to that cook with Hepatitis A. This is the second scare at a celebrity event, the first being the Sports Illustrated cover party for Beyonce (who did not contract the disease).

A letter was sent to guests warning them of a "public health issue." It advised them to get a gamma globulin shot within 14 days of exposure - before February 21 if they had eaten uncooked food. Problem is, the letter wasn't sent out until March 1. Sponsors of the party claim the Los Angeles County Department of Public Health did not inform them of the problem until February 28th.

Maybe that cook should maybe rethink his career path, just a thought. I dunno, maybe get a job where he doesn't touch things that go into people's mouths?


Sorry Shiloh, your 15 minutes are up

"Now you stop being so jealous Maddox, you don't need as much of my attention now that you're going for your PHD and starting the space program soon."

Saint Angelina has added another child of the world to her collection. Her adoption of a 3-year-old Vietnamese boy is now official. The boy's name is Pax Thien Jolie, meaning "Peaceful (Pax) Sky (Thein)." Sounds like something on the menu at a Thai restaurant. Angelina too Maddox to Vietnam to adopt the child (Brad is working on a movie in LA and couldn't make the trip) and will stay in the country for about a week until Pax's passport is processed.

I bet when you walk into her house it's like the "It's a Small World" ride at Disneyland.


Every Damn Year!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Because we need another American Idol recap

Top Twelve. The show - it's BIGGER! The stage - it's BIGGER!! The band - it's BIGGER!! Sanjaya's hair: it's BIGGER! Diana Ross is there to coach the contestants and pat some boobs in pasties, if need be. (Antonella's gone, so Diana should be all set on the latter.)

Brandon sings "You Can't Hurry Love." He can't hurry up and sing fast enough because it's boring. He forgot the words too. Ryan totally sets himself up by telling Simon to stay out of his closet. Simon, of course, answers with "Come out!" Oh just do it (again) already, you two! Melinda, oh just give her the Idol title already, is awesome and makes everybody stand up and cry--but she still can't believe people think she's good. "Me?" Girl, if it's an act, drop it. If it's real, get a clue. I'm totally over Chris Sligh. He took off the glasses and mixed Coldplay with Endless Love -two things he should never, ever, do again. Ryan tries to play Pass The Gay Innuendo with Chris and asks him if he's dreamed of singing a Diana Ross song on a huge stage since he was a little boy. Simon, thankfully, doesn't take the bait this time. Diana Ross tells Gina to
pronounciate, not to be confused with enunciate, every word. Unfortunately Gina has trouble with both because she has a tongue ring--but it sure looks super-rebellious with her latest outfit from Hot Topic! MET-AL! After her performance, Paula referred to her selection, "Love Child", as "a feel good song." Well I suppose that could be true, so long as you're not a POVERTY STRICKEN BASTARD! Sanjaya......
Moving on, Haley sings "Missing You, " which Miss Ross reminds her, is about missing someone who DIED, not your fiancee,
Haley! Randy and Paula make Haley cry, but Simon begs to diffah and even remembers her name (He even pauses, pleased with himself, and looks at her like she should be sooo grateful. I bet he gives Ryan the same look, you know, after.) because we need a sweet, pretty, white girl! Phil Stacey, aka Batboy (I didn't come up with that but now every time I see him, I can't not think of that!), sings"I'm Going to Make You Love Me." He doesn't succeed. Lakisha Jones, who will from here on out be called Kiki, does a really good job of not oversinging "God Bless the Child." I'm still not on the train. But I am still riding The Blake Lewis Express. He changes up "You Keep Me Hangin' On" with some beats, a Casio, and strobe lights. Everyone's all "what an original and current take on a classic!" Kim Wilde throws her remote at the tv. But Blake rules and could beat my box any day, if he's into that kind of thing. Stephanie Edwards sings the boring part of "Love Hangover" and gets scolded for it. Chris Timberlake sings really, really, really high and is the first contestant this season to try (note I said "try") to work the platform behind the judges. Jordin Sparks is the only contestant worthy enough to take on Melinda and Kiki, according to Simon anyway.

Tonight, Diana Ross performs, the upcoming charity show is pimped, more gay cracks between Simon and Ryan, the kids make a godawful "music video" for the sponsors, and Brandon, Phil, or Haley goes home.

Star Rules! Check out their new cover:

I wonder what she did. Spoke without being spoken to? Took L. Ron Hubbard's name in vain? Made a mess in her cage? Wore heels? Walked in on Tom and Rob Thomas?

Whatever it was, it must have been bad. Vegetable Oil Purge?

Donna Martin Procreates!

Tori Spelling and husband Dean McDermott welcomed their first child together, Liam Aaron McDermott on Tuesday. Liam weighed in at 6 lbs, 6 oz.

Candy Spelling was at the hospital and told PEOPLE "Words can't describe the joy and elation I feel at this truly happy event. I am looking forward to doting on my new little grandson and all the memorable fun that comes with it."

Congrats Jason, everyone will hear of your band now!

Guess what y'all? Britney's in love again! Her new guy is named Jason Filyaw. He's 33 and the lead guitarist of some band called Riva. They met at the AA meetings Brit's been attending on outings from rehab (still don't get that one).

A source told the National Enquirer "Britney adores Jason. He's been a tower of strength for her at the lowest point in her life. She's convinced Jason can help her through rehab because, as an alcoholic, he's been through the same thing."

They even have pet names for each other: Jason calls Britney "Sugar", "Kitten" and "My Lady" while Britney calls Jason "Mr. Secret Underground Guy" (not so much anymore) and "J-Sun" (followed by "wax on, wax off" I'm sure). Britney is allegedly so smitten with Jason that she is planning to move with him as soon as she gets out of rehab. Because that's the healthy thing to do when you are attempting sobriety and sanity. These two are gonna last forever!

So this is the best I could do as far as finding a picture of this guy. I'm not sure if he's the Santino-looking-one, the-Dante-from-Clerks-looking-one, or the-Must-Be-So-Ugly-They-Made-Him-Stand-A-Mile-Away-looking-one :

Didn't I see this on Rock and Roll Confidential yesterday? I think it said something like "Jeremy was in despair after the band's van broke down in the snow on the way to their gig at Starbucks."


She's so classy!

PAGE SIX has an item today that Mischa Baron was out at a SoHo bar recently and got a little too drunk so she ran outside and barfed all over the shoes of several people that were outside smoking, including [almost] Jaime-Lynn Sigler. I'd love to see a video of this. For now I guess I'll just have to watch that scene in the Sixth Sense.

Seriously, enough

I feel bad cause everyone's picking on the kid, but I can't take it anymore. Please America, make it stop!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Lindsay ran over some dude, or did she?

A photographer has accused Lindsay Lohan of running him over in New York, but she says he's faking it more than Tom and Katie on their wedding night!

Witnesses say Lindsay rolled her BMW toward the guy, who then dropped to the ground and started writhing. Lindsay left in her bodyguard's car but later was called back by the police for questioning. The photographer was taken to St. Luke's hospital and the extent of his "injuries" is unknown at this point.

I could just see this happening. It was probably an afterthought ("Oohh, rich moron that can't drive!") and he dropped down a couple seconds too late and then oversold it to compensate. Can't blame the guy for tryin' though.



Many bands create them, but this is the first recorded proof of a Vortex of Suck

So I was looking for pictures from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony last night to caption and stumbled on this awesome site called Rock and Roll Confidential.

I can't believe this is the first time I've seen this. They have this page called the "Hall of Douchebags" where they show various aspiring bands' promotional photos and make fun of them. It's like that site with the recipe cards but with bands. I nearly pissed myself on a couple of them. Enjoy!


The word of the day is "lasciviously"

Sad that now that Antonella's gone, there's no good Idol scandal? Fear not. Former contestant Mario Vasquez (the one that dropped out for "personal reasons" in Season 4) is being named in a lawsuit by a man named Magdaleno Olmos. Olmos claims Vasquez sexually harassed him.

Olmos was an assistant accountant for Fremantle Media, the company that produces American Idol.

TMZ got a hold of the lawsuit. Here's some highlights:

"Vazquez stared lasciviously, smiled lasciviously ... and on one occasion followed him into a bathroom ... knocked on the door of the plaintiff's stall and made eye contact through the space in the stall door."

[Vazquez] "started to rub his genitals over his pants. Attempting to leave the bathroom, Olmos opened the door of the stall and saw Vazquez standing in front of him with his pants down masturbating."

Vazquez pushed Olmos "further into the stall and continued masturbating with one hand and trying to pull down Olmos' pants with another hand."

Olmos claims that he tried to "cover his body with his hands" but Vazquez touched his "chest and stomach underneath his shirt, and Olmos' "genitals" as Vazquez "attempted to unzip" Olmos' pants.

Vazquez then allegedly asked Olmos "if he wanted oral sex."

Olmos claims that as he "managed to get out of the stall, and attempted to leave the bathroom," Vazquez, grabbed his arm "in an effort to stop him." Vazquez continued to call Olmos to come back as Vazquez "stood in the bathroom with his pants still down."

Olmos says that he tried to report the incident to a superior named Eric LaPointe, but when he did LaPointe allegedly responded by telling Olmos that "he was crazy" and "repeatedly threatening to fire" him. A few months after the incident, Olmos claims he was "terminated."


Why is this just coming out now? It's been two years! No one cares!! Didn't he learn anything from Corey Clark?
Tori Spelling and her mother Candy are reportedly working on patching up their estranged relationship for the sake of Tori's soon to be born child. Candy Spelling said, "We have been in touch with each other and are in the process of communicating and working things out." Tori also said she is hoping to work things out with her mother on Monday's Today show.

So Candy will get to see her grandchild and Tori will get her money. Everybody's happy. Except for me because So NoTORIous is still cancelled. Oh well, I still got my 90210 reruns on SoapNet. That Donna Martin is so zany!


J-Hud's kinda behaving like an asshat

' March 13, 2007 -- JENNIFER Hudson might be letting her Oscar win for Best Supporting Actress in "Dreamgirls" go to her head. Besides tangling last week with Simon Cowell of "American Idol," the show that gave the ungrateful diva her big break, the singer tried to back out of performing at Saturday's taping of the Soul Train Awards show in Los Angeles. "Jennifer called Friday and said she couldn't make it," said our source. "Soul Train" producer Don Cornelius immediately called Clive Davis, the legendary J Records mogul who created the careers of Whitney Houston, Alicia Keyes and dozens of other artists. "Clive called Jennifer and read her the riot act. He said, 'Get you're ass out to L.A.' and then hung up on her." The strong talk from her de facto boss evidently worked because "she showed up." '

Oh dear, I was so afraid of this happening! Jennifer, I am disappointed. I voted for you way back then on American Idol, I applauded you in the theater at Dreamgirls, I cried when you won the Oscar, ok maybe I laughed a little at that fugly metallic bolero, but still, don't make me hate your ass!

Monday, March 12, 2007

What the Asshats Are Up To

"I keep fucking that King guy and all he gives me are burgers! He's supposed to be a damn King!"

"Can it really shoot out fire? Can I see?"

"Foiled again!! It's ok Suri, we'll get out of here someday. Nine years at the most."

(Paris and Elisha Cuthbert) "Ok, so if you're gonna be my new best friend, there are some ground rules you'll need to follow. First, I'm the hot one. Second, you can't wear underwear. Third, you can't blame me when you go to rehab, which you will. "

(Pam and Tommy) "Soccer practice again tomorrow?"

Good luck and get well soon Regis!

Regis Philbin is going to have heart bypass surgery this week.

On his show this morning Regis said, "I had been feeling chest pains, you know, and, uh, shortness of breath and all those little symptoms that you hear about. Nobody wants to do it, I guess. And I had a second opinion, I did all those things, and so they're all in agreement that it should be the bypass. And so that's what I'm gonna do."

Then Kelly Ripa joked, "My primary job will be, like it or not, get your pills ready — your sponge-bath nurse." To which Philbin replied: "Why don't you give me a quick dip before I go?"

Ok, there's an image I didn't need. I actually think I'd rather watch the heart bypass surgery than Kelly Ripa giving Regis Philbin a sponge bath.


Trainwreck TV Alert!

Law & Order: Criminal Intent
is once again ripping from the headlines. They are rumored to be working on an episode inspired by the Anna Nicole Smith tragedy starring Kristi Swanson as Anna (I can see it) and Jon Lovitz as Howard K. Stern (perfect choice!), loosely based and any similarity coincidental of course. Awesome!! This is going to be better than Chevy Chase playing Mel Gibson. You know they're going to have Howard be responsible for the murders just like in real life! I hope they also get Kathy Griffin to play an annoying, nosy, Mary Hart-type entertainment reporter that keeps butting in and trying to get info. That would be icing!


I thought those two were gonna make it

reports that Mandy Moore and DJ AM have split. Mandy supposedly, say her unnamed "friends," dumped his sorry hanger-on wannabe ass. You go Mandy, you could do much better!!

After he and Nicole Richie broke up, this guy actually said he "needed to date another high-profile person because his ratings were plummeting." Loser!

Oooh where's Hillary Duff? She should totally date--then dump him. Karma Nicole!

They probably got suspicious when he ate 200 Swedish meatballs

Wow! You could get arrested in Sweden if the cops just think you're on something?

Snoop Dogg was held by police in Sweden last night for suspicion of using illegal drugs. Police stopped Snoop on his way to a party after his concert in Stockholm Sunday night. Snoop and his "female companion" (isn't he married?) were "deemed to be under the influence of narcotics" and detained at a Stockholm police station where they underwent tests.

A police spokesman said "He underwent some tests that will now be sent away for analysis," said the spokesman. "In two to three weeks, we'll know if he was on something."

Hey Stockholm police, I could save you three weeks and stamp: He was Smoking Too Much Pot, Smoking Too Much Pot! Know what I'm sayin'?


Another one - RIP

' Brad Delp, lead singer and guitarist for the rock band Boston, was found dead Friday in his New Hampshire home. He was 55. Local police said the cause of death would remain under investigation until Monday but that there was no evidence of foul play. Boston was a powerhouse in the late-1970s. They are best known for their 1976 hit song ''More Than a Feeling.'' '

I had no idea who he was either.

Richard Jeni, dead at 45

The standup comedian, died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Jeni appeared in the movies The Mask and The Aristocrats, had guest spots on TV shows including Married... With Children and Everybody Hates Chris, and was a writer on the 2005 Academy Awards.