Improvement?

Poor Rumer Willis. She wants so badly to fit in with all the cool brats but she's so rather, um, unfortunate looking. I feel like such a meanie for saying that but try to say she's not like a celebrity genetics experiment gone awfully wrong. You can't, can you? Meanie!

Seems Rumer decided to try a Britney weave. In fact, it looks like she is wearing one of Britney's actual weaves. Other than the greasiness, not bad! I say improvement!

It's called CRAZY!

Britney Spears was scheduled to be in court today to give an ordered deposition in her divorce battle with K-Fed, but cancelled it due to an undisclosed "illness".

K-Fed's lawyer commented, "I was told of a general [medical] condition, and [Spears] felt she couldn't attend." He also indicated he would be pursuing a court sanction against Britney for not showing up.

A new date has been scheduled but not announced to the public.

Anyone interested in attending a candlelit vigil can email contactcrocker@gmail.com .

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MILF alert

The big news today is that Jessica Alba is pregnant with on-again boyfriend Cash Warren's child!

Jessica's rep confirmed the baby news to PEOPLE, "I can confirm that Jessica and Cash are expecting a baby in late spring, early summer."

This one came out of nowhere huh? I didn't even realize they were back together!

Meet the Trollsens

PETA has really outdone themselves this time with their, how do you say, not always very well thought-out, tactics. Their new fur-wearing targets are Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen and they aren't getting off the hook so easily with just a couple red paint splatters and death threats.

Nope, PETA has created the Trollsen Twins. Hairy-Kate and Trashley have their own site, MySpace page, and online store!

The best though, is the Full House of Horrors video where they spliced together parts of different Full House episodes and a character named Futureman (who looks suspiciously similar to DJ's dumbass boyfriend Steve) comes to visit the Tanner family to give them a glimpse into little Michelle's future as a double evildoer. It's actually extremely well-done and hysterical, well except for the graphic scenes of animals getting skinned alive (Look away when they sit down in front of the tv and Futureman pops in the propaganda VHS. But still listen the audio! Have mercy!- Fucking Awesome!)

Screw the whole PETA thing, I hope whoever cut this together makes more Full House of Horror episodes where Futureman shows Stephanie her future as a methhead and Kimmy Gibbler's as a porn star.

HEY LOOK EVERYBODY!!

Britney's still desperate for attention!

PIC

What is Acute Coronary Syndrome?

OH NO!! Alex Trebek had a minor heart attack Monday night! It's ok, he was hospitalized but he's doing much better now.

A rep for Jeopardy told PEOPLE, "He has had a very minor heart attack. He is resting comfortably."

Doctors expect Alex to make a full recovery and return to his hosting duties in January when production resumes.

Get well Alex! Let's all watch this in his honor.

Lady lumps, lumpless seats, and other lumps

When designing outfits for The Spice Girls Reunion tour, Roberto Cavalli was asked by Vicky Beckham to design outfits that would "give her hips". (How about a sammich?)

Cavalli said, "I asked them about their bodies, what they wanted to show and hide. (Victoria) was the most daring. She wanted to experiment, to surprise and be different.

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Speaking of the Spice Girls tour, despite being touted as "sold out," the girls played to a half empty Mandaly Arena last night in Las Vegas. It was their second show in the city.

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Don't feel too bad for them. Especially Victoria, who comes home to this every night:

The Fresh Prince of Hollywood Blvd.

Congrats to Will Smith, who received a star on the Hollywood of Fame.

At the ceremony Will said, "I'm humble, I'm honoured, my heart is just beating right now. I don't really understand it - I'm not used to feeling like that ... There's something in the concrete about being etched into the fibre of Hollywood. It inspires me when I look around and I see all of you coming out here to support me and honor my family like this. It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough, it makes me feel like to have all of this I've gotta change the world."

Oh Will, Parents Just Don't Understand changed my world!

Oh yeah, Will's Thetan Guide, Little Tommy Cruise, attended the ceremony to Will's surprise. On Little Tommy, Will said "I just love his commitment, I didn't know he was going to be here today, when he says he's somebody's friend he doesn't take that lightly, he really means it, he shows up and works hard and he makes me want to work hard and be better so I appreciate the inspiration."

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Hug A Midget Today!

What do you get when your child's a.....brat?

In news that's too strange not to true, Paris Hilton was recently nice to an Oompa-Loompa.

Paris was at Cameo nightclub in Miami last Friday night at an event that featured a performance of Jeff Beacher's Madhouse with three Oompa-Loompa characters in costume. One of the Oompas, Robin Sherwood is friends with Paris.

Oompa-Loompas are apparently all the rage in Miami because during the performance a mob rushed the stage.

I'm going to repeat that. People rushed the stage during an Oompa-Loompa performance.

Nope, still don't get it. Maybe they were on acid?

Anyway, Robin's leg was badly but during the Oompa-Loompa-Hoopla and Paris stayed with him until the ambulance came.

A source said, "Yes, Paris Hilton stayed with him until an ambulance came to take care of him. ... Paris was great, she was there until he was turned over to the medical technicians." That's it? She waited for an ambulance with a bleeding little person?

Robin was released after getting stitched up at the hospital.

PEOPLE also reports that Robin also desperately needs a kidney transplant and Paris and sister Nicky have supported a foundation to facilitate the operation. They supported? Big hairy deal. They have millions, they could buy the Oompa a damn kidney.

Ok, ok, that's nice. Are you happy now? Even though we know Paris is only being nice because the Oompa Loompas threatened to send her down the "Bad Egg" shoot.


In other Be Kind to Little People news, Hulk Hogan took some time off from his divorce woes to save a Leprechaun from a really stupid wrestling match.

"Don't give any of that gold to Linda!"

Renee Loves Chachi

Scott Baio wed longtime girlfriend and babymama Renee Sloan in Los Angeles on Saturday.

The ceremony was taped for Scott's reality show on VH1, Scott Baio is 45... and Single. The second season premieres next month. This, of course, means the relationship is doomed. (Newlyweds, Meet the Barkers, Till Death Do Us Part:Carmen & Dave, Hogan Knows Best, My Fair Brady--you know that's coming, etc, etc, etc)

I mean, um, CONGRATS!

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Mother of the Year

Amy Winehouse's mother has written a public letter begging Amy to get help which was published in Britain's News of the World tabloid paper.

Here are some excerpts:

We have spoken recently but many people will wonder why I haven't run down to whatever hotel you're staying in, scooped you up and taken you home for a hot bath and a steaming bowl of chicken soup. (So is she explaining her parenting methods to her daughter or the "people"? Also note to mom: Despite what you may have been told, chicken soup does not cure drug addiction, no matter how flu-like the symptoms of withdrawal are.)

Even when you were only a rosy-cheeked five-year-old singing into a hairbrush in front of the mirror, you had a will as stubborn as a mule. Do you remember? (I don't think Amy remembers what she put in her beehive this morning)

You were well brought up, you had a keen sense of right from wrong and you understood the values we always impressed on you as a family. (another attempt to save face?)

We were terrified after we saw those pictures of you earlier this week, wandering the freezing streets of London at dawn in your underwear. All I wanted to do was rush into those pictures and wrap you up in a big, warm blanket. (You and everyone else)

Do you remember on January 14 this year, when your album got to number one? Do you remember how overjoyed your father and I both were? We shed tears of joy for you that night. (Again mom, she doesn't remember shit.)

We are concerned, but we're not panicking. You've got to see things in your own time and I'm sure you will. (Not panicking? I'm panicking and I don't even know her! Her time's gonna be up before she sees it!)

You're a true professional who thrives on work and you need to get back into that routine. (Translation: You only had two hit singles, you need to make some more money!!)

Yeah, I know I'm a bitch for ragging on a mother pleading with her addict daughter to get help. It's the fact that she wrote a public letter (to a freaking tabloid no less) that's bugging me. It's like she's trying to say "See world, I'm a good mother who cares, it's not my fault she's a train wreck!" It just reeks of Dina Lohan and we don't need another one of those.

She should have called A&E instead and got Amy on Intervention.

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NOT Newlyweds (do we care?)

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo were rumored to be getting married this past weekend in the Bahamas but TMZ has confirmed that this was NOT true and that Nick was actually in Cincinnati working on his new show "Clash of the Choirs." (yeah, that'll be a big hit!)

Good, but not enough time

Michael Vick was sentenced to 23 months in prison today for operating a dog-fighting ring and killing dogs.

Lets hope there's a lot of horny animal-lovers in there.

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