Oh Snap!

"If I'd been any better at my job when I was at Burger King in my middle teens I wouldn't be here either, so should I thank them too?" - Jennifer Hudson on Simon's criticism for not acknowledging American Idol as being partially responsible for her success.

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Would you pay $3,500.00 to touch this?

"What a lovely picture. Is it of your bottom?"

Apparently 400 people in Toyko would. Jacko was nice enough to meet with children from an orphanage for free though. That Michael, a heart of gold I tell ya!

She can't use the "I'm country!" excuse

US Magazine reports that on March 2, Madonna was caught leaving in her Escalade without buckling up her 17-month-old son, David. A source said,"There was no car seat. She sat in the middle row, and they left with David on her lap." Her reps answered the criticism with, "proper security measures are always taken for Madonna's children."

Well at least she wasn't driving, but still. Dumb move Madge.

But would she go down on him in a theater?

Jessica Biel and Alanis Morissette's ex Ryan Reynolds were spotted dining together recently which sparked rumors they are Hollywood's latest hookup.

What is the deal with Jessica? I don't get it. It's like the tabloids needed a new Hollywood IT girl named Jessica once Jessica Alba got all serious with that guy Cash Warren. I mean, nobody gave a crap about her when she was on that godawful 7th Heaven show. I can't even think of any movies she's done since the godawful Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. She's got a hot body, I'll give her that much, but she looks pretty much like every other girl I'd see at the mall on a Saturday afternoon. I'm not hatin', I just don't get the fascination. Maybe it has something to do with Derek Jeter? Maybe he's the Grand Marshall of ITdom?

Oh, and, Ryan: lose the headband.

Latest Rehabin' Celeb

Eddie Van Halen, 52, has entered rehab.

Janie Liszewski, Eddie's spokeswoman and girlfriend, released the following statement on his behalf:

"I have always and will always feel a responsibility to give you my best. At the moment I do not feel that I can give you my best. That's why I have decided to enter a rehabilitation facility to work on myself, so that in the future I can deliver the 110 percent that I feel I owe you and want to give you."

Eddie then added: "Some of the issues surrounding the 2007 Van Halen tour are within my ability to change and some are not. As far as my rehab is concerned, it is within my ability to change and change for the better."

I like how he still got in a little implied dig at Dave at the end there. Good luck Eddie!

I still think it's all a cover for her and Penelope

Congrats to Salma Hayek!! She is engaged and pregnant! WOW!

Salma's publicist, Ina Treciokas, confirmed the news to the Gatecrasher column, saying: "Businessman, Francois-Henri Pinault, and his fiancée, Salma Hayek, are happy to announce they are expecting the arrival of their first child."

Francois-Henri Pinault is the CEO of PPR, which owns Gucci, Yves Saint Laurent as well as other successful businesses.

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Maggie to take over Katie-bot's part

Maggie Gyllenhaal is involved in talks to star opposite Christian Bale in 'the new Batman movie, The Dark Night'. Maggie will play the role of Rachel Dawes that was previously played by Katie Holmes. Katie dropped out of the movie in January because Tom wouldn't allow her to play the part because she'd have to kiss Christian Bale (Poor girl, so now she gets ZERO action).

Katie is reportedly "Very, Very, Happy."

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Smoking the pot makes you paranoid

Blues Traveler singer, John Popper was arrested on Tuesday in Washington. His car was pulled over for speeding (clocked in at 111 mph) on Interstate highway 90. John was a passenger, his friend Brian Gourgeois was driving.

After John sang a few bars of Runaround to convince the officers he was in fact John Popper ("No you're not John Popper, John Popper's fat!"), the officers searched the car. They found four rifles, nine handguns and a switchblade knife in hidden compartments. They also found a Taser, night vision goggles and a small amount of marijuana. Here's the best part: the vehicle was equipped with flashing emergency headlights, a siren and a public address system. (That is so awesome!! I'd love to have a public address system on my car!! "SIGNAL MOTHERFUCKER!")

So why right? Well simple. "Popper indicated to troopers that he had installed these items in his vehicle because (in the event of a natural disaster) he didn't want to be left behind," the Patrol said in a statement. Hey, makes perfect sense to me! I know if there was a natural disaster, I'd want to smoke up, put on my night vision goggles, fire my rifle in the air, and address my fellow Americans!

Both men were booked and released on their own recognizance. Authorities said they plan to charge both Popper and Gourgeois with possession of a controlled substance and possession of drug paraphernalia. Gourgeois will also be charged with reckless driving.

PEOPLE

Here's a picture of what was found in the car:

So I guess the guns were legal. It's a good thing they're gonna have to face up to possessing a dimebag!! Marijuana is dangerous you know! This country is so screwed up!

You're just not roit to get any credit

A writer/producer named Sharlene Sullivan is suing Mark Burnett and CBS, claiming that she came up with the idea for the show "Rock Star."

FROM TMZ:
' Sharlene says that in 2002, she registered a show synopsis called "Rock Star" with the Writers Guild of America in which "lead vocalists for rock bands would compete and would be judged by well known musicians/rock stars." In the lawsuit, Sullivan claims she shared the idea with several industry people connected with both Mark Burnett and the rock band INXS. After receiving initial interest from those parties, Sullivan claims she was told to "abandon the project" and "write an unrelated treatment regarding transvestites." [So she's responsible for Flavor of Love!] Soon after, the suit claims, Mark Burnett claimed he created a reality show called "RockStar: INXS." Sullivan says Burnett knew that it had already been created. Now she wants Burnett, along with CBS, to fork over more than $2 million in damages. Calls to Burnett's reps were not immediately returned. '

You could check out the lawsuit here.


I gotta confess. I totally posted this story as an excuse to use that awesome picture of JD Fortune. Hurt. Penis...be right back.

Whoa--WTF happened to Usher?

I have to say, I prefer this version. At least he's not taking off his shirt every five minutes--that annoyed.

Poor Heather's got blisters on her nub!

The training for Dancing With the Stars has taken a toll on Heather Mills' stump. A source told Britain's Closer magazine: "Heather has been through hell recently and it's great for her to focus on something other than her daughter and the divorce. The sores are especially bad where her leg joins her prosthetic limb, but she's determined not to give up."

Heather recently joked, "I'm quite happy to be thrown around. It's unlikely my leg is going to fly off, although it would be quite funny. I don't want to give anyone in the audience a heart attack."
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I wish that would happen and then the person could sue her for whatever money she gets from the divorce settlement!

Oh and, "it's great for her to focus on something other than her daughter.." Yeah, those kids can be such a nuisance!

Wow, I'm actually starting to like Hilary Duff

Hilary Duff is beginning to drop the goody-goody image and embrace her inner-bitch. On her new album she rants about ex-Joel Madden and his new girlfriend Nicole Richie:

" In the title track of 'Dignity', the blonde singer appears to attack the couple who began dating soon after the Good Charlotte frontman split from Hilary. The song lyrics apparently say: 'Where's your dignity? I think you lost it in the Hollywood Hills. Can't buy respect but you can pick up that bill. Always with Mr. Right, but then you have a fight. Run into your friend's ex, he's happy to be your next. Tomorrow's paper's coming out so kiss him fast, watch the cameras flash.' Hilary, who dated Joel for two years, is also said to slate Nicole on track 'Gypsy Woman' - branding 'The Simple Life' star 'sick' and 'shameless'. The lyrics read: 'She lets you think that you found her first. That's how she works her sick and twisted gypsy curse. Talks with a grin 'cause she's got no shame. Enjoy the fame, bringing down the family name.' '
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It's no Get in the Ring (yes, I must reference a GN'R song every day, get over it) , but it's a start. You go girl, lay it down on that skanky skeleton!

No wonder Bobby can't pay his child support

PAGE SIX:
' March 8, 2007 -- WHITNEY Houston and soon to be ex-husband Bobby Brown were keeping it together for their kid at a birthday dinner for daughter, Bobbi Kristina, at Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills Sunday night. "He was bouncing back and forth from the bar drinking with the bodyguards, who were putting back $135 shots of VO at the bar," said a witness. Stevie Wonder also joined the family, we're told. "Whitney looked pretty put together during dinner, but the moment she pulled away from the restaurant, she yelled at her daughter to 'shut up.' " '

I'm disgusted. That's a horrible joke to play on a blind man!

(Because you know somebody told Stevie someone else was sitting at that table!)

Real reason behind Van Halen canceled tour? It's not Dave!

Anybody seen my teef?

FROM PAGE SIX:
' March 8, 2007 -- NOW we know the real reason why Van Halen's reunion tour got canceled last month. According to Rolling Stone magazine, it wasn't just "ego clashes" between Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth - it was because of Eddie's alleged "alcohol problems." The magazine says group members at first "were thrilled about Roth's first shows with Van Halen since 1984." Former bandmate Sammy Hagar said Eddie "was drinking 24/7" during the band's 2004 tour. He's not expected to attend when the group is inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame on Monday. '


I don't believe it. Eddie Van Halen? A drinking problem? Nahhhh.

You missed a spot!

For those of you planning a trip to the Big Apple, you may want to visit the New York Sanitation Department between March 19th and 23rd. That's when Naomi will be mopping floors for her community service.

I want to go and take pictures with my cameraphone!

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Take the deal Antonella!

Joe Francis has offered Antonella Barba a $250,000 contract to appear in a Girls Gone Wild video as a celebrity host!

Francis told TMZ, "We have reached out to Antonella Barba through her family and are trying to reach her directly in order to offer her a hosting job for one of our upcoming video projects. Just like the American Idol judges, we at Girls Gone Wild are looking for a girl next door, with sexiness, attitude, a carefree spirit and a presence that will command the attention of the Nation."

Translations:
Sexiness = Sluttiness
Attitude = Sluttiness
Carefree Spirit = Willing to be photographed performing sexual acts
Presence that will command the attention of the Nation= Not hard to do, just ask Britney's vagina

She really should take the money. Between this and Playboy (you know that's coming) she'll make more than the winner.

Breaking News!: Rosie likes to hang upside down

FROM PEOPLE
' Rosie O'Donnell says she fights depression by taking medication, doing yoga – and hanging upside down for up to half an hour a day.

O'Donnell, 44, says she first began treatment for depression after the Columbine massacre in 1999. "I couldn't stop crying," she says in an episode of The View set to air Friday, the Associated Press reports. "I stayed in my room. The lights were off. I couldn't get out of bed, and that's when I started taking medication."

It's also when, she says, she started yoga and "inversion therapy," in which she hangs upside down by a swing for 15 to 30 minutes a day – something she demonstrates on Friday's program. '


Maybe that's why she's so hot-headed all the time.
(that was lame, sorry)

Captain America's been torn apart

FROM THE NY DAILY NEWS:
' Captain America is dead. The Marvel Entertainment superhero, created in 1941 as a patriotic adversary for the Nazis, is killed off in Captain America #25, which hits the stands today.

As Captain America emerges from a courthouse building, he is struck by a sniper's bullet in the shoulder and then hit again in the stomach, blood seeping out of his star-spangled costume. His death is sure to ignite controversy in the comic book world - still reeling from Superman's death in 1993 and resurrection the following year - and even political pundits, who may see Captain America's demise as an allegory for the United States. "It's a hell of a time for him to go. We really need him now," said co-creator Joe Simon, 93, after being informed of his brainchild's death. '



Let this be a lesson to all you superhero crimefighters: Bulletproof Vests!

RIP Captain America.

Oh well, at least we still have Cap'n Crunch.

I didn't know it was possible to have cameltoe in a dress!

Anna's Final Dress

I've been over the Anna Nicole death/baby/body scandal for about four months now, but in case anyone (other than Entertainment Tonight) was morbidly chomping at the bit to get a peek at her funeral dress, here it is. It's by Beverly Hills designer Pol' Atteu. I had a similar one for my Barbie doll when I was eight.

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Newsflash: Lindsay Lohan has turned orange

Robbie Williams pulls a Britney

Robbie Williams has checked out of rehab against doctor's orders a week before his scheduled release. He checked in to Cottonwood de Tucson in Arizona on February 13th for his addiction to anti-depressants, sleeping pills, and caffeine. His spokesman said "Robbie has completed treatment in Arizona and continues with an after-care programme in Los Angeles." His mother is a drug and alcohol counselor, so she is going to help him with the rest of his recovery.

I had no idea you can go to rehab for caffeine addiction! Although I have heard that sometimes an excess of caffeine can make you crazy and you start ripping off your skin.

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Why?

FROM PEOPLE:

' Former boy-bander and aspiring cosmonaut Lance Bass is adding a new title to his résumé: author.

The onetime 'N Sync heartthrob, 27, plans to reveal "all about his life, his music and his sexuality" in a memoir, Out of Sync, his publisher, Simon Spotlight Entertainment (an imprint of Simon & Schuster), announced Wednesday.

The book will hit stores in October.

In it, Bass will tell readers about his childhood in small-town Mississippi, his experiences as a member of the hugely popular boy band (which started with a phone call from Justin Timberlake when Bass was 16), and, in 2002, his four months in Russia training to be a cosmonaut on a space mission (though he was forced to drop out because of a lack of funds).

He will also talk about his life as a gay man, including his struggle to keep his sexuality hidden from fans and his decision to come out of the closet on the cover of PEOPLE in July. '


Ok, he's 27! For real, the book can't be more than 10 pages long. I bet it goes something like this:

Chapter One: I was born: What's the deal with my eyes?
Chapter Two: The N'Sync Years: Justin, Justin, Justin
Chapter Three: The movie career that didn't happen
Chapter Four: The space voyage that didn't happen
Chapter Five: Coming Out: The shock that didn't happen

Yeah, this'll be a bestseller fo sho!

In case you thought he couldn't get any lower

I can't look at his nasty face so here is a picture of a refreshing glass of orange juice

FROM PAGE SIX:
' ADD O.J. Simpson's name to the list of Anna Nicole Smith conquests. When the blond bombshell died last month and at least three men claimed to be the father of her baby girl, Dannielynn, the double-murder acquittee "said he was throwing his hat into the ring," Norm Pardo told Page Six.

Pardo is the videographer who amassed 70 hours of footage of Simpson from 2000 to 2005. "He said he knew Anna Nicole pretty well, and he said he had slow-moving sperm, and he might be the father." Simpson and Smith were castmates in "Naked Gun 331/3: The Final Insult" (1994), and Anna Nicole was certainly O.J.'s type. His murdered wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, was also blond and busty.

Simpson, who often visits the Bahamas, also joked to Pardo, "I hope they don't do a DNA test on Anna Nicole's baby. If they find out Dannielynn is mine, I don't want Fred Goldman trying to seize her money - or the baby herself." Goldman - the father of Ron Goldman, who was killed with Nicole - has been the most relentless in pursuing damages over the murders in civil court after Simpson was acquitted on criminal charges. '

Seriously, why do good people get cancer yet this motherfucker leeches on? I could just hear him chuckling to himself as he said that. I hope he dies a slow and painful death someday soon. Sick fuck!

Hang in there Katie, you only have 9 more years to go!

Page Six reports today that Tom Cruise has called the producers of Katie's new movie "Mad Money," a comedy about three women who steal money from the Federal Reserve also starring Queen Latifah and Diane Keaton, and informed them that he will be hovering over Katie on the set all day, every day of the filming.

An insider told the NY Post, "Katie's agent, Hylda Queally [at CAA], chose this role for her because it is a female buddy movie. There is no love interest and she wouldn't be kissing anyone or have a sex scene."

Cruise was upset about Katie's sex scene in "Thank You For Smoking" and many speculate that he was responsible for it's omission in some festival screenings.

They should remake Sleeping With the Enemy starring Tom and Katie. I think it would be a hit. Of course, when she shoots him at the end, he'd just turn back into an alien and suck out her brain so that wouldn't be so good.


Btw, what the hell is goin on with Katie's face? She sort of looks like Brooke Shields here:

Rachel McAdams wants to become fish food

Rachel McAdams is on my awesome people list. For one, she gets an awesome point because of her boyfriend Ryan Gosling (Half Nelson- rent it!) Then she goes and dyes her hair pink just because she feels like it and leaves it like that for months not giving a shit what anyone says. Now I found out she's a wacky environmentalist (which is cool, like Daryl Hannah, as opposed to a dorky environmentalist like Al Gore)

She said recently "I don't want to have a tombstone. You can now be made into a reef! I was reading that they can make your remains into a reef and put you in the ocean and the fish can feed off you! I want to go back into the earth the same way I came." Then she said about getting her parents into caring for the environment, "I bought my dad a composter for Christmas. He's so excited (saying), 'I can't wait until spring and I can turn my composter!' It's so cute."

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Asshat Hollywood picture and quote match-up!

On getting a haircut for The Devil Wears Prada, Anne Hathaway recently said, "While we were shooting, the director said, 'You're going to start a hair trend.' And I got so excited, I've never started any kind of trend before. But then I felt awful because mothers are probably not going to be happy with their daughters getting expensive haircuts. I felt guilty! "But I guess it's not the worst trend to start. At least my character was wearing underwear!"

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Of course they were crying, they found out she was doing another movie!

' Mariah Carey prompted tears on the set of her new movie Tennessee after performing a song she co-wrote with country legend Willie Nelson. The star, who plays an aspiring country singer in the film, unveiled track "Right To Dream" last week - and the film's director Aaron Woodley admits he was "moved" by the star's emotionally charged performance. He says, "People were weeping on the crew when she sang it. It's very moving, especially in the context of the film and her character." '


So she's going from playing an aspiring pop singer to an aspiring country singer? That's a stretch. They can call it Glitter Y'all.

For the record, I will admit Mariah was actually pretty good in Wisegirls (except for that annoying thing where she stuck out her pinky whenever she drank champagne.)

For the record, I will also admit that I teared up a little at the part in Glitter when Mariah and her soon-to-be-murdered boyfriend compose that song. Separately. In two totally different places. At the same time. Note for note. So moving.

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The dog said "Yum-o!"

From PAGE SIX:
' RachaelRay was attacked by a dog in Union Square Park Saturday while bravely defending her pit-bull mix, Isaboo. According to the TV host's rep, "This dog came up - there was no owner in sight - and became aggressive. Rachael and some others shooed it away, but it came back and attacked Isaboo. Other dogs were involved, and Rachael jumped in and was bit by one of the dogs on the leg. A nurse was in the park and checked her out. She's fine." '

I always suspected Rachel might be part-dude and this confirms it. You gotta be damn tough to protect a pit-bull, since it's usually the other way around.

Oh, please let there be a YouTube of this!

FROM THE NY DAILY NEWS:

' Oil-heir bad boy Brandon Davis can't get away with his nasty remarks in New York. When Paris Hilton's L.A. hanger-on insulted the deejay at The Box on Chrystie St. Saturday night, a spotlight was turned on him and an onstage MC "ripped on him for like 10 minutes," reports our spywitness. "He didn't even know who Brandon was — that was the best part." '



Comeon, I know someone had a cameraphone.

I'm back.....Damn you Axl!

Sorry I wasn't around yesterday. I was waiting outside my local record shop for the delivery of Chinese Democracy. Axl said it was coming out this morning. I slept out in the damn freezing cold, I even lost a couple toes to frostbite. It's cool though, they were the ugly hammer ones.

Alas, still no Chinese Democracy.

I'll be back in a few, I gotta go thaw the thong strap out of my ass.




(PS - if anyone actually believed this, please call me ASAP, I have some of Britney's hair I'd like to sell you)