Friday, August 3, 2007

Do you want to look like this?

OF COURSE YOU DO!!! Who doesn't want that natural, understated, girl-next-door gorgeousness? Well ladies, you're in luck! Amy Winehouse hopes to open her own beauty salon once her fifteen minutes are over (Oh stop with the whole
"she's SO talented" thing already. Macy Gray? Norah Jones? Corinne Bailey Rae? Ring any bells?)

Amy said,
"I'd love to have a beauty salon. My grandmother, God rest her soul, pretty much trained me and my brother. He'd give her a pedicure and I'd do her nails and her hair."

We were fortunate enough to find a photo of the late Granny Winehouse:

God rest her soul.



Madonna's lawyers are working hard to stop the sale of intimate photographs she had taken with her ex-boyfriend James Allbright in the early 90's. Madonna is said to be "devastated" and is concerned the photos will jeopardize her permanent adoption of David Banda from Malawia (that's still going on?)

Wow, I sure hope the lawyers can stop those photos from being sold and save Madonna's wholesome, children's book-writing image!

Want more? Check it out, I found the whole SEX book online.


Thursday, August 2, 2007

Bobby Brown is nuts!

In a bizarre item in the NY Post today, Bobby Brown was quoted as saying that he thinks Osama Bin Laden wants to kill him because he (Osama) is in love with Whitney Houston. Bobby even went as far as hiring extra security to protect him on his recent tour in Australia, where apparently, people pay to see him sing.

He said,
"I figure if Bin Laden wants me, and everybody is looking for him, it probably won't happen. But if he wants to try and find me for something so stupid, he can do what he wants. I have to leave it in the hands of my higher power. Come on, if anybody [else was] threatened by Al Qaeda, they'd take it seriously."

Well, he does have a point, I'd take
pretty much anyone else seriously.

"See now why you gotta say that? Don't be cruel."

Um, sorry Bobby. It's just kind of ridiculous, you know? Osama Bin Laden after you of all people. I think you may just be a wittle bit paranoid. Probably smoking the pot again aren't you?

"For you information, he IS after me and I have proof."

Ok, I'll bite. NO NOT REALLY MORON! Get the hell away from me! I mean, show me the proof.

"It's this letter..... I can't even read it."

Well that's because you can't read.

"You read it."

Ok, 'Dear Mr. Brown: You are required to pay past due child support payments totaling........' Dumbass! This is a child support payment letter!

"Oh............."THAT'S EVEN SCARIER!!!"

Ok, Bobby, thanks for stopping by but you really must be going now, I think there might be a new picture of Britney in a hideous outfit that I have to get to.

"So that's it? Nobody cares that Osama Bin Laden is trying to kill me? I should just go paint a target on my chest and stand in the middle of Times Square."

Whatever, it's your prerogative.

"Damn bitch." (storms off)

"Excuse me, have you seen that infidel Bobby Brown? I must KILL him so I can make that lovely songstress made of chocolate who has been brainwashed by American culture one of my wives."

I think he went thatta way.

That silly Bobby Brown is so paranoid!


Hear that noise? That's John Lennon rolling over in his grave (again)

The Beatles are getting shit on, literally. Michael Jackson has licensed the use of their song "All You Need is Love" for a series of Luvs diaper commercials. (Sony/ATV now owns the rights to the Beatles back catalog, but Wacko still has a stake in it.)

No word yet on the sale of "A Hard Day's Night" to Viagra.


Breaking News!

Mary-Kate Olson smiles!!!

I don't believe it, it has to be gas.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

I still have never and will never watch an episode of The View

Whoopi Goldberg is the newest co-host of the View! That's all. I can't think of anything more to add because I truly don't give a squirt.

(Nothing against Whoopi. I loved Sister Act)

Pete says I dumped her! Kate takes a bath.

Pete Doherty opened up to The Sun yesterday about his now over (but inevitable soon-to-be-back-on) relationship with Kate Moss. You really need to click the link and read the whole thing because there are pictures of Pete with his new blonde hair making a crack pipe. (I'd post them, but I'd get in trouble because of licenses--Ok fine, I can't figure out how to get around the copyright thing, ok? Happy now?)

Here are some tidbits:

Pete compares the end of his relationship with Kate to the Vietnam war. "I was always dodging bullets."(Oh? Dodging bullets? I thought he said that because many of the soldiers in Vietnam used heroin.)

Pete claims that he left Kate and not the other way around. He also denied he begged her to take him back: “Why would I beg to have her back? (because you're broke) Why would she come back? (because she's crazy) She hasn’t spoken to me.”

Pete also denied that he cheated on Kate. “Obviously there has been the stuff about me cheating but that was after a bad period of arguments. I didn’t cheat on her. In the past when we talked about what would happen if she caught me cheating, I’d say, ‘I bet you’d chop my bits off. But she’d say, ‘No, I’d never speak to you again’ — like my dad doesn’t — as she knows that would hurt me. That’s what she’s done.” So then you just admitted you cheated on her?

He had another of those anti-drugs implants put in a week and insisted he was “clean", but his eyes were red and he made a crackpipe from a nip bottle. A source speculated: “It’s true Pete has packed in heroin but he’s finding it hard to kick everything else. He was on so much drugs he can’t give them all up at once.— it’s too much for him. The way his mind thinks is that he’s come off the really hard stuff and a bit of crack to help him through won’t do him any harm.” (He's got such a tolerance, I don't think being thrown in Lake Springfield would do him any harm.)

Pete claims he is being blackmailed over two CD recordings stolen from him which contain proof of another celebrity taking drugs. "I don’t know who has them but I’m worried.” (I'm gonna take a wild guess here, her initials are Kate Moss.)

Finally, the article gives us an update on Kate, who has supposedly has been taking Turkish baths to “cleanse” herself of Pete’s grubby influence on her life. (I hope the Turks use bleach.)

Now you don't have to watch the interview

News has gotten out today that Nicole Richie confirmed to Diane Sawyer that she is pregnant with Joel Madden's baby.

"Yes I am. We are. I'm almost four months."

Wow, it's a good thing they got a seasoned professional like Diane to uncover that scoop!


Monday, July 30, 2007

Catching Up With the Asshats

I know, I'm slacking again. Ok so wow, lots to catch up on with the asshats so lets get started.

So first off in Do We Care? news, the wedding of Usher and futurebabymama Tameka Foster is off. It was supposed to happen this past Saturday, but only hours before they called it off. No one really knows who called it off. Some say Usher, some say Tameka, some say Usher's mother, some say who gives a shit. They supposedly disagreed on lots of the wedding details. For instance, Tameka wanted to serve barbeque at the reception and Usher wanted a celebrity chef (I'm not kidding, it's on PEOPLE so it must be true) Also, Usher wanted to go shirtless and Tameka didn't like that idea (That's not on PEOPLE, but I'm going with it.) All I know is, good for them! It's refreshing that they realized they were making a mistake before they went through with it and then brought a child into the world. Oh wait. Well anyway, somewhere Chili is laughing and that warms my heart because Chili is awesome. No scrubs!

In more ex-couples news, Britney and K-Fed's divorce has been finalized. That's right ladies, Kevin Federline is a free man!! Goddammit, there are crickets in here! They agreed to a 50-5o custody split of their two sons. So 50 percent of the time K-Fed gets the kids and the other 50 percent Child Protective Services will get the children. It's kind of sad, who would have predicted while watching Chaotic that it would come to this. They seemed so in love.

At a recent concert, a female fan grabbed Tim McGraw's balls. His wife, Faith Hill was having none of that. She got onstage, grabbed a mic and proceeded to rip the fan a new one in front of the entire arena: "Somebody needs to teach you some class, my friend,. You don't go grabbin' somebody else's, somebody's husband's [private parts], you understand me? That's very disrespectful." Well, I guess she sort of ripped her a new one, more like politely tore in a nice neat line, like those people that unwrap presents and go "Oh, what nice paper." She should have beat her ass like Whitney would have back in the day if some ho tried that with BobbAY. But thumbs up Faith, way to tell that bitch you are the only one who manhandles Tim's cojones in the classiest way possible. Too bad you couldn't use the same restraint when Carrie Underwood won the CMA.


The Church of $cientology would like to welcome its newest member, Story Elias, the newborn son of Jenn Elfman. The kid was actually born on July 23rd but it was a silent birth and Jenna wasn't sure how long she was supposed to stay silent.

Just in case you missed it, she named the kid Story. Yeah.


Now for the McConaughey report:

Still shirtless, hot, and active.

And now, a reason for all the new moms to feel really shitty about their post-baby bodies:

Jamie Pressley just had a baby like what, yesterday? Yeah, go do some crunches you lazy bitches!

Paris Hilton has been cast in a movie musical called Repo! The Genetic Opera. The film is set in 2056 and centers around a mysterious plague that threatens the survival of the human race, and things hinge on the financing of an expensive organ transplant.

Paris will play the part of the mysterious plague.