Friday, August 31, 2007

What The Asshats Are Up To

"Thanks for the balloons, but I'm still not letting you in creepo."


"Damn you smell good."

"What the hell are you looking at? You think Zahara's the only one that can stare you paparazzi fucks down?"

"Ok, who's the wise guy in wardrobe?"

"Oh, that's so sad about the troops in Iraq, good thing I'm showing my support with my really cute hat!"

"I like your video, it's not trashy like my ex-wife's."


Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Somebody give this guy a tv show

Hey I'm sure it would be better than Caveman.

For those of you who are not baseball fans, allow me to introduce you to America's newest Sweetheart and the most awesome non-human celebrity since Victoria Beckham: Sammy Squirrel.

This little guy bravely climbed to the top of the screen attached to the right-field foul pole at Yankee Stadium during last night's game against their arch rival, the Boston Red Sox and stayed up there to watch the action while fans cheered and the commentators remarked. I think there was even a slow-motion replay.

We are thrilled to welcome Sammy Squirrel to Asshat Hollywood!

AH - "Thanks for joining us today Sammy!"


AH - "So, tell us, where are you from and how did you get to Yankee Stadium yesterday?"

"Well, contrary to the rumors, I didn't come out of Manny Ramierez's hair. I'm a native New Yorker, born and raised in Queens, but now I live in the Bronx and chill at the Stadium. Mostly for the nuts."

AH - "Yeah, there's no shortage of peanuts at Yankee Stadium."

"I was actually talking about some of the people, but yeah, that too. It's good eatin'. Plenty of beer too."

AH- "Squirrel mania seems to be sweeping the nation, how does it feel to be a star?"

"I don't know if I can take the pressure. I already feel like I want to shave my tail and go to rehab."

AH- "Oh, don't say that, we need a positive role model for our youth! Speaking of, I must address another rumor. Is true that you are now dating Paris Hilton?"

"Please, I already have fleas and rabies, that's enough for me!"

AH - "Phew, that's a relief. Why do you think it is that one-fifth of Americans can't find the USA on a map?

"Because one fifth of Americans are morons. And I'd be willing to bet that a large percentage of them are Red Sox fans"

AH - "Easy there, we don't want to insult any readers, we don't have that many you know. So why'd you climb up there last night anyway?"

"I wanted to get a better look at the game. It's a little trick I learned from my cousin Jose. He used to sit on top of the flagpole and at every game, people would turn to him and ask him if he can see."

AH- "So why not sit on the flagpole?"

"Well, I was going to, but then I spotted this hotass chick and I wanted to get a look down her shirt, so I chose the foul pole instead. You know, kill two birds."

AH - "Good thinking. You're pretty smart considering the large number of squirrel fatalities due to them running into the road and when the car stops, instead of continuing on to cross the street, they turn back the other way and get hit."

"Cars stop? Hey lady, maybe where you're from but here in New Fucking York, they don't stop for pedestrians, let alone rodents, so you have to be quick and smart. The strong survive. I'm no spokesman for the dumbass hick-squirrels of the world"

AH - "Well thanks so much for speaking with us today and I hope you enjoy a long and fabulous career!"

Hey Sammy, watch out for that car!


Monday, August 27, 2007

Vick: "I'm so sorry"......I got caught

Here are some quotes Michael Vick just made at a press conference after officially pleading guilty to federal dogfighting charges:

"I will redeem myself. I have to."

"Dogfighting is a terrible thing. I reject it. I was ashamed and totally disappointed in myself, to say the least. I want to apologize to all the young kids out there for my immature acts. What I did was very immature, so that means I need to grow up."

"I totally ask for forgiveness and understanding as I move forward to be a better Michael Vick the person, not the football player."


Mensa Candidate of the Week

For anyone who ever said that US American beauty pageant contestants are just a bunch of, such as, airhead dumbasses, be prepared to eat your words with this, um, thought-provoking response from Miss South Carolina in the Miss Teen USA 2007 pageant.

So the asshats just aren't going to get busted anymore?

"I'm going to have to call the Fashion Police for backup."

Britney Spears was pulled over for driving erratically on Friday night. She claimed she was fleeing the paparazzi and was determined to be "cooperative" and LET HER GO!! WTF? I mean, I guess the fact that there was a pap right there to take the above picture helped her case but not even a ticket? It's Britney Spears!! The girl shouldn't even have a license because she's batshit.

I don't get it. Are they all immune to punishment now because of the time Paris served?


Owen Wilson attempted suicide?

Wow!! If I heard an actor was hospitalized after a suicide attempt, Owen Wilson would be the last person I'd think of.

But he was hospitalized yesterday afternoon in serious condition after an "incident" at his home in Santa Monica.

Regarding the incident, the Santa Monica police would only say that they arrived for a "medical assistance call" and that "a person was transported to a local hospital where they are being treated."

Star said the Owen was found by an undisclosed family member after slitting his left wrist and taking "an indeterminate amount of pills."

Star also reported that after stabilized, Owen would be transferred to another facility to "be detoxed."

Neither his reps or any family members would comment.