Paris is in love and she wants you to be her new best friend!

So Ashton Kutcher's got a new show on E! called Pop Fiction which is basically Punk'd, but the other way around with celebrities pulling the pranks on the paparazzi. Paris and Benji Madden's recent hookup was rumored to be a hoax, but Paris told Ryan Seacrest (and you know they mean business when they go to Seacrest!) that the relationship "no hoax."

Paris told Ryan, "We're really happy ... I feel very safe and very secure."

THANK GOD this is settled!! I knew it was true love!

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In other Paris news, she's about to have a new reality show of her very own and YOU can be her new best friend!!

The show, cleverly titled Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, will be on MTV and will begin production in May. In it, contestants will live in a house with Paris and all her little friends (not talking about her dogs!) and she will teach them how to be her best friend through competions of loyalty, endurance and “girl politics.” (I can already see a Survivor-type challenge with the girls racing to take off their panties and jump in front of a paparazzi camera so Paris will look like the classy one.) Each week, Paris will hold an elimination ceremony where the contestants will receive bottles of Valtrex. The one who doesn't will be told "You're a retarded n****r" by Paris, be forced to pack their bags, and leave immediately.

I know what you're all thinking. Well half of you are thinking, "Isn't 27 a bit old to be using the term 'BFF'?"

The other half are thinking, "Where do I sign up?! "

Here you go, hurry: www.parisbff.com

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Leave Him the Fuck Alone!

The asshats at the National Enquirer are just so damn proud of themselves for getting this WORLD EXCLUSIVE photo of Patrick Swayze still smoking after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. They're also still patting themselves on the backs for being the first to report that he had cancer.

And if that's not enough to make you want to puke, check out the title above the picture -"SWAYZE: CHEMOTHERAPY AND CIGARETTES HIS LAST DAYS"

There's two more EXCLUSIVE! photos here and they even watermark it with their logo so everyone can see who had them first!

Yes, the fact that he was a 3-pack a day smoker might have something to do with the fact that he has cancer now, but is this really necessary?

Let him cope with this however he's gonna cope with it and stop being so fucking proud of yourselves for reporting someone else's battle with death FIRST!


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Steve-O is insane

No, he really is. He was checked into a mental health hospital and placed on a 72-hour hold which his since been extended to 14 days.

Steve was arrested on March 3rd after a dispute with a neighbor. Soon after that, he taught the world to juggle on the video above. If that didn't set off enough alarms, Steve then emailed some of his friends suicide notes. In them, he blamed a broken relationship for the reason he wanted to end his life.

On Sunday his bodyguard and a woman friend brought him to the hospital, where an insider says he caused a major scene, "Steve started flipping out. He told doctors he wanted to hurt himself badly. He wanted to break every bone in his body one by one."

A source at the treatment facility told Star Magazine, "Steve is stabilized on meds at this point. He was also treated for burns on his skin as if he had been putting cigarettes out on his own body."

Today Steve posted the following message on his blog:

"You should all know I am in the looney bin. They call it "code 5150," that means psycho,legally, f*ckin bat-sh*t, certifiably. I'm outta my mind, believe-you-me. How'd I get this way? How can this be? It's gotten so bad there's nothing left of me."

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Has this been bugging anybody else?

Back to Dick's Caberet--I mean the Pizza Bistro

"So David, do you do private lapdances?"

As I predicted, David Hernandez was booted from American Idol last night.

See, it's like this. America can handle strippers (see Nikki McKibbon), just not GAY strippers. Let this be a lesson.


And Kristy Lee Cook lives on to kill another Beatles song next week.

Just in case anyone has forgotten, here is what millions of asshats thought was better than David:



Anyone that voted for her should be ashamed of themselves but they're probably just happy that queer is gone.

You can't make this shit up!

Police were called to the home of a 35-year old woman in Wichita, Kansas after her boyfriend called them because "there was something wrong." Well yeah!! She had been sitting on the toilet for TWO YEARS! Good thing that guy was so bright and figured out something was wasn't right! It's hard to see those things sometimes, you know? But this guy was sharp as a tack!

When authorities arrived they found that the woman's skin had grown around the seat! Her legs also reportedly looked like they had atrophied. She told police that she didn't need any help and did not want to leave,but finally agreed to get off the pot and go to the hospital for evaluation. They pried the seat off the toilet with a crowbar and she went with the seat literally stuck to her ass! It had to be removed at the hospital.

Her Mensa candidate boyfriend told investigators that he brought her food and water and asked her every day to come out to which she'd reply "maybe tomorrow." Apparently he was cool with that answer. FOR TWO YEARS!

The names of the woman and her intellectually gifted boyfriend were not released but the home in which she was found was listed in public records as the residence of Kory McFarren.

I saved the best part for last. The name of the Ness County Sheriff that was called to the home? Sheriff Bryan Whipple! I shit you not! (no pun intended)

Hey lady, next time: Pintos and Cheese from Taco Bell. Works every time!

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Asshat Idol!!

Last night the American Idol top twelve performed Beatles songs on the NEWER! BIGGER! FASTER! HARDER! new set!!

Here are the high (and low)lights:


MOST AWESOME PERFORMANCE:



I'm just not sure if the award should go to Chikezie or Ryan Seacrest. I didn't even miss Danny Noriega because this was so amazing!




MOST AWESOMELY BAD PERFORMANCE:



John and George rolled over in their graves.
Paul and Ringo made a mental note to roll over in their graves .



YOU CAN'T NOT LOVE THIS GOODY-TWO SHOES BITCH!:



Yes, I cried, and if you didn't there's something wrong with you.



THIS GUY'S LIKE CRACK:



Every week I want more Cook(ies)! Last night, I think I may have wanted to have his babies. What the hell is going on? Is it the hair? Is there power in it like Sanjaya's?


WHAT HAPPENED?:



This is all the judges fault for declaring him the Chosen One!


GOING HOME:



David Hernandez (a.k.a: the guy on American Idol that was a stripper at a gay nightclub)performed this song last night, but I much prefer Tiffany's version. ( If David doesn't go home tonight, it will be Syesha. )



I was gonna post Jason Castro's, but then I got high.

What the hell happend to Meg Ryan's face?

Hey Mr. Winehouse , I've got some great swampland in Jersey....

Amy's dad, Mitch Winehouse insists that, despite rumored recent drug binges and accounts of hotel trashing, his daughter is on the straight and narrow.

Why is he so sure?

Because she's with Kelly Osbourne of course! Who happens to be a drug counselor. What, you didn't know?

Mitch told Closer magazine, "Staying out til 5am is what people her age do, she hasn't relapsed. If she's with Kelly there's no relapse. Kelly's a drug counselor, so Amy's completely safe with her."

Makes perfect sense to me!

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This is a photo of:

A) SANJAYA! playing a Bat Mitzvah in Long Island.

B) SANJAYA! using his mystical powers to open the Hellmouth on an unsuspecting audience, thus carrying out his master plan of taking over the world!!! MUHAHAH!!!

C) SANJAYA! performing the YMCA for a banker's convention.



(It's B stupid!)

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Congrats Madge!

Madonna was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last night in New York City along with John Mellencamp, Canadian songwriter Leonard Cohen, the instrumental band the Ventures, and The Dave Clark Five.

(YouTube links won't work for some reason, so click on the text to view clips)

She was inducted by Timberfuck, who I begrudgingly have to give credit to, because he did a decent job (did we really need two Britney jokes though?).

Madonna decided to be from Michigan last night during her speech, though Madge creeps in every now and then.

Then Iggy Pop (who was snubbed by the Hall of Fame) performed. Um . And check out how the staged the backstage exchange between Iggy and Madonna looks!

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Everybody loves to sing Guns N' Roses!

Any why wouldn't they since GN'R are the best band EVER! They NEED a Guns N' Roses theme night on American Idol!! (and if they do, they need to bring back Danny Noriega!)

A couple days ago I posted a clip of Carrie Underwood getting her Axl on during a recent concert. Now here's Pink getting hers on--along with getting on the dude from Metal Skool or Steel Panther or whatever they're called. It's pretty fun but the best part is her face at the end when they tell her she's "way better than Ashlee Simpson."