Stuff we really, really didn't need to know

Britney Spears has reportedly been receiving regular colonic sessions at a Beverly Hills clinic!! Fun!!

The Daily Mirror got the poop, oops, I mean scoop. A source said, "Cleansing a few times a week gets rid of lingering stuff in the colon. Britney's had the treatment before and says it makes her feel great, more upbeat and energetic." And not toxic!!!

Aren't you glad you know that now? How's your lunch by the way?

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GRAMMAR LESSON OF THE DAY

Incorrect use of an apostrophe:

CORRECT:

For further reading: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_apost.html

Good start Paris!

Now get another one and cover the other half!

Mama's Fallen Angel

ARRESTED FOR RAPE!

Poison drummer Rikki Rockett was arrested after he got off his flight from New Zealand to LAX on Monday. He had a warrant (no hairband pun intended) out for his arrest. For RAPE!

LAPD booked Rikki on a felony fugitive sexual assault warrant out of Neshoba County, Mississippi. No further information about the warrant and specific charges has been made public.

My first instinct on this was: vengeful groupie. But then I don't know much about Rikki other than he's an animal rights activist and a vegan, he once used permanent marker when he ran out of eyeliner (thanks Behind the Music!), and that his drum solos are a really good time to go to the bathroom or get another beer.

I did some further research on Metal Sludge's Penis Chart and this is what they had to say about him:

Rikki has a huge "rocket"! About 9 + inches! He's a gentleman. He opens doors, asks if it is o.k. to smoke or use your bathroom, and will go out to eat with you. He'll even give you his real telephone number! Very creative guy and I've never heard of him getting a bad report! Just like Bret, he doesn't like "his girls" to be with other guys while it's ok for him to be with other girls.

I think I'm going to go with my first instinct on this one until more details are released. Not that the Penis Chart is the word of God, but it's pretty close.

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More Scandal With the Stars!

Geez, Dancing with the Stars is more of a soap opera than most soaps. And the WWE! (Sorry, it's on the brain, I'm so just psyched for Wrestlemania this Sunday!)

So first were the Cheryl/Drew blowjob rumors, now Page Six is reporting that Karina Smirnoff was seen kissing Mario at an Oscar viewing party back in February. And by Mario, they don't mean A.C. Slater, they mean the R&B singer Mario that is Karina's partner on the show this season.

Karina's denying it though, joking to Mario (when asked by PEOPLE after Monday's show),“I told you to keep it on the DL, dude. Did you keep that window open? By the end of the show, I will be pregnant with Mario’s baby!”

Then Mario said, “I love this woman! I love her personality! I’ve grown to love the person that she is, and you should feel that way about your partner!” To which Karina responded: “Is that all it is?”

A source confirmed that Karina and Mario Lopez are still together saying, “They’re totally boyfriend and girlfriend. They went out to Eva Longoria’s restaurant [Beso] opening together.” Oh, well that proves it then! Totally!

Please, like Mario (Lopez--God, this is confusing) hasn't cheated on Karina. Didn't the dude cheat on his fiance the night before their wedding? Karina should hook up with (R&B) Mario and give him a taste of his own medicine.

All this scandal!! See, this is why the Lambada was forbidden!!

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Wanna boost your ratings? Hire Britney!

So How I Met Your Mother had its highest ratings ever this week thanks to Britney's guest appearance and now, just like Brit says, everyone wants a piece of her!

Tina Fey is reportedly interested to get Brit to appear on her show, 30 ROCK. Tina said "We would love to work with Britney. I've worked with her twice on Saturday Night Live and she was very professional and nice. "

Too bad The Return of Jezebel James didn't get the memo. That show already got canceled!

Second thought, nah, even Britney couldn't save that one.

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Another pregnancy

Laila Ali is pregnant!

Laila confirmed the news that she and husband, former NFL star Curtis Conway, are expecting their first child together to Essence magazine.

"I don't know yet if we are having a boy or a girl, but I'm excited that I have a life inside me that my husband and I created," she said.

The couple were married last July.

I like her and I'm happy for them, but why do celebs always say dumbass things like "I'm excited that I have a life inside me" when they make a pregnancy announcement? Like when Matthew Mcconaughey told the world how his girlfriend had a baby growing in her womb. We get it. Everyone over the age of eight knows that babies are made by the mommy and the daddy and the baby grows in the mommy's belly. Thank you celebrities.

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ASSHAT OF THE WEEK

Sometimes you tell the day by the bottle that you drink and (recently out of rehab) Richie Sambora was having a Jack Daniels kind of day yesterday when he was arrested for DUI in Laguna Beach, California last night.

Richie was pulled over around 11:00 PM last night after police stopped him for driving erratically and taken in after failing numerous field sobriety tests.

Ok, drunk driving is bad enough right?

But what about drunk driving with your child in the car? Well, that makes you Asshat of the Week.

Yup, TMZ just reported that Ava, Richie's 10 year old daughter with Heather Locklear, was in the car with Richie when he was pulled over. Piece of shit.

Richie was released this morning around 4:00AM.


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80's Night, part deux (songs from the year they were born)

MOST AWESOME PERFORMANCE:


Yup, I gotta hand it to that evil genius. I don't think this was the best performance, but she deserves to be most awesome because that was some straight up Becky Ann Leeman in Drop Dead Gorgeous shit right there. What a little, stinkin' calculating conniver! And you watch, it worked and she'll stay another week for it!

MOST AWESOMELY BAD PERFORMANCE:


Ok, not awesomely bad, just bad. Carrie Underwood did it much better and with way cooler hair.

THE DIARRHEA DEFENSE:


Carly: "I went to the bathroom before and I ran." Ryan: "Did you flush?" I love Ryan sometimes, because we were all wondering if she left a gigantic turd in there. Well, maybe not everyone, but I'm sure this guy was. Oh and of course she went to the bathroom, pregnant women have to pee like every three minutes!

SO WHAT IF IT WASN'T ORIGINAL, DO WE NEED ANOTHER BEATBOX RENDITION OF YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME?


Yes, he was one fucked-up looking kid. Yes, it was another cover of someone else's cover (Chris Cornell). No, it wasn't that risky. Yes, for him "risky" would have been doing the original version complete with a moonwalk. Yes, I want to shoot those people in the front row who sway their arms during every song.

BUT - he still killed it and he rules.

And yes, I still want to have his bigass-headed babies.


WELL, SHE LOOKED REAL PRETTY:


I was hoping this would have been better. Oh well. BTW -Is she married to Ethan from Survivor?

AM I WATCHING A FUCKING TELETHON....AGAIN?


I find it really hard to believe that this kid is 17. I bet he's really 13 and his father lied about his real age and killed people to get him on this show.

Too bad he can't be honest about his age, because if he was born in 1995, he could have sung Alanis Morissette's "Perfect", which is, well perfect, for him! Isn't that ironic?

A LITTLE BIG FOR HIM, BUT GOOD JOB.


It's hard to take on Freddie Mercury, but Michael Johns performed the Queen Megamix and did pretty well. Plus, he was the only contestant that didn't make me feel like a senior citizen for being born before 1980. Plus he's hot.

MOST AWESOME MOMENT:



5:05: "Yeah? Hey, got any Fritos? I got the munchies big time man."

ANOTHER FREAKING SONG ABOUT AN AFFAIR?


Seriously. Her fiance better put a keylogger on her laptop, that's all I'm sayin'.


GOING HOME:


Too bad, I would have loved to see him on Big Band night. He would have rocked "It's So Unusual" with Carlton Banks choreography.

Bored at work?

This is Mucca Chucka, the newest game sweeping the nation! In it, your mission is to help the beautiful and classy Heather Mills get more money from her divorce settlement by throwing water on Paul and his lawyer. Just watch out for the judge, you don't wanna hit him!!

In case you missed it (yeah right, everybody watched it)

Here's an abridged version of last night's much-hyped How I Met Your Mother episode starring Britney. She wasn't horrible, but it was a little robotic. Watch closely, you can almost see the person standing off camera giving Brit her lines. She probably got rewarded a Cheeto after each successful take.

Oh wait, are we supposed to be rooting for her again? It's hard to keep track. GREAT JOB BRITNEY!! YOU LOOKED REALLY CUTE!!

NO MORE!!! No, really, NO MORE!

There is a bright light in the darkness of the rumors of one of my favorite bands breaking up: Heid Montag's got a new single!! It's called "No More" and available to stream here on People.com .

Not as craptastic as "Higher," but then that's to be expected. I mean, that would be like trying to top "Stairway to Heaven." The song does have a wonderful mix of deep lyrics, the "pop" preset rhythm on a Casio keyboard, and that robot thing that Cher is to blame for.

I can't wait for the video!!

Hey Scott, you're no Axl

Well, it was inevitable, and I'm actually surprised they lasted five years and two albums. It looks like my beloved Velvet Revolver are falling to pieces (sorry). Forgive the long post, but y'all know, ok?

So at a recent tour stop in Glawgow, Scotland, Scott Weiland told fans onstage, "You're watching something special... the last tour by Velvet Revolver."

The day after the incident, drummer Matt Sorum posted a message to fans on his blog:

"So last night was interesting. Had a little band turmoil on stage, as you probably all could tell.

Being in a band is a lot like being in a relationship. Sometimes you just don't get along. I guess there has been more turmoil lately, I guess, with the cancellations and all. It has been frustrating, I am not going to lie.

My career and life in rock 'n' roll has come with its ups and downs. Unfortunately, some people in this business don't realize how great of a life they have. Touring the world, meeting great people and fans all over the world. And just playing music for a living. I feel truly blessed. But sometimes the road can be draining for some. Being away from home and family does grind on you sometimes. With all the traveling and different beds. Personally, I love this shit and sometimes can’t believe I am so lucky to still be doing what I do for a living.

Everybody could see who was unhappy last night, but all I can say is let's keep the rock alive, people!!!! In this life, you just pick up and keep moving. And don't ever let anybody stand in your way."

Scott then responded by releasing the following crazyass statement/personal attack on Matt to Blabbermouth.net:

"Well, first of all, the state of my family affairs is really none of his business, since he is too immature to have a real relationship, let alone children. So don't attempt to stand in a man's shoes when you haven't walked his path. Secondly, 'keeping rock 'n' roll alive?' I've made many attempts to remain cordial with the members of VR, but mainly, the likes of you. Funny though — this is your FIRST band, as opposed to being a hired gun. I've been making records (now on my ninth), which have sold over 35 million copies worldwide and have maintained a level of professionalism regardless of how many drugs I've ingested into my system. I have only cancelled one tour during the entire course of my 16-year run and that was the 'make-up' Australia tour. Now, shall I open that can of worms, Matthew? Release the Kraken? Serve... Volley! You canceled the Aussie tour in the fall because you went to rehab, but I won't say why… we'll just let Blabbermouth find out for themselves.

As for our fans — I will sweat, bruise, and bleed for you. And will continue to do so until the end of this tour. However, you deserve to hear VELVET REVOLVER playing… not certain individuals singing along to get a muddied up sound. God forbid — could one imagine if I grabbed a guitar and started soloing along with Slash? That would never happen because I know my place. It's a shame… we were a gang. But ego and jealousy can get the better of anyone. I wish the best and plan to annihilate the stage in the last few shows.

On a separate note, we did an STP [STONE TEMPLE PILOTS] photo shoot before this tour and it was fun, inspiring and it gave me that thrill — that feeling that got my rocks off from the get-go."

Well Scott is a man of his word, he does bruise and bleed alright. Speaking of, he just recently got out of rehab, again. Anyway, it kinda looks he's been festering some ill-will since Matt's statement seemed to be an apology to fans making excuses for Scott (as ex Guns N' Roses members are PRO's at), while Scott's was more of an attack. I have to wonder who he's talking about with the "certain individuals singing along" comment, because if he's including my boy Duff in that statement, I'm gonna half to open a can of asswhip on his scrawny butt. For real, no one fucks with Duff. And he's lucky he didn't say anything about Slash. Even he knows better.

Seems Scott's looking for an easy out since the long-awaited Stone Temple Pilots reunion is coming up and his head is a little more inflated than usual about it. Trust me, if it weren't and if VR's last album did better, he wouldn't be throwing this little temper tantrum right now.

So then yesterday, Slash commented on the whole mess to BBC Radio 1's Newsbeat. He said "Well, let's put it this way — this is not VELVET REVOLVER's last tour." He even said they are at work on their next album. Uh, ok.

So a new singer perhaps? I hear Pete Doherty, Amy Winehouse, and Danny Noriega are available.

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The Dating Pool is polluted again!

Johnny Knoxville and his wife of eleven years, Melanie Lynn, are officially over. The couple have a daughter together (both asked for joint custody) and have yet to settle division of assets. (Word is, he's hoping to get the rocket-powered shopping cart and the shockwave nippleclamps) They cited the old stand-by: "irreconcilable differences. Boring. And everyone knows that translates into Johnny (real name Philip John CLAPP--for real!) whoring around with numerous hos including Jessica Simpson--allegedly.

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FRAUD!!! That's the reason Pam and Rick's marriage was annulled today. Originally, Pam filed for a divorce, but later changed to an annulment, citing fraud.

TMZ reports the reason for the fraud claim is that Pam promised Rick that they would have children together. They mantain that Pam was pregnant at the time they separated, but soon after, for whatever reason, the pregnancy ended. Then the both Pam and Rick filed annulment papers. (click the picture above to view the court documents)

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NO MR. BELDING!!!

NOT COOL!!

TMZ has pictures of Mr. Belding skanking it up in Vegas and it's really bothering me!

Ok, not really. I really only put up these pictures so I could post this: