Saturday, January 6, 2007

For Your Emmy Consideration

Here's a preview of I Love New York - you know you can't wait! I think she's gonna find true love this time. My money's on the guy that tells her "You put the hurt on my penis." What girl wouldn't be swept off her feet with a line like that?

She was pissed she didn't get a free car

Those accident attorney commercials they show during daytime television seem to be doing their job. A woman has sued Oprah's Harpo Studios with the ol' slip and fall claim.

Tayna Milner was an audience member on an April taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show and claims she was thrown down a flight of stairs when guests were told they could seat themselves. (Some production assistant has a sick sense of humor--could you imagine being in the middle of that shit? It would be like the Running of the Bull or the midnight buffet on a Carnival cruise ship!) She is suing for over $50,000.

In the lawsuit Tayna claims she suffered
"sever [sic] and permanent injuries, " has not been able to attend to her "usual duties and affairs of life," and "will in the future continue to suffer pain and suffering and disability." Well damn, I sympathize with that! How can you operate a remote control and eat ice cream after you sever yourself! That's a lot of suffering to suffer! (Really though, if you're going to sue Oprah, you should really brush up on your English 101 first.)

Like Oprah gives a crap. $50,000 is like her annual dry-cleaning bill.

SOURCE

Bebe is Desperate

Star Magazine has learned that Eva Longoria will be the new spokeswoman for Bebe Sport. I wonder if this means Mischa Barton is out. I hope so. I'm so sick of that commercial where she's changing in the limo and her boob almost pops out.

It's safe to alert the media now

In Touch Weekly reports that Courtney Thorne-Smith married some guy named Roger Fishman New Year's Day in a very small ceremony in her backyard. They were afraid of helicopters and all the news organizations breaking with this exclusive so they didn't tell anyone, even her own parents.

A "source" tells In Touch, "Not even the bride's parents were invited. They applied for a confidential license so it wouldn't leak out before they did it."

Ok, I think Allison's back on the sauce and having delusions of grandeur. I mean really, she could walk around with no panties and no one would really care. Anyway, congrats to them and I hope it lasts longer than her last marriage (they broke up just as the wedding pictures hit In Style magazine. )

Friday, January 5, 2007

Hitting that Hole again Billy?

Courtney Love and Billy Corgan attended the premiere of "Freedom Writers" together last night. Wonder if they are back together. If so, I feel sorry for their neighbors. Could you imagine what it sounds like when they have sex? All the growling (her) and the high-pitched whining (him).

More Britney Fun!




TMZ has learned the temporary custody agreement between Britney and K-Fed:

Britney and Kevin will have joint legal custody of their two children, one-year-old Sean Preston and four-month-old Jayden James. Britney will have the lion's share of physical custody. Kevin's physical custody is extremely limited. He will be allowed to be with the children from noon to 4:00 on Monday, Wednesday and Friday at Spears' residence. Under the agreement, Spears can be present, but no one may interfere with Federline's right to be with the children. Also under the terms of the stipulation, Federline is allowing Spears to take the children to Miami for a week, starting today through the 11th." No agreement has been reached on custody matters after January.



You know K-Fed's like "Yeah, whatever. I'll agree to that for now. But I'll win custody when it matter$." Her recent behavior is certainly making it easy for him.

Well anyway, good luck to Britney with actually being a mom for the next week. I hope she keeps it low-key, I can't keep up with her anymore.

Oh! Speaking of Britney (see what I mean)! She posted the following letter to her fans on her website (I took the liberty of interpreting Britney's actual thoughts) :

"Dear Fans,

It has been a while since I've addressed you personally here on my official website.
[It has been a while since my PR rep has written up a desperate plea to my fans to explain my latest fuckup y'all]The last couple of years have been quite a ride for me, the media has criticized my every move and printed a skewed perception of who I really am as a human being. [It is easier to blame the evil media than take responsibility for my actions ] Behind every decision I have made in my public life there always seems to be an apparent contradiction. I have come to terms with that which is why I usually don't pay much attention to it. [Ummmm, A Parent Contr a dick on? I don't pay attention to big words]

The last couple of years have been very enlightening for me and now that I've had the time to be "me," I've been able to sit down and think about where I want to go with myself as an entertainer with absolutely no strings attached.
[I've really made a mess of my career] I am now more mature and feel like I am finally "free." [You may have seen my woman parts lately] I've been working so hard on this new album and I can't wait for you all to hear it and to go on tour again! [Yeah right, I've been partying my ass off y'all!] I would like to exclusively tell you that I am working hard to release the new album sometime later this year, but the date is of course not certain yet. [My record label is about to drop me]I look forward to coming back this year bigger and better than ever [Well, I am bigger], and to also reaching out to my fans on a more personal level. [I'll be appearing at Walmart openings throughout the country] I noticed today that one of my biggest fansites is shutting down soon and I want you all to know that I do understand all the reasons that went behind making that decision, and I am sad to see it closing. [I could give two shits about some obsessed dork, I'm rich remember?] If I were you I'd be unhappy too if I had to read what I've been reading every day. But trust me, I get it. I know I've been far from perfect and the media has had a lot of fun exaggerating my every move [again, remember, it's the MEDIA y'all], but I want you all to know that I love my fans so much, and I appreciate everything you have done for me, so Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! [Please, come back! Look: "Oh baby baby.....]

Love,
Britney"

I hope the baby got her looks


FROM PEOPLE:
Former Creed frontman Scott Stapp and his wife, Jaclyn, welcomed their first child together on Thursday, the singer's rep tells PEOPLE.


Milán Hayat Stapp was born in Miami at approximately 1:00 p.m. She weighed in at 6 lbs., 7 oz. and was 20 inches long.

The baby's name has a significant meaning, Stapp's rep said in a statement. "Milán has been chosen from Scott's Cherokee heritage for its definition, which is 'to have the creativity of God.' Hayat is from Jaclyn's Jordanian upbringing and is simply 'to give life.' "

Stapp, 33, and Jaclyn, 26, wed in February at Vizcaya Museum and Gardens, a European-style estate on the waterfront of Biscayne Bay in Florida.



After being born, Milán raised both arms up, you know, Jesus-style. Scott insisted his daughter takes after him while Jaclyn thinks the child just wanted to be picked up .

Congrats Doug Butabi!

This comes as a little bit of a surprise. I don't know why but I thought he was gay.


Chris Kattan is engaged to to model Sunshine Tutt.

He proposed on Christmas Eve.

He told PEOPLE: "Originally I was going to do something very special. I tried to get Bono of U2 to serenade her. That didn't happen. Then I asked Justin Timberlake. No answer. After hundreds of phone calls and text messages, I finally ended up asking one of the members of the group Hanson. He didn't want to get involved."

Aw poor Chris, I bet he tried the pretty middle one. He should have asked the older one that never grew out of the awkward stage. Better yet, he just should have proposed as Mr. Peepers--I'd have been putty (I have this kinky thing about doing "characters." Oops, TMI? Sorry.) Anyway, congrats Corky!

It's Really Just Sad Now



FROM THE NYPOST:
The once-sexy pop tart was photo graphed Wednesday night coming out of the Italian restaurant Dolce in West Hollywood, appearing bloated and haggard. As she walked out, the newly minted party animal repeated, "I love myself, I love myself."

Someone shouted, "You look beautiful," to which she responded, "I love you for saying that!"

On New Year's Eve, she passed out at the Las Vegas nightclub Pure. Her reps say it was due to exhaustion - not booze.

But sources told The Post that it was humiliation that brought Britney to her knees that night. One person who was there said Britney was taunted at the club by the crowd, who shouted, "Whore, whore, whore, whore!" at her.

Another source said just after Britney had counted down to the new year, one man started the "whore" chant. It was then picked up by several other people.

The star then allegedly fell to the ground in embarrassment and was surrounded by her security guards, who picked her up and took her out.


This is worse than Mariah's breakdown. She needs serious help. Somebody needs to call that show Intervention.

Richard Gets Honor For Being a Ho



From PAGE SIX:
January 5, 2007 -- RICHARD Gere will no doubt be honored to know that the most hidden and romantic table at the new Nirvana 54 restaurant on West 54th Street is named after him. Why? When the original Nirvana was on Central Park South, Gere, a bachelor then, was a regular and he always requested the secluded table. Owner Shamsher Wadud recalls that Gere would show up with two women and have a "romantic time." One week he was there at least five times, mostly with different women. "Richard would drink only champagne with the Indian food and always paid his tab in cash," says Wadud.


I would not want to sit there! Gerbils may be sexy, but they are filthy little critters! Could you imagine all the poop?

(Yeah I know, it's a new restaurant. Just go with it ok?)

Hey Ladies, Guess Who's About to be Single?


Page Six reports that Marilyn Manson will be served with divorce papers sometime today. Dita Von Teese filed for the split before Christmas but wasn't able to get in touch with Manson until now. (Well duh, it was
Christmas, he was busy decorating his upside-down tree and burning nativity sets!)

She cites the standard "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for the split. That translates to "I'm way too classy for this cokehead has-been freak who gets blowjobs from his gothgroupies."

It's not certain who is going to get custody of the couple's two cats, Lily and Aleister, and dachshunds, Greta and Eva, but I really hope it's Dita. You ever hear the story about that time Marilyn brought a bag of puppies on the stage..........

Thursday, January 4, 2007

Asinine Paris Quote of the Day



"Guys see me as this public sex symbol, and then moan when I'm not at all sexual at home."To be honest, I'd rather just sit and watch 'Lost' or stuff my face. Someone told me you start liking sex when you hit 30 - but we'll see."


I for one am offended by these "guys"! How could they not want to spend an evening with Paris engaging in intelligent, witty banter whilst discussing books and world issues? And just where would they ever get the idea that Paris is sexual?

Lindsay to have appendix removed



TMZ has confirmed that Lindsay Lohan has undergone an operation to remove her appendix.

Leslie Sloane, Lindsay's rep, tells TMZ that Lindsay was not feeling well and went to the doctor yesterday. The doctor performed several tests and determined that Lindsay was suffering from appendicitis. Doctors asked her to return to the hospital today to remove her appendix as a precaution.

Sloane says Lindsay is resting comfortably.


At this time it is not known if Lindsay will also be getting the fire removed from her crotch.



ASSHAT OF THE WEEK


FROM TMZ.com:
TMZ has learned that police are conducting a criminal investigation into allegations that R & B singer Tyrese punched his pregnant girlfriend twice in the stomach early this morning.

Police sources tell us that Tyrese's live-in girlfriend claimed that the two got into a heated argument around 5:30 AM at their Los Angeles home. According to our sources, paramedics responded after Tyrese allegedly struck the woman, who is five months pregnant, twice in the stomach and then drove away from the scene.

This is just disgusting.

Maybe she can perform miracles - She changed a man into a woman

So an artist named Kate Kretz painted a portrait of Saint Angelina. She explains:

This painting addresses the celebrity worship cycle. The title, “Blessed Art Thou”, is taken from a line in the Catholic prayer “Hail Mary”: “…blessed art thou among women”. Our culture is deifying celebrities, but in the bible, it is the meek who are blessed, so the title presents a question for the viewer to ponder.

I chose a setting where the cycle begins: psychologically oppressive environments like this one are one of the feeding sources for the consumer, hungry for “information” about the celebrity's private life. I am interested in the psychological ramifications of celebrity worship, particularly as they relate to class.

Angelina Jolie was chosen as the subject because of her unavoidable presence in the media, the world-wide anticipation of her child, her "unattainable" beauty and the good that she is doing in the world through her example, which adds another layer to the already complicated questions surrounding her status.

The "Virgin" and Zahara figures are loosely based on a Van Dyck Virgin painting, and the Maddox figure's pose is borrowed from a Raphael painting.

Ok, yeah, deep and all . But I know you're thinking: Where's Brad?

Don't worry, I found him.

Kate and Owen - OVER



In Touch Weekly is reporting that Kate and Owen have called it quits.

When did they call it starts?

That's one huge Wham fan!


From Page Six:
January 4, 2007 -- GEORGE Michael is a pop perv with earning power. The '80s hit machine, notoriously busted for a lewd act in a Beverly Hills men's room, raked in a staggering $3 million for a private, hourlong New Year's Eve performance in Russia.

Michael's flack won't name the tycoon who shelled out the rubles, but crowed to London's Evening Standard that he's now the "highest-paid entertainer in modern Russian history."


George was so excited about this gig he couldn't sleep the whole ride home!

How dare you ask me to pay you to drive me around?!


From mtv.com:
Busta Rhymes turned himself in to police on Wednesday in New York and was arrested and charged with misdemeanor third degree assault in connection with an alleged attack on his former driver.

The driver, whose name was not released by police, told authorities that Rhymes, 34, (born Trevor Smith) assaulted him outside a building in Lower Manhattan on December 26 during an argument over money, punching him in the face, according to New York Police Department Detective John Sweeney.


Rumors of Rhymes' imminent arrest had been building for a week, and his lawyer said the rapper planned to turn himself in when he returned from a Christmas-vacation trip outside the country. Upon his return, Rhymes appeared at a police station in Lower Manhattan on Wednesday with his attorney and was promptly arrested and booked. At press time, he was still incarcerated while waiting arraignment. Rhymes' attorney, Robert Kalina, could not be reached for comment, and a representative for his label declined comment on the incident.


Upon his arrest Rhymes was reportedly instructed by the officer to put his hands where his eyes could see.

Frozen OJ



From the NY Daily News:
A federal judge Wednesday temporarily froze movement of O.J. Simpson's assets until he decides the fate of a bid by murder victim Ron Goldman's family to get the money the ex-football star was paid for his failed "If I Did It" book and TV deal. The Goldmans sued Simpson last month, alleging his pact with News Corp.'s ReganBooks and Fox network was a fraud. They contend he unlawfully funneled his estimated $1 million paycheck to a dummy corporation to duck paying them and other creditors, including American Express. Simpson owes a $33.5 million wrongful death judgment to the heirs of Goldman and his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson because a civil jury found him responsible for their slashing deaths in 1994. He was acquitted of criminal murder charges. In U.S. District Court on Wednesday, Judge Manuel Real ordered a court-enforced "stand-still" of assets controlled by Simpson and Lorraine Brooke Associates, the alleged "shell" company Simpson's lawyer set up to channel the tome-and-tube deal income.
"He can no longer move assets around. We think that is very significant," said Goldman lawyer Jonathan Polak.


This is good news, but his assets should be being violated by some big guy named Bubba right now.

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

Guess Who Already Broke Their New Year's Resolution to Wear Panties



From E!online:

The Britney Spears underwear watch continues.
By Marc Malkin
Just last month, after a flurry of bad press detailing the dethroned pop princess's pantyless nights of heavy partying, Brit posted a message on her Website apologizing for taking her "newfound freedom a bit too far." She also wrote, "Thank God for Victoria Secrets' new underwear line."

Well, from what I just learned, Spears may still be going commando. An eyewitness reports that Spears appeared not to be wearing underwear Friday night while she partied—and made out with—football star Matt Leinart at the Jackrabbit Lounge in Scottsdale, Arizona. "When she was bending over I saw her white butt," the eyewitness tells me.

Whether or not Leinart noticed her bare bottom is unknown, but he seemed to take a liking to at least one other. "Matt grabbed a woman's butt prior to making out with Britney," my eyewitness says. "He walked by her, grabbed her butt and winked at her."

Maybe it's time for Spears to avoid going out at night altogether. As you may have already heard, Spears reportedly passed out at Pure nightclub not long after hosting its New Year's Eve bash. Her manager insists she simply fell asleep because she was tired.


This would explain her visit to that spa . She needed get her ass tanned.

Math Is Hard!

If I were her, I'd blame this on the botched plastic surgery too.

K-Fed Hits on Firecrotch


US Weekly reports that K-Fed texted Lindsay Lohan on December 22.

The message?
"We should hang out.”
Lindsay's reply: “Why would I hang out with you?”
K-Fed's reply to Lohan's diss?
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Wait for it.
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"FIRECROTCH!"





Penis Envy (literally)



I say just put them all on a boat and let's see what happens! You know how Pam loves her boats! She could make peace, you know, between them. And we'd get a sex tape out of it! Although I would love to see an actual rock star fight. They always talk it up, but it never happens. I'm still waiting for Vince Neil vs. Axl Rose. I guess we'll have to settle for Kid Rock vs. The Door.

FROM PAGE SIX:
January 3, 2007 -- KID Rock wanted to ring in the New Year with a fist to Tommy Lee's face - but he beat up a door at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas, instead. "Kid is divorcing Pam Anderson, but he heard [her ex] Tommy was hooking up with her, and got all riled up," our source said. "So he went over at 6 a.m. with two bodyguards, and began kicking down what he thought was Tommy's door. Only it wasn't - and Kid found himself staring at some poor, startled family. He signed an autograph for them as security arrived, then bolted over to the Paradise strip club." Bloodshed was avoided, but Lee - in Vegas to play The Joint with his band, Rock Star Supernova - should watch his back. "Tommy has been calling Kid Rock and taunting him about Pam, and Kid Rock was ready to kick some serious ass," a source said. Lee's rep told us, "Tommy is aware that this incident occurred, but wasn't at the time as he was staying on another floor." Rock's flack didn't get back to us.

Grab your piggy bank and some rubber gloves, Whitney's Having a Tag Sale!


FROM PAGE SIX:

The Grammy-winning diva is selling off hundreds of her famous stage outfits and accessories, including intimate undergarments, at an Irvington, N.J., auction next week - an event that could earn her hundreds of thousands of dollars in welcome cash.

In an embarrassing financial scare last year, Houston - who's been in rehab for drugs and recently filed for divorce from Bobby Brown - nearly lost her spectacular $6 million, 10-acre estate in Morris County because she owed tens of thousands of dollars in back taxes. But Tuesday's sale by A.J. Willner Auctions should be a small windfall for Houston, thanks to hundreds of her fans, as well as a number of impersonators, who are expected to whip the bidding into a frenzy.

Among the items on the block are 13 of Houston's Dolce & Gabbana bustier bras adorned with animal prints and sequins; four velvet bodysuits with "WH" logos; six black stretch pants; several gold, black, white and red evening dresses; and 16 wardrobe cases.

In addition, Houston is selling off musical instruments and props used in her stage shows over the years, including pianos, keyboards, drums, synthesizers, speakers and amplifiers. Among the more unusual items are a slot machine, a leather whip and a chair described as "Whitney's throne."

Some of her soon-to-be ex's possessions are also on the block, including "16 assorted Bobby Brown music awards."


Personally, I've got my eye on Whitney's throne and this wig:



If I have enough left, I might buy one of Bobby's awards and maybe some crack. But if I get the crack, I'll make damn sure to get a receipt.

From Star So Take It For What It's Worth


STAR magazine reports that Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz have split:

Sources say the glamorous due [sic-yeah, spellcheck morons!] broke up and went their separate ways after a serious discussion that ended with Justin deciding that his days with Cam were numbered. "They had been planning to be together in Tennessee with his folks," says a source. "But he came out alone and she stayed in L.A." And on Dec. 23, as he partied with friends in Senses nightclub in Memphis, the source says, Justin told fellow revelers: "Me and Cameron? We're done." He also confided to those friends that "the breakup is for keeps!"


You know Britney is hoping this is true.




Tuesday, January 2, 2007

EAT A SAMMICH JESSICA!!!



Gross, all these starvedlets should get together and do a cover version of Touch of Grey.

CELEBRITY COUPLES CELEBRATE THE NEW YEAR


Nicole Richie and Joel Madden in Las Vegas. Don't cry Hilary, I'm not a guy, but I'm pretty sure doing Nicole would probably actually be the equivalent of doing a hole in the wall (or that skeleton from Science class), so you were probably better, even if you didn't put out at all.



Jessica and John Mayer- the most obviously together "non-couple" since Vaughniston, spent NYE at a party at the Hudson Hotel New York City and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

[THUD!]



Oops! Sorry, it was a combination of being bored and tired. I'm very "tired".

Anyway, speaking of Jess, rumor is Nick Lachey may have proposed to Vanessa Minnillo.

People reports: Lachey whispered into Minnillo's ear and kissed her neck. The occasion appeared to overwhelm Minnillo, who responded by dabbing away joyful tears. Minnillo later told PEOPLE she was pent up with emotion because "everyone that is important in my life is here. I literally choked up. I'm just so happy."


I was going to make an oral joke about Vanessa being choked up, but this is just sweet so I won't ruin it.

Finally, the hottest couple of all, Britney and alcohol!





Britney Trainwreck Tour Hits Las Vegas NYE


So Britney passed out drunk and fell on her face New Year's Eve. Her reps insist she was just taking a little nap. In the middle of the floor. In a nightclub.

Her manager, Larry Rudolph was quoted as saying: "By about 1 o'clock, she was just done, so we took her out." That sounds like something they say about a racehorse being taken out to pasture.

Full Story

A 20-minute close-up of Gene Snitsky's back would have been more entertaining.



Ok, are we done now? Please? No more K-Fed, please! Hopefully I think they may be moving on now since Vince McMahon called out Donald Trump last night, trying to now get in on the Donald Trump/Rosie O'Donnell spat. Um, yeah, a bit late on that one too dude. You really need to hire better writers (ones that don't ask how they make the blood look so real). Call me.

So anyway, for those that didn't watch: They wasted 20 minutes on K-Fed coming into the ring and getting ready for the big fight. Then Cena laughed at him and threw him around for awhile but then all these other people interfered and ganged up on Cena and K-Fed was able to take advantage of the situation and pin Cena for the win. Of course later in the show Cena got his revenge- he FU'd (his signature move, get it?) K-Fed---just like he did the first time K-Fed was on Raw a couple months ago. Stupid, predictable, waste of time. My boyfriend Edge so got gypped out of screen time because of this shit. Although, I will say, the "We Want Britney" chants were funny.

wwe

What the hell happened to Lindsay Lohan?


This is really Lindsay Lohan from the New Year's Eve party she hosted in Miami. She looks like Violet in Willy Wonka right before she turned into a blueberry.

PS - She didn't drink.

Asinine Paris Quote of the Day



"I have a lot of New Year's resolutions. One is definitely giving back. I'm really fortunate and that's why everywhere I go I'm going to visit a children's hospital."


Um Paris, you can't give back Syphlis. Besides, haven't those children suffered enough? Maybe instead, you could just , I dunno, pay for your own food?