Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Asshat Idol - Top 13


Hands down, Jorge Nunez with "Never Can Say Goodbye." This is one of those unforgettable American Idol moments where you know you're watching a star being born. The excitement of the song, the awesome stage presence, everything about it was just incredible. Just wow!

Yes, I'm kidding.

I just wanted to see if anyone fell for that before I posted this:

Black, white, man, woman, gay, bi, whatever, we all bought into it, just admit it. How could you not? This kid's got some big balls and I bet they sparkle. Not to mention vocal chords. Shit, can we finally have metal night, because I wanna hear him do some Maiden. What
didn't he do? If you watch closely, he even did that thing at the end where he morphed into all the different people (OMG- Tyra?!!) The only thing that would have made this performance better would be if he did that little rap in the middle that Macaulay Culkin lip-synched to. Still, Adam Lambert will save this season from being a complete snoozefest, one song, tube of glitter, and eyeliner pencil at a time.

Somewhere Nathaniel Marshall is crying, realizing Adam is what he failed so miserably at trying to be.


Even more than Allison's great performance and the marvelous faces she makes, is when Simon told her to "lighten up" (on her song choices) to which Allison responded
"It's not like I cut or anything." (unfortunately not in the above video) Love!


Remember last season when Carly sang "Blackbird" and all hell broke lose because Simon hates songs about birds? Well Megan Corkrey has two words for Simon and they are, "CAW!! CAW!!" It was the perfect cap to her Sesame Street worthy performance of "Rockin' Robin" complete with chicken dance choreography. That was some pretty amazing shit right there.


Anoop totally blew what could have been an awesome performance of "Beat it".

I fear for our Slumdog Idol. Also in trouble, Jasmine the Disney Princess and any guy who is not glamoriffic, blind, or a pathetic dead-wife pimper.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

What. The. Fuck?

Do you ever wonder how the fuck some of the things we see on tv come to be?

Like, really think about it?

Like, somewhere in the not too recent past, a bunch of advertising executives were sitting around a conference room table trying to think up ideas for a cell phone commercial (yes, that's what it was!) and they can't think of anything and finally one guy's like "I GOT IT!! Cannibal pigs!" And the rest of the people are like "THAT'S IT!!!"

So then they bring it to the cell phone company that hired them and they're all "So our idea is these pigs. Sitting in a restaurant. Eating...wait for it....PORK!" And the cell phone company people are all "THAT'S IT!! WE LOVE IT! WE'RE SURE TO SELL LOTS OF CELL PHONES WITH THAT!"

So the cell phone company gives the advertising firm the money and they hire people to build the sets, do the voiceovers, CGI the pigs, get the props, work the cameras, and edit the commercial and while this is all going on, not one of those people is like "Is this for fucking real? Do they really think this crap is going to get people to buy cell phones?"

And then the commercial is complete and the company goes to buy the airtime and shows the commercial to the network and the network is like "That's cool, we'll run it!"

Seriously, think about that shit.

She bleeds just like us!

Angelina Jolie fell yesterday while filming her new movie, spy thriller Salt in Washington D.C.

Very funny Jen!

Want some hot Idol action?

Idol really didn't think this one through.

When they selected a top 13 this year instead of the usual top 12, somebody forgot to check to make sure they owned the number 1-866-IDOLS-13. Turns out, they don't.

Who does? Apparently some hot horny girls that want to talk to you. The message goes on to say "
Lie back baby, relax and get ready to met real local students, housewives and working girls from all over the country. Hot horny girls calls free all day and night because we love nasty talk as much as you do," before asking for your credit card.

As of now, the number still has that message. Not sure how Idol's gonna handle this one. There's a rumor that they don't need the number because one contestant will be given immunity (also something that's never been done before). Guess we'll have to watch and find out.

Of course, I had to see for myself, so I called the number, and it's for real. I do have to say though, it's nice to see that former
Idol contestant Haley Scarnato has found some work.


In other
Idol news, the kissoff song for this year has been revealed as Carrie Underwood's cover of Motley Crue's "Home Sweet Home."


Monday, March 9, 2009

Bad Swedish meatballs or did he finally listen to St. Anger?

Metallica had to cancel a show in Stockholm, Sweden yesterday after singer James Hetfield was rushed to the hospital minutes before they were set to perform.

Drummer and band asshole Lars Ulrich made the announcement to the disappointed fans, saying that Metallica were "truly, truly, truly sorry."

James' spokesperson said that he caught a stomach bug Sunday and also suffered dehydration. He left the hospital that evening and has since returned to the United States with the rest of the band.


Ring in a box

Justin Timberfuck was recently spotted shopping for diamond rings at a jewelery store in New York, leading to speculation that he and girlfriend of two years, Jessica Biel, are going to get engaged soon.

There are even rumors that the two are already planning to wed this summer in Italy and are even looking at venues. A source told British newspaper Metro, "They both like the idea of marrying in Italy in the summer."

Well I say good for them. I hope they go on a really long honeymoon so we could get a couple weeks without a Timberfuck cameo on Saturday Night Live. I mean really, they should just put him in the opening credits. As if that show didn't suck enough.


They grow up so fast!

So weird. I was just watching "School of Rock" yesterday and then today I found out that the kid that played Zach was busted for underage DUI last month. What the hell? Those kids aren't supposed to age, let alone grow up to be dumbasses!

17-year old, Joey Gaydos Jr. released an apology to

"Some of you may have seen video footage of me on shows like TMZ, or your local news regarding an unfortunate incident I had a few weeks ago.

The first thing I would like to say is, I made a HUGE mistake, and I really regret my actions. What I did was wrong, and all I can say is, I'm sorry to anyone I may have let down, I'm only human, and we ALL make mistakes.

To everyone who has supported me through this I would like to say, THANK YOU, it really means a lot."

Sounds like he's not letting the man get him down.

For the love of Kimberly's wig!

Is nothing sacred? Ashlee Simpson-Wentz has reportedly signed on to star in the upcoming Melrose Place remake on the CW.

Ashlee will play "a small-town girl who arrives in Los Angeles with a big secret." How original! Whatever could this big secret be? That she had a nose job? That she doesn't really sing live? That this show is gonna suck?

I'm sure an Olsen twin will be cast next.


There is still hope for American Idol Season 8

Even though the beautiful, talented, and humble Tatianna Del Toro is no longer part of American Idol, there is one contestant who will save this season. And that contestant is Anoop Desai!

I really didn't care much for Anoop until his awesome Wild Card Performance of "My Prerogative" last week:

But I really love him now after someone showed me this performance of Anoop's college acapella group:

Let's hope the trend of loving Indians this year continues through this season of American Idol!