Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

That song's about who? (and what?)

We'll probably never find out who was so vain, but now the secret is out on the identity of Caroline from the Neil Diamond classic and Fenway favorite, "Sweet Caroline." (You just went "BAH! BAH BAH!" Don't lie.)

It's President John F. Kennedy's daughter, Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg!

On the reveal, Neil told the Associated Press, "I've never discussed it with anybody before – intentionally. I thought maybe I would tell it to Caroline when I met her someday."

Neil, who recently performed the song for Caroline via satellite at her 50th birthday party, said he was inspired to write the song when he saw an "innocent, wonderful" picture of Caroline in a magazine, and added "I'm happy to have gotten it off my chest and to have expressed it to Caroline. I thought she might be embarrassed, but she seemed to be struck by it and really, really happy."

Why would she be embarrassed? Was he beating it when he was looking at the picture?

Oh my god, wait a second. "Warm touchin' warm." "Reaching out." "Touchin' me." Touchin' me? That song's totally about masturbation!

So good indeed!

Wait, how old was she when he wrote the song? Um, yeah, I had no intention of going into kiddie porn land. Just clearing that up.

But it does sound like it's about masturbation.

Holy shit!! Remember her?

Remember American Idol Season 4? Of course you do! That's when we were introduced to America's still-reigning country sweetheart, Carrie Underwood. Oh, and remember when Bo Bice did that awesome a cappella number on the finale and then nobody bought his albums? And of course, how can we forget the daterape eyefucks of the fabulously douchy Constantine?

But how about Jessica Sierra? You may not remember her as well as the others. She finished tenth that year and hasn't really done much since.

Unless you count getting arrested for battery (she threw a cocktail glass at a bar patron's head) and cocaine possession back in April, that is. Take a look at her mugshot! It looks like one of those websites where they show what meth does to a person over time. She's only 22!

After pleading no contest to the charges yesterday in court, Jessica received 12 months of probation. If she successfully completes her probation, the charge will be removed from her record. (Unfortunately the mug shot will not)

Poor Jessica. Where's a disgraced C-List drug addicted celebrity to go in this day and age?

VH1 of course!! Jessica is going to be one of the contestants on VH1's newest celebreality show set in rehab for "stars" with drug and alcohol problems!! Cool! It'll be like Intervention, but with people we actually semi-care about! May we be so lucky to have Danny Bonaduce on that crapfest too?


Nicole's giving away her gifts to100 needy babymamas

Nicole Richie, who is due is January with Joel Madden's child, is going to give away all of the baby gifts that she received at her Wizard of Oz themed baby shower to the poor.

Nicole and Joel will donate the gifts to 100 needy families through their newly formed Richie Madden Foundation which runs through the Los Angeles Free Clinic.

Maybe I'm just in the spirit of the holidays, but I feel like I must applaud Nicole and Joel for this. It seems they both are really turning over a new with this whole baby thing!

Or maybe they just realized that witches, flying monkeys, and Munchkins (particularly the Lollipop Kids), are way too fucking scary for a baby!


Deep Thoughts with Jude Law

On regretting cheating on Sienna with the nanny, Jude Law had this to say:

"There's no regret. You can't regret. I mean, I've felt regret but I've also refused to allow regret to sow a seed and live in me because I don't believe it.

You feel it, it's like guilt, it's like jealousy, it's like all those horrible things and... You've just got to snip them and get them out, because they're no good. Because if you regret, in a way, have you learnt and moved on?"

Wow, I bet whoever asked Jude this question regrets it.

Or maybe they feel the regret but are not allowing it to sow a seed in them. Or maybe they snipped it and got it out. Or quite possibly, they had the regret, but learnt and moved on. In a way.


Asshat of the Week!

In this time of Thanksgiving and family, the douchiness of deadbeat dads seems to stand out even more. Eddie Murphy has reportedly flat-out REFUSED to meet his daughter with Melanie (Scary Spice) Brown, Angel Iris.

This is the daughter he denied was his child until Mel took him to court and his DNA results proved he was.

Mel and her lawyers have been attempting to work our visitation rights for Eddie in court but the case has been postponed for over three months because Eddie hasn't submitted an offer.

What a turd! First the whole "Booohoo, I didn't win an Oscar, I'm leaving!" spoiled brat drama, then the denial about the baby. He's on the Tom Cruise path to career suicide (without aliens). You suck Eddie!

And meanwhile Mel B.'s stock is soaring thanks to Dancing With the Stars. I love her so much, it almost makes up for being pounded through the skull with "Wannabe" ten years ago. Almost. Check out the awesome dance from last night's episode (yeah, I know. There is a clip of the Spice Girls, but the dance is worth it. And Maksim.) Speaking of, if Marie Osmond doesn't go home tonight I am going to personally blow up the Church of Latter Day Saints! Who said that?