Friday, November 7, 2008

Great Moments in Axl History #16

#16. Axl vs. Warren Beatty

You know how if somebody cheats on you, instead of getting mad at them, it's sometimes easier to take it out on person they are cheating on you
with? Especially if the person they are cheating on you with is a parasitic homefuck like Warren Beatty?

The story goes like this: A Victoria's Secret model named The Evil Stephanie Seymour
was dating Warren Beatty. Then she dumped him for Axl. Then The Evil Stephanie Seymour (allegedly) hooked up with Warren behind Axl's back while GN'R was on tour. Then Axl found out. Somewhere in there Axl bought a really unfortunate blue and red jacket.

Then this happened:

Warren never responded to Axl's rant and is still married to Annette Benning. The Evil Stephanie Seymour and Axl broke up about a year later after she cheated on him with a bunch of other dudes (allegedly). Then she married some old billionaire guy. We still don't know if "You're So Vain" is about Warren or what Victoria's Secret is. Madonna had two children, got married, started speaking in
some weird fake British accent, got divorced, and is now banging A-Rod. No one knows whatever happened to the jacket.


Oh my God, Will you just admit you're pregnant already?

The end of an era

Now that they are old bags (over 25) and their
contracts are apparently up, the Girls Next Door are spreading their legs and flying out of the Playboy Mansion. What? Oh, I'm sorry, wings. Spreading their wings and flying. No, I was right the first time.

It was announced yesterday that Kendra Wilkinson is engaged to Philadelphia Eagles receiver Hank Baskett. The two will marry next June at the Playboy Mansion with Hef giving Kendra away. Awww, how sweet of him to remind Hank of where his new bride has been, if having to listen to this for the rest of his life isn't bad enough!

Hef's ex No. 1 girlfriend, Holly Madison, says she hopes to be a bridesmaid. Holly's been seen out with douchebag and CAMERATRICKS FREAK! Criss Angel recently. Today she revealed to PEOPLE that, "I'm in love with him."

Oh Holly, don't you watch his show? It's all an illusion, he's really a famewhorin' fraud with a speech impedement! And here we all thought she was the smart one of the three.

No word on what Bridget's up to. Does she even know she has to move out yet?


That was it?

Last night, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake make special appearances at Madonna's concert at Dodger Stadium. But the three never appeared together as rumored.

Britney, looking...demure... dueted with Madonna on "Human Nature." Justin and Madonna performed "4 Minutes" together. Yawn! What a waste! Those three could have killed on "Deeper and Deeper", "Causing a Commotion" or ohh, wait, "Sidewalk Talk!" (for all the hard-core oldschoolers!) together. Seriously!

Madonna paid tribute to the upcoming release of Chinese Democracy (yes, everything around here is about Axl lately in case you haven't noticed. Deal with it!) by delaying the start of the show by three hours. She claims it was due to lighting and technical difficulties though.

Madonna apologized when the show finally started, "
Half my stage is missing, which is why we're in the dark. The absence of light makes it very hard to look into the audience eyes and that's what makes performing such a joy. So come close. And thank you for your understanding."

Here's a clip of Madge and Brit from someone who paid more for their seats than I did for my car:


Thursday, November 6, 2008

Great Moments in Axl History #17

#17: Where's Slash? (AKA - Axl is not amused)

It's pretty common knowledge that Slash has not been in Guns N' Roses for quite some time, however some people are still not aware of that fact.

So once and for all, for all the fuckheads out there that still require clarification, Axl will now correct you on Slash's whereabouts:

It's ok, it's ok. Slash escaped. Be careful though, because he seems to have a habit of climbing up inside people. He always gets out though:


Good news ladies!!!

Speaking of people that have non-originally covered "Personal Jesus" , Marilyn Manson has split with his ten year old girlfriend, actress Evan Rachel Wood.

Word is she dumped him after a fight the two had when Marilyn tried to throw Evan's unemployed brother Ira, who had been staying in the couple's guest house, out of their Hollywood home.

A source said,"Evan owned the house and didn't want her unemployed sibling living on the street. It was the tipping point."

Another tipping point? HE'S FUCKING CREEPY!


Hilary Duff tries to be Madonna - Fails

Damn, Miley must be so jealous that Hilary gets to make videos like this to try to shed her Disney image. The original video (above) for her song "Reach Out" had to be censored after being deemed "too risque."

They censored the wrong part! They should have censored the audio as the painful butchering of Depeche Mode is far more offensive than Hilary in bondage.

I forgot half these people even existed!

The new cast of CMT's reality singing competition, Gone Country has been announced:

Disgraced Miss USA Tara Conner:

Monkee Micky Dolenz:

The awesome George Clinton:

Star of the classic Night at the Roxbury, Richard Grieco:

Taylor "Tell It To My Heart" Dayne:

Justin Guarini of From Justin to Kelly fame:

and Shelia E (thought to be the only female drummer of all time):

Should be an interesting season.

I didn't watch any of the other ones but Sebastian Bach won last season's show. Here he is, in his Bret Michaels cowboy hat, with his country hit " Battle With the Bottle" (that would be a good song for Tara Connor!):


So I had this weird dream the other night about Steve Guttenberg jogging naked....

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Great Moments in Axl History #18

#18. Axl vs. his neighbor (AKA: Not right next door to Mr. Rogers)

Annoying neighbors. Who
doesn't have them? This one time, I lived in this apartment and had this wacko lady that looked like Steve Urkel who used to knock on my door SEVERAL TIMES a day asking for random stuff: "Can I have a cigarette?" "Can I have a teabag?" "Can I borrow some salt?" "Got any cheese?" (ok, I made the cheese one up. But that would have ruled because she really did look like Urkel) I often thought to myself, If only I had a wine bottle to bash over her head!

In October 1990, Axl and then-wife Erin Everly lived in a condominium in West Hollywood and they had such a dilemma. It was a pretty bad time to be dealing with bitchass neighbors too. Erin had just suffered a miscarriage and their relationship was strained. Late one night, Axl and the neighbor got into an argument in the hall and it got all crazy. The police were called and the neighbor accused him of hitting her over the head with a wine bottle which Axl was arrested for.

Ok, what the fuck kind of slanted-ass report is that? And also, it was SLASH that swore on the awards show, not Axl. God, Kent Shocknek, some reporter you are! Kurt Loder would never make a mistake like that. Can we just get him? I bet Axl would even give him his side of the story.

See, she was a crazy bitch and she was lying! Axl speaks the truth!

In the end the case was dismissed due to lack of evidence. But Axl did get a song out of it.

Since then, Axl has improved his neighboring skills and even saved his new neighbor's house in a fire earlier this year:


Off Again

According to a source, Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams are on another break, just four months after getting back together in July of this year.

The source told Us Weekly,
"Rachel is too controlling. They broke up the first time because of their busy schedules - and that's the problem again."

Aw hell! Write her a letter Ryan!


Dude, don't call me Dudley!

Hey remember that old, crazy, murderin' fuck? Not, not him, I'm talking about that gun-loving Phil Spector. Did anyone even know he's on trial again for killing that woman? (The first trial ended last year with a deadlocked jury.)

So anyway, in yesterday's proceedings, his former girlfriend, Dorothy Melvin testified that she once witnessed Phil chase down a bunch of young kids with a loaded gun after they mistook him for late actor Dudley Moore.

Dorothy said, "He was screaming and yelling."

Hey Arthur 2 wasn't that bad! Ok, it was, but chill out dude!

Phil has allegedly also chased down people after being mistaken for Clay Aiken:

And Christina Aguilera:


RIP Micheal Crichton

Sad news. Best-selling author and filmmaker Michael Crichton died today at the age of 66 after a private battle against cancer.

His family released the following statement:
"While the world knew him as a great story teller that challenged our preconceived notions about the world around us -- and entertained us all while doing so -- his wife Sherri, daughter Taylor, family and friends knew Michael Crichton as a devoted husband, loving father and generous friend who inspired each of us to strive to see the wonders of our world through new eyes. He did this with a wry sense of humor that those who were privileged to know him personally will never forget. He will be profoundly missed by those whose lives he touched, but he leaves behind the greatest gifts of a thirst for knowledge, the desire to understand, and the wisdom to use our minds to better our world."

No shit Simon

Simon Cowell has split with Terri Seymour, his girlfriend of six years. He recently told Britain's Daily-Mirror , "Don't worry about me. I don't need a lonely hearts ad. I'm off women now."

Um, when was he on them?


We have a winner!

Congrats to Barack Obama who won the Presidential election in a landslide victory last night!

His first order of business as President-Elect?:

Hire extra Secret Service to keep that crazy bitch away from him. (Hey look, Stedman got a job!)

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Great Moments in Axl History #19

#19: Ain't That Fresh?

With all this Presidential Election talk, I almost forgot to post today's Great Moments in Axl History clip. How silly of me! I must remember to keep everything in perspective after all, you know? I mean Presidential elections happen every four years, but new music from our (real) leader can take up to fifteen!

Think about it, the last time we got a new GNR album, Bill Clinton was in office! Well a lot sure has gone down since then and I'm not just talking about Monica Lewinsky!

So in keeping with today's theme, here's GNR's most political song, "Civil War." Axl even dresses in both army camouflage and an American Flag jacket (2:35) !

Wow that was actually some pretty prophetic shit :

Look at the shoes your filling
Look at the blood we're spilling
Look at the world we're killing
The way we've always done before
Look in the doubt we've wallowed
Look at the leaders we've followed
Look at the lies we've swallowed
And I don't want to hear no more

So no matter which candidate wins, lets just hope they have the good sense to listen to the words of W. Axl Rose: "What's so civil about war anyway?" Word.


The candidates keep abreast of the voting situation!

"Thank you!! Wow, what a great response!"

"Man, he's getting really desperate!"

Let this be a lesson to all the ladies out there: White top - NUDE bra!

Speaking of Starbucks:


Shit! It's a relapse!! Oh, god, she was doing so good too.

Somebody call Dr. Drew.

If he's not available, call Gary Busey (it's ok, he's a participant, not a patient!)!!!

It's Still a Felony!

"Hey I'll be able to vote in the next election. Then I'll get a free Starbucks too!"

Chill Oprah!

Anybody else tired of listening to Oprah Winfrey run her mouth about Obama everywhere you turn? Nothing wrong with getting behind a candidate (although I do wish all these celebs would just keep it to themselves) but seriously, settle down Beavis! Even Barack's like "Ok, thanks for your support. I really need to go, umm, maybe you can go do some live paternity tests on your show or something now? Hey, look, there's Tom Cruise!"

Well as you could imagine, she's just losing her shit today. And now she may jinx him with the old "one chicken, two chickens, three chickens" after announcing on a morning radio talk show that she already has the gown that she will wear to his inaugural ball.

She told N.Y.C.’s Power 105 host Ed Lover this morning that she's been planning her ensemble since February with "vision boards" (I didn't know either. Apparently, it's some of that Secret type shit where you paste a bunch of photos to a board and then all your dreams will come true.)

She said:
“So help me God, I am looking at it right now…. Actually I started in February. I was speaking with Michelle [Obama] and Caroline Kennedy and Maria Shriver — we were all doing a big rally out in California. At the end of the rally Michelle Obama said something powerful, ‘and I want you to leave here and envision Barack Obama taking the oath of office’…. I created a vision board. I had never had a vision board before. I came home, I got me a board and put Barack Obama’s picture on it and I put a picture of my dress I want to wear to the inauguration. Last week I said to the stylist, ‘Take it out of the closet. Let’s take it out. Let’s hang it up, and let it air out.’”
Oprah inspired me to create my very own vision board:

Seriously, if you support Obama and he loses, blame Oprah. And if you are McCain supporter and he wins, thank her.


Isn't there something I'm supposed to do today?

Oh yeah.

For extra incentive, here's some shit you can get for voting today:

Monday, November 3, 2008

Great Moments in Axl History: #22-20

#22: Axl and Elton John (aka - Axl Rose does not hate gay people!)

Hey remember when there was all that controversy over Eminem (who many called homophobic because of his song lyrics) performing with Elton John at the Grammy's a few years ago? Sure you do. They performed the song Stan and it was very touching the way they came together to perform a song about a murder/suicide to show the world that there was no hate there. Then they hugged and Eminem gave the audience the double bird. And after that, everything was magically ok. Elton made everything better.

But that wasn't the first time Elton performed with a young, controversial, potty-mouthed star accused of being a homophobe. Ten years before the Eminem performance, Guns N' Roses were under a lot of fire for lyrics to their song,
One in a Million, in which Axl basically uses every offensive slur and streotype there is to describe an ignorant kid from Indiana's bigoted view of the world when he arrives in Los Angeles. Despite much "I didn't mean ALL of them" back pedaling and many rants attempting to explain where the song came from, the band were still labeled as bigots by many groups and were even kicked off an AIDS benefit show.

Enter Elton John (a personal hero of Axl's) to weave (no pun intended) his magic at the Freddie Mercury Tribute show.

Elton John, Freddie Mercury's music, and Axl in a skirt!! Hey, maybe he's not such a hater after all! Since then, they two became pretty good friends and even teamed up again at the MTV Video Music Awards in 1992 to perform
November Rain:

It doesn't appear that the two have had much contact in recent years, but if they have, shame on you Elton for not giving Axl the number of your hair guy!

#21 Axl vs. The Press (aka: "I'll kick your bitchy little ass, punk!")

In another controversial song (
that's what's missing from the new stuff! Controversy! Well that and Slash. And Duff....And, nevermind.............) Axl decided to add one of his awesome rants into a song on the album and call out, by name, every rock journalist and media mogul that ever pissed him off. The band added in some boxing metaphors and screaming crowds for added effect and it made for a pretty awesome fight song to play loudly as you drive your car really fast when you're pissed at somebody. The song was aptly titled Get In the Ring.

Here's a fanmade video of the song with clips from Celebrity Deathmatch. (It was between this one and an anime one.)

If "
Bob Guccione Jr. at Spin, what you pissed off cause your dad gets more pussy than you? Fuck you, suck my fuckin' dick!" wasn't the nineties version of "I hope Neil Young will remember, a Southern man don’t need him ‘round, anyhow," then I just don't know what was.

#20: The Second Greatest Video of All Time (aka: What's with the dolphins dude?)

It didn't seem possible, but Axl followed up November Rain with an even bigger epic production.

Originally the idea was for it to star (the Evil) Stephanie Seymour, but she and Axl broke up before the filming began, so some changes had to be made to the plot. So, it goes like this: The Feds bust in Axl's house, some kids play on a swing, Micheal Bolton and other people dressed in white take Axl's stuff away, Axl is crazy and sad so he goes on a Carnival cruise, then he gets really pissed the Dolphin Experience was filled (You HAVE to sign up for those excursions early!) so he takes matters into his own hands and jumps off the ship and finds some dolphins to swim with, and Slash is Jesus (like we needed proof!)


Heidi Klum pisses off the Hindus

Heidi Klum continued her tradition of wearing awesome, extravagant, and non-slutty Halloween costumes this year by dressing up as Hindu Goddess Kali.

But now many Hindu scholars have their panties (most likely not from Victoria's Secret) in a bunch over it and even feel Heidi should make a public apology for posing as a sacred figure.

Indo-American statesman Rajan Zed said, "Goddess Kali is highly revered in Hinduism and she is meant to be worshipped in temples and not to be used in clubs for publicity stunts or thrown around loosely for dramatic effects. Hindus welcome Hollywood and other entertainment industries to immerse themselves in Hinduism, but they should take it seriously and respectfully, and not just use the religion for decoration or to advance their selfish agenda. Casual flirting sometimes results in pillaging serious spiritual doctrines and revered symbols and hurting the devotees."

Ok, these Hindus should learn to lighten up a little. If anything they should be thanking Heidi. I mean, before this, who had even heard of Goddess Kali? (By the way, she is the goddess of
time and change.)


The Batshit Report

Joaquin Phoenix recently stated that he is ending his acting career.

To let us all know that he wasn't kidding, at the LA premiere of his film Two Lovers, he wrote "Good Bye" across his knuckles.

When asked about his decision, Joaquin said,"I think it's just moving on. It's rediscovering something else. It's like greener pastures, you know what I mean? And so, I'm just going to try and like, I'll just be doing the other thing ... Hopefully, I will emotionally impact you with that, as well."

Ummmm, yeah ok Joaquin. Good luck with all that. Or is it
"Luck Good"?