Friday, March 2, 2007

I bet Fox gets a show about the Burger King guy

' ABC is looking to an unlikely place to find the next big television show: Geico TV commercials. Yes, the net is developing a half-hour comedy based on the cavemen characters from the popular insurance ads. The show would revolve around three pre-historic men who must battle prejudice as they live their day-to-day lives in modern Atlanta. '

It could work. Remember what a big blockbuster hit Encino Man was? Although in that movie, the people were all so stupid they didn't even realize he was a caveman so he didn't really have to battle much prejudice. In fact, he became the big man on campus , much to the dismay of that kid from the Goonies because he wanted to be popular. But Pauly Shore set him straight and there was a big dance number and then they found a hot cavewoman and"Um excuse me? This is supposed to be about MY show, not some stupid Pauly Shore movie. See, I never get any respect! Pauly Shore can kiss my prehistoric ass!"

"Hey, easy buuuuuddy. I'm just chillin', I don't want to kiss your ass."

"Why not? My ass isn't good enough for you but Brendan Fraser's is? Why is that? Is it because he's smart? Because he's not a real caveman?"

"Actually on second thought, I think I will kiss your ass, IF you can get me a part on your new show. I've kind of been hard up for work for the last 15 years or so."


Sorry, I'll stop now. I'm a little shot today. I think I'm gonna go write on my hands. Thanks for stopping by Geico Caveman and Pauly Shore!

Um, yeah..

Well, I used to write O-Z-Z-Y on my fingers

So Britney left rehab for a bit to go to an AA meeting (I don't get it either) and people noticed that she had writing all over her hands:

' The 'Toxic' star, who hid her recently-sheared head under a brown wig and hat when she left Malibu's Promises treatment centre to attend an Alcoholics ' Anonymous meeting, shocked onlookers by revealing the strange doodles all over the backs of her hands. Flowers and the word 'Push' could be made out among the scribbles. A smiling Britney met with photographers and an eyewitness described the troubled mother-of-two as 'relaxed and in good spirits'. '

Hmmm, flowers and "PUSH" Maybe it is postpartum.

Also, I can't believe they let her have pens in there!


Mary Hart, you make me ill

So Anna Nicole is finally being buried today(one down, we still have James Brown to go!) If you want up to the nanosecond coverage, just check out Entertainment Tonight's website . I swear, that studio must be covered in used tissues because I guarantee they jack off over there every time they get a new detail.

Did anyone see last night's episode? I don't know if it was ET or Insider (they're both the same anyway) but it was sickening. They went into all this detail describing the funeral arrangements. For a minute there, I actually thought they were talking about a wedding:
"Anna will take her final ride from the beautiful church, past the lovely Bahamian beaches and crystal blue water to the grave site, which will be decorated with lilies and azalias ...." GROSS GROSS GROSS! Stop it!

Did Jessica borrow Britney's wig?

Here's Jess filming a scene in New York city yesterday for a new movie called Blonde Ambition. Looks like one to watch for next year's Oscars, though it will have some stiff competition from Blonde and Blonder with Pam Anderson and Denise Richards.


"You know Heather, artificial limbs actually date back to the cavemen......."

Vincent Pastore dropped out of Dancing With the Stars earlier this week due to his heart condition and the rigorous physical demands of the show. His replacement was announced this morning: it's John Ratzenberger from the best sitcom ever, Cheers. He will be paired with professional dancer (Joey Lawrence's partner last season) Edyta Sliwinska and will have only three weeks to practice before the show premieres on March 19th. They should have gotten Nick Tortelli instead-- he rules.


She's got the whole world in her hands

St. Angelina is adding a Vietnamese orphan to her collection. She filed paperwork this week with the Vietnam's International Adoption Agency. She was recently quoted as saying "I'd like to add many more children and many more obstacles and many more things to my life."

Yeah, obstacles are fun!

She's like a crazy cat lady, but with children.


Ryan Seacrest Rules

"Just shoes?"

And watch Simon turn away and try not to laugh.


Thursday, March 1, 2007

What the Asshats are up to

Jess - "So then I called Ken about my new hair and he suggested I buy more autumn colored clothing so I went shopping, but then I remembered I left the oven on so I had to run home and then..............."

John - (thinking) "I can't believe Nick isn't an alcoholic."

"The name on everybody's lips is gonna be.........NO TURN THE LIGHTS BACK UP! I THOUGHT I MADE YOU PROUD!"

"Those cops were so nice, they didn't even cuff me this time. Not even the black ones. They're hot."

"I can't believe we got Paula to streak!! Look at her go!"

"Does this haircut make me look thinner?"

"Please Jake, can we reenact that scene from Brokeback?"

It's nice to see the Hepatitis P (for Puck) only affected her hair.
(For real news: Her people said she didn't eat any of the tainted food.)

Mary Kate Olsen on the set of live action Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. She's playing the Witch:

"Wow, that's one major McSteamy McPoopy! Make that two!"


Simon defends Sucky Antonella

Simon has finally commented on the Antonella Barba (Sucks!) photo scandal.

At a party at the Playboy Mansion he told PEOPLE:
"I think it's disgraceful that so-called friends would sell these pictures. It's private property. I really, really have a problem with that – big problem."

Hmm, ok so it was private and not for money, I see where this is going. This is Simon's argument to the whole "why is sucky Antonella still here and fabulous Frenchie Davis was kicked off?" (By the way, anyone else think it's kind of funny that he said this at a party at the PLAYBOY MANSION? )

Meanwhile Antonella's friend Amanda Coluccio (who also auditioned for American Idol) has insisted that while the Maxim wannabe shots are sucky Antonella, the blowjob ones aren't. Yeah, ok. (see for yourself)

On top of it all Antonella, who sucks, had the gall to compare herself to Jennifer Hudson last night after the judges dissed her sucky mangling of a Celine Dion song.

I am eagerly anticipating the results show tonight. I really hope America got it right. I'd rather see another Sanjay performance than her sucky ass anymore.

Bad news for all you bachelors out there

Spoiled, talentless, Jennifer Aniston-hatin' Kimberly Stewart has topped a poll to be named the world's most eligible woman. 10,000 men were surveyed in FHM. Kimberly landed the #1 spot, #2 was Carmen Electra and Lindsay Lohan came in at #3.

I'm thinking "most eligible" means "most willing to have sex with you after four Red Bulls and vodkas, " because that's the only this skank could ever be ranked above the goddess that is Carmen Electra.


Everyone can relax--Bobby is free!

Bobby Brown was released from a Massachusetts jail last night. His brother paid his child support bill for him.

Bobby will be back in court today to tell the judge how he will raise the $5,500.00 he owes for his next payment due on March 7th.


A) Try to get New Edition back together for another reunion tour

B) Ask Whitney for a loan. What do you say to that Whitney? CLICK HERE FOR HER ANSWER

C) Get a job at a convalescent home picking poop out of the patient's butts (Whitney and fans of "Being Bobby Brown" know he's actually very good at this)

D) Ask his brother again

My money's on "D".


Ben Affleck likes the ho's

He does according to a new book by Hollywood madam Jody "Babydoll" Gibson. The book is called "Secrets of a Hollywood Super Madam" and outs hooker-lovin' celebrities including Bruce Willis, Gary Busey and Steve Jones (of the Sex Pistols), among others. Bruce Willis has called the story about him in the book "a complete fabrication." Affleck has yet to comment.

I wonder if this was when he was with J-Lo. There were those stripper rumors back then too. I never understand why rich and attractive celebrities pay for sex, ok, well maybe I could understand Gary Busey.


Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Why don't they ever put her in jail?

So Paris was stopped by the cops last night around 10:30. She was at the Virgin (ha!) Megastore in West Hollywood. She pulled out of the parking lot and forgot to turn her headlights on. She never turned them on and continued to speed down Sunset. When the cops pulled her over they discovered her license was suspended. She was issued a citation and her $200K Bently was towed away and impounded.

What's that saying? The cars running but the headlights aren't on. No, the lights are on but there's no one home. No, that's not it either. I know there's the dear one, but that doesn't apply. Oh nevermind.



Star is speculating that the ring Nicole Richie was seen wearing to Paris' birthday party is an engagement ring from boyfriend Joel Madden. Doesn't really look like an engagement ring to me though. Who cares anyway? Even if it is, they'll call it off in two weeks.

I don't think they're ready for that jelly

One of Wolfgang Puck's prep cooks may have exposed guests at the Sports Illustrated party to hepatitis A. The Los Angeles County Department of Health sent all guests, including Beyonce, alerts and recommended vaccinations for anyone who ate uncooked food such as sushi and fresh vegetables. So far, no illnesses have been reported. The tainted prep cook was not involved with any of the recent Oscar parties.

Damn Wolfgang, this one's going to be harder to redeem yourself from than "Puck and Pickler."


What the fuck?

"My daughter is going through a phase of wearing jeans that are so tight she can't bend her knees in them. I have a go at her and say, 'Can't you wear something else? You have a closet full of clothes and you wear the same pants every day. And please wear a belt because I don't want to see your butt crack when you bend over.' " - Madonna


No Cody, No!

' February 28, 2007 -- KATHIE Lee Gifford and her son, Cody, 17, don't agree on an important issue. Which bimbo should he date - Paris Hilton , Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan? Jimmy Kimmel asked the teen that question on his ABC late-night talk show this week. Before Cody could respond, Kathie Lee jumped in: "I would prefer Britney. I've known Britney since she was 15 years old. I am one of those people who believes there is a very dear, precious person inside." Cody, who was with his sister, Cassidy, and father, Frank, disagreed: "All morals aside, I'd have to go with Paris." '

Ok, first of all, Cody's 17?!!! I feel old. I remember when she had him and wouldn't shut the hell up, acting like she was the first woman who ever gave birth. 17!! The hell? First my mom calls me and tells me how she ran into some kid I used to babysit and how he's 6 feet tall and "so hot" now. Then I found a new wrink---fine line on my forehead, now fucking Cody Gifford is 17? Don't even get me started on the Olsen twins smoking cigarettes and having sex and turning into skinny bagladies from outer space.

I'm so depressed. Is it too early to start drinking?

Oh yeah, and PARIS HILTON? Oh Cody, I'm sure he'll become one of the new members of the LA Spoiled Skanky Cokehead Crew (I know, I need a better name. Send me your suggestions) Well maybe there's hope, I mean look at his choices. He should have gone with Britney--she's probably a freak in bed.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

I swear this is not photoshopped!

Here's Heather Mills on her way to a dance studio to practice for Dancing With the Stars.

So which is it?

A) She has a midg---sorry, little person in her bag that is trying to escape by kicking her in the ass.

B) Marc Jacobs has lost his mind.

C) She is donating her used legs to the less fortunate limbless people at the Goodwill drop.

D) She's just carrying her spare legs.

If you said D, congrats you win the prize!! (sorry, there really isn't a prize)

I guess it's like golf where they have a different club for each type of hole. She probably has a tango leg, a waltz leg, a samba leg, etc. But isn't that cheating?

Change, Nothing Stays the Same

' February 27, 2007 -- THE fabled Van Halen reunion tour set for this summer has been derailed, thanks to a new set of ego clashes within the always-troubled band. David Lee Roth was to have hit the road with Eddie Van Halen for the first time since 1984, but concert promoter Live Nation has "shut down" the tour, says the L.A. Times. Roth told the paper: "We have fragile politics in Van Halen, please accept that as a partial answer." Roth's publicist told us she couldn't comment. '

Ok, is anyone really shocked? I was just hoping they would play a few shows first. But maybe it's all for the best and we should just remember them when they were at their peak instead of the trainwreck this would have been.

James Blunt ran over his fan

James Blunt ran over an autograph seeker's foot early Saturday morning while trying to leave a pre-Oscar party.

Celebrity photographer Jody Santos told STAR, "When James left the party with his girlfriend Petra Nemcova at about 2 a.m., they were surrounded by photographers and autograph seekers. When the valet brought their car, they jumped in and James drove really slowly because there were so many people around his car. He sped up and the next thing you know, some guy was lying on the street! Fortunately I saw him slowly get up."

People yelled for James to stop, but he either didn't hear them or ignored them. Santos continued, "There was a lot of chaos, so he probably couldn't hear them or just wasn't aware, but I would imagine he felt something when he ran over the poor guy. Maybe he thought it was a speed bump."

When Star tried to ask about the incident, James' publicist snapped, "You should not ask that type of question at an Oscar event!" Well she does have a point, the Oscars way more important than some regular person's health.

What an asshat!! Who is stupid enough to run over someone's foot with a car? (Kate, if you are reading this: SHUT IT!)

At least he got some material for a new hit:

I left a party
I got in my car
I tried to leave
But didn't get far
I felt something under my front wheel
I thought it was a cat
But then some guy was screaming
So I guess it wasn't that

Your foot will heal
Your foot will heal
Your foot will heal
It's true.
I saw your toes, they were flattened I suppose
And you'll have to buy new shoes
Sorry, I guess it was the booze

Shut up Gwyneth!

God, does the gibberish ever stop flowing out of Gwyneth's mouth? She told Gayle King (Oprah's girlfriend) Sunday at the Oscars, "I've been at home being a housewife, which is amazing and I've loved every second of it." She also referred to her job as mother and wife as "definitely the hardest job." "It's 24 hours a days, seven days a week and they want you present and real and connected and there – but it's been the best three years of my life."

Give me a damn break! Like she's clipping coupons, eating Bon Bons, and watching Days of Our Lives! Hey Asshat, you cannot be a housewife when you are a millionaire and have nannies and housekeepers and private jets. It's so hard though! The kids actually want you to be present! Please, I'd love to see her on an episode of Trading Spouses. Have her switch with the God Warrior.


Free Bobby!

Bobby Brown was arrested Sunday evening outside his daughter's cheerleading competition in Massachusetts for failing to appear in court and pay child support fines for two teenage children (LaPrincia and Bobby III) he had with a woman named Kim Ward. The judge ruled that Bobby will remain behind bars until he pays the $19,150 he owes in back child support. Then he has to pay another $5,500 support payment on Thursday. Apparently he made this deal with his babymama when he was still famous (and married to Whitney) and could afford to make the payments. Now he's a brokeass so he's still sitting in jail, according to TMZ.

So take note all you current and aspiring young R&B stars: make it your prerogative to wear a condom because you never know what tomorrow will bring.


Monday, February 26, 2007

Oscar Party time!

"Oh Penelope, at least you were nominated! Here drink mine. I know! Why don't you adopt an African boy? That will make you feel better. Hey there's one!"

"What the hell Madonna? That's my son!"

"Oh my god, here it comes.......BEST ART DIRECTION!!"

"You know sis, after six rum and cokes, that dress doesn't look so bad."

"Help me balance Kate, these lifts are hard to walk in."
"Hell no, I look way too fabulous for you to hold me up."
"Ok, somebody needs to go back to the Center for some reprogramming."

"What do you mean what are we doing here?"

"I told you Jennifer Hudson was better than your racist show and would win an Oscar! Aw hell, you're still damn sexy though."

Kid - "So Sheryl, I hear you're single again. I am too, wanna give it another shot?"
Sheryl - "Who the hell are you?"

"Aww memories, cute."
"I know, let's get another one but this time with Celine punching her chest!

"LOOK! It's Kojak!! I thought he was dead"
"Um, that's Jack Nicholson mom."

"Forest, why do people keep smelling my ass?"

Gwenyth "Oh Sasha, I do hate those stupid Americans! Look at them! Hahaha......oh wait, I didn't mean you Latifah. Really, I'm sorry."

Ha, Helen can party harder than Vince and Jaime!
Vince looks like he's about to hurl (why does he look so skinny? and tall? and scary?) Jaime's all "Do you remember when I won the Oscar? Wanna hear about my grandmother again?"


Those kids just may make it!

PAGE SIX reports today that Hugh Hefner will marry Holly Madison (the girlfriend that kind of looks like a bizarro Gwen Stefani) before the end of the year. If he's still alive, that is.

Smart girl, get in there right at the end. Then again, be careful Holly. Three words: Anna Nicole Smith.

Asshat of the Week!

This week's honor goes to our greasy friend Brandon Davis. Now normally, if you make Paris Hilton cry, you become awesome in my book, but NO ONE fucks with Paula Abdul! With Styrofoam flower-holders no less!

Here'what went down at (this week's) 26th birthday party for Paris Hilton according to the NY Daily News:

' The hotel heiress was reduced to tears after oily heir Brandon Davis' lewd behavior drove Courtney Love, Paula Abdul and others from the dinner celebrating Paris' 26th year, according to witnesses.

Around 10 p.m., Davis started acting up. "He was hurling flowers at Paula Abdul," says a guest. "Then he began bombing her with Styrofoam flower-holders. He was shouting, 'Lick my [BLEEP], Paula!' He started mocking her ancestry by speaking gibberish in an Arabic accent.

"Stavros and Paris tried to stop him. Paris said, 'Shut up, you're wasted!'" But it was too late. Abdul, who was due to sing "Happy Birthday," made an early exit.

Davis then turned his dim beams on Love. "He lifted her up so that she was straddling his waist," says a witness. "Her Chanel dress was riding up. Brandon was saying, 'I want to squirt on you.' He was humping Courtney in front of her daughter, Frances Bean. When he put her down, Courtney grabbed Frances and they marched out of the restaurant through the kitchen."

It didn't stop there. "He was knocking over glasses and candles on the table," says a source. "Paris was crying to her mother, 'This is not my fault!'"

After Davis was encouraged to leave, Paris blew out the candles on her cake and everyone headed to an after-party at her house.

"Incredibly, Brandon showed up at Paris' place," says a source. "Security guided him downstairs. They were under orders to keep him away from Paris."

A Davis family spokesman declined to comment and Brandon, whose infamous nightclub antics include dubbing Lindsay Lohan "Firecrotch," could not be reached. '

Dude, when Courtney "Suck on these, guy at Wendy's" Love is disgusted by you, you got problems.

Expect to hear about Brandon checking into rehab sometime later today.

Seen and heard that Oscars

"It's ok, you can laugh at my joke. I'm not a racist like Kramer."

"When they showed me that jacket, I said HELL NO!! But they made me wear it."

I loved this! The dance troupe that twists their bodies to interpret the movies. I think this was Basic Instinct 2.
Jack and Diane pay homage to Britney. Jack brought the bald head, Diane brought the crazy.

"Oh don't worry about Marc, I brought extra embalming fluid!"

R.I.P. Snuffleupagus

"Go home Ryan, you ain't with me and Crash was last year loser!"

{Thinking} Sound grateful, even though you want to yell 'WHAT THE HELL TOOK YOU FUCKERS SO LONG?!!'

Photos 1
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