Friday, May 18, 2007

Jessica's "friend" confirms break-up

A source close to Jessica Simpson has told PEOPLE that Jessica and John Mayer have indeed broken up. Again.
"They have broken up. But they have broken up and gotten back together at least ten times before."

The source added the two are still close. "They talk to each other at least six times a day. I don't know if this breakup is permanent, but for right now they are broken up."

This may change once John circles "YES" or "NO" on the letter that Jessica slipped him in study hall asking if he wanted to get back together again.

(Seriously, how old are these people?)

Meanwhile there are rumors that the whole relationship was a "Cruisejob."

Guess Who?

Duh, it's Britney, y'all! Now that she has about a half inch of hair she rushed to the local Sally Beauty Supply store and tied on some horse hair. She's been covering it up in public using the patented Bret Michaels bandanna method but it looks ridiculous.

SO PLEASE BRITNEY - Pull that shit out! Remember when Natalie Portman shaved her head for that movie that tanked? She owned the bald look and rocked it.

Now, granted, you are no Natalie Portman, but anything would look better than that.

John & Jessica - Over?

The king of tact, Perez Hilton, claims that "multiple sources" have confirmed that John Mayer and Jessica Simpson, or as he likes to call them, "Fugs and Jugs" have split.

One of the sources said "They officially called it quits this past weekend. They'd been having problems for a while now and just decided it'd be better to end things."

Another witness said that John was spotted at the club Stereo in New York "drunk off his ass" with " an ugly brunette that was not Jessica Simpson." Jessica is currently in Cannes.

I guess we'll find out soon enough if this is true when Jessica shows up blonde again.


Nasty Divorce Alert

Anne Heche's estranged husband Coley Laffoon filed court papers earlier this month seeking joint custody of their 5 year old son Homer. In the papers, Coley claims that Anne isn't psychologically capable of caring for their son. (Is he for real? We're talking about Celestia here)

Among examples or Anne's "bizarre and delusional behavior" and "poor parenting skills": she once didn't put Homer in a car seat, she often cusses in front of the child, and packed school lunches that Homer "did not like." (that part was suspiciously written in crayon)

Laffoon thinks he is much better suited as a parent because of his prior experience as a nanny and summer camp counselor and is also seeking for $33,000 a month in spousal support.

When reached for comment, Anne responded to claims with "ah ka fota tuna dunna!"


Thursday, May 17, 2007

You have got to be fucking kidding me! You know she blew somebody!

' May 17, 2007 -- Paris Hilton's pals tried to get her sentence thrown out completely. That didn't work, but the heir-head will serve only 23 days of her 45-day jail sentence in a "special needs housing unit."

The sentence reduction is the result of credit for "good behavior," said L.A. County sherrif spokesman Steve Whitmore. Good behavior, according to the sherrifs office, is showing up for one's scheduled court date. However, most perps don't get amnesty for showing up in court when required.

Hilton's luxe accomodations are in a 2,200-inmate facility where police officers, public officials, celebrities and other high-profile clientele reside when they've behaved badly.

The celebutard will be separated from the general inmate population and gets an hour outside of her cell to bathe, watch television and talk on the phone, said Whitmore.

Hilton was sentenced to jail for violating the terms of her probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case. A judge ordered her to report to jail by June 5.

A call to her lawyer, DUI specialist Richard Hutton, was not immediately returned. Hilton's flack, Elliot Mintz, declined to comment. '

Showing up to your court date is good behavior? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO! ("I take care of my kids!") If you don't show up they send Dog after you.

This really sucks. It sends the message that the rich and privileged are above the law.

Wait................What? Bullshit!

Last night's American Idol was a shocker when Melinda Doolittle was sent home. Good job America, she finally learned how to take a compliment and now her confidence will be all shot to shit again!

It is all for the best though, she's way above this show and will do better not being locked under 19E. For that reason I'm hoping my boyfriend Blake also doesn't win (but I am happy we get to see another couple performances from him.) So everyone please, vote Jordin!

BTW- Did anyone notice earlier in the show when before a commercial break Ryan said "When we come back, Melinda goes home." (He meant they would show her going back to her hometown) The look on her face was priceless--but now that we know how it turned out, it's pretty sad.

Asshat of the Week

We haven't had an Asshat of the Week in quite some time so I'd like to bestow the honor on Mr. I Love Jailbait, Marilyn Manson!

Marilyn hasn't been relevant or shocking for years (or maybe, ever) but he manages to keep his name in the news, lately mostly by the leaving his wife for a 19 year old and then possibly having actual sex in his latest video. Ooh, shocking! But his old standby is opening his mouth and letting the verbal diarrhea sputter out.

So here's what he had to say in a recent interview with U.K.'s The Observer when asked if he has blamed for the Virgina Tech shooting:

"Not as far as I know. But I wouldn't be surprised if I was blamed. You know, it all seems very manufactured to me. . . in the way that there's candlelight vigils, but I haven't seen anyone crying. Not one single person crying. Someone said to me yesterday: I'm sure you're full of mixed emotions. And I'm not, really. I don't really care. I don't know anyone involved in it. If you lose emotion, and you gain it back, you realise that hate and love are very important to distribute properly. So I'm not going to waste any kind of emotion on things that aren't related to me. It doesn't mean that you have to be insensitive or cold, or have no sort of empathy. It just means that when you do have an emotion, make it extreme."

You know what happened here right? He's pissed that he wasn't blamed so he said this to create the controversy that he didn't get. Fucking asshat. If he really didn't care he would just keep his mouth shut and not feel the need to go on and on about how he didn't care. He thinks he's so intelligent too. UGH!

So anyway, congrats Marilyn. I'm sure you'll celebrate by snorting some coke off your underage girlfriend's ass.

PS - Speaking of asses, Slayer is gonna blow your pale one off the stage SO bad on the tour this summer.


Wednesday, May 16, 2007

There's just humbleness in the air I guess

"If a woman who is a successful actress weighs 300 pounds and has warts, nobody ever asks her, 'Do you think you made it because you're ugly?' So why should there be prejudice against someone who's had some success in films and looks a little better than average. It's all in my genes so don't hold it against me." - Cameron Diaz


"Um, excuse me bitch, stop copying off me! I said it first and I have it way harder because of my hotness than you do since I'm hotter! Just look at me! Look at how I'm seductively covering my breast with my hand while glaring into the camera!"

{squinting eyes and moving head from side to side} "Oh, puhlease. You best step off ho!! Let's talk about copying shall we? Do the words 'sloppy seconds' mean anything to you? Yeah, I'm talking about Timberlake. And I am wayyy hotter than you. Check my shit out. You are not included in the popular kids in the school of Hollywood."

"Yeah, whatever Cammy, what's that picture from? The Mask? What was that 1994? A tad old to be talking about school. I'm the new IT Girl in the school of Hollywood. Oh and by the way, Justin was fabulous last night."

"I don't give two fucks about that pip squeak anymore. I just stole Minnie Driver's man. Ok, and look, you may the latest shIT girl, but I have talent. Not that people realize that because of these damn genes, but I do." {crying}

"Now see, that's what I'm saying! I just can't get taken seriously in this harsh town now matter how classy I act! Look, we should stop fighting and stick together since there are so few of us hot girls. Wanna come with me to Duane Reade? I need to buy some Pantene."

"How funny, I was just headed there for some Clearasil! You're on!"

Sorry guys, I was hoping for a bitchfight too.

Jessica Biel is humble and wants respect dammit!

"I hope all my new work will help producers in getting past my hotness." - Jessica Biel to GQ magazine.


Pete Doherty is the next Picasso!

Look! You can see Kate's nipples!

Pete Doherty's blood paintings went on display yesterday at the appropriately named Bankrobber Gallery in London. The 14 paintings in the collection, called the Bloodworks Exhibition, are priced up to $90,000 each.

The director of the gallery, Michael Chambati-Woodhead, said of Doherty, "Painting is a relatively new thing for him." No, I don't believe it!


You mean she fucked that for free?

Dita Von Teese is upset about rumors that she only married Marilyn Manson for his money. She insists she is not a goldigger (Now, I ain't saying she's one) and recently said, "I guess the most insulting thing I've read is that I married for money because I didn't. Didn't make a dime. Didn't plan to. Didn't want to."

I'm surprised people are saying that. This is one case where I wouldn't think anyone would hold it against her if she did.


It doesn't get any awesomer than this

Sorry for the wrestling post, but I'd be a bad girlfriend if I didn't send out congrats to the New World Heavyweight Champion -EDGE!

Hopefully, they'll let him keep it longer this time since he didn't win it from SuperCena.

Love the fireworks. He's got even more pyro than Batista now!

Scarlett & Ryan back on?

Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson, or as I like to call them: ScarJoReynolds (think......ok, got it?), were spotted together at a concert by the Damnwells' at the Troubadour in West Hollywood.

A source told PEOPLE the two arrived separately but behaved like a couple and left together saying,
"In the foyer they were talking and had their hands all over each other. "He kissed her a couple more times in the club. He was totally sweet. She went to the restroom and he went to check up on her."

Ok, take away a chair and start the music again.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Paris Hilton Not Capable --well Duh!!!! And to TENT CITY SHE GOES!-

Paris Hilton's civil trial which was brought against her by Zeta Graff (remember back in 2005---Zeta accused Paris of spreading lies about her and is now suing her for $10 Million) has been postponed until August 22nd after a declaration was filed by Dr. Charles Sophy, a psychiatrist who has seen Paris over the last six months, "off" and "on" and who she paid and performed oral sex on to submit the declaration.

Dr. Sophy said in the declaration the Paris is
"not capable of any meaningful participation" (and this is any different than usual how? She's slow.) in the civil suit because she is "emotionally distraught and traumatized" after being sentenced to 45 days in jail on May 4th and asked the judge to give her sufficient time to recover. He also said that Paris "cannot effectively respond to examination as a witness or provide any significant input into her defense." (Again, how is that any different than usual?) Sophy also warned in the document that if Paris were forced to participate in the hearing, it would "exacerbate her current mental condition."

In related awesome news: Due to overcrowding in the LA jail system, Sheriff Joe of the infamous "Tent City" facility outside Phoenix, AZ has graciously offered to let Paris serve her sentence there. She would actually have to serve on a chain gang! Can you stand it? Also, a source that has served in Tent City added that Paris has 105-110 temperatures to look forward to during the day (she can work on her tan!) . The heat will also intensify the aroma of the nearby city dump and animal farm. (all the better to keep her nose busy since the poor thing won't have any cocaine for 45 whole days!)

Oh please, please, please let her go there!


New couple?

Cameron Diaz and MINDFREAK!!!!! Criss Angel went out to dinner and a show in Las Vegas last night so of course, they are the latest couple!

PEOPLE reports that they ate at Bellagio's Prime steakhouse and then caught a performance of Cirque du Soleil's Beatles tribute, "LOVE".

A source said,"They were snuggling with each other and he was making her laugh. They seemed really happy."

They left together in Angel's Rolls Royce.

Good for you Cameron, that's a step up from Timberfuck in my book (then again, Sanjaya Malaker would be a step up from Timberfuck) Criss is hot.....until he speaks (accent? speech imped?). But then that's funny, so that's cool.

And the cool part is when they break up we can reuse that David Copperfield/Claudia Schiffer joke about how he made her disappear.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Who is the most pathetic here?

Britney for changing her son's diaper on the side of the road even though she knows damn well that there are tons of paparazzi that will try to get pictures of baby poo?

Her hangers-on that shield Sean Preston from the zoom lenses of the paparazzi hoping to score some baby poo?

The paparazzi that want that pictures of baby poo?

Whoever took this picture which is of the paparazzi trying to take pictures of baby poo?

Or Britney again. Just cause...

Tough call I know. Think about it.


Paris's 263rd pathetic display to show what a sweet person she is in a desperate and pointless attempt to avoid her jail sentence

Check out the lovely Get Well collage Paris made for her father who is in the hospital. How artistic!! Surely all those pictures of PARIS will cheer up her sick pop!

Prison is no place for a nice girl like that! In fact, as her outfit reminds us, there's no place like home!


Lindsay has to get her legs chopped off to be taken seriously!

In her next movie, "I Know Who Killed Me," Lindsay Lohan will play a stripper who is kidnapped and has both of her legs amputated. If that's not worth $9, how about this? Lindsay will also have her first sex scene in the movie! (Not sure if that is before or after the legs are amputated. Hopefully after, how hot would that be?)

It was the director, Chris Siverston, that convinced Lindsay to do a sex scene, which the always modest and demure Lindsay swore she would never do.

She said "Chris Siverston is a fucking genius. We made a deal that I will do any film he wants me to do."

The ever eloquent Lohan continued, "At first I was like 'I can't do this, I'm getting my leg cut off. I don't want to look like that in scenes, I want to look decent!' But that was just me being young and stupid. And I have my first sex scene in it, which I always said I wouldn't do. I wanted to do this movie so people can see that I'm a fucking actress and I've been doing it forever and it's about time people see that. It felt so good to really get to act."

Thank God she had this opportunity to play an amputee that has sex to prove she's a serious act
or. I don't know about you, but I smell an Oscar nomination.

Let's check in with Asshat Hollywood Correspondent, Box O' Rocks. What do you think of what Lindsay had to say?


What the Fuck?

There are 102 things wrong with this picture. Name them. I'll give you the first: She is wearing a Von Dutch trucker hat in 2007.

She thought she was at an Akon concert

"GET OFF!!!"

At his concert in London, Prince invited some fans to join him on stage. One crazy bitch got a little too close for his liking. Prince played it off by falling to the ground and "surrendering" by putting his hands up. The woman, however, thought that was some sort of invitation, so she jumped on top of Prince and straddled him. Security had to pry her off and drag her ass out.

In her defense, he is a Sexy Muthafucker.


More baby news! Adrianna Preggers?

The NY Post reports that Drea de Matteo was seen shopping at Veronique Maternity on Madison Avenue. Not only that, they also said that Drea was overheard saying that she was expecting her first child with her boyfriend Shooter Jennings. Love her! Congrats to them!

I hope if it's a boy they name it Christafah!


Sheryl Crow Adopts

Sheryl Crow is the latest celebrity to adopt but before you go calling her a bandwagon jumper check this out: she adopted a child from the UNITED STATES!!! Yeah, I know! A plain old American!! Probably the result of unprotected teenage sex! How painfully non-exotic. I bet the kid doesn't even have a mohawk!

I'm just kidding Sheryl. Good for you!!

The baby is a 2 week old boy. Sheryl named him Wyatt, after her father.