Friday, June 27, 2008


So while Ethan Hawke traded down (the old "bangin'the nanny" story), Uma Thurman traded up.

Way up.

She bagged a multimillionaire. They began dating last summer and now they're engaged. Uma's rep has confirmed the news. The rich Swiss guy's name is Arpad "Arki" Busson. He used to be with Elle Macpherson and had two sons with her.

Arki gave Uma an 8 carat engagement ring. No wedding date has been set.

Uma and Arki's names go together. It's a perfect rich couple name. Watch:
"Bitsy? Hi dahling, it's me Mitzie. Uma and Arki have invited Grant and I to the South of France for a weekend on their yacht, so I won't be able to make the fundrasier dinner at the club. Pity, I so was looking forward to helping those starving children Oh, I know, wrap up our dinners and Fed-Ex them to them! Ok then, send my regards to Candi and Corbie will you dear? Tootles!"


What is wrong with the jidges!

I just want to bitch about So You Think You Can Dance for a minute. Why the hell wasn't Comfort eliminated last night? They got rid of Chelsea, who is much better and they didn't even tell her why!

Comfort must have some good dirt on Nigel, that's the only thing that could explain why she wasn't cut after week one! All the girl can do is one hip hop routine over and over.

I'm really pissed off about this.

Here's Comfort's performance from this week, I'm only posting it because I never thought I'd see the day that a Marilyn Manson song would be used on So You Think You Can Dance and I find it pretty hysterical and awesome. I hope on next week's show there's a Mia Michaels contemporary routine to Slayer's "Dead Skin Masks". They even say
"Dance with the dead in my dreams" in the song---they could do the flower petal thing again!

And since I'm posting clips of SYTYCD, here's my favorite routine from last week, Chelsea (different Chelsea--all the girls are named Chelsea and Courtney this season) and Mark's hip hop routine to "Bleeding Love." It's worth watching even if you swore you'd jam pencils in your ears if you heard that damn song one more time:

Oh yeah, and I'm still pissed off about Comfort.


I don't know about you, but I wouldn't feel right selling alcohol to Amy Winehouse. I'd be like, "No sorry, it's for your own good."


Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Axl really did call the FBI

I'm loving all this Axl news lately! So now there is an actual FBI investigation into the nine leaked Guns N' Roses tracks that circulated online last week.

Kevin Skwerl, the blogger responsible for putting up the nine rumored songs from Chinese Democracy on the website last week, told
Rolling Stone how he received a recent visit from the FBI.

Kevin told
the mag that he was "ambushed" by two federal agents on Monday after he admitted to posting the songs on the blog. He claims he received the tracks from "an anonymous online source."

He said, "When I came back from lunch they were waiting in the lobby for me. It's a little creepy they know where I work."

yeah Kevin, that's usually how the FBI works!

He was then questioned for 15 minutes. The agents asked to see the original files, but Kevin had already erased them after Axl's lawyers instructed him when they contacted him shortly after they appeared online.

No word on whether if in addition to the FBI, Axl also called the president, a private eye, or the IRS.


Who told Marc Anthony he had to lose baby weight?

I hope J-Lo's calling Sally Struthers. "Just 79 cents a day, the price of a cup of coffee, could feed Marc Anthony! Won't you help?"


Who even watches commercials anymore anyway?

Heinz made news this week when it pulled the above commercial for mayonnaise featuring...OMG!!! two men kissing! The company reportedly received a whopping 200 complaints after the spot aired. They pulled the ad and apologized to anyone who may have been offended.

In a related story, another commercial recently spread online (this one actually legitimately offensive). It was for JC Penney and showed two teenagers rushing to get dressed after having sex:

Calm down everybody, Jamie Lynn Spears doesn't have her own teen maternity line at Penney's. The commercial was created by an advertising agency and submitted to the store, but JC Penney claims they never approved the ad and are "furious" over the attention it is bringing to the store--which hasn't gotten attention since...well, ever. Yeah, ok, whatever you say JC Penney.


Here to comment, please welcome the Geico Caveman.


"What's up?"

So I'm interested to hear your take on all these controversial commercials, being in advertising yourself. Do you think commercials have gotten out of control, or are we just being too sensitive?

"You know I come from a time before television. Back then, it took a lot of time to get information on a product out because there were no commercials. We had to go door to door, you know? Like when I invented the wheel..."

Wait, wait, hold up, YOU invented the wheel? Like, you personally?

"Did I stutter?"

No, it's just that's pretty impressive, that's all. Hey, too bad there weren't patents back then huh? Ha!

"Oh ha ha, yeah, very funny. Do you even know how much that sucks? Now look at what I'm forced to do. I'm an advertising gag and the star of a failed sitcom. I INVENTED THE DAMN WHEEL! If it weren't for me, there wouldn't be any cars. There wouldn't be any car insurance. There wouldn't be any GEICO!! It's so disrespectful it makes me sick!"

"I don't mean to barge in, por favor, but Ay dios mio!!! Give it a rest Caveman!!!! At least you still got a job! I had to hump a lot of legs to get that Taco Bell gig! I gave them best years of my life and then they just threw me out like the leftover pintos and cheese. Speaking of which, thanks to that place, I had the runs for TWO WHOLE YEARS ese! That's 14 years for me! Oh yeah, I dropped the chulupa alright.

Oh, and now Taco Bell wants 50 Cent to change his name to 79 cent and he wants to sue them. Did it ever occur to them to ask me? Hell, I'd change my name in a Nueva York minute! So I don't wanna hear your bitching or about your dumb wheel invention, which you probably didn't even really invent, it's just that there's no one other cavemen alive to dispute it!"


Caveman? Anything to add?


Um, ok then. Thanks to the Geico Caveman and The Taco Bell Dog.

"I am not the Taco Bell Dog anymore! My name is Rick James. Yeah, like 'I'm Rick James bitch'! Don't get me started on that one either. "

Damn Matt Damon!

Here's Matt on the set of his new movie, The Informant looking an awful lot like Ned Flanders!

Hey that reminds me, remember that song Informer? A licky boom boom down!

Matt kind of looks like him too!

Asshat of the Week!

Yeah Mario, homeless people are HYSTERICAL!

I fucking hate this tool.


Tuesday, June 24, 2008

This is all Denise Richards' fault

It has to be. It's Complicated just debuted a couple weeks ago and now poor Heather Locklear has checked herself into a psychological treatment facility in Arizona.

Her rep released the following statement: "Heather has been dealing with anxiety and depression. She requested an in-depth evaluation of her medication and entered into a medical facility for proper diagnosis and treatment."

Back in March, Heather's doctor called 911 call in fearing that she was suicidal.

Get well Heather!


He never thought of that!

"What are you still doing here? I said one song and then you go clean out my litter box!"

Who gives a shit about Tom Cruise and Will Smith? My very favorite bromance has got to be my beloved Axl Rose and Sebastian "SAVAGE ANIMAL!" Bach. (I think we all know who wears the leather pants in this relationship.) Ever since these two hooked up a few years ago, Baz has been loving being Axl's bitc--I mean, BFF. He also loves the spotlight (see: Celebrity Duets, Supergroup, Celebrity Rap Superstar) so whenever a media outlet ever needs anyone to comment on the elusive Axl, Sebastian is more than happy to oblige.

So last week when nine Chinese Democracy tracks made their way online, Rolling Stone gave Sebastian a call hoping to get some inside info. But by now Sebastian knows better than to give out any confidential information, so instead he served up a couple anecdotes of times he pissed off Axl.

You have to picture him telling this while cracking himself up and slapping his knees:

“There’s only a couple of times he’s ever gotten mad at me. One of them was when I let Ron Jeremy in his dressing room. He didn’t like that at all. ‘Why the fuck did you let Ron Jeremy in my dressing room?’ I was like, 'dude, he was begging.' That wasn’t a good time for me. Axl goes from zero to 60 faster than any hemi engine, I’ll tell you that.

When we were first hanging out in 2006, we were just standing around a bunch of people. I go, ‘Axl, do you think you might get the record out? It would be a great time, now that we’re on tour and everything.’ He goes, ‘Oh. Great! Everybody! Sebastian has a great idea here, man. Guess what? Sebastian, should I put out a record? Maybe it would be a good idea for me to put out a fucking record! Hey everybody, listen to this! I never thought of that! That never came to me! Oh, great idea dude.’ I felt like Fred Flintstone in Mr. Slate’s office.

“Another thing that I don’t know you’ll ever see is a Axl Rose reality show. When I see that shit, I laugh. Here’s the only other time that he got mad at me. I had just finished shooting Supergroup for VH1. It was on TV in America while we were gallivanting across Europe. We had a beautiful dinner at some incredible Italian restaurant. We are sitting there and I go, ‘Dude, I just shot this reality show for VH1 and they paid me this amount of money, man. It was fucking easy. It was only like two weeks. It was hilarious. Axl, if they paid me this amount of money, they’d pay you like a million bucks for 10 days of some shit.’ He’s looking at me with this look on his face and he’s all quiet and he goes, ‘Sebastian, you don’t understand.’ I go, ‘What?’ He goes, ‘I will pay VH1 $2 million to leave me the fuck alone!‘ I would bet my life you won’t be seeing the Axl Rose reality TV show."

Screw Chinese Democracy, I want an Axl and Sebastian reality show! I want to see them have beautiful dinners and fights about why Sebastian let Ron Jeremy into Axl's dressing room. It would be so much better than The Two Coreys!



Hey kids, Heidi Montag has a new song!! It's called "Fashion" (not to be confused with David Bowie's) It's a work of art, but it's Heidi so of course it is!!

The best part is the very beginning when she yells
"HEIDI!" It's even better than "It's Britney Bitch!"

Smoke 'em if you got 'em Amy!

Amy Winehouse has been in a London hospital for problems with her lungs which have been described as "scarring of the lungs which could lead to emphysema." She's 24!!! Doctors say if Amy continues smoking that she will have emphysema.

She left the hospital for a few hours yesterday to rehearse for her upcoming performance at Nelson Madela's birthday party, shop for some new ballet slippers, and what was it? Oh yeah, smoke a couple ciggies!


Monday, June 23, 2008

R.I.P. George

We lost a genius yesterday.