Kanye West doesn't care about white country singers

FUCKER
(sung to the tune of "Stronger")

Get lit, start shit, throw fit, just quit
Douchebag, loser, bastard, fucker!

Na-na-na-now they wanna kill me,
Cause I acted like a fucker
I seriously need to grow up now
And stop acting like a soreass sucker
Perhaps maybe I should have allowed
Taylor to talk a bit longer
Man, I’m regrettin’ it right now,
Hope my career don’t suffer

I need help right now,
Where’s my publicist now?

On the sauce tonight,
Was pissed that Beyonce lost tonight.
Jump up on the stage, I'm a douche alright,
Cuz I don't give a crap about being polite
Here comes, hey Taylor give me that award!
Damn, look at me, I’m a real famewhore
I suck ass, I’m immature,
Now nobody likes my rants anymore

How in the presence of greatness
'Can they boo at me? but nevertheless
This will be covered by all the press
That I’m bullying the country princess
Lost my head, went nuts, threw a fit,
It was worse than that time the guy from Oasis spit
Or that dude from Rage climbed up that sh*t
Can’t help it, phony, bein’ a dick
Pickin’ on chicks, later!

Na-na-na-now I blame Hennessey
Can that stuff be any stronger?
I gotta go throw up now
Can’t sit here much longer
I just don’t understand how
Everyone thinks I’m wronger
Than that Lady Gaga blood shit
Beyonce changed her number

I need meds right now,
Call the doctor right now.

I don't know if my date’s a man or not,
Wonderin’ that a lot,
Don’t really matter cause I think she’s hot
Or maybe that should be I think he’s hot
We like to go to Rodeo on shopping sprees
Then go home and check out the latest Glee
But if I had to choose, I’d choose me
.
Ain’t trippin', I'm caught up in my ego, a’ight?
I mean, look at me I’m God-like,
A mirror and KY for a good night
Singing with a vocoder on my mic
Ranting on my blog, CAPS-LOCKED keys I strike
Calling people SQUIDBRAINS and the like
Dressing like Steve Urkel on his prom night
All these things makin me a
Douchebag, loser, bastard, fucker!

Na-na-na- it’s all over tv
About how I’m a fucker
The bitches on the View are saying
“He’s got less manners than a trucker”
I just had a little outburst
This won’t last much longer
It ain’t like I’m Chris Brown
He probably would’ve clocked her

I need nap right now,
I need nap right now.

Seriously, what about that Lady Gaga?
And Pink exposing her ta-ta?
I think Russell Brand had a boner
Beyonce deserved that honor.

Beyonce deserved that honor.
Beyonce deserved that honor.
Beyonce deserved that honor.
Beyonce deserved that honor.

The Most Awesome Thing You'll See All Day!

Sorry for the interruption

As a wise man named Eddie Vedder once said, I’m still alive. Hey yeah., Oh. Oh. I’m still alive.

So who missed me?




Mom?





Dad?




God? Are you there God, it’s me Shithead?




Damn Well, if there is anyone out there, I do apologize for my extended leave of absence. But I have returned because this pathetic slut known as Asshat Hollywood needed a good, hard pity fuck really bad and wouldn’t stop sexting me.

Sometimes you just get in a funk, you know?

So I was trying to figure out just why I’ve had no urge to keep up with the going-ons of the attention whores of the world and the answer came to me in a vision of hair extensions attached to a hollow head standing next to a living, breathing douche the other night while watching “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.” See, it’s because lately, the only attention whores in the news aren’t even real stars. I know it’s been heading this way for a while, but now they are the large majority. “They” being these people that are really hard to give a real shit about one way or the other, let alone devote time and energy to make fun of. And most of the time, these dumbasses do enough stupid shit on their own that you don’t need to bother anyway. I mean, look at all the news in the past 48 hours surrounding Heidi and Spencer – “Did they really quit the show? Will they come back again? Are they really being replaced? By who? Heidi’s sister? Wait, Heidi’s SISTER? Who? Why?” Who gives a shit about these twats?

And then of course we have the Jon and Kate saga every fucking second for the past few hundred months. It’s headline news. There’s something really wrong with that. Who the hell are these idiots? They actually had a special report on their marriage problems on E! a few weeks ago. Before all this foolishness, I remember seeing Kate once, (once!) on some show about multiple births and I only remember it because she had this big nasty stomach with saran wrap over it and it made me gag and change the channel and then I was really happy because Empire Records was on FUSE and I love that movie (“Stop calling me Warren!”) Now you can’t change the channel (or go online or to the grocery store) without seeing headlines about John and Kate and that thing on her head. Who gives a shit about these morons?! Is anyone even taking care of those children? She’s making Octomom look normal. And there’s another one. And so it goes and goes and goes.

It’s so sad that nowadays anybody can become a celebrity. I miss the days when a person actually had to have talent and star quality and work their ass off or at least sleep their way to the top to become famous. Because lazy, talentless assholes like me respect people like that. But now, you don’t have to be or do any of those things anymore. All you have to do is:

A) Go on a reality show
B) Be related to someone famous, someone that was on a reality show, or someone really rich
C) Take fertility drugs and have a bunch of babies at once
D) Any combination of the above

I guess that’s actually good news for us lazy, talentless assholes of the world because that means that we too can become famous. We all can! But that presents a problem. This conundrum is best explained in the cinematic classic, To Die For, when at the end after Nicole Kidman gets whacked (speaking of, her face never seemed to recover from being frozen in that lake) Lydia epilogues: “Suzanne used to say that you're not really anybody in America unless you're on TV... 'cause what's the point of doing anything worthwhile if there's nobody watching? So when people are watching, it makes you a better person. So if everybody was on TV all the time, everybody would be better people. But, if everybody was on TV all the time, there wouldn't be anybody left to watch, and that's where I get confused." We’re almost there, Lydia, we’re almost there.


Anyway, I’m gonna stop rambling now and express my thoughts in song.





(You know the drill, hit play and follow along below)

Can someone please tell me
Who these people are?
Who’s Audrina Partridge?
Why are real housewives stars?

Contestants on “The Bachelor”
Are called celebrities
And Kim Kardashian’s sisters
Got their own show on E!

I really don’t understand just how
Your face is on my TV now
When did you to prove to me
Your relevancy?
Who in…the fuck…are you?

I can’t resist the urge to shove pencils in my eyes
Every time I see coverage of one of Jon and Kate’s fights
I don’t care about their issues
Or who is screwing who
But what poor rodent had to die for that wack hairdo?

Somebody tell me how we allow
These twits to turn into cash cows
I have a college degree
But the Pratts make more than me
Who in…the fuck….are you?

Hey you’re not off the hook, yeah you: Susan Boyle
I really don’t care who kissed you, or if you dyed your fro

Oh yeah I did

Cuz all I can say is “fucking wow”
At all the shit that’s popular now
Goddamn reality
Brooke Hogan, get off my TV!
Who in …the fuck….are you?

That goes for everyone on VH1 now
And that freak Vince who sells ShamWow
You bitches don’t count to me
As real celebrities
Who in…the fuck…are you?

　
Well at least the super talented, charismatic, contestant won on American Idol though right? Wait, what?

Asshat Idol: Top 4 - THE MOST AWESOME WEEK EVER!

I went into last night's episode fully prepared to be let down, because "Rock Week with special guest Slash" sounds way too good for reality to live up to the idea of it. Surprisingly, it did. And then some. The awesome was even awesomer and the suck was the most awesome of all!

I think we all know what I'm referring to, so let's just get right to it:





This is the kind of we've been waiting for! And it couldn't have happened to a more deserving person! Oh Gokey, I'm actually glad you stuck around this long because if you hadn't we'd never have this amazing piece of Idol history! Another plus? We finally learned how to make Paula sit down when she does that annoying dancing along all the time. The funniest part about it all is that Danny thought he was great--he did a fucking victory lap at the end and cheered his own awesomeness. And then once the judges told him how terrible he was, he refused to believe it and said he'd "have to watch it back." Well, he'll have no problem finding it on Youtube:





You know tonight Seacrest is going to ask him what he thought of it when he watched it back. He'll probably attempt some self-depreciating joke that will be so transparent that Scott MacIntyre will stand up in the audience and go "Dude, even I can see through that bullshit." and then he'll say he thought the rest of the song wasn't that bad. And then he will get voted off and he'll have to sing it AGAIN!!! (I'm dreaming on here, I know Kris is toast, but it would rule.)

We have Slash to thank for this. He is totally responsible for this by psyching Gokey out about hitting that note. Slash knows how to use that reverse psychology for his amusement. Like when he used to tell Axl those blazer/bootyshort suits looked awesome and then he'd go laugh with Duff behind Axl's back.

Nearly eclipsing the fall of Gokey was the incredible pairing of Adam and Allison. Try to watch this just once, you can't. Seriously, it's THAT awesome:




The duet of Gokey and Kris- not so much.



Just watch Kris, he's adorable.


Allison killed:



Adam killed:



Kris got killed (by the judges):


Tonight - Slash performs! No Doubt performs! DAUGHTRY (the fuck?) performs! Paula Abdul (hopefully accompanied by an animated cat) performs! The top 4 performs! Then Kris or possibly Allison (NOOO!!) will get eliminated at 10:07 PM.

Ah-dam!! Ah-dam!!

So this past Wednesday, Idol producers tried to pull the old fakeout on us and make us think Adam was in the bottom 2 and risked going home. He wasn't. He didn't. Matt-in-the-Hat Girard did of course. And America was relieved. No one more so than little Baby Paisley:



Don't forget to vote next week Paisley! It's been confirmed - next week is motherfucking Rock week with special guest mentor:


Hell to the yeah! I wonder if they'll let him smoke. They don't even let Simon smoke indoors!

It has also been revealed that next week the contestants will have two performances - one solo and one duet with another contestant.

Asshat Idol - Top 5- Rat Pack

Surprisingly, last night on American Idol, the Idols stayed true to the Rat Pack theme. Everyone got all dressed up (except Simon and Randy) in their best formal wear and pretended that Jamie Fox was some kind of a legend and didn't say those things about Miley and can I just stop here for a minute and say that there is a rumor that NEXT WEEK IS ROCK WEEK AND SLASH IS THE MENTOR???????!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!! It hasn't been confirmed but if it's true it means that the Idol Gods have finally answered my prayers. This is television Reese's Cups for me! Please be true!! Oh my god.

Sorry, ok. Rat Pack. Standards.

OH HELL, HERE'S ADAM BECAUSE THAT'S ALL ANYBODY REALLY WANTS TO SEE ANYWAY:



Everything we've come to expect from Adam. Over-the-top, theatrical, crazy vocals, judges cream themselves (Kara, quite literally), etc, etc, etc.


THIS YEAR'S SYESHA:


Meaning hopefully she'll make top three (since it's clear Adam and Deadwife are 1 and 2 or 2 and 1, depending on whether dialidol is correct). Because anything less would suck.

DREADED FIRST SPOT:


Poor Kris. Despite gaining momentum these past few weeks, poor adorable Kris was stuck in the suicide spot this week. Even worse, he received good critiques from the judges, however later in the show the judges seemed to have developed amnesia and completely forgot that they liked him. I'm worried for him tonight. (sorry about the poor quality video)

Ok, while searching for valid YouTubes for the remaining contestants, I stumbled upon this awesomeness, so I'm gonna be lazy and let Sir Bitter take over from here with this week's recap:

BREAKING NEWS - Source of Swine Flu Detected and Sent Back to Mexico

Newlyweds Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are headed to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico on their honeymoon.

Have a great time you lovebirds!!!

SOURCE

Rat Pack Week on Idol

Photo credit - VFTW.com

Tonight's theme on American Idol is "The Rat Pack" and for absolutely no reason the special guest mentor has been announced as Jamie Foxx.

I don't get it. Did he play Sammy Davis Jr. or something? Wait, hang on. No, no he didn't. Don Cheadle did though, was he busy? Cause that would have made more sense. Oh wait, Jamie Foxx is a singer, that's right. He's a triple threat. Ugh. Jamie Foxx is one of those people that annoys the everloving hell out of me. Oh well, maybe he'll go off on another Miley tirade.

And am I the only person who can't NOT think of this everytime I see Jamie Foxx?

Funhouse vs. Circus

Pink still don't wanna be a stupid girl. The singer is reportedly pissed with people accusing her of copying Britney Spears' circus theme, with her upcoming similarly-themed Funhouse world tour that will be hitting the states this summer, because her album (also named Funhouse) actually came out before Britney's.

Pink says, "Had I known that certain other people were going to base their latest thing about circus things, I probably would have went into another direction. I was six months before that and didn't really understand that it was a trend that was happening. I'm pretty out of the loop."

SOURCE


Also "in the loop?" World's sweetheart, Susan Boyle, with her upcoming Carnival tour!

Thank you for being a friend

This made me really sad. Bea Arthur passed away Saturday at the age of 86 from cancer.

RIP Bea.

SOURCE

Speidi to make it official on Saturday

Speaking of douchebags, the two talentless attention-whoring ones known as Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt will reportedly marry for real this time this Saturday. No word on whether Spencer's creepy-flesh-colored beard will be the best man.

According to UsMagazine.com, it will be a sunset ceremony taking place at the Westminster Presbyterian Church in Pasadena.

So anyone in Pasadena, please feel free to show up to congratulate the happy couple by throwing rice at them.

Bags of rice.

The big ones.



You could get them at Costco.

SOURCE

Who'th the douthe now Cristh?

Criss Angel got sent to the corner for some quiet time by the producers of his Las Vegas show, "Believe," after he spotted Perez Hilton in the audience last Friday night.

Criss stopped his act and announced to the crowd, "I have to recognith thomeone thpecial here in the houth. Pereth Hilton, pleath thand up. We have the world'sth biggeth douthebag athole in the houth!"

Perez then reciprocated with, "Thanks for the free tickets." He then twittered (God, I hate that stupid shit!) some mean comments about Criss's show.

The organizers of "Believe" and the Cirque du Soleil Moon Fry has since apologized for Angel's "inappropriate and disrespectful" comments and have released the following statement:

"Cirque du Soleil does not condone disrespectful behavior towards any audience member at any time. Cirque management will address such behavior privately with any of its artists to ensure it will not happen again. Along with our partner, MGM MIRAGE, Cirque du Soleil wishes to extend an apology to any audience member that may have been offended by Criss Angel's inappropriate and disrespectful remarks at Friday night's performance of Believe."

I'm sure that apology includes everyone sitting in the first row who got spit on.

SOURCE

The Latest Member of the "I'm a size 2" Club is..........

Kim Kardashian posted a message on her blog taking offense to the store Forever 21 referring to her as a "fuller-sized woman" while introducing their new line of plus-size clothing. Only, they never actually called her anything other than a "fan" of the store.



Kim wrote:

I am a huge fan of Forever 21 and I'm very happy they have expanded their line to include a plus-size range, but I am not in that size category and this article makes it sound like I am! I am a curvy girl and I love my curves, but curvy and plus-sized are two very different things. I work really hard to maintain my curves while staying slim and healthy, so to be classed as a "fuller-figured woman" of extra large proportions is a little offensive.

For the record, I am a size 2, not 2XL.

HAAAAAAAAA!! Can't. Stop. Laughing! Size 2! I love it! Even Kim's "fans" aren't buying that shit:

April 21, 2009 7:19 AM
blondedmbfan15 says: | Reply

I’m Sorry Kim but maybe you wore a size 2 when you were ten but any women knows that with an ass and thighs like yours you wear a much bigger size. Also maybe you need to take some college courses or high school for that matter; all the article said was that you were a fan of the store not the damn plus size line.


April 21, 2009 5:51 AM
tqgucci says: | Reply

I think you need to go to try on a size 2 in case you forgot what a size 2 is, you are NOT a size 2. Sorry but that's the truth.



April 21, 2009 5:02 AM
badeiah11 says: | Reply

YOU ARE A SHALLOW BITCH*ONCE AGAIN YOU OFFEND YOUR FANS!!! BUT THIS TOPPED IT! ALL US CURVY WOMAN LOOKED UP TO YOU!!! AND NOW WE SEE YOUR TRUE COLORS!!**ITS REAL MESSED UP THAT YOU WON'T TAKE TIME OUT OF YOUR DAY TO ADDRESS THIS! We FANS DESERVE AN APOLOGY

kareno8 says: | Reply

My sister and I used to be fans, but no longer.
You are NOT a size 2. I am 105 pounds and 5 feet and I AM A SIZE 2.
You're not even a size 4 or a size 6. We saw your cellulite get blasted off on TV!


April 21, 2009 2:18 AM
kareno8 says: | Reply

we are still laughing at how you say you are a size 2. Also, some plus sized women still work hard to stay slim and healthy. losing weight is a struggle for many because not all have the same metabolism, genes, or cosmetic surgeons (kim).


April 20, 2009 9:03 PM
shaydiva says: | Reply

ONE OF UR THIGHS IS A SIZE 2


April 20, 2009 9:33 PM
bechiiik said to: shaydiva | Reply

No but what you can do is put a rope around your neck, tie the rope to your roof, get on a chair and then let you fall from it :)


April 20, 2009 11:33 PM
shaydiva says: | Reply

I AM A SIZE 2XL AND I DNT HAVE HALF OF THE CELLULITE AND STRECH MARKS THAT U AT A SIZE 2 HAVE! LMAO!


April 21, 2009 3:28 AM
M. says: | Reply

Kim, I know you're not 2 smart, but now I see that you just might be "Dumb and Dumber" built into 1! The US article states that you are a fan of Forever 21, not the plus size Faith line. You clearly lack reading comprehension skills!!!

(The last 1 is my favorite.)

I have the best idea for a game show. It can be called "So You Think You're a Size Two" where contestants like Kim, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, and any other delusional moron who has ever referred to themselves as a size two have to attempt to put on actual size two clothing in front of a studio audience (and America). Tyra Banks would host of course and any(every)one who didn't fit in the clothes would have to yell "KISS MY FAT ASS!"

In other useless bitches with the last name Kardashian news, Kim's two sisters just got their own reality show for some unknown reason.

Happy 4/20!

Asshat Idol - Top Seven - Movie Week

This week's theme on American Idol was "Songs From Movies That Other American Idol Contestants Have Already Done a Million Times." "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing": CHECK. "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" CHECK. "Have You Ever Really, Really Ever Loved a Woman?": CHECK. Yawn.

However fortunately, we have Adam:



I mean, even Rob Halford was sitting at home like "Damn!" Then he added, "Shit, he's pretty hot too. Wonder if I'm too old for him."

The only problem with Adam is where the hell is he going to go from here? I mean, is there more or did he blow his load with this? Guess we'll have to wait and see what next week's theme is ("Metal Night" please!!).

Lil Rounds is about to cut a bitch:




Lil' Rounds responded to the judges' previous criticism about choosing adult contemporary songs by singing "The Rose" by Bette Midler. She attempted to throw some gospel in the middle of it to make it her own, but the judges hated it anyway. Then Lil' finally cracked and delivered a verbal beatdown. Sadly, I couldn't find video of it (the one above cuts off before the judges' critique) but it went something like this:

Simon: "Little, you are not as good as we thought you were. You sucked. Allison is the only girl in this competition that has a chance. Oh screw that too, everyone knows Adam is going to win. So you should just sing Mary J Blige songs until you're voted off because that's your box."

Lil: "Ryan, may I say something?".....:


That doesn't really matter though, because in Lil's favor, she has gained Megan's fans and according to DIALIDOL it's going to be Kris or Matt. (WTF, Gokey's in first place?! What the fuck is wrong with America?)

Random Shit I Found on YouTube

Hey kids! You don't need to buy expensive trendy designer clothes by Calvin Klein, Gloria Vanderbilt, or Bill Blass to be a real hot dog, just check out Mr. T's tips on how to be stylin in this amazing 80's treasure.

Donna's Back on 90210! Hijinks and Shenanigans ensue!

Here's a sneak peek at tonight's episode of 90210 with the return of Donna Martin, Fashion Designer Extraordinaire:



So, Silver's normal again?

I say good for her!

Lindsay Lohan posted a fake eHarmony ad on FunnyorDie.com:

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

Not buying it

Useless slut, Tila Tequila, claims a crazed stalker broke into her house yesterday while she was out at a friend's Easter barbeque, smashed her living room and locked her dog in the trunk of her car.

Tila Twittered (yes, she Twittered!):

"Someone did indeed break into my house. It's been a very scary night for me... Too much has happened. I am scared, exhausted and drained but I am ok! Want to apologize to my fans who were worried about me.
I'm moving into a different house very soon because I have a stalker who is very much so endangering my life at the moment... They broke everything in my living room....EVERYTHING IS SHATTERED! I'm so sad right now....this sucks. Then I found my dog locked in the trunk of my car!!!!!!!!!! I've been crying all night. This is fucked up. I'm sad and shocked... I'm still shaking and crying! My dog in the trunk of the car, house is shattered, everything is smashed! I'm staying at a friends house 2nite. Please pay attention to me!! Remember me? I'm a reality star! If I have a stalker, that means I am still relevant dammit. Like that girl on Dancing With the Stars, hey I could be on that show... ARE YOU LISTENING PRODUCERS? Hopefully this will make E! News. Oh shit, I just realized that I broke the glass from the inside."

SOURCE

The Duggars are planning to take over the world

Seriously, think about it: If each of their eighteen kids have eighteen kids of their own, that's 324 Duggars. Then their eighteen kids will have eighteen kids and so on and so on and before you know it, the Duggars will control Earth and we'll all be forced to join that crazy ass cult where everybody has really ugly clothes and bad hair and gets molested by Daddy Jim Bob!! I seem to remember Nostradamus mentioning this once.

And it's starting with their oldest son, Joshua, 21. Joshua's new wife Anna is pregnant with the couple's first child. The couple told PEOPLE they are planning a "name theme" like Joshua's parents (all eighteen kids' names start with "J") which means, they are planning to have many, many more.

SOURCE

All I can say is:

Another womb
Preparing for wreckage
Now that Michelle’s out of her prime
More Duggar children
A new generation
They’ll have two hundred kids combined
And I wonder are they all fucking deranged?
And if under the bad hair, if they have any brains

We don't need another Duggar
We don't need no more sperm to roam
Why couldn’t his wife use some contraceptive foam?

Try looking for something….to do besides spawn
There’s stuff like knitting a sweater to wear
If music’s a passion, maybe try drumming
If not there’s reupholstering chairs
Then I’ll ponder if you can be the ones who will change it?
Cuz you don’t need a family the size of Ukraine
Where all names start with “J”

We don't need another Duggar
Michelle’s already got 18 at home
And we sure as hell don’t need another reality show

Please, Joshua and your wife…
Listen to my remarks
If you need yet another life
Get something that barks
Like a dog or something

Trouble (again) in Paradise?

"That Natalie Portman sure is cute."

There's a rumor going around that Angelina Jolie is rippin' over Natalie Portman personally requesting Brad Pitt to play her lover in a new movie.

A source said:

"Angelina had a massive fit and was shouting her head off. She accused Brad of flirting with Natalie. "Angelina can't help but feel threatened. Brad knows how jealous she gets but won't stop saying how gorgeous and intelligent Natalie is. He keeps saying she is 'cute as a button. Angelina worries about karma. It's eating her up and we're sure the cause of a lot of the rows is her not quite trusting Brad."

Ooohh, what goes around comes around!

There are also rumors that Brad had pleaded with Angie to attend couples' counselling in a desperate bid to save their relationship to which Angelina is said to have agreed to, but only after seeking the advice of her ex-husband Billy Bob Thornton. The source added: "This just caused more friction with Brad because although he doesn't have a problem with her talking to her exes, he doesn't understand why she would take Billy Bob's advice to try therapy as when he suggested it to her she reacted very angrily."

SOURCE

Wait a minute, Angelina asked BILLY BOB THORTON for advice?

When wrestlers make movies

Earlier today, I posted about the upcoming awesome tough-guy movie, The Expendables, and I mentioned that the cast should include more wrestlers in it. How funny that on the very same day, I came across this trailer for an upcoming (most likely straight-to-DVD) thriller called End Game (no, not that one, that's a whole nother thing) that made me maybe want to rethink my earlier statement.

End Game stars the amazing roided-out crazy bitch and Olympic gold-medalist, Kurt Angle, as a crazy psychopathic serial killer. Wait, it gets better! The film also stars Jenna Morasca of Survivor and Playboy fame (and now appearing along with Kurt on TNA aka: the poor man's WWE). She plays, wait for it, a stripper! This is actually a real movie. And not a porn (obviously, those have much better acting.). I especially love the clown getup (Doink!). Try to get through it without laughing (or chanting "YOU SUCK!")



All I can say is, John Cena's gotta feel a whole lot better about 12 Rounds after checking out this trailer.

Guess who may be getting married.........again

Stop me if you've heard this one - Pamela Anderson may be getting married again.

Rumors started after Pam's designer friend, Richie Rich (the hell?), told people at a party this week in Miami that he is working on designing her a wedding gown. Richie was quoted as saying "I already did one - we'll do another one" in response to a question about designing a wedding gown for Pam after she gushed about her boyfriend. He didn't mention if the dress would be white.

Pam is currently dating scuba diver (insert your own "going down under with an oxygen tank" joke here) Jamie Padgett.

SOURCE

Best Actress: Saaphyri

On I Love Money this week, Becky "Buckwild" and Saaphyri "Lip Chap" tried to come up with a plan to make the 15 minute decision making time in the Vault run out so they would have a chance of being safe from elimination. The first plan, Buckwild pouring water over everyone (without even any soap or nuthin'!) failed, so then Saaphyri had to draw upon her exquisite acting chops (2:00) to carry out their strategy. She was amazing (and demure - 3:03), however maybe too convincing for her own good because when the medics arrived, they pulled out the needle and thus, the plan was yet foiled again.

VH1 really needs to give these two a show (screw that Daisy of Love crap!), they're like the new Lucy and Ethel.

Possibly the most badass movie of all time

Fuck that Sex and the City crap, I'm looking forward to the testosteronefest, The Expendables, opening 2010.

Have you heard about this one yet? Written, directed, and starring Sylvester Stallone, it's the story of a team of mercenaries that go to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator. You know the plot's not important though, because it's just an excuse to blow things up real good. Real, real good.

Check out this motherfucking cast: Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Randy Couture (UFC). As for estrogen, so far there's only Charisma Carpenter (Thumbs up! Longtime girl crush!) and Brittany Murphy (Good on her for finally getting some work!)

This has the potential to acheive the level of awesomeness that Snakes on a Plane could have if it was good (and if they didn't kill the chihuahua.) They just need to cast Samuel L. Jackson, Steven Seagal, Jackie Chan, The Rock, Vin Diesel, Bruce Willis, Mr. T, about half the WWE, and of course, Chuck Norris.

This will sweep the Oscars in 2011!

Sex and the City Sequel Spoilers

A source recently revealed to MSNBC some possible plots for the 'Sex and the City' movie. So stop reading this RIGHT NOW if you don't want to know. But it's probably better if you do, so you can save your money.


Samantha's going to become a broke-ass bitch:

"The proposed story line for Samantha will be her having to downsize her big-spending life after some of her investments get wiped out. You will see her having to survive on a more modest budget but still staying true to her fabulous taste."

As for everyone that screamed at the ending of the first movie when Carrie married Big, they may be screaming "I told you so dumbass!" during this one:

" The sequel will include key scenes of Carrie and Big in London [Carrie will move to London with her husband 'Mr. Big' after his business in New York starts to suffer], possibly shooting this winter for six weeks. Big loses a lot of money and takes a job in London, living alone in a one-bedroom apartment. Big gets really low and ends up in bed with another woman. After she leaves him Carrie discovers she is pregnant."

(However, Chris Noth has not yet signed on for the sequel so that storyline may not even happen.)


What the hell? Samantha shops at Fashion Bug? Big cheats on a pregnant Carrie? Why don't they just kill off Miranda and make if even more fucking depressing? God. They should have quit after the first one. Bad, bad idea.

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Buffy's Pregnant!

Congrats to Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. who announced today that they are expecting their first child together! The baby is due in the fall.

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Britney pulled an Axl

The "Circus" tour is already starting to go the way of the "Onyx Hotel" tour. Britney Spears walked off the stage three songs into her show last night in Vancouver after complaining about the smoky air in the arena. After storming off, an announcement was made:

"The building is awfully smoky. It is uncomfortable for everyone on stage, including Ms. Spears. Please extinguish all cigarettes – this is a non-smoking building, and the show will resume when the smoke on the stage is cleared."

During the unexpected thirty-minute intermission, music played and the crowd grew more and more agitated, booing and yelling insults.

Britney eventually came back on and finished her show but the crowd were not very grateful. At the end of the show Britney concluded with telling the audience, "Vancouver, don't smoke weed." (Yeah, that'll happen in Vancouver. Vancouver.)

After the show, Britney's publicist released a statement to the Associated Press, saying that "crew members above the stage became ill due to a ventilation issue."

Below is audio of the announcement, along with comments from the crowd. I love the guy that keeps yelling "You're a ho!"



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America hates blind people!

You should be ashamed of yourself America! And judges for not using the save! Scott MacIntyre was sent home on American Idol last night. Ok, so he was probably the worst one left, but he's blind! Or is he? (Anyone catch when he said "I'll have to watch my performance back." Hmmmm. Nice job!)

Well, goodbye Scott. I sure am going to miss him in the group numbers. I'll also miss the Braille Vote For the Worst banner:


Oh also, FloRida? FloRida? Are you fucking kidding me Idol? God I hate that shit. As if that song hasn't been tortured enough.

Next week - Songs from movies. And guess what? Quentin Tarantino's back!

Octomom - The TV Show

We all knew it was coming.

Nadya Suleman reportedly has a reality show in the works. The show which is being described as “Jon & Kate Plus 8” meets “The Bachelor”will chronicle her life raising 14 children and looking for love. (I'm guessing the men will consist of aspiring cult leaders.) Further details, including the network which will carry the show, have not yet been disclosed.
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There's only one way this could possibly work:

Here's the story of a crazy lady
who already had too many freaking kids
all of them hoped to be sold, to Angelina
the youngest prayed for sids

The lady's story, it got more shady
When she wanted eight more kids of her own
Her vagina became a clown car
and America groaned

Then the lady whored herself to tv fellows
And some wackass (probably Fox) producer had a hunch,
That a crew should document this family
And then we'll call this trash tv the Octo bunch

The Octo bunch, the Octo bunch
Tune in, you'll be sure to lose your lunch!

With Gloria Allred!

And Dr. Phil as Sam the Butcher!

Goodbye Megan! I won't forget to caw!

VFTW

Sorry about the no Asshat Idol post this week. I did try yesterday, but the fucking copyright police took down every freaking performance from YouTube.

It doesn't really matter though, because there really weren't any standout performances (no, not even Adam) on Tuesday night. The real highlights were on last night's results show when America's favorite songbird, Megan, was eliminated. I hate when people use the term "EPIC", but there really is no other way to describe just how awesome Megan's exit was:



Way to go out Megan!! Tatianna, Norman Gentle, Adam's Ring of Fire, and Megan = BEST AI SEASON EVER! Suck it Simon!

Oh and then there was this insanity:



I'll confess I don't know much about this Lady Gaga person all the kids are listening to these days. I've heard her name mentioned a lot over the past couple years, especially when Christina Aguilera ripped off her gimmick that time, but I've never actually seen a Lady Gaga performance. Wow, that was pretty amazing. It kind of reminded me of those weird alternative videos they used to show on 120 Minutes. I sure hope we get to see a Lady Gaga/Adam Glambert duet on the finale.

Happy Friday!

Here's one for all the TwitterTwats out there (I'm talking to you John Mayer):

Asshat Idol - Top 10- Motown Week

It's too bad that everyone was pretty good last night on American Idol. Not really any trainwrecks, well unless you count Paula.



Oh Paula, don't you know you're supposed to live above the influence?



MOST AWESOME PERFORMANCE:

It's a tie -



&



Congrats to Allison for kicking everyone in the face for that bottom three bullshit last week and to Adam for continuing to be the most interesting contestant this show has ever had. If there is any justice in the world these will be the final 2.

MOST AWESOMELY AWFUL PERFORMANCE:



Not as awesomely awful as her past performances, but still pretty bad. But fun. Megan may be in trouble though, so she cawled upon her fans to vote! Hopefully they did enough to keep her beautiful feathered head around another week.

DOUCHE ALERT!:



Danny Gookey decided that he didn't need to listen to Smokey Robinson's advice because he's too much of a douche. Hopefully this will piss everyone off and the pimping will finally stop.


NOW AUDITIONING FOR DREAMGIRLS 2:




EVERYONE ELSE:



Bottom 3 predictions: Oil Rig guy (what the hell is his name?), Blind Scott, and Megan (NOOO!)

You're pissing me off Kathy!

Kathy Griffin shopping with Paris Hilton? WTF?

Jennifer #1 Sexiest Woman in Hollywood?

Jennifer Aniston has topped Details Magazine's new list of Hollywood's Sexiest Women.

The top five is:

1. Jennifer Aniston
2. Megan Fox
3. Gisele Bundchen
4. Frieda Pinto
5. Kim Kardashian

Hmmm, no Angie?



Very funny Jen!

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Hey, remember Jamie Lynn Spears?

Britney's sister has reportedly called off her wedding to babydaddy Casey Aldridge. However, despite rumors of infidelity in the relationship, the couple is still together.

A source told OK! magazine, "The wedding’s off. They are still in love, living together and very happy, but they have no plans to get married. Jamie Lynn has everything she wants and feels no need for a ring and piece of paper."

The source also added that Jamie Lynn is going to quite showbusiness once and focus on being a mother: "She has told friends and family she’s never coming back to Hollywood. She feels that part of her life is over. Jamie Lynn enjoyed every minute of doing Zoey, but since she’s had Maddie, her life has changed completely. She's happy being a real hands-on Southern mother and hopes to continue that for years to come with Casey right by her side. Jamie Lynn knows she needs to make a living when she grows older, so she’s already discussing her career options with advisers. She wants Maddie to grow up in comfort."

Career options = look for Jamie working the register at the local Piggly Wiggly. Good for her!

Ok, so that's one down......

When Celebrities Go to McDonald's - The Pharrell Williams Edition

Pharrell>>>>>Ashlee Simpson

Ladies and Gentlemen, your next American Idol

So the damn President decided he's going to make some damn speech tonight which means no American Idol until tomorrow night. BOOOO!!! Damn issues and shit.

However if you're jonsing for another outrageous Adam Glambert performance, you don't have to wait until tomorrow. This one's everything you'd expect it to be, and then some. And then some more:

"Put it in me Scott!"

You know tv's getting pretty bad when you talk more about the commercials than actual shows.

About a week ago, I mentioned that fucked up cell phone commercial with the pigs eating a pig but Quiznos new commercial for their new foot long torpedo tops that. Let's watch the adventures of curious Scott and the hot slut known as Mr. Toaster.



Damn, anybody got a ciggie? I do feel a little gypped out of money shot though. You know there was a version of that commercial with mayo shooting out of the torpedo.

However, still, not better than this one:



Quiznos is so whacked, I want to get a job in their advertising department.

John Mayer is a TwitterTwat

So Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer broke up. Again.

The latest rumor is that Jenn dumped John because he was too obsessed with Twitter (STILL DON'T GET THAT SHIT!)

A source told U.K. magazine Star, "Jen was fuming. There he was, telling her he didn’t have time for her and yet his page was filled with updates! Every few hours, sometimes minutes, he’d update with some stupid line. She was like, ‘He has time for all this Twittering, but he can’t send me a text, an email, make a call?’ He didn’t deny it. He knew he was avoiding her. So when she ended things, he just said OK, and he was sorry it didn’t work out.”

You can read John Mayer's Twitter here. Here are a few examples of John's twats:

the man is dressed in a teal polo shirt and is eating an ice cream cone by way of cocking his head to one side and spinning across tongue.

We know 'fight or flight' but in a civilized society we rely more on "posture" and "submit." It's a psychic war. When 2 rise, when 2 give in

Seriously, let me get the spread gun. You're better than me and I need it. There it is... hold on, let me... DICK!!

Today, let's get out there with 30 lives!! UP UP DOWN DOWN B A B A SELECT START!!!! Let's go people!! Let me get the spread gun, please.

This crap reminds of that kid in high school (everybody had one) that always made such an effort to so bizarre and eclectic by writing random shit like Sonic Youth lyrics on their book covers or the chalkboard but you could tell they were trying way too hard and were actually just a total attention whore.

By the way John, it's UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A SELECT START dumbass!

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