Thursday, November 8, 2007

An Open Letter to E! Entertainment Network

To Whom It May Concern (I'm guessing that probably includes Ryan Seacrest):

I am writing to you as an avid viewer of your network. (Well I don't watch that Kimora Simmons show or
Katie and Peter - who the hell are they anyway? Oh yeah, and Keeping Up the Kardashians? Come on now. I think I speak for most of America when I say "WHY?!" For the record The Girls Next Door are also in the "why" category. You really need to adopt the following motto for deciding whether or not to give talentless Hollywood bimbos reality shows: "Already seen their boobs? Keep them off the tube." A lot of suffering could be spared that way.)

So basically, I watch
The Soup and sometimes a couple of minutes of one of your various pointless countdown shows on a Saturday afternoon (although that's usually only if I've already seen the pointless countdown show that simultaneously airs on VH1.)

Did I mention I really love
The Soup?

One thing I really did enjoy was a couple of years ago when you had the Michael Jackson courtroom reenactments. That shit ruled. That was appointment TV right there.

Now I know you're probably thinking, "that was over two years ago, what would make you think of that?" (Unless you are Ryan, I know what you're thinking about. Oh and I hate to tell you but everyone knows, so just admit it already. You'll feel better. Just ask Lance Bass.) Today I was reading a story on Britney's latest court appearance. Her lawyer reportedly defended Brit not showing up to her 8:00 AM drug test by saying that pop stars don't get up that early. She even told the judge: "You are not a pop star with a number one album, so you don't know," which resulted in the the courtroom erupting in laughter. While reading this, I was picturing the scene in my head (as I'm sure everyone who did was) and it was awesome. Then I thought, how much more awesomer would it be to actually see it for real? Now as we all know, sadly, cameras are prohibited from the courtroom, much like they were in the Michael Jackson case. DING DING DING!!! Courtroom reenactments!

You guys really need to do this!! Since it's from actual transcripts and there is no need for writers, it's perfect timing with the strike that's going on. You could get Mini-Britney to play Britney and for Kevin, well, the real K-Fed isn't doing much these days! And you can call it Law and Chaotic Order. And why just stop at Britney? OJ's back in court! Every day there's some moron celebrity getting busted for drunk driving instead of just hiring a damn driver or taking a freaking cab, so the possibilities are endless. Ripped from the tabloid headlines!

Of course I will be taking a small percentage for coming up with the idea, but I'm not greedy. Just give me one Kardashian asscheek's worth. That's plenty for my modest lifestyle. I mean what more do you need than Taco Bell 7 Layer Burritos and a couple bottles of Boones Farm? I'm sure Britney herself would hear me on that one.

Think about it and get back to me.


Your Mama

What's in the box?

A) Aqua Net

B) Bazooka

C) Crack

D) All of the above

Random Hollywood Bitchfight of the Week

So did you hear the one about the bitchfight between George Clooney and Fabio? No really.

Both were recently dining at the LA restaurant, Madeo, when George flipped off Fabio when he thought a woman in Fabio's party was taking photos of him. Fabio defended the women, saying that she wasn't taking pictures of him, but of her dinner party. Fabio also reportedly instructed George to "stop being a diva." With that, all hell broke loose and it escalated into a shoving match (because pretty boys don't actually hit each other in the

Let's settle this right here on Asshat Hollywood shall we?

Please welcome our special guests George Clooney and Fabio.

I'll start with you George. Tell me, why did you think that woman was taking pictures of you at the restaurant?

"Are you joking? Look at me! I'm the reigning Sexiest Man Alive for the second time."

"Who cares about the People Magazine, I am Fabio. I make my living being sexy. I don't even have to act or speak. That's how sexy I am. They just take my picture and give me money."

"So you are proud that you have no talent whatsoever?

"I did not say that. I am sexy. You think that is not talent? Look at this!"

"Oh, please, I don't need to wear a loincloth to prove that I'm sexy."

Excuse me, George! Yoo-hoo, um yeah, over here. I think you just may have to. I don't have a loincloth handy though so you'll have to use this Post-It note.

"Can I go now? I have go sign tubs of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter for women that are in love with me but will never have me because I am too sexy for them."

"Christ. Where's a bird and a roller-coaster when you need one?"

"That was a very traumatic experience for me and very low of you to bring up, you diva! You leave me no choice but to match it."

"You wouldn't."

"You take the good, you take the bad..."

"Stop it."

"You take them both and there you have the Facts of Life, the Facts of Life..."



"You want another shovin', don't ya BUTTERBOY!!!"

George and Fabio had to go. They are currently outside shoving and slapping each other in a mud pit filled with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter if any of you are interested.


Official interview sponsor

Shut up Tom!

For no apparent reason Tom Cruise has decided to announce that he is above worldly possessions and has shunned his multi-million dollar fortune in favor or a more simplistic lifestyle. Tom believes that his family and career are much more important than 250 million dollars.

Tom recently said, "I have no iPhone, no mobile, no e-mail address, no watch, no jewelery, no wallet. I simply want to be with my children and make movies. I am the boss of 1,000 people (but) I don't see myself as an icon."

Well duh, if you want to achieve the the highest level of Operating Thetan, it's gonna cost you!


What? She's pregnant?

The secret is out! Jennifer Lopez has finally confirmed she and Skeletor are expecting a baby!!

While on stage at a concert in Miami, Jen said "Marc and I are expecting." Marc then kissed the bump and added"I didn’t know she was going to talk".

Thank god, now we can all sleep at night!


Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Those Crazy McCartneys!

Paul McCartney has a new woman in his life to comfort him through his awesomely messy divorce battle with Heather Mills. Her name Nancy Shevell and she's got it all: looks, money, two legs, and a HUSBAND!

Nancy, 47, is the wife of Bruce Blakeman, a commissioner of the New York Port Authority and a partner in a top New York law firm. Nancy has her own money though, she is the vice president of her family’s successful transport firm. Nancy and Bruce have been married for 23 years and have a teenage son named Arlen. They are also supporters of George Bush and contributed to his presidential campaign in 2004. Oh Paul!

Nancy has recently dropped her husband's last name, Blakeman, and is now going by Nancy Shevell.

Paul and Nancy were spotted strolling arm-in-arm and kissing in the Hamptons recently. Sources say they were routinely spotted dining at area restaurants and at each other's mansions.

Meanwhile, Heather Mills is still bringing the crazy to anyone that will listen to her.

Accusing Paul of being a tightwad:
“This is a man that hangs on to his money. He wouldn’t be as rich if he didn’t. Who needs that kind of money?”

On not wanting any money from Paul: “When I left I said ‘I don’t want a penny, all I want is for you to protect me. I want my reputation, so I can carry on my work with the charity."

On being gagged (not really, but we can dream?):“He wants me to be gagged and they won’t give me a divorce until I’m gagged. So I’m waiting for the two-year separation. If I wanted to speak before this, I would have spoken by now. He forced me into a corner. It’s not about wanting to speak, it’s about having the right to protect myself and my daughter."

On the non-existant prenup: "I offered a prenup. Paul refused, saying it isn’t romantic. I offered to walk away with nothing if he protected me.”

So this is about protection, not money? If she didn't demand any money and just left the relationship, why would she need to worry about her reputation? And what does she mean by protection? Does she want a bodyguard? Does she want condoms? Is protection another word for something in England, you know, like lift? And Paul is cheap. But it's not about money, it's about protection.

My head hurts. She's as batshit as Britney. They should lock them up in a looneybin together and make a reality show out of it called Crazy Bitches. They could even use the Buckcherry song as the theme song.


But wait, there's more!

Paul's daughter, fashion designer and Heather-hater Stella McCartney is creating a stir after revealing her latest design : a silver leg pendant to honor her soon to be ex-stepmum.

A source told Britain's Daily Mirror newspaper: "She unveiled it to fashion industry insiders in Paris last month. A lot of people thought it was really edgy while others secretly thought it was out of order. It's such an obvious dig at Heather. It will cause a stir when it goes on sale."

Heather has not commented on whether this is the first piece in a jewelery collection featuring celebrity dismembered body parts. I hope it is, I want a Rick Allen arm necklace, a Michael Jackson nose charm bracelet and the Star Jones complete set of silver fat cells!



Pete Doherty is dancing with Mr. Brownstone again. UK's The Sun has cameraphone video and photos of Pete shooting up heroin in his home hours after he claimed to be clean at at the MTV European Music Awards in Germany. The paper is also calling for his arrest. (Why? Then they won't have anything to write about.) No word on whether the cameraphone user was the same person that took those pics of Kate Moss doing coke last year.

You can check out the video and photos here if you really want to. All joking aside, it's actually really sad to look at. This guy's gonna die in 2008, I guarantee it.


Still has not confirmed pregnancy.