Funhouse vs. Circus

Pink still don't wanna be a stupid girl. The singer is reportedly pissed with people accusing her of copying Britney Spears' circus theme, with her upcoming similarly-themed Funhouse world tour that will be hitting the states this summer, because her album (also named Funhouse) actually came out before Britney's.

Pink says, "Had I known that certain other people were going to base their latest thing about circus things, I probably would have went into another direction. I was six months before that and didn't really understand that it was a trend that was happening. I'm pretty out of the loop."

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Also "in the loop?" World's sweetheart, Susan Boyle, with her upcoming Carnival tour!

The Duggars are planning to take over the world

Seriously, think about it: If each of their eighteen kids have eighteen kids of their own, that's 324 Duggars. Then their eighteen kids will have eighteen kids and so on and so on and before you know it, the Duggars will control Earth and we'll all be forced to join that crazy ass cult where everybody has really ugly clothes and bad hair and gets molested by Daddy Jim Bob!! I seem to remember Nostradamus mentioning this once.

And it's starting with their oldest son, Joshua, 21. Joshua's new wife Anna is pregnant with the couple's first child. The couple told PEOPLE they are planning a "name theme" like Joshua's parents (all eighteen kids' names start with "J") which means, they are planning to have many, many more.

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All I can say is:

Another womb
Preparing for wreckage
Now that Michelle’s out of her prime
More Duggar children
A new generation
They’ll have two hundred kids combined
And I wonder are they all fucking deranged?
And if under the bad hair, if they have any brains

We don't need another Duggar
We don't need no more sperm to roam
Why couldn’t his wife use some contraceptive foam?

Try looking for something….to do besides spawn
There’s stuff like knitting a sweater to wear
If music’s a passion, maybe try drumming
If not there’s reupholstering chairs
Then I’ll ponder if you can be the ones who will change it?
Cuz you don’t need a family the size of Ukraine
Where all names start with “J”

We don't need another Duggar
Michelle’s already got 18 at home
And we sure as hell don’t need another reality show

Please, Joshua and your wife…
Listen to my remarks
If you need yet another life
Get something that barks
Like a dog or something

When wrestlers make movies

Earlier today, I posted about the upcoming awesome tough-guy movie, The Expendables, and I mentioned that the cast should include more wrestlers in it. How funny that on the very same day, I came across this trailer for an upcoming (most likely straight-to-DVD) thriller called End Game (no, not that one, that's a whole nother thing) that made me maybe want to rethink my earlier statement.

End Game stars the amazing roided-out crazy bitch and Olympic gold-medalist, Kurt Angle, as a crazy psychopathic serial killer. Wait, it gets better! The film also stars Jenna Morasca of Survivor and Playboy fame (and now appearing along with Kurt on TNA aka: the poor man's WWE). She plays, wait for it, a stripper! This is actually a real movie. And not a porn (obviously, those have much better acting.). I especially love the clown getup (Doink!). Try to get through it without laughing (or chanting "YOU SUCK!")



All I can say is, John Cena's gotta feel a whole lot better about 12 Rounds after checking out this trailer.

Best Actress: Saaphyri

On I Love Money this week, Becky "Buckwild" and Saaphyri "Lip Chap" tried to come up with a plan to make the 15 minute decision making time in the Vault run out so they would have a chance of being safe from elimination. The first plan, Buckwild pouring water over everyone (without even any soap or nuthin'!) failed, so then Saaphyri had to draw upon her exquisite acting chops (2:00) to carry out their strategy. She was amazing (and demure - 3:03), however maybe too convincing for her own good because when the medics arrived, they pulled out the needle and thus, the plan was yet foiled again.

VH1 really needs to give these two a show (screw that Daisy of Love crap!), they're like the new Lucy and Ethel.

Britney pulled an Axl

The "Circus" tour is already starting to go the way of the "Onyx Hotel" tour. Britney Spears walked off the stage three songs into her show last night in Vancouver after complaining about the smoky air in the arena. After storming off, an announcement was made:

"The building is awfully smoky. It is uncomfortable for everyone on stage, including Ms. Spears. Please extinguish all cigarettes – this is a non-smoking building, and the show will resume when the smoke on the stage is cleared."

During the unexpected thirty-minute intermission, music played and the crowd grew more and more agitated, booing and yelling insults.

Britney eventually came back on and finished her show but the crowd were not very grateful. At the end of the show Britney concluded with telling the audience, "Vancouver, don't smoke weed." (Yeah, that'll happen in Vancouver. Vancouver.)

After the show, Britney's publicist released a statement to the Associated Press, saying that "crew members above the stage became ill due to a ventilation issue."

Below is audio of the announcement, along with comments from the crowd. I love the guy that keeps yelling "You're a ho!"



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Octomom - The TV Show

We all knew it was coming.

Nadya Suleman reportedly has a reality show in the works. The show which is being described as “Jon & Kate Plus 8” meets “The Bachelor”will chronicle her life raising 14 children and looking for love. (I'm guessing the men will consist of aspiring cult leaders.) Further details, including the network which will carry the show, have not yet been disclosed.
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There's only one way this could possibly work:

Here's the story of a crazy lady
who already had too many freaking kids
all of them hoped to be sold, to Angelina
the youngest prayed for sids

The lady's story, it got more shady
When she wanted eight more kids of her own
Her vagina became a clown car
and America groaned

Then the lady whored herself to tv fellows
And some wackass (probably Fox) producer had a hunch,
That a crew should document this family
And then we'll call this trash tv the Octo bunch

The Octo bunch, the Octo bunch
Tune in, you'll be sure to lose your lunch!

With Gloria Allred!

And Dr. Phil as Sam the Butcher!

"Put it in me Scott!"

You know tv's getting pretty bad when you talk more about the commercials than actual shows.

About a week ago, I mentioned that fucked up cell phone commercial with the pigs eating a pig but Quiznos new commercial for their new foot long torpedo tops that. Let's watch the adventures of curious Scott and the hot slut known as Mr. Toaster.



Damn, anybody got a ciggie? I do feel a little gypped out of money shot though. You know there was a version of that commercial with mayo shooting out of the torpedo.

However, still, not better than this one:



Quiznos is so whacked, I want to get a job in their advertising department.

Octomom's Mother - "I think she's crazy too!"

RadarOnline posted a video of batshit Nadya Suleman arguing with her mother. Those lips really start going when Octo loses her shit when her mother suggests giving up the babies for adoption.

Anyone else smell a sitcom? It's the next Kath and Kim!

More bullshit with Nadya Suleman

"All lies. I have no interest in her. None," she says. "I've never been a fan of anybody famous. Now I kinda have a taste. But it's not being famous – it's being infamous. It's a nightmare." - Octomonster desperately trying to keep her name in the news by still denying that she is obsessed with St. Angelina.

By the way, if anyone out there is bummed that Nadya's donation website is closed, have no fear!! Donate to this guy!

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Aren't the 15 minutes up on her yet?

Michael's latest disease

Michael Jackson used to come out with new albums. Then he'd come out new body parts. After that, he'd come out with new criminal accusations and lawsuits. It seems like his latest thing is to come out with a new disease every few months. If you remember, in the not too distant past there were rumors that he was suffering from some fatal lung disease. Then those rumors were shot down and we didn't hear much more about them.

Now there are reports that Michael has contracted a potentially "flesh-eating" superbug.

SUPERBUG!!

Michael allegedly got the infection while having his 73rd (rough estimate) nose surgery. A source said: "The infection has spread throughout his face and body and is being aggressively treated by doctors. There's a chance it could turn into a flesh-eating disorder where it begins to kill off his skin, so he's being very carefully monitored."

Michael was recently seen leaving a clinic, where he is allegedly being treated for the MRSA-like bug with an IV drip, wearing a surgical mask.

Celebrity plastic surgeon Dr. Anthony Youn commented : "It is possible that Mr. Jackson has a staph infection or MRSA. "In some worse cases surgeons will have to remove the infected tissue if it dies - leaving the patient needing major reconstructive surgery. It is particularly worrying if it's on the face."

See you next time when Michael is rumored to have gangrene!

Superbug's cute, isn't he?

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Can you say uncomfortable?

In case you missed it, here's Joaquin Phoenix's "appearance" on Letterman last night:

WTF...

you talkin' bout bitch?

A woman and her son wait for the bus

Someone is darning a hole in a uniform

Someone is trying to make music somewhere with a pair of wooden spoons on an oil drum with cello, boom box, harmonica, voice

This is Yale professor Elizabeth Alexander's inaugural poem for Barack Obama.

My thoughts are pretty much the same as the kid standing next to Michelle. "HUH?"

You know everyone's gonna be all "that was so inspiring and moving" because they want to sound smart, but she could have switched over to "Green Eggs and Ham" and I don't think many people would have have known the difference.

Fight at the Rock of Love Charm School reunion, and it's not Heather!

On Rock of Love Charm School a few weeks ago, Megan Hauserman was expelled after she kicked Brandi M. Host Sharon Osbourne told her she just would not tolerate violent behavior.

However, what Sharon didn't mention to Megan at the time was that the no violence rule did not apply to her!

At the RoL Charm School reunion special taping Saturday night, Megan insulted Sharon by telling her that she was "only famous for managing a brain dead rock star." Oh snap!! (Oh Megan, you poor, dumb, slut. That may very well be true, but you never, EVER say it to Sharon's face!) That was it. Sharon reportedly jumped up, ran across the stage and grabbed Megan by her hair and beat her ass down. Security had to separate the two. Megan went to the hospital the following day and was seen exiting wearing a sling. She also filed a report with the LAPD.

Megan is next up to star in her own VH1 reality show called Trophy Wife (Christ, make this shit stop!) in which she searches for love with a sugardaddy. She may not need one after this is all settled.

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Heigl's lovin' it

BREAKING NEWS!!! Katherine Heigl celebrated her 30th birthday last night in Hollywood with a 1920's themed party, but on the way, she stopped at Micky D's for some grub.

According to reports, the Rolls-Royce she was riding in went through a Hollywood drive-through and Katherine was spotted scarfing down a Big MAC in her expensive gown!! Who knew, she always seemed so healthy!

McDonald's later commented to New York Post, "Our food is well-known and well-liked by millions - including talented, world-famous actresses."

No word on who the talented, world-famous actresses are.

Hey, Katherine's old enough to remember this:

Dude, don't call me Dudley!

Hey remember that old, crazy, murderin' fuck? Not, not him, I'm talking about that gun-loving Phil Spector. Did anyone even know he's on trial again for killing that woman? (The first trial ended last year with a deadlocked jury.)

So anyway, in yesterday's proceedings, his former girlfriend, Dorothy Melvin testified that she once witnessed Phil chase down a bunch of young kids with a loaded gun after they mistook him for late actor Dudley Moore.

Dorothy said, "He was screaming and yelling."

Hey Arthur 2 wasn't that bad! Ok, it was, but chill out dude!


Phil has allegedly also chased down people after being mistaken for Clay Aiken:


And Christina Aguilera:



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Chill Oprah!

Anybody else tired of listening to Oprah Winfrey run her mouth about Obama everywhere you turn? Nothing wrong with getting behind a candidate (although I do wish all these celebs would just keep it to themselves) but seriously, settle down Beavis! Even Barack's like "Ok, thanks for your support. I really need to go, umm, maybe you can go do some live paternity tests on your show or something now? Hey, look, there's Tom Cruise!"

Well as you could imagine, she's just losing her shit today. And now she may jinx him with the old "one chicken, two chickens, three chickens" after announcing on a morning radio talk show that she already has the gown that she will wear to his inaugural ball.

She told N.Y.C.’s Power 105 host Ed Lover this morning that she's been planning her ensemble since February with "vision boards" (I didn't know either. Apparently, it's some of that Secret type shit where you paste a bunch of photos to a board and then all your dreams will come true.)

She said:

“So help me God, I am looking at it right now…. Actually I started in February. I was speaking with Michelle [Obama] and Caroline Kennedy and Maria Shriver — we were all doing a big rally out in California. At the end of the rally Michelle Obama said something powerful, ‘and I want you to leave here and envision Barack Obama taking the oath of office’…. I created a vision board. I had never had a vision board before. I came home, I got me a board and put Barack Obama’s picture on it and I put a picture of my dress I want to wear to the inauguration. Last week I said to the stylist, ‘Take it out of the closet. Let’s take it out. Let’s hang it up, and let it air out.’”

Oprah inspired me to create my very own vision board:


Seriously, if you support Obama and he loses, blame Oprah. And if you are McCain supporter and he wins, thank her.

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The Batshit Report

Joaquin Phoenix recently stated that he is ending his acting career.

To let us all know that he wasn't kidding, at the LA premiere of his film Two Lovers, he wrote "Good Bye" across his knuckles.

When asked about his decision, Joaquin said,"I think it's just moving on. It's rediscovering something else. It's like greener pastures, you know what I mean? And so, I'm just going to try and like, I'll just be doing the other thing ... Hopefully, I will emotionally impact you with that, as well."

Ummmm, yeah ok Joaquin. Good luck with all that. Or is it "Luck Good"?

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Who looks like a bigger asshat?

Mariah:


or Kim?:

Dina: EVERYTHING'S FINE!!!

Dina Lohan attempted some damage control on the rumors that Lindsay's guest stint on Ugly Betty was cut short from six episodes to four because of Lindsay's behavior and disrespectful actions.

On Lindsay's alleged dispute with America Ferrara: "It was just silly. America's a doll."

On Lindsay bringing a large group of friends on set and trashing her dressing room: "And they said [Lindsay] brought a posse. It was my mother and myself, and Ali. It was not a posse. We had sushi and no one trashed the room."

On why the episode arc was cut to four episodes: "She had fun on Ugly Betty. "It was long hours and when you're on a movie set it's a lot different. She's not used to television, but it was fun."

On Samantha Ronson: "We've known the family for years, so it's great. Sam is so tough and smart. "She's a sweetheart."

Ok, let's activate the Asshat Hollywood Bullshit Translator:

TRANSLATION: "Please, movie and television producers, please buy this load of crap and hire my daughter. I have become accustomed to a certain lifestyle. Lindsay is my only hope. God knows, I've tried with the other one, but she's useless. Hey, how about a reality show about Lindsay and Sam's alternative relationship? I'm accepting of it you know, not like her father. I even said Sam's lovely, see?"

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Beyonce joins the batshit club!

Beyonce has decided she would now like to be known as Sasha Fierce. (Her first pick for a name, Ferosha Coutura, was already taken.)

Sasha is an alter ego that Beyonce created for her stage persona. She explains: "Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken side and more glamorous side that comes out when I'm working and when I'm on the stage. I have someone else that takes over when it's time for me to work and when I'm on stage, this alter ego that I've created that kind of protects me and who I really am.""

She has even created a MySpace page for Sasha.

Ironically, an anagram for Sasha Fierce is "SHE IS A FARCE".

Hey Mariah, you're finally off the hook, there's a new crazy bitch in town!


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