Friday, April 11, 2008

Vanilla Ice Is a Wife-beater....Allegedly

All right stop! Collaborate and listen
Ice is back, I've been taken to prison
Last night, I grabbed my wife tightly
Cause she bitched like spazz and pissed me off slightly

Would she ever stop? I didn't know
So I turned off the lights and I beat that ho

Cops came to the scene and took me in like a vandal
I was under pressure, but that's a whole other scandal



Expect a divorce soon

Gwyneth Paltrow's mother, Blythe Danner, is speaking out on rumors that there is trouble in her daughter's marriage to Chris Martin.

She told PEOPLE, "Oh no! They are really happily married. They are together all time. The public just does not see them together. They couldn't have a better marriage."

She says the reason we never see Gwyneth and Chris out together in public is because "They get so inundated and it's gotten so awful now that they can't go out and enjoy themselves. If they were both out together they would just get so overwhelmed and not enjoy themselves. So they do it for that reason."

Huh?? If they go out together they will be overwhelmed and not enjoy themselves? Yeah, they are SOOO in love!! Thanks for clearing that up Blythe!


America sucks, Seacrest sucks more

Last night on American Idol Ryan Seacrest decided to try his best to undo all the good that was accomplished with "Idol Gives Back" by ending the week of charity on a really, really, really mean note. It was shocking enough that Michael Johns was eliminated (yup, Kristy's still there.) but did we really need a long, drawn out, "maybe you'll get a stay of execution since we didn't eliminate anyone last year........maybe.......NAH!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!" Seacrest, you are indeed a douchebag.

I'm gonna miss Michael, I'm gonna even miss his ascots. It wasn't his time to go.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

They are registered at Hot Topic

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are engaged! Do we care?!!!

They released the following statement on

"We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes - it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, but we wanted you to hear it straight from us.- Ashlee and Pete "

No word whether or not Ashlee plans to lipsync her vows.


Is it over yet? I think it still may be on.

Here we go, I'm gonna try, that's all I'm gonna say.

So, Idol Gives Back, started promisingly enough with the dancers from So You Think You Can Dance dancing to 'Please Don't Stop the Music' performed by the AI contestants. No, really.

Hi Travis!!! Hi Benji!!! Hi... Donyelle?? Wow.

Then some sick people in Africa, then some Katrina victims.

Then some celebrities asking us to donate and I'm sitting there thinking "Ok, how much did
you donate?" Oh shit, there's Triple H!! AI and WWE - That's like a television paradox for me!

Then Ryan's got the top 12 (Hi Amanda!! Hi Chikezie!) answering phones and taking pledges and Syesha's holding up signs that say "Call Me" and mugging - I'm guessing she's auditioning for her next job in late-night "conversation" line commercials after she's voted off tonight. And...there are people in the audience watching!?? Yes, they are watching the American Idol contestants on a stage answering phones. For three hours. Even I couldn't bring myself to do that. So then Ryan pretends to talk to the people on the other end of the phone, blah, blah, blah, fluff , fluff, more fluff...

Then, I thought the station got switched to a porno, with the ol' plumber "you're pipes need cleaning" bit but it was a just lame skit leading up to Terri Hatcher performing "Before He Cheats." No really.

I kept waiting for Carrie to come out and finish the song, but that didn't happen because this performance was a caveat of the agreement Terri reached with Ryan when they ended their fake relationship. To make it even weirder, there's a band with a bunch of TV stars that are backing her up.

Ok, I'm already getting bored.

More sad stories of people....More celebrities.

Then Fergie performed with Heart. No really.

She pulled off the singing part but I don't know if the one-handed cartwheels were necessary. It was kind of like she was taunting Ann or something. "Ok, you sing better, but betcha can't do this!" Then she tried to take out both of the Wilson sisters, at least it looks that way.

More orphans and sadness. More solemn celebrities.

Ok, at this point, watching began to seem like a chore and I don't remember what order stuff came in so the rest is random thoughts. (See, I only said I'd try.)

Bily Crystal should have slapped her in the face when he had the chance.

Annie Lennox is divine.

Brad Pitt is so losing his hair (and Debbie the stage manager adlibs the only actual funny joke of the night).

Jimmy Kimmel owned Simon.

Robin Williams attempted to singlehandedly revive the Cold War:

Hysterical!! For 1984!! I will give Robin props for the Simon ass-grab though.

Speaking of ass-grabs, here's my personal highlight of the show. We all knew this was coming:

Not only ass grabbing, there was also boobstroking and floor humping!! Aww, Miley, I knew you had it in you! It's like Britney stripping at the VMA's all over again. I bet she feels so relieved now. Because skank is like farts, it's better to just let it out rather than try to hold it in.

Hey, need more cameltoe? Idol will give you back some more:

Here's Mariah and her happy hands with Randy Jackson on the longest bass I've ever seen in my life. It looks like he's got one of those big inflatable guitars the DJ gives out to drunk people at 80's party night

Can I stop now? I'm fried.

Oh wait! We almost forgot the confetti. Everyone knows you can't end a ten hour long telethon without confetti! What else? Oooh, a Jesus song! Yeah!! With everyone dressed in white!!! And a choir!! ROLL IT!

Ok Cook, you got my love back with that one.

Seacrest Out!

P.S. Is it wrong that after watching this show, that I'm desensitized to the poor and suffering?

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

This is gonna suck!

Remember when they did the Donald Trump vs. Rosie match? I'm guessing this is gonna be just as bad. Unless they got the writers from Celebrity Deathmatch.

Maybe Shelton Benjamin will play Obama and he'll finally win a match! And they're missing a huge opportunity if they don't get a Bill impersonator and bring out the Godfather and his ho-train!

I'm inspired to jump off a bridge

Sorry, but this week everybody just really pissed me off (they're all probably cranky and sleep deprived from IDOL GIVES BACK week. Charity is hard--unless of course you're Saint Angelina.) So this week, I'm just gonna explain why each one pissed me off.


Can you guess the first reason?? Perhaps Michael didn't get my memo last week to LOSE THE FUCKING ASCOT!!! It's like "fetch," you're not gonna make it happen. Only one person in the history of the world has been able to make the ascot happen- Freddie Jones from Scooby Doo, and you are no Freddie Jones, so cut the shit. And burn the rest of that stupid waiter outfit while you're at it. Yeah, just perform naked. That would work.

Anyway, he did ok, but the end where he tried to do the Steven Tyler screech wasn't so good. And sorry to be nitpicky, but he totally missed one of the
"Dream On's". I mean even Ace Young got that part right and he even added a little King Diamond spin on it!

So then Randy totally snaps and out of nowhere gives Michael a hard time about his song choice because "American Idol is not about dreams coming true!" (?)

Next up, to sing a song about dreams coming true written specifically for American Idol Season 3 winner Fantasia was Syesha. And..


The judges criticized her for attempting Whitney last week. So what does she do? She attempts another singer--a former American Idol winner who the judges, especially Simon, LOVE (even with that Lifetime movie!)and top it off with a little Mariah dogwhistle impression. Dumb, dumb, dumb!! She'll be going home this week because of her stupid song choice.

Speaking of song choice:


She always picks the perfect songs (well after the '8 Days a Week' debacle, that is) and even though I want to hate her, I'm forced to respect her for her cunning. And she sang it very well. Good job! And Fuck you Kristy!!


Well, when doesn't he? Although the fucking telethon vibe I get every week actually works well here since it's Inspirational Songs That David's Dad Likes week. Yawn, and I bet that piano ain't mic'd.


I thought Tiny Tim came back to life, but it was just Jason. I actually liked it, so I'm pissed off about that too.


This song went on for 22 minutes! And it's uncomfortable to watch her because she looks like she's about to crack and go psycho any minute. Like in Carrie: Good, nice girl freaking loses it one day and kills everybody with telekinesis.

Oh shit! Carrie's last name was White too. Hey Brooke, start with David's dad!! Then Seacrest!


She didn't listen to Simon about her clothes. Yeah, he said she looked better--but that doesn't mean she looked good. Is that a leotard under jeans? Song was ok, I guess. And it makes me think of Moulin Rouge which is always nice. But I'm still back to not caring.

And finally, and it hurts to have to do this but it pissed me off more than anything else...


The jacket. The weird low notes at the beginning. The pointy pose. The walking through the crowd. The singing to the judges. The fucking "GIVE BACK" on his hand (I think that was the worst part)!!!! Stop it! Stop it!! Stop it!!!

Shit Cook, you had me, why'd you have to go and do that?

GIVE BACK the David I love!

And speaking of giving back, can somebody please give Paula's boobies back the rest of the fabric on the top of her dress???

Isn't this kind of redundant?


Hey, wanna hear all about the flowers at Beyoncé and Jay-Z's wedding? Well Us Weekly's gonna tell you anyway!!

The mag scored an interview with Amy Vongpitaka, the owner of NYC's Amy's Orchids who said the couple ordered 75 boxes of white-and-cream-colored orchids. "It made the apartment like a heaven, like a palace." said Amy. " You walked in, and it was all flowers — everything white and creamy." She also said she only had one week's notice for the order of the 750 pounds of flowers.

I gotta sit down. Too much excitement!! Good thing they didn't get an interview with the caterer or I'd really lose my shit!

Us also has details about the actual wedding in their upcoming issue including Beyonce's two gowns, their first dance song, celebrity guests, and the 5'8" cake (oh please tell me, Beyonce did one of those horrible cakes model after herself!!)


Why does every pregnant woman feel she has to do this?

We get it Tori, you're pregnant. You think it's beautiful. You love the feeling of having a life growing inside you. Does that cover it?



Monday, April 7, 2008


I'm wigging out!! I can't understand why I can't find a damn screenshot of Bret without his bandanna from last night's Rock of Love episode!! The wig was gleaming! Fortunately, my searching wasn't for nothing because I stumbled on this awesome interview with the lovely and classy(and obvious winner--did you see when they showed the preview for next week? He was looking down when he said "you are my Rock of Love"--now granted, one of them could have been giving him a bj, but I'm thinking he wasn't talking to Ambre who is his height.) Daisy De La Hoya!

Here are some gems from the interview:

On her band:
"If Madonna and Motley Crue had a baby, I guess it would be Daisy. "

On her ex(?) Charles:
"When I met Charles he had suggested that I should do dancing. I think it was sorta something that I always thought was just gonna happen anyways. I don’t know (pause) sort of like pre-determined." What a guy!

On The Awesome Heather: "I think she’s the skankiest, crustiest, old hag stripper on the Planet. And I hate her. I literally hate her. All the other girls joking aside, you know whatever, but her, wait until you see the re-union show because (pause) I hate her. If we could tie Heather down, then I would definitely like to stab her in the eye with a stiletto. ....she’s like a big giant man. She’s a Bret Michaels wanna be. " But what do you really think?

On what other rock stars she'd like to sleep with:
"The rock star who I’d really like to fuck his brains out would be Nikki Sixx. I don’t wanna make out with him. I don’t want any kissing involved. I just want to fuck him. No kissing, just fucking!" (Awww! Just like in Pretty Woman!!)

The whole interview's gold. Kudos to Metal Sludge for finally doing something interesting!

At first I was looking forward to the reunion mostly for Angelique, but it sounds like there's gonna be a Daisy/Heather smackdown and now I really can't wait!! Sorry Daisy, but I'm TEAM TATTERS all the way baby!

I bet it goes down like this: Bret chooses Daisy in the finale. On the reunion show, he confesses that during their separation after the show, he finally realized that Heather was his true Rock of Love. Daisy hyperventilates/grabs her boobs/cries/loses her fake eyelashes. Kristi Jo starts crying. Rodeo starts crying/laughing hysterically. Peyton jumps out and starts yelling "FACE TIME!!" Then Daisy yells, "Oh yeah? Well I DID fuck CC!!" Then Bret yells "Fine then. Take it CC!!" Then CC Deville comes out and plays a solo. Then Bret goes "No, take HER!" So then CC and Daisy go off together and live happily ever after--once Daisy's lease with Charles is up in 2012, that is. Then Ambre starts going on and on about how she has to lie about her age but her hip goes out right in the middle of her explanation. Then New York comes out just to remind everyone that she is still the HBIC and that she was the original VH1 star with artificial hair and you bitches better recognize! Then Bret compliments her on her weave and asks for pointers. She offers to take him to her salon. Bret then grabs the wig and throws it on the floor. The wig starts crying. Now it needs to find love. A VH1 producer gets an idea!

I mean, it's SOO obvious that's what happens!