GIVE ME BACK MY TIME IDOL!!

Is it over yet? I think it still may be on.

Here we go, I'm gonna try, that's all I'm gonna say.

So, Idol Gives Back, started promisingly enough with the dancers from So You Think You Can Dance dancing to 'Please Don't Stop the Music' performed by the AI contestants. No, really.

Hi Travis!!! Hi Benji!!! Hi... Donyelle?? Wow.

Then some sick people in Africa, then some Katrina victims.

Then some celebrities asking us to donate and I'm sitting there thinking "Ok, how much did you donate?" Oh shit, there's Triple H!! AI and WWE - That's like a television paradox for me!

Then Ryan's got the top 12 (Hi Amanda!! Hi Chikezie!) answering phones and taking pledges and Syesha's holding up signs that say "Call Me" and mugging - I'm guessing she's auditioning for her next job in late-night "conversation" line commercials after she's voted off tonight. And...there are people in the audience watching!?? Yes, they are watching the American Idol contestants on a stage answering phones. For three hours. Even I couldn't bring myself to do that. So then Ryan pretends to talk to the people on the other end of the phone, blah, blah, blah, fluff , fluff, more fluff...

Then, I thought the station got switched to a porno, with the ol' plumber "you're pipes need cleaning" bit but it was a just lame skit leading up to Terri Hatcher performing "Before He Cheats." No really.

I kept waiting for Carrie to come out and finish the song, but that didn't happen because this performance was a caveat of the agreement Terri reached with Ryan when they ended their fake relationship. To make it even weirder, there's a band with a bunch of TV stars that are backing her up.

Ok, I'm already getting bored.

More sad stories of people....More celebrities.

Then Fergie performed with Heart. No really.

She pulled off the singing part but I don't know if the one-handed cartwheels were necessary. It was kind of like she was taunting Ann or something. "Ok, you sing better, but betcha can't do this!" Then she tried to take out both of the Wilson sisters, at least it looks that way.

More orphans and sadness. More solemn celebrities.

Ok, at this point, watching began to seem like a chore and I don't remember what order stuff came in so the rest is random thoughts. (See, I only said I'd try.)

Bily Crystal should have slapped her in the face when he had the chance.

Annie Lennox is divine.

Brad Pitt is so losing his hair (and Debbie the stage manager adlibs the only actual funny joke of the night).

Jimmy Kimmel owned Simon.

Robin Williams attempted to singlehandedly revive the Cold War:



Hysterical!! For 1984!! I will give Robin props for the Simon ass-grab though.


Speaking of ass-grabs, here's my personal highlight of the show. We all knew this was coming:


Not only ass grabbing, there was also boobstroking and floor humping!! Aww, Miley, I knew you had it in you! It's like Britney stripping at the VMA's all over again. I bet she feels so relieved now. Because skank is like farts, it's better to just let it out rather than try to hold it in.


Hey, need more cameltoe? Idol will give you back some more:



Here's Mariah and her happy hands with Randy Jackson on the longest bass I've ever seen in my life. It looks like he's got one of those big inflatable guitars the DJ gives out to drunk people at 80's party night.

Can I stop now? I'm fried.

Oh wait! We almost forgot the confetti. Everyone knows you can't end a ten hour long telethon without confetti! What else? Oooh, a Jesus song! Yeah!! With everyone dressed in white!!! And a choir!! ROLL IT!


Ok Cook, you got my love back with that one.


Seacrest Out!

P.S. Is it wrong that after watching this show, that I'm desensitized to the poor and suffering?