Sorry, but this week everybody just really pissed me off (they're all probably cranky and sleep deprived from IDOL GIVES BACK week. Charity is hard--unless of course you're Saint Angelina.) So this week, I'm just gonna explain why each one pissed me off.
MICHAEL JOHNS PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:
Can you guess the first reason?? Perhaps Michael didn't get my memo last week to LOSE THE FUCKING ASCOT!!! It's like "fetch," you're not gonna make it happen. Only one person in the history of the world has been able to make the ascot happen- Freddie Jones from Scooby Doo, and you are no Freddie Jones, so cut the shit. And burn the rest of that stupid waiter outfit while you're at it. Yeah, just perform naked. That would work.
Anyway, he did ok, but the end where he tried to do the Steven Tyler screech wasn't so good. And sorry to be nitpicky, but he totally missed one of the "Dream On's". I mean even Ace Young got that part right and he even added a little King Diamond spin on it!
So then Randy totally snaps and out of nowhere gives Michael a hard time about his song choice because "American Idol is not about dreams coming true!" (?)
Next up, to sing a song about dreams coming true written specifically for American Idol Season 3 winner Fantasia was Syesha. And..
SYESHA PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:
The judges criticized her for attempting Whitney last week. So what does she do? She attempts another singer--a former American Idol winner who the judges, especially Simon, LOVE (even with that Lifetime movie!)and top it off with a little Mariah dogwhistle impression. Dumb, dumb, dumb!! She'll be going home this week because of her stupid song choice.
Speaking of song choice:
KRISTY LEE COOK PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:
She always picks the perfect songs (well after the '8 Days a Week' debacle, that is) and even though I want to hate her, I'm forced to respect her for her cunning. And she sang it very well. Good job! And Fuck you Kristy!!
DAVID ARCHULETTA PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:
Well, when doesn't he? Although the fucking telethon vibe I get every week actually works well here since it's Inspirational Songs That David's Dad Likes week. Yawn, and I bet that piano ain't mic'd.
JASON CASTRO PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:
I thought Tiny Tim came back to life, but it was just Jason. I actually liked it, so I'm pissed off about that too.
BROOKE WHITE PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:
This song went on for 22 minutes! And it's uncomfortable to watch her because she looks like she's about to crack and go psycho any minute. Like in Carrie: Good, nice girl freaking loses it one day and kills everybody with telekinesis.
Oh shit! Carrie's last name was White too. Hey Brooke, start with David's dad!! Then Seacrest!
CARLY SMITHSON PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:
She didn't listen to Simon about her clothes. Yeah, he said she looked better--but that doesn't mean she looked good. Is that a leotard under jeans? Song was ok, I guess. And it makes me think of Moulin Rouge which is always nice. But I'm still back to not caring.
And finally, and it hurts to have to do this but it pissed me off more than anything else...
DAVID COOK PISSED ME OFF BECAUSE:
The jacket. The weird low notes at the beginning. The pointy pose. The walking through the crowd. The singing to the judges. The fucking "GIVE BACK" on his hand (I think that was the worst part)!!!! Stop it! Stop it!! Stop it!!!
Shit Cook, you had me, why'd you have to go and do that?
GIVE BACK the David I love!
And speaking of giving back, can somebody please give Paula's boobies back the rest of the fabric on the top of her dress???
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