So now that we know there will be no Borat to look forward to, we need some way to entertain ourselves for the 11 hours of the Oscars Sunday night. I've decided to turn to the old tried and true friend: Alcohol. So put on your prom dress, grab a couple bottles of Asti and lets play:

THE 2007 ACADEMY AWARDS DRINKING GAME

Red Carpet (depending on which red carpet you're watching)

DRINK!:

• Every time an interviewer asks "Who are you wearing?"
• Every time a celebrity laughs that they don't know and has to ask his or her publicist.
• Every time Joan Rivers mispronounces someone's name or refers to a movie a different actor/actress was in.
  
• Every time Joan Rivers makes a joke about her breasts being down to her knees.
• Every time the camera cuts to Melissa rolling her eyes and/or shaking her head at her mother.
• Every time Ryan Seacrest catches himself knowing more about fashion than the person he's interviewing.
• Every time Ryan Seacrest makes an unconvincing comment about how hot a female celebrity looks.
  
• Every time a celebrity looks uncomfortable or pissy at being interviewed. (hint: look for Angelina)
• Every time they are in the middle of interviewing someone and the camera cuts to someone more interesting while you can still hear the interview. (E! does this a lot)
• Every time a "Back to you_____!" gets botched (there is no audio, the person is not aware, etc)
• Every time a woman gets tripped up in her train.
• Every time someone who has no business being there shows up. (I'm talkin' bout you Timberlake!)

The Show

DRINK!:

• Every time Ellen dances. (I bet $10 she does the Little Miss Sunshine dance with Abigail Whateverherlastnameis)
  
• Every time they show Jack Nicholson sitting in the front row with his sunglasses on. He's so cool even at 106!
  
• Every time someone thanks God, first and foremost.
  
• Every time someone jokes about having a list "just in case."
• Every time they show a losing nominee graciously applaud and fake-smile after the winner is announced.
• Every time a winner continues talking after the shutupmusic starts playing. (take two shots if they actually say "I'm going to keep talking.")
• Every time a winner thanks their kids at home and cleverly says "You better go to bed now!"
• Every time the more popular dead people come on the "In Memorium" and the applause changes from polite clapping to really loud cheering. (I wonder if they'll show Anna Nicole)
• Every time you change the channel to check in on The Surreal Life during the 30 minute lifetime achievement award segment.
  

The Post- Show

• Post-show? Dude, you should be totally passed out by now. If you are still playing, you're either A) not playing correctly or B) Lindsay Lohan
  

You suck Oscar!

Sacha Baron Cohen was asked to be a presenter at the Academy Awards but declined because show producers wouldn't allow him to appear as Borat. Spoilsports! He will still attend though, hopefully in character. I really hope he wins and when he goes up to make his acceptance speech he brings the fat guy with him and they reenact the fight scene onstage.

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What the Fuck?

Not eliminated?!

Britney back in rehab..............again

K-Fed's lawyer confirmed through a spokesman that Britney has re-re-checked into rehab. He also said that the emergency custody hearing has been canceled because of this new development.

So does this mean that K-Fed was using his threats for good instead of greed? Could be. TMZ says K-Fed will immediately go to court seeking orders allowing him unquestioned full custody of the children if Britney ditches again before treatment is complete. TMZ also reported that Britney went to his house last night to see the kids and he wouldn't let her in. Wow!! This is a major face-turn for Kevin! (oh my god, I think that may be the first time I referred to him as "Kevin." Stop the madness!)

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Asshat of the Week

We haven't had an Asshat of Week in a while, so no better time than now since Justin Timberfuck provided this mighty assoriffic quote to MTV.

On Britney's shaved head he says:

'It was a smart choice, she is starting over, cleaning herself up. It was something you wouldn't expect most people to do, so she is taking a chance.'


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Um, yeah! Smart!

I suppose I could give him the benefit of the doubt that he was trying to say something nice and optimistic about his ex-girlfriend, but I'm not going to because he annoys the ever-loving shit out of me.

Congrats Kimberly!

Marcia Cross gave birth on Tuesday to twin girls. She gave them porn star names: Eden and Savannah. Her rep says mother and babies are doing fine.

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Pete: "She's just a fuckfriend"

Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz totally dissed rumored girlfriend Asshat Simpson in an interview in Rolling Stone magazine. Pete said, "Maybe in a different universe, we'd be some hot couple, but not in this one." He then added, "I'm attracted to creative people and train wrecks, and there's no shortage of that in Los Angeles."

I don't get it, she definitely qualifies as a trainwreck, she's probably not a creative enough trainwreck.

BTW- He totally ripped off that "different universe" line from Singles.

PAGE SIX:

Please give the kids to K-Fed!

Kevin Federline has been granted an emergency hearing in family law court, obviously due to Britney's recent whacked behavior. I never thought I would say this but I hope K-Fed gets full custody of those kids! SOURCE

I guess I'm not the only one. Us Magazine is reporting that even Britney's own mother is siding with K-Fed, helping him and his mother care for Sean Preston and Jayden James while Britney's been unraveling.

Meanwhile, PAGE SIX ran the following "blind item" today:

' WHICH hard-partying celeb takes her escapades well into the next morning? Sources saw her snorting lines at 10 a.m., but the real problem isn't coke - waitresses at Privilege overheard her demanding "meth" from her friends. '

This has really gotten sad.

Anna Nicole tried to reach out to Britney

This is kind of creepy yo!



FROM US WEEKLY:

' Six months before Anna Nicole Smith’s tragic death, the pregnant TrimSpa spokesmodel reached out via video to fellow pregnant celeb Britney Spears, Us has learned.

In the video, an 8-months-pregnant Smith directly addressed Spears, who was also expecting her second child (their respective babies, Dannielynn and Jayden, were born five days apart in September): “If you see this for some oddball reason – because I look at your stuff, too [referring to Spears’ Web site] – and you want to be friends, I would love so much to hang out with you,” she said. “I think you’re totally cool, and I think we’re about to have babies around the same time…I would just love to meet you.”

Smith finished up with her contact info: “You can call my lawyer, my best friend, my confidant Howard Stern. I think everyone has his number. He’ll give it out to you, Britney. Take cares [sic], and I hope that you do great on your second pregnancy. I’m sure you won’t even see this, but if you do, I’d really love to talk to you. Bye.” '


Could you imagine if that hookup ever happened? It's a good thing for us all that it didn't , the earth would probably have spontaneously combusted from all the crazy.

Oops she did it again!

Brit checked out again
Then tried to get a tattoo
But the shop was closed

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ANOTHER PREGNANT CELEB

Congrats to Naomi Watts and boyfriend Liev Schreiber who are expecting their first child together!

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Till Divorce Do Us Part

Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra are officially single again. Their divorce was finalized yesterday in Los Angeles. They will split their eyeliner and other assets according to a premarital agreement. They will also both waive spousal support. Boo!!! This is way too amicable!! Where's the insults? Where's the accusations? Where's the dirt? Where's the interviews to Entertainment Tonight? Where's the damn beef? (Close your shirt Dave, I wasn't talking about you!)

Oh well, best of luck to them both. Hey Carmen, I dig guys in makeup too, but maybe try someone who wears less than you this time.

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Anyone else smell bullshit?

From Ok! Magazine:

' Jennifer Aniston reached out to former husband Brad Pitt and his partner Angelina Jolie after the death of Angelina’s mom, Marcheline Bertrand. She sent the couple a note offering her condolences, a gesture that touched Brad and paved the way for the former lovers to reconnect. “Jen was deeply moved by the suffering Brad and Angelina were going through,” a friend of the actress tells OK!. “Having been through a medical crisis with her own father last summer, Jen was able to relate on a very personal level to the pain of losing a parent you love.” With her own life on the right track (there have been signs she may reconcile with ex-boyfriend Vince Vaughn) Jen seems okay with the notion of finally being friends again with Brad. '


Sorry, I'm Team Aniston, but I just can't buy this one. It's like Jen's publicist wants to out-saint Saint Angelina.

Dancing With the Stars Fourth Season Cast revealed!

It's true, Heather "Stumpy" Mills has indeed signed on. I predict she will be the first person voted off.

Also in the cast: Billy Ray "Bring Back the Mullet" Cyrus, Leeza Gibbons (Entertainment Tonight "anchorwoman"), Joey Fatone (the chubby one in N'Sync), Laila Ali (Muhammad's daughter), Vincent "Big Pussy" Pastore (he's gonna have a heart attack!), Apolo Anton Ohno (Olympic speed skating champion), Paulina Porizkova (Rick Ocasek's supermodel wife), Clyde Drexler (basketball Hall of Famer), Ian "I'm Steve Sanders Bitch" Ziering, Shandi Finnessey (2004 Miss USA--yawn)


It seems like every season, the definition of "stars" gets broader and broader huh?. I bet next season they'll have movie extras and Sanjaya Malakar.

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Lindsay update: Dazed, Confused, and Wobbly

FROM STAR:

'Having left rehab for the weekend, fun-loving Lindsay Lohan, 20, hit hot L.A. club Les Deux, where worried spies say she looked "confused and wobbly" on Feb. 16 as she partied for three hours until 2 a.m. '


You know what though? Compared to Britney, she's kind of boring.

Another Britney Haiku

Brit's back in rehab
Let's hope this time she stays there
More than just one day

Wanna smell like champagne, cigarettes, and Pete Doherty?

Kate Moss is developing her own fragrance for Coty, Inc. The deal is rumored to be about 9.75 MILLION DOLLARS! Coty is considering changing their name is "Coky".

Who better than Kate to represent a product that you sniff? Congrats girlfriend!

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Nicole and Paris - on the outs again?

FROM THE NY DAILY NEWS:

' Nicole Richie snubbed Paris Hilton's 26th-birthday bash on Saturday night in Las Vegas.

Although the tiny terror had dinner in the city and was announced by Paris on the microphone to be "on her way," she never showed up at the Hard Rock Hotel bash.

It's a fresh chill in the relationship of the former best friends, who posed together for a Harpers Bazaar shoot in the Beverly Hills De Beers store just last Tuesday.

Hilton, meanwhile, has been pruning some other friends from her guest list. She declined to invite Kim Kardashian, who made gossip headlines recently for the saga of her own sex tape.

"She didn't want Kim on the red carpet stealing her thunder," says a pal. '


"Tiny Terror." That rules! So maybe it's because, oh I don't know, Nicole's father is black? Go Nicole!

What The Fuck?

"I wear make-up and I paint my nails. I wear high heels. This is all true. I like wearing skirts. I should probably be gay but I like women too much." -- Lost star Dominic Monaghan.

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Michael Jackson pushed a dying woman out of her hospital bed!

' The family of an elderly woman who was moved from her hospital bed to accommodate MICHAEL JACKSON is suing the pop star.

The eight children of MANUELA GOMEZ RUIZ filed suit on Thursday (15FEB07) alleging Jackson and celebrity-obsessed hospital staff moved their mother out of her death bed and tormented her family.

The lawsuit claims she was "treated like cargo" and roughly moved from her emergency room bed when Jackson arrived at the hospital complaining of abdominal pains during his child molestation trial.

The THRILLER singer demanded two beds after going to the Marian Medical Center in Santa Maria, California on 15 February 2005.

Gomez, 74, died later that night.
Her family is accusing Jackson and the hospital of inflicting emotional distress and of negligence, elder abuse, false imprisonment and conspiracy.
According to hospital spokeswoman AMY SILVA, "We are confident the care provided to Mrs Ruiz was exceptional." '


Since when does Michael Jackson need more than one bed anyway? After all, the greatest thing you can do is share a bed.

Good luck to Gomez's family but I think Wacko's almost broke, isn't he? Not sure what they'll get. Maybe they can sue for the Elephant Man's remains--they'll make some pretty good money off those on Ebay.

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Happy Birthday Paris Hilton

Happy 26th Skanky!! With each passing year, you look more and more ridiculous.

Are they all packed in a trailer or something?

"WHY IS NO ONE PAYING ATTENTION TO MEEE?!!! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!"

"Who else wants to take a picture while sticking their face in my crotch?"

"I'm sorry Miss Hilton, but you are going to have to remove your shoes, the floor is extremely slippery with Brandon Davis around."

"MMMM Paris--I mean Stavros."

"MMMMM, fries."

"Hey Ludacris!! You N*****!!! "

PHOTOS 1 & 2

Stop wiggin' Brit!

Looks like Britney's already regretting the hair-shaving incident. Aw geez, what an awful wig. It looks like something you get at Ricky's for $7.99.

Hey Brit, you can do better than that! To help you out, I've created some looks for you using some of your fellow wig wearing celebrities for inspiration:

The Whitney.

The Michael Jackson.

The Lil' Kim. (This one even comes with a matching pastie!)

The Little Richard.

The Dee Snider (this one is versatile, it can also be Christina Aguilera circa Lady Marmalade).

You knew this was coming: the Bret Michaels.

The Axl Rose.

Cameron's nights out

So Thursday night rumored new couple Cameron Diaz and Djimon Hounsou were spotted "all over each other" at Hyde in LA. PAGE SIX reports ' They arrived around 1:30 a.m. and stayed for about an hour. They cozied up to each other at a table and left together in Cameron's black Prius. While Cameron was all smiles when they left, Djimon kept his head down, partially hiding his face under his cap." '

The following night Cameron and ex Justin Timberlake crossed paths at Whiskey bar in the Sunset Marquis Hotel. According to PEOPLE, Timberlake was hanging out with Martin Scorsese and about eight other people at a table inside the hotel's bar. (I really hope they were discussing making Dick in a Box into a feature length film) About 1 a.m., Diaz arrived and Justin got up and went over to her and they chatted quietly and friendlily.

This surprised me, I would have thought Justin would have a restraining order by now. What is it with this guy? It seems every woman he dates ends up nuts after they break up. I blame him for Britney. Forget about sexy, he's bringing crazy back.

But good for Cameron for getting with a real man. I haven't seen Blood Diamond yet, but I loved him in In America and as the doorman that tore up Kelly Taylor's fake ID on 90210.