Friday, February 23, 2007

So now that we know there will be no Borat to look forward to, we need some way to entertain ourselves for the 11 hours of the Oscars Sunday night. I've decided to turn to the old tried and true friend: Alcohol. So put on your prom dress, grab a couple bottles of Asti and lets play:


Red Carpet (depending on which red carpet you're watching)

  • Every time an interviewer asks "Who are you wearing?"
  • Every time a celebrity laughs that they don't know and has to ask his or her publicist.
  • Every time Joan Rivers mispronounces someone's name or refers to a movie a different actor/actress was in.
  • Every time Joan Rivers makes a joke about her breasts being down to her knees.
  • Every time the camera cuts to Melissa rolling her eyes and/or shaking her head at her mother.
  • Every time Ryan Seacrest catches himself knowing more about fashion than the person he's interviewing.
  • Every time Ryan Seacrest makes an unconvincing comment about how hot a female celebrity looks.
  • Every time a celebrity looks uncomfortable or pissy at being interviewed. (hint: look for Angelina)
  • Every time they are in the middle of interviewing someone and the camera cuts to someone more interesting while you can still hear the interview. (E! does this a lot)
  • Every time a "Back to you_____!" gets botched (there is no audio, the person is not aware, etc)
  • Every time a woman gets tripped up in her train.
  • Every time someone who has no business being there shows up. (I'm talkin' bout you Timberlake!)
The Show
  • Every time Ellen dances. (I bet $10 she does the Little Miss Sunshine dance with Abigail Whateverherlastnameis)
  • Every time they show Jack Nicholson sitting in the front row with his sunglasses on. He's so cool even at 106!
  • Every time someone thanks God, first and foremost.
  • Every time someone jokes about having a list "just in case."
  • Every time they show a losing nominee graciously applaud and fake-smile after the winner is announced.
  • Every time a winner continues talking after the shutupmusic starts playing. (take two shots if they actually say "I'm going to keep talking.")
  • Every time a winner thanks their kids at home and cleverly says "You better go to bed now!"
  • Every time the more popular dead people come on the "In Memorium" and the applause changes from polite clapping to really loud cheering. (I wonder if they'll show Anna Nicole)
  • Every time you change the channel to check in on The Surreal Life during the 30 minute lifetime achievement award segment.
The Post- Show
  • Post-show? Dude, you should be totally passed out by now. If you are still playing, you're either A) not playing correctly or B) Lindsay Lohan

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Ethanol. Poisoning.

Playing by your rules, I could have gotten drunk drinking O'Douls!

Nicely done.