Thursday, November 1, 2007

What the Asshats were for Halloween

Paris paying "tribute" to our troops. Where the hell was Da Brat and her bottle?

Kate Beckinsale as Bettie Page as the devil.

Christina, hubby, and baby-bump as a vampire and Dee Snider.

Heidi Klum and her cameltoe as a kittycat.

Gavin LOVES Halloween!

No Lindsay didn't fall off the wagon, that's just Britney.

Sheryl Crowe should arrest Lance Armstrong for pedophilia (I know Ashley's 21, I'm sorry but it just ain't right. How does he not keep hearing "You Got It Dude" in his head while he's got her tongue in his mouth?)

Why didn't Coco didn't dress up?

Da Brat gets her name in the news and she's not even on a VH1 reality show!

TMZ reports that Shawntae Harris, better known as Da Brat, or maybe as "the other woman besides Liza Minelli whose face was eaten by David Gest", is currently in custody for felony aggravated assault after getting into an altercation with a waitress. According to reports, the waitress bumped into Brat which set off some pushing and shoving. The waitress walked away and then Brat grabbed a bottle and attacked her.

You know Brat, it's mean enough that you called Jane Wiedlin a "has-been" on The Surreal Life, but to attack her at her place of business? That's low.

(Sorry Jane, I couldn't resist)

Alice Cooper says Ozzy's a joke

Alice Cooper has blamed the reality show, The Osbournes, for tainting his friend Ozzy Osbourne's dark mystique and turning him into a joke.

Alice was recently quoted as saying:
"Most fans thought he lived in a big, dark castle with skeletons in the cellar. When that show aired they knew he was just some guy who potters around his Beverly Hills mansion. It was meant to be some kind of comedy but the audience was laughing at Ozzy, not with him. And as a close friend, that made me very sad."

He's kind of got a point. I used to be afraid of Ozzy when I was a kid. Remember in the end of the Close My Eyes Forever video when he was all "Close your eyes....close your eyes....close your eyes for me." No Ozzy, I don't want to die!!!

But The Osbournes is to blame for much, much more than that. The Osbournes was the first celebrity reality show and I hold it accountable for every crappy celebrity or wannabe celebrity reality show that followed it: Newlyweds, The Simple Life, Gene Simmons Family Values, Growing Up Gotti, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and so on and so on and so on.

By the way, kudos for Alice for not ruining his scary image. Loved you in Wayne's World man!! Oh and that Staples commercial!! I also found this rockin' photo of Alice playing golf with Dan Quale!

You know this dude has guillotines in his cellar!

30 years to build a career, one and a half minutes to end it

The National Enquirer has obtained an audio tape of a phone conversation between Duane "Dog The Bounty Hunter" Chapman and his son Tucker in which Dog repeatedly drops the N-bomb when referring to Tucker's girlfriend Monique Shinnery. In the rant, which you can hear here, Dog orders his son to break-up with his girlfriend because he is afraid she is going to blab to the media that he uses that word and end his career. Kind of funny that he managed to do it himself while talking about being afraid of it happening.

As a result civil rights groups are outraged , A&E has suspended production on Dog's show, and Dog has issued a lame-ass apology that no one is going to buy:

" I did not mean to add yet another slap in the face to an entire race of people who have brought so many gifts to this world. I am ashamed of myself and I pledge to do whatever I can to repair this damage I have caused. My sincerest, heartfelt apologies go out to every person I have offended for my regrettable use of very inappropriate language. I am deeply disappointed in myself for speaking out of anger to my son and using such a hateful term in a private phone conversation.

I was disappointed in his choice of a friend, not due to her race, but her character," he said. However, I should have never used that term. I know that all of my fans are deeply disappointed in me, as well, as I have tried to be a model for doing the right thing. I did not do the right thing this time, and hope you will forgive me."

Dog is also meeting with his spiritual adviser, Rev. Tim Storey, who is black, and wants to meet with other black leaders, "so they can see who I really am and teach me the right thing to do to make things right, again." What, no rehab?

Ok, this whole thing makes no sense to me. First of all, Dog wants his son to dump his girlfriend because he's afraid she is going to expose his use of racial slurs. Wouldn't she be more likely to do that if she got dumped? Especially if she got dumped because her boyfriend's father told him to dump her because she's black? Second, who was recording the phone conversation? Third, if Dog is so afraid of being labeled a bigot, why would he use the N-word SIX times in less than two minutes? (I'm so afraid of it, I won't even type it out here!) Wouldn't he think to maybe make an effort not to use it, or at least use it less than SIX times in less than two minutes? Fourth, why would Beth, such a stylish and sophisticated woman, marry someone that talks like that?

All these questions are making my head hurt and I'm on a major Halloween sugar crash.


Catching up

So I missed some stuff yesterday, sue me. Unfortunately, all you can sue me for is leftover Halloween candy. Speaking of, did you know they don't even make candy cigarettes anymore? Well they do, but now they're called "candy sticks." Because you know those candy cigarettes made kids want to smoke. Just like that lovable Joe Camel character. I started smoking because he was so damn cool and I wanted to be just like him.

So anyway by now I'm sure everyone knows that Robert Goulet died, Lane Garrison got 40 months in real prison for vehicular manslaughter, and Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen have became the creepiest couple since Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood.

Back to Halloween, can I just rant for a minute? I'm really sick of these SUV's pulling up in front of my house and 20 "kids" (and by kids, I mean 19 year olds) jumping out with no attempt at a costume and facing forward opened backpacks (because they can't be bothered to even hold a damn bag). No "trick or treat," no "thank you." Oh, but I was lucky enough to get a "Can I have you?" Ok, buddy, if you are old enough to think like that then you are too old to be trick or treating. Unless you're trick or treating at Mary Kay Leterno's house.

It irks the shit out of me because there's nothing you can do. You want to slam the door in their face so bad but you can't because they know where you live. I do have two bowls of candy: good candy and crap candy and the no-costumes get the crap candy, but it still sucks because they still get something so that means they win.

I've decided that next year I am going to go through my house and find a bunch of shit and put it on my front lawn and tell those 25 year olds that if they want candy they'd better go through that shit, put a damn costume together, and make it work. Earn that candy bitches!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Oh Britney!

In daily Britney news, TMZ has video of Britney and her cousin Alli getting pulled over (Brit wasn't driving) last night. It was only a minor infraction but since Britney was involved (and most likely called them), it turned into a circus.

Also, today is the day that Brit's album Blackout drops. I know, it's finally here!! Brit even paid tribute to Madonna by pissing off the Catholics with some suggestive promotional photos for the album involving Brit and a "priest."

"You got Cheeto crumbs in my Bible."

Um, Ok, whatever

I guess when you've seen a million faces and rocked them all it makes you kind of jaded.

On his success, Jon Bon Jovi recently told America's Best Life magazine, "I don't give a fuck that I just sold out 10 nights at the arena. It's just what I do. It's just a job - and I get paid well for it. I get to wear a T-shirt and dirty jeans, but I don't really give a fuck about the rest of it, because it's a shallow pool, man."

Hey Jon, garbage collectors get to wear t-shirts and dirty jeans too, would you be happy doing that? No? Then shut the fuck up you ungrateful asshat!


Good thing there wasn't a hotel phone nearby

"The set is supposedly closed off, but we'd be shooting a key scene and you'd hear, `Hey, it's Denzel. Hey Denzel, over here!' "I'd get, 'Hey Gladiator, not lookin' so good. Lookin' kind of old there.' " Russell Crowe on shooting his new movie, American Gangster, with Denzel Washington in Harlem.


Another Jolie-Pitt

Rumors are swirling that Angelina is knocked up again. Saint Angelina was scheduled to give a lecture in Italy this week as part of a conference called "The Flight Of The Hummingbird - The Future of Children In The Mind And Society Of The World" but cancelled her appearance at the last minute.

Local newspaper are reporting that she pulled out of the gig after discovering she was expecting.

This part's awesome. A spokeswoman for the Pio Manzu Centre (where that Hummingbird or whatever conference is being held) named Letizia Manjani released the following cryptic statement (pay really close attention),
"Angelina cancelled last week. Due to her privacy I can't confirm her pregnancy, but I can say that the Italian newspapers are correct in their reports."

I'm sure Angelina and Brad are very grateful that Letizia respects their privacy so much and didn't spill the beans.


Monday, October 29, 2007

What the Asshats Are Up To

"Herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea......



Coming soon to Lifetime: "The World Is Against Us: 16, pregnant, and living in a trailer.."

Alice in Wonderbraland
(She is SO classy!)


Victoria Beckham is brunette again!!

I guess she wants to look like "Posh" again.

I wonder if this means Geri Halliwell is going to do that awesome red and yellow combo hair again!


Clean-up Patrol

Last week there was talk that Ellen's whole Iggygate breakdown was really about problems in her relationship with longtime girlfriend Portia DeRossi. The two attempted to put an end to those rumors by stepping out together at the Takashi Murakami Honors at the Museum of Contemporary Arts in Los Angeles last night.

Yeah, I'm not buying it either.


Puffy wants to be J-Lo's baby bump's Goddiddy

Diddy has spoken out with his opinion that former girlfriend Jennifer Lopez will make a "great mother" even though she still has not confirmed her pregnancy.

Diddy said, "She's going to make a great mother. She is one of the most caring people I've ever met. When I went out with her, I saw that quality. I'm extremely happy for her, and I will be sending some expensive god-daddy presents to her baby." (
Don't you have enough kids to take care of dude?)

I bet he sends the kid some toy guns (with bling, of course) to remind Jen of that time they got busted at Club New York. Ah, good times.


Asshat of the Week

It's only Monday and already I had a hard time deciding if the Asshat of the Week should be the dumbass Red Sox fans: "We won, let's riot and flip some cars!" or famewhore Trista Rehn Sutter. It was a tough call, but Trista won out. Hey, that's the first time Trista won anything, isn't it? Unfortunately Trista, you will have to share the honor with Us Weekly Magazine, so you're still not a total winner.

I'm being kind of mean here though. See, Trista is already going through some hard times. She's got a battle ahead of her. A battle with her post-baby weight, and she is bravely speaking about her struggle in the latest issue of
Us Weekly.

Here is a heartbreaking excerpt of the moving interview that every new mother in America, hell any woman, any size 4 heffer, can relate to:

' Three months after the birth of her son, former Bachelor star Trista Sutter, 35, tells Us she’s on a mission to lose the last of the 30 pounds she gained during pregnancy.

“I’m definitely not pleased when I look in the mirror,” admits the 5-foot-2 star, who now wears a size 4 and weighs 116 pounds, but aspires to surpass her prebaby physique and get down to 106 pounds. “When I fit into my size 26 Hudson jeans, then I’ll be happy.”

Sutter shares her post-baby body issues with Us and how husband Ryan, 33, is helping her get down to her goal weight.

How are you feeling about your body?
“My friend said that when I came home from the hospital, I’d be back in my old jeans. Fifteen pounds did fall off immediately, but the fact that it’s been three months and I’m still not in them is a bummer.”

What bothers you the most?
“My belly. It has a layer of fat, which, of course, your body has to put on, but it’s blubbery and I hate it. I want to be able to go bathing suit shopping for a vacation and not feel totally disgusted…I just don’t feel good in a lot of my clothes.”

Does Ryan help?
If I eat something that I shouldn’t, Ryan shakes his finger at me and says, ‘Uh, uh, uh!’ He’s been awesome, 100 percent supportive. He watches Max when I go to the gym and is constantly saying that I look great. But when you don’t feel good about yourself, you don’t feel like you want to be intimate. I want to feel, and look, sexy again for him. Even though he is being nice and saying he’s still attracted to me, I want to feel like he’s telling me the truth and not just saying it because he’s a good husband.” '

I know, 116 pounds!!! I wouldn't leave the house!!! Poor, poor Trista! It's a good thing she has such a wonderful, supportive husband who's willing to shake his finger at her when she eats a no-no food! Good luck Trista, you can lose that blubber and be back to your former sexpot self in no time! I believe in you! As a matter of fact, don't stop at 106 lbs, try for 96, or 86, or 76. Hell, go for 6!!!

And kudos to Us Weekly for publishing such an inspirational piece about this gifted, talented, and lovely young heroine. I'm sure this kind of story will resonate with the vast majority of women in America who will all surely stand up and applaud Trista's courage.

By the way, did she say anything about the BABY?


Batshit Out Of Hell

Meatloaf is saying "Stop right there!" (get it?) to photographers. He has allegedly banned them from his upcoming U.K. tour because he is self-conscious about his weight, which is reportedly 308 pounds.

His publicist is saying he did it because he doesn't want reviews not because of the weight issue and issued the following statement: "Meat doesn't want reviews so he's not issuing any photo passes."

Meatloaf is a weird one. Remember when he said he blacked out during his duet with Katherine McPhee on last year's American Idol finale? (Not that I blame him, I'd want to forget that nightmare too. And the performance.)

If that is the case, um hello? Mr. Loaf? Mr. MEATLOAF? Isn't the fat thing like the whole point of your name? The fuck? And you know there's these things called cameraphones right?


In breaking Britney news...

has video of Britney Spears is getting into the spirit of Halloween, or rather, Mischief Night, by playing a prank of the paparazzi while sitting in her festively decorated car at a Los Angeles gas station.

It was like this:

Britney: "Come here paparazzi, no closer, clo-ser y'all, put your face by the windershield..."


(Car speeding off)

That Britney, what a prankster! She probably used her entire time time in court last Friday to think up that one!


Timberfuck totally stuffs. That's like Spinal Tap type shit there.