Thursday, November 15, 2007

Law and Chaotic Order Chapter 532: Britney gets ADD

Britney Spears, come on down!! You just failed your court-appointed drug test!

Which means, it's time to play

Pick A Drug To Blame Your "False-Positive" On!

Britney: "Let's go with Provigil. I take it for my narcolepsy."


Bob: "I'm sorry Britney, but that drug would not show up on a court-ordered drug test."

Britney: "Shit. Ok, how about Albuterol? I take that for"

Lawyer: "Asthma moron."

Britney: "Asthma moron."

Bob: "Are you calling me a moron young lady?"

Britney: "No Mr. Barker, my lawyer is."

Bob: "Can we just see the answer please?"


Bob: "I'm sorry but that is wrong also. Albuterol is not an amphetamine and your failllll---um, false positive was caused by an amphetamine. You have one more chance to choose your defense."

Britney: "OOHH Cheetos are up there, can I have those?"

Lawyer: "No! Adderall."

Britney: "I mean Adderall."

Bob: "Wait, so you have ADD now in addition to narcolepsy and asthma?"

Britney: "No silly, that's what my lawyer is saying to cover up the speed!"

Lawyer: "I quit."

Bob: "Let's see how you did Britney. Adderall is.............."


Bob: "CORRECT! Congratulations Britney, you have won the ADD medication defense to use in court tomorrow!"


Jen's latest rumored boyfriend

If the latest reports are true, Jennifer Aniston is now dating Rosario Dawson's ex, Sex and the City star Jason Lewis.

The two were spotted having an "intimate date" in New York recently. Now keep in mind that "intimate date" could mean anything from "dinner with ten other people," to "shook hands at the bar" to, well "actual intimate date."

A source told Britain's Closer magazine, "They've met a few times. He thinks she's gorgeous and they just clicked. It's funny how much they have in common. Jen seems to really like Jason, but so far they've met up in secret as Jen hates the pressure her fame puts on all of her relationships."

Guess we'll have to wait and see. I hope it's true. Jen deserves it. And Jason looks a hell lot better than Brad these days. (hatemail in comments please)


Breakup rumors best check themselves at the DMV

Sarah Michelle Gellar will now officially be known as Sarah Michelle Prinze.

For the couple's fifth wedding anniversary Sarah showed Freddie a copy of her updated driver's license with her new last name.

In case anybody's wondering, the traditional wedding gift for a five-year anniversary is wood. No word on whether Sarah also gave Freddie wood.


Can we please get it right this time?

A Las Vegas judge decided yesterday that there is sufficient evidence for O.J. Simpson and five other men to go to trial on the sports memorabilia armed robbery/kidnapping charges following that hotel incident back on September 13th. O.J. will be tried on TWELVE counts including kidnapping and aggravated robbery and if found guilty, he may face life in prison.

The trial dates have not been set but it is expected to begin in the summer of 2008. You listenin' E?


It's all about Britney

Duran Duran's video for their first single, "Falling Down" of their new album is gaining notoriety (see what I did there?) due to its lead character's resemblance to everybody's favorite trainwreck, Britney. In the video we see a young, rich, starlet get wasted, go to rehab where all the patients are beautiful models (Hey it didn't look like that on Intervention!) get out, and start all over again.

Drummer Roger Taylor said on the Britney comparison, "I suppose it's loosely based on her, but not [only] on one celebrity – just celebrity culture in general. A lot of [young celebrities] seem to disappear into rehab."

Yeah, ok Roger. Did we mention Justin Timberlake co-wrote the song?

Take a look for yourself and decide.

Unfortunately the SUV umbrella beatdown was edited out because umbrellas (ellas, ellas, ellas) are so last summer.

On Britney, Simon Le Bon said "I just wish she could accept help. It seems that all the people who care about her, she’s pushing away."


Speaking of Britney, she ran over another person's foot.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

And now for an important anti-drug message:

This has been an important anti-drug message.


Owen Wilson escaping with model

Last week's rumors that Owen Wilson was dating Jessica Simpson appear to be just that. PEOPLE reports that Owen is dating a model named Le Call. Yeah, her name is Le Call, like Le Bag (I still see people with those!).

An insider revealed to PEOPLE "She is dating him." Wow, that sure is some juicy gossip! The two have been spotted together having dinner and at a yoga class.

But all the recent attention just may be scaring Le Call. Another source said,
"Le Call is totally overwhelmed by all of this attention. She isn't used to it. So they will be leaving town tomorrow to escape – and traveling a great distance."

Good for them. What ever happened to Owen's privacy anyway? I guess he's all better now that he's dating a model. Run Le Call and Owen!! Run!!

Ninety-six asshats need a kick in the head

In an effort to show what a generous children-loving person she is, Britney Spears is auctioning off a (as in "ONE") signed copy of her latest CD, Blackout on eBay with 100% of the proceeds going to UNICEF. For some reason Britney has teamed up with photo agency X17 to run the auction. Oh yeah, because she's a moron and can't post an eBay auction by herself.

Brit said, via a press released issued by X17,
"I think it's important to give back and with the release of Blackout, this seemed like the perfect opportunity to give the fans a chance to bid on something to help children everywhere."

How generous of her! I'm being serious. See normally, I'd say something like "this bitch makes $750,000 a month and the best she can do is sign ONE CD for charity?!" But we all know that Brit's been having to shell out lots of her cash to K-Fed for his lawyer fees and for taking care of those pesky children. She probably barely has enough left for Starbucks and Marlboros so give her a break and LEAVE HER ALONE! (oh that's all played out? Sorry.)


What I can't believe is that there are currently 96 bids and that bid amount is up to $7,200.00!!! The Fuck? That's a pre-owned car! Or a European vacation. Or 15157 Frappicuinos! Who are these people? Asshats, that's who. Hey, 96 morons, you want a Britney Spears autograph? HERE YOU GO! There's one for $7.95 and that's when she was hot.

And don't give me that whole "it's for charity" argument. Wanna donate to UNICEF? Do it here without the paparazzi middleman.

Monday, November 12, 2007

More Crazy Celebrity Divorce Hijincks

Former Baywatch babe Donna D'Errico collapsed in the restroom of a Los Angeles courtroom on Friday after complaining of breathing problems. This happened in the middle of court proceedings to determine how assets should be divided in her divorce from Nikki "I died" Sixx of Motley Crue.

Donna requested the hearing be delayed Thursday, the day before she collapsed, citing her health condition and also because she doesn't have a lawyer (HUH?! You crazy?). The judge denied the request and forced Donna to represent herself Thursday and Friday.

Sources say that her voice was so hoarse that she was barely audible in court.

Paramedics were called after Donna's collapse and she was able to walk out unassisted. Donna is going with the Marie Osmond explanation that her breathing issues were related to asthmatic bronchitis aggravated by recent wildfires near her home.

Meanwhile Nikki has had his friends spy on Donna and testify in court that they have seen her out and about at such places as a church, a restaurant, and a sporting goods store. They also spotted her walk up a long stairway at a beach. I guess this is because he thinks she's lying about being sick?? Church? THAT BITCH!

On the fainting incident Nikki said, "She fainted, so what? Did she overdose and die and come back? No? Well I did. So there."

Nikki is also considering writing a book and accompanying soundtrack about the divorce trial titled "The Gold-digging Bitch Diaries."


Yikes!! Don't Mess With the Thetans!!

Controversial biographer Andrew Morton has been forced into hiding following alleged threats made on his life by the Church of $cientology over a revealing biography he has written about Tom Cruise.

The biography reportedly exposes all kinds of dirt on Tom's sexuality and all the kooky alien stuff. I'm sure the contracts with Nicole and Katie are in there too.

So basically, the biography contains a lot of stuff everybody already knows.

But we all know how Little Tommy gets his panties all bunched up when someone dares bring any of that stuff up. Morton claims he has been forced to "disappear" and sell his London home as a result of the threats made to him while attempting to research Tom's life for the book.

Morton told the British newspaper The Sunday Express, "I have received threats from the Scientologists and things have become pretty heavy - to the extent that it's almost more than my lawyers can handle. I've sold my flat and I'm not telling anyone where I'm moving to. I intend to disappear for a while."

Morton added that researching the Royal Family was "a walk in the park" compared to this latest project.

Sorry but it's over for you Andrew. You can't hide from the $cientologists. They've got laser beams and stuff like that. They're gonna find you and sue you and erase your brain and you'll be writing a romance novel about the great love of Tom and Katie in no time.


Lindsay wants to be an adequete magnet

In bizarre celebrity news of the day, Lindsay Lohan is reportedly taking lessons to turn herself into a human magnet. She has hired a man from Romania named Aurel Raileanu to teach her how to lift metallic objects with her mind. This guy's no joke, he's listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the most powerful human magnet after lifting a 50 pound television set.

Lindsay says of her new interest, "I've always been interested in off-the-wall abilities. And this is a really interesting phenomenon. I'd love to find out more about it and try and pinpoint what causes these supernatural abilities."

Plus, it comes in handy when you misplace your coke spoon!


Paris is big in South Korea (in every possible sense of the word)

Paris Hilton made an appearance at a BMW car show in South Korea last weekend. Hundreds of (apparently tiny) adoring fans crammed into the popular Seoul nightclub, Circle, to catch a glimpse of the classy beauty.

The Sun quoted some of the fans: "We love Paris. She's so great!" and "She's very popular here in South Korea."

The brainwashed Koreans were treated to a performance when Paris sang stirring renditions of Like a Virgin by Madonna and Slave 4 U by her former BFF, Britney.

Paris then squashed the crowd with her gigantic freakish feet.

Well, they're all boobs

Underwear firm Bravissimo recently conducted a poll asking 1,000 women which Spice Girl's boobs would they like to switch theirs with if given the chance? The winner? Geri Halliwell a.k.a. "Ginger" Spice. Or was it "Sexy" Spice. I think it was both wasn't it? BTW, when did she get so buff? Damn!

So here's how the ladies stacked up:

1. Geri Halliwell

2. Emma Bunton

3. Melanie Brown

4. Victoria Beckham

5. Melanie Chisholm

Poor Mel C. in dead last place. She couldn't even score above Vicky's cartoon cantaloupes.


Silly Jen Aniston, did you buy a voodoo doll?

Oh no!! At the U.K. premiere of her new movie Beowulf, Saint Angelina's leather pants split up the crack. Oh Angie, you porker!! Geez, before you know it, she'll get so big she'll be wearing adult sized clothes!

Fortunately she had her bitch Brad with her so he was able to cover the split seam. Good job Brad! But too bad PEOPLE blew your cover.

Angie's bad luck didn't end there however. She also stepped in a huge wad of gum and got it all over her Louboutin's. (was Britney there?)

God this is like a bad 80's comedy. Or that even worse Lindsay Lohan stinker Just My Luck!

And it just kept getting worse.

Angelina also failed to notice that she had spinach stuck in her teeth:

And a huge pussy zit on her nose!

And then her head spontaneously combusted!

Personally, I think it's all the stress.