Friday, February 22, 2008

What the hell happend to Nicole Kidman's face?

I will never understand why these dumbasses think troutlips are a good idea.

What the hell happened to Lil' Kim's face?

Discuss amongst yourselves.

"Springtime For Castro" anyone?

There are some people who you can never tell if they are joking or not. Michael Moore is one of them. You think he's joking, but you never really know for certain.

He's gotten himself in the news this week after declaring that he has invited retired Cuban president, Fidel Castro, to the Oscars on Sunday. Moore's recent documentary, Sicko, featured a segment on Cuba's universal health care system.

Moore issued the following press release,
"I got some great news today because I was trying to figure out how I was going to get Castro into the Oscars and for me he resigns today so he can come to L.A. and go as my guest and perhaps give the acceptance speech. As long as he keeps it under five hours. I'm telling you, that's got to be a ratings grabber. Can you imagine him? Showing up? If I could talk to (Oscar producer) Gil Cates and maybe get Castro in a dance number at the beginning of the show? Great."


Sexiest Woman???

Heather Mills is reportedly hobbling her way up to the top of FHM's (For Horny Males) annual "Sexiest Woman" poll.

Heather has been receiving an average of 1,000 votes a day, compared with previously receiving around 15. She is currently in 95th place, ahead of Paris Hilton (ok, I'll give her that one), Gwen Stefani (huh?) and Kirsten Dunst (eh?).

FHM deputy editor Chris Bell said, “Heather Mills has always been vilified as a gold-digger with a dubious past. But with her pin-sharp power suits and model good-looks, thousands of FHM readers have realised she’s about to become the world’s most eligible – and richest – single woman.” I know, I know: "model good looks"--this guy should do stand-up!

It's gotta be the divorce settlement money. That and the kink factor due to the stub--maybe they saw that Nip/Tuck episode.

Or it's a computer glitch and they are trying to vote for the Unsexiest Woman poll.

Vote For the Worst should embrace this, it's much more intriguing than Idol at the moment.

In the lead are some chick named Cheryl Cole and last year's winner Jessica "I'm Too Sexy"Alba. The winner will be announced on April 24.


Saving the world and repopulating it at the same time has taken its toll

Life & Style Weekly has reported that Saint Angelina, who is rumored to be pregnant with twins, collapsed on her flight home from Iraq two weeks ago.

The story claims that Angelina fainted in her seat and was given oxygen and treated for nosebleeds and leg cramps.

Because of early-pregnancy complications with Shiloh, Brad and Angie have moved a full-time nurse into their home as a precaution. The only problem with that is that Angelina is never home and always in some third world country!!

I will say a prayer to Saint... oh wait, I usually pray to Saint Angelina. Shit! What am I going to do now?


This is a photo of:

A. Jada, Will, Tom, and Katie at the First Annual Essence Black Women in Hollywood Luncheon last night.

B. Jada, Will, Tom, and Katie having the unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks lunch special at The Olive Garden.

C. Jada,Will, Tom, and Katie preparing to EAT YOUR SOUL!!!!!


Well, she told ya she was trouble

If Amy Winehouse's recent sobriety was for real, it unfortunately seems to have been short-lived, after Amy trashed a hotel room in London's Riverbank Plaza Hotel causing $6.000.00 worth of damage.

Amy was staying in a suite at the luxury hotel since leaving rehab earlier this month. During her two-week stay, she has refused to allow the cleaning crew into the room. When Amy was out attending the Brit Awards Wednesday night, the hotel management team were finally able to gain access to the room.

Once inside the suite, they found the floor littered with empty champagne bottles, cigarette butts and ashes all over the carpet, and spilled drinks which ruined the wooden floors in the hallway. The bathtub was stained with black hair dye.

A source told Britain's The Sun, "It was covered in booze and fag butts, absolutely disgusting. …Most of the room had been used as an ashtray… the place smelt incredibly stale.
The bath had to be scrubbed and unblocked from balls of matted hair. It took three maids two hours to get it in a habitable order."


Got Weed?

Aww, all the younger siblings of Hollywood asshats are coming of age. First Jamie Lynn gets knocked up, then Paris's little brother got arrested for DUI, now little Aaron Carter has been busted for pot.

The youngest of the Douchebag Carter brothers was pulled over for speeding in Kimble County, Texas early this morning. When the cops searched his car, they found two ounces of marijuana. Aaron was then arrested and is currently being held in jail until tomorrow when he will be arraigned.

(sniffle) They grow up so fast!


The little boy who cried wolf

Demi Moore, Madonna, Bruce Willis, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Salma Hayak are among the guests that are being urged to get a Hepatitis A vaccination after attending Ashton Kutcher's 30th birthday party at New York bar Socialista on February 7th because one of the bartenders that worked the party was infected.

New York City Deparment of Health and Mental Hygiene medical epidemiologist, Dr. Sharon Batler said "We are asking these bar patrons to get this vaccination as a precautionary measure."

Most of the warned guests seemed to laugh off the threat of disease. They were all like You're not gonna get me this time Ashton! Madonna took some extra precaution though, doubling up on her Kabballah water intake.


J-Lo Popped!

Jennifer Lopez finally gave birth to her twins early this morning in Long Island, NY. She had a girl and a boy. The girl came first at 12:12 a.m. and weighed 5lbs, 7oz. The boy was born at 12:23 a.m. and weighed 6 lbs.

Jennifer's manager released the following statement to PEOPLE, "Jennifer and Marc are delighted, thrilled and over the moon." Poor J-Lo, it always has to be about her ass!

Expect to see photos of the babies once the couple is able to finalize negotiations with the highest bidder and the sale price is reportedly up to 6 million dollars! Wow!! Who needs to make records when you can just make babies! Once that deal is secured, they will release the names of the babies. Right now the going rate is around 2 million dollars. For each name.

Congrats to the delighted new parents. Hopefully they got Jen's looks.

Paula's Video!

In case you missed the premiere of Paula Abdul's new video "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow" last night on American Idol, here it is.

It's actually not terrible. It's no "Opposites Attract", but it's definitely better than "Promise of a New Day".

Randy Jackson looks really cheesy playing bass (yes, I KNOW he played in Journey)and the end shot of the cardboard cutouts of Simon, Randy, and Ryan is even sillier. I'm surprised there weren't any product placed Coke cups! They probably didn't trust Paula with them.

All in all though, it's a flashback to the Paula that we grew up with, except the voice is a bit more computerized this time.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Please show up Heather!!

Sharon Osbourne has threatened to throw Heather Mills off the stage if she shows up to tomorrow night's Brit Awards in London where Paul McCartney will receive a Lifetime Achievement award.

Sharon and Ozzy are hosting the event...

CORRECTION: Sharon is hosting the event and Ozzy will be wheeled out and propped up next to her.

Anyway, Sharon was quoted as saying, "I would boot her off. I think she's a miserable old cow."

Say what you will about Sharon, but she'll put Ozzy's money where her mouth is. I have no doubt she'd boot Heather's ass off the stage. Literally. With Heather's own boot! While attached to her pegleg!


The reunion everyone's been waiting for!!

First Van Halen,

Then Led Zeppelin,

and now:

GREEN JELLŸ!!! (or "Jello" - if you're not afraid of Bill Cosby)

GREEN JELLŸ have reformed and are in the process of booking a national tour this summer (that means state fairs!)!!! They will also re-release their "Cereal Killer" and "333" videos/albums on DVD for no apparent reason.

Remember "little Pig, little pig, let me in?" That was 1993. FIFTEEN years ago! Fuck!


Look at what you've done America!

Heidi Montag is sad that people keep making fun of her video and "singing career." And she wants everyone to see just how sad she is.

To accomplish this, Heidi arranged a photo shoot so we can all see her tears and feel her pain.

Just in case we thought she was crying about something meaningful, Heidi made sure to clutch a CD of her song "Higher":

You can tell the great love of Heidi's life, Spencer, shot these photos. He's so good with the camera, he even set it on auto to capture him consoling Heidi. Now that's love! (He totally missed an opportunity to get a shot of him wiping away her tears though.)

Somehow they will get through.

Heidi should cheer up because she and Spencer actually appear to have earned themselves a real, legit, profession: Performance Artists.


Can't say we didn't see this one coming

PEOPLE just broke news that Pink and husband Cary Hart have ended their two-year marriage.

Pink's publicist has confirmed the split:
"Pink and Carey Hart have separated. This decision was made by best friends with a huge amount of love and respect for one another. While the marriage is over, their friendship has never been stronger."

Why do they always say that? No one believes that shit about a couple remaining friends after they split, do they? Didn't they say that when Paul and Heather split too?

No further word about the split has come out. (See what I did there?)

Jessica Simpson Hates (and HURTS!) Fat People!

Jessica Simpson and Papa Joe have been sued by the owner of fitness video company Speedfit for Jessica's changing her mind about releasing an exercise DVD she made (and was paid for) back in 2005 when she was in her Daisy Duke shape. Jessica has banned the video from being released.

And because this DVD will not be available, there is NO hope for all the overweight people in America to lose those extra pounds!


Good going Jessica, you meanie!

See, according Speedfit owner Alex Astilean, "They are hurting millions of fat people in America."

Simpson's spokesman replied with, "It's a legal matter that's in the hands of attorneys."


Is nothing sacred? Part 2

Ok, first she attempts to imitate Marilyn, now she's invading my beloved pro-rasslin? That's where I draw the line! Where's the Boogeyman? She needs some worms shoved down her throat!

Aw shit, she was there with the Sunshine Foundation helping children (that's NOT one of them on the left by the way)?

I don't care. Move away from the WWE Lohan, it's too classy for you!


No Chyna? No Maksim?

The cast of the next season of Dancing With the Staa--uh, Stars was announced yesterday.

Everyone who was afraid that Steve Guttenberg had been kidnapped by aliens can breathe a big sigh of relief!

Everyone who was afraid that Shannon Elizabeth hadn't been kidnapped by aliens--well, you're out of luck there.

Here are the match-ups:

Olympic Gold Medal skater Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark Ballas
Actress Priscilla Presley and Louis van Amstel
NFL star Jason Taylor and Edyta Sliwinska
Actor Cristian de la Fuente and Cheryl Burke
R&B singer Mario and Karina Smirnoff
Oscar-Award-winning actress Marlee Matlin and Fabian Sanchez
Illusionist Penn Jillette and Kym Johnson
TV and Radio Personality Adam Carolla and Julianne Hough
Actress Shannon Elizabeth and Derek Hough
Actress Marissa Jaret Winokur and Tony Dovolani
Former Tennis Champ Monica Seles and Jonathan Roberts
Actor Steve Guttenberg and Anna Trebunskaya

Marlee Matlin? She's deaf!--take that Heather Mills!


Let's Go Guttenberg!!!

Speaking of DWTS vets, boxer Floyd Mayweather may not have done so well on the dance floor, but he may be better in the ring. Not the boxing ring, the wrestling ring! On Sunday night's WWE No Way Out pay-per-view, Floyd interrupted Big Show's return and the two got into an altercation. While that was planned, Big Show's broken nose wasn't. The two met up again on last night's live Raw broadcast and accepted Big Show's challenge to a match which will take place at Wrestlemania.


Is nothing sacred?

So someone at New York Magazine thought it would be a good idea to recreate Marilyn Monroe's final photo shoot starring Lindsay "Don't Call Me Firecrotch" Lohan. They even got original photographer Bert "I'm hard up for cash" Stern to shoot the spread (no pun intended).

I have a feeling whoever got this brilliant idea is also responsible for this crap.

To exemplify the sacrilege, below are some photos from the Lindsay shoot side-by-side with the Marilyn originals: