Thursday, February 19, 2009

The 1st Annual Assy Awards

On this Oscar Eve, we'd like to welcome you to the 1st Annual Assy Awards. However in honor of this year's big movies, I think it's appropriate to call them the Kill Your Assy Awards. Seems like every film that came out this year was a major downer. So in recognition of just how freaking much we all wanted to slit our wrists after watching these films, we'll start with our first category:

(Caution: these nominees contain spoilers, so if you haven't yet seen or have had these movies spoiled for you, skip to the next category.)

And the nominees are:

Home Abortion Kit: what could possibly go wrong? - Revolutionary Road

Wait a minute, this movie was actually really fucking sad. That cute Bollywood dance routine at the end doesn't change that! I mean, that Marc Anthony looking fucker BLINDED a little boy!- Slumdog Millionaire

"Whoa, I finally realize that killing hundreds of people is worse than being illiterate. I've gotta hang myself right now, but how will I ever reach my noose? Oh yeah, I can climb up on all these books! How ironic and dramatic!" --The Reader

"Hey kid, I'm broken down, washed up and have no real friends, wanna play an old Nintendo game from my glory days in my trailer? You could even tell me how much it sucks compared to new technology."-- The Wrestler

It's bad enough they killed the dog, but did they have to draw it out for So. Fucking. Long? - Marley and Me

And the Assy goes to:

Comeon now, everybody knows there is nothing worse in a movie than when a dog dies. Especially when they trick the public into thinking the movie is going to be a fun, sweet, holiday film for the whole family. To be fair, I didn't actually see it, but come on, the dog DIED. I'm sure parents everywhere that had to comfort their hysterical children on the ride home from the theater will agree with this choice.

Ok everyone, put the razor blades down, yes you too Randy the Ram. Let's lighten things up a bit, huh?


"Did I ever tell you I was stuck by lightning seven times?" - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

"Then Kurt Cobain had to come along and fuck it all up" - The Wrestler

"We are going to go on a big boat." - Revolutionary Road

"You never go full retard." - Tropic Thunder

"Get off my lawn" - Gran Torino

And the Assy goes to:


Gotta give it to Dirty Bunker in Gran Torino. That was the only moment in that wretched movie worth watching.


Nixon drunk dials David Frost and loses his shit - Frost/Nixon

Randy the Ram blades himself --on a deli meat slicer! - The Wrestler

Paris Hilton's face falls off - Repo! The Genetic Opera

"The End" - The Reader

And the Assy goes to:

Paris Hilton's face falling off in Repo! The Genetic Opera. It really doesn't get much more awesome than that. Well, maybe if her genitals fell off too (and that wouldn't be much of a stretch for Valtrex girl). Congrats Paris!


DISHWASHER RACE!!! - Rachel Getting Married

Sex scene #32: WE GET IT ALREADY! - The Reader

Clint Eastwood gets a shave and buys a suit... AKA: Foreshadowing sequence for all the idiots that can't see the ending of this movie coming a mile away. - Gran Torino

What the fuck? Brad Pitt shrunk down to a baby? I was buying this curious shit until this crap!- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

And the Assy goes to:

The dishwasher race in Rachel Getting Married. TEN FUCKING MINUTES OF THIS SHIT?!!!! I stuck through it because I was really hoping that appliance would go bad like in the horror classic "Attack of the Killer Refrigerator":

but sadly, it didn't.


Randy and Pam's duet to "Round and Round" - The Wrestler

The groom randomly serenades his new bride with Neil Young - Rachel Getting Married

The awesomely awful vocal stylings of Pierce Bronsan -Mamma Mia!

"Zydrate Anatomy" - Repo! The Genetic Opera

And the Assy Goes to:

The movie sucked, but this song was pretty awesome (yes, even with Paris). Plus, that Graverobber dude was hot.

NOTE: Unfortunately, "Dah Duh Dah Duh Dah Duh" by Christian Bale was deemed ineligible for this year's Assy Awards since "Terminator: Salvation" has not yet been released, otherwise it would have been the clear winner.


Marley and Me

Hotel For Dogs

Beverly Hills Chihuahua

And the Assy goes to:

My reasoning is this:
  • Marley and Me is definitely out for reasons stated above.
  • I didn't see Hotel for Dogs
  • Beverly Hills Chihuahua is about the greatest breed of dogs

Best Use Of a Guns N' Roses Song In a Film:
(You knew I was gonna go there)

"If the World" - Body of Lies

"Welcome to the Jungle" - Death Race

"Sweet Child O' Mine" - The Wrestler

And the Assy goes to:

"Sweet Child O' Mine" in The Wrestler!! Since it was the only movie of those three that didn't suck! Which goes to show that even GN'R can't save a sucky movie.

Here to perform the winning song is 1988 era Guns N' Roses. (Because it's my awards show):

Best Use of Shit in a Film:

Jamal really, really wants that autograph - Slumdog Millionaire

Sucks to be the camera guy - Zach and Miri Make a Porno

And the Assy goes to:

It's a tie! Because there just weren't enough shit scenes in movies this year:


Best Boobs in a Film:

Kate Winslet - The Reader

Marisa Tomei - The Wrestler

Zoe Kazan - Revolutionary Road

Meryl Streep - Doubt

And the Assy goes to:

Marisa Tomei in The Wrestler. Kate's won enough awards, and sorry, but about a half hour into The Reader, I was yelling at her to put some damn clothes
on. Marisa rocked those B cups and at 44, she looked better than a lot of women half her age.

And no, I didn't read the wrong name off the card!

Oh yeah, also, I was kidding about Meryl Streep.

Best Supporting Actor:

The guy that got struck by lightning seven times - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Ron Howard's brother as the camera guy- Frost/Nixon

Diego Luna as Harvey's annoying boyfriend - Milk

Verne Troyer as Benjamin Button as a baby - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

And the Assy goes to:

Verne Troyer as baby Benjamin Button!!


That wasn't Mini Me?
No shit?

Ok, well I guess that was a mistake. Verne wasn't in the movie. So we are going to give the Assy to Ron Howard's brother in Frost/Nixon, because let's face it, that film ain't gonna win anything tomorrow night.

Best Supporting Actress:

Marisa Tomei - The Wrestler

Amy Adams - Doubt

Taraji P. Henson - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Rumer Willis - The House Bunny

And the Assy goes to:

Rumer Willis in The House Bunny!! Because Rumer gets a lot of shit, but this scene in The House Bunny ripped off Forrest Gump way better than the entire 2 1/2 hours of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. (sorry it's dubbed, it's the only one I could find. It makes it kind of artsy though.)

Best Actor:

Mickey. No joking here, he better fucking win tomorrow.

Best Actress:

Again, no reason even nominating anyone else, Kate Winslet for her performance at the Golden Globes. Not only did she act soooo surprised and humble, but she referred to Angelina Jolie as "the other one." You rule Kate!

Best Picture:


Thank you so much for attending the 1st Annual Assy Awards! To take us out, in honor of Bruce Springsteen's snub, here is a medley of overlooked Oscar songs throughout the years:

See you next year!

America got it wrong....WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night on the American Idol results show, the first three members of the top 12 were chosen.

After Alexis Grace and Michael Sarver (why?) took the first two chairs of victory, it came down the goddess that is Tatiana and douchebag dead wife pimper Danny Gokey for the final two spots. After dragging it out "after the break" solely in hopes for a Tatiana meltdown, here's how it went:

Hey, Danny's friend: Cue the photo of Danny and his dead wife!

I can't believe America bought into that shit.
So fucking wrong!

It really, really pisses me off. So much so, that I'm having a hard time putting it into words. So at this time, I'd like to introduce our special guest, WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Edge, to tell America just how fucking wrong they were to put Danny through instead of Tatiana.

I think that sums it up pretty well. Thank you Edge.

At least Simon agrees:

Fuck you Danny Gokey. Watch him pull some Kanye West at the 2008 Grammys bullshit.

Hopefully we haven't seen the last of Tatiana and she will be back for the wild card show.

Oh, and hey Michael "I'm a nice guy so put me through" Sarver, THIS is how you sing "I Don't Wanna Be":

If Norman Gentle doesn't get through next week, I don't know what I'm going to do.

AWESOME PHOTOCHOPS COURTESY OF VOTEFORTHEWORST.COM - well, I don't know about the courtesy part, I just kind of took them, but I am giving credit so I think that's pretty courteous.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Asshat Idol - Week 1 - Group 1 of Top 36

I don't even know why I am bothering after the suckfest that was last night. Let's just get this over with.


Pretty much all of them were big fat failure turtles, but Casey Carlson butchering the Police was probably the suckiest:

(sorry, couldn't find a better video)


Gotta give it to Seacrest.


"Have I told you about my dead wife lately? No? Well, let me tell you my sad story as I sing a sad song and point up to the sky dramatically." Gokey. Ugh. Of course he's going to make the top 12 and he's going to irritate the shit out of me every damn week.

PS - Robert Downey Jr. called, he wants his look back.


Know what? She didn't suck as much as most of the others. Someone obviously told her to take the crazy down a notch, but it had some weird results. After she was done with her song and Ryan was interviewing her on the couch (not sure if she was on the hard part) the drama came back a little and she pled to America to vote to make her dream come true.

And I did!

It ain't pretty when the pretty leaves you with no place to go

Hey, remember Rockstar:INXS? Think......

Ok, well, INXS have kicked winner J.D. Fortune out of the band, and apparently he's homeless now. (Is anyone else surprised that they were even still together? They had that one album, toured, and then we never heard from them again.)

Fortune, real name Jason Dean Bennison, recently told Canada's Entertainment Tonight how INXS delivered the news that he just wasn't roit for the band after all. JD said, "I was in an airport (in) Hong Kong and literally got a handshake. They said, 'Thank you very much.' I found myself really alone because I had traveled with these guys for 23 months. I don't know where I am going from sofa to sofa, from night to night. I am trying to get through my life."

JD also confessed that the firing might have been the result of his cocaine addiction, adding, "It got as bad as it needed to be for me to numb out the fact that I knew this was going to come to a screeching halt." He also says that he has been clean for two years.

Look for JD to appear on the next season of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

RIP Loki

"Sometimes when a man’s alone, all you got is your dog.”

This is so freaking sad. Mickey Rourke's beloved Chihuahua, Loki, has crossed over the Rainbow Bridge before getting to see her best friend win an Oscar.

Loki was 18 years old and died yesterday morning.

Mickey flew Loki to Italy for the screening of The Wrestler at the Venice Film Festival last year. He explained, "Loki is the love of my life. My dog is very old and she is not going to be around for long so I want to spend every moment with her."

Excuse me a minute..........I have something in my eye.


More bullshit with Nadya Suleman

"All lies. I have no interest in her. None," she says. "I've never been a fan of anybody famous. Now I kinda have a taste. But it's not being famous – it's being infamous. It's a nightmare." - Octomonster desperately trying to keep her name in the news by still denying that she is obsessed with St. Angelina.

By the way, if anyone out there is bummed that Nadya's donation website is closed, have no fear!! Donate to this guy!


Aren't the 15 minutes up on her yet?

16.9 Billion? Oui!

Belated congrats go out to Salma Hayek and her billionaire babydaddy Francois-Henri Pinault who wed in a small ceremony in Paris this past Saturday (Valentine's Day).

PEOPLE will reveal details of the wedding in their new issue. Salma wore white, carried red and white roses, and said her "I Do" in French.

An attendee told the magazine, "The bride was extremely beautiful, even when she was crying tears of joy. They were extremely happy."

Salma,42, and Francoi, 46 (not a typo) have been dating on and off for three years and have a daughter together.