On this Oscar Eve, we'd like to welcome you to the 1st Annual Assy Awards. However in honor of this year's big movies, I think it's appropriate to call them the Kill Your Assy Awards. Seems like every film that came out this year was a major downer. So in recognition of just how freaking much we all wanted to slit our wrists after watching these films, we'll start with our first category:
MOST DEPRESSING MOVIE MOMENT OF THE YEAR:
(Caution: these nominees contain spoilers, so if you haven't yet seen or have had these movies spoiled for you, skip to the next category.)
And the nominees are:
Home Abortion Kit: what could possibly go wrong? - Revolutionary Road
Wait a minute, this movie was actually really fucking sad. That cute Bollywood dance routine at the end doesn't change that! I mean, that Marc Anthony looking fucker BLINDED a little boy!- Slumdog Millionaire
"Whoa, I finally realize that killing hundreds of people is worse than being illiterate. I've gotta hang myself right now, but how will I ever reach my noose? Oh yeah, I can climb up on all these books! How ironic and dramatic!" --The Reader
"Hey kid, I'm broken down, washed up and have no real friends, wanna play an old Nintendo game from my glory days in my trailer? You could even tell me how much it sucks compared to new technology."-- The Wrestler
It's bad enough they killed the dog, but did they have to draw it out for So. Fucking. Long? - Marley and Me
And the Assy goes to:
Comeon now, everybody knows there is nothing worse in a movie than when a dog dies. Especially when they trick the public into thinking the movie is going to be a fun, sweet, holiday film for the whole family. To be fair, I didn't actually see it, but come on, the dog DIED. I'm sure parents everywhere that had to comfort their hysterical children on the ride home from the theater will agree with this choice.Ok everyone, put the razor blades down, yes you too Randy the Ram. Let's lighten things up a bit, huh?
MOST AWESOME QUOTE IN A MOVIE:
"Did I ever tell you I was stuck by lightning seven times?" - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
"Then Kurt Cobain had to come along and fuck it all up" - The Wrestler
"We are going to go on a big boat." - Revolutionary Road
"You never go full retard." - Tropic Thunder
"Get off my lawn" - Gran Torino
And the Assy goes to:
"GET OFF MY LAWN"Gotta give it to Dirty Bunker in Gran Torino. That was the only moment in that wretched movie worth watching.
MOST AWESOME MOVIE MOMENT:
Nixon drunk dials David Frost and loses his shit - Frost/Nixon
Randy the Ram blades himself --on a deli meat slicer! - The Wrestler
Paris Hilton's face falls off - Repo! The Genetic Opera
"The End" - The Reader
And the Assy goes to:
.jpg)
Paris Hilton's face falling off in Repo! The Genetic Opera. It really doesn't get much more awesome than that. Well, maybe if her genitals fell off too (and that wouldn't be much of a stretch for Valtrex girl). Congrats Paris!MOST POINTLESS SCENE IN A FILM:
DISHWASHER RACE!!! - Rachel Getting Married
Sex scene #32: WE GET IT ALREADY! - The Reader
Clint Eastwood gets a shave and buys a suit... AKA: Foreshadowing sequence for all the idiots that can't see the ending of this movie coming a mile away. - Gran Torino
What the fuck? Brad Pitt shrunk down to a baby? I was buying this curious shit until this crap!- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
And the Assy goes to:
The dishwasher race in Rachel Getting Married. TEN FUCKING MINUTES OF THIS SHIT?!!!! I stuck through it because I was really hoping that appliance would go bad like in the horror classic "Attack of the Killer Refrigerator":
but sadly, it didn't.
MOST AWESOME MUSICAL PERFORMANCE IN A FILM:
Randy and Pam's duet to "Round and Round" - The Wrestler
The groom randomly serenades his new bride with Neil Young - Rachel Getting Married
The awesomely awful vocal stylings of Pierce Bronsan -Mamma Mia!
"Zydrate Anatomy" - Repo! The Genetic Opera
And the Assy Goes to:
The movie sucked, but this song was pretty awesome (yes, even with Paris). Plus, that Graverobber dude was hot.
NOTE: Unfortunately, "Dah Duh Dah Duh Dah Duh" by Christian Bale was deemed ineligible for this year's Assy Awards since "Terminator: Salvation" has not yet been released, otherwise it would have been the clear winner.
BEST MOVIE ABOUT DOGS:
Marley and Me
Hotel For Dogs
Beverly Hills Chihuahua
And the Assy goes to:
My reasoning is this:
- Marley and Me is definitely out for reasons stated above.
- I didn't see Hotel for Dogs
- Beverly Hills Chihuahua is about the greatest breed of dogs
Best Use Of a Guns N' Roses Song In a Film:
(You knew I was gonna go there)
"If the World" - Body of Lies
"Welcome to the Jungle" - Death Race
"Sweet Child O' Mine" - The Wrestler
And the Assy goes to:
"Sweet Child O' Mine" in The Wrestler!! Since it was the only movie of those three that didn't suck! Which goes to show that even GN'R can't save a sucky movie.
Here to perform the winning song is 1988 era Guns N' Roses. (Because it's my awards show):
Best Use of Shit in a Film:
Jamal really, really wants that autograph - Slumdog Millionaire
Sucks to be the camera guy - Zach and Miri Make a Porno
And the Assy goes to:
It's a tie! Because there just weren't enough shit scenes in movies this year:
via videosift.com
Best Boobs in a Film:
Kate Winslet - The Reader
Marisa Tomei - The Wrestler
Zoe Kazan - Revolutionary Road
Meryl Streep - Doubt
And the Assy goes to:
Marisa Tomei in The Wrestler. Kate's won enough awards, and sorry, but about a half hour into The Reader, I was yelling at her to put some damn clothes on. Marisa rocked those B cups and at 44, she looked better than a lot of women half her age.
And no, I didn't read the wrong name off the card!
Oh yeah, also, I was kidding about Meryl Streep.
Best Supporting Actor:
The guy that got struck by lightning seven times - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Ron Howard's brother as the camera guy- Frost/Nixon
Diego Luna as Harvey's annoying boyfriend - Milk
Verne Troyer as Benjamin Button as a baby - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
And the Assy goes to:
Verne Troyer as baby Benjamin Button!!
What?
That wasn't Mini Me? No shit?
Ok, well I guess that was a mistake. Verne wasn't in the movie. So we are going to give the Assy to Ron Howard's brother in Frost/Nixon, because let's face it, that film ain't gonna win anything tomorrow night.
Best Supporting Actress:
Marisa Tomei - The Wrestler
Amy Adams - Doubt
Taraji P. Henson - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Rumer Willis - The House Bunny
And the Assy goes to:
Rumer Willis in The House Bunny!! Because Rumer gets a lot of shit, but this scene in The House Bunny ripped off Forrest Gump way better than the entire 2 1/2 hours of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. (sorry it's dubbed, it's the only one I could find. It makes it kind of artsy though.)
Best Actor:
Mickey. No joking here, he better fucking win tomorrow.
Best Actress:
Again, no reason even nominating anyone else, Kate Winslet for her performance at the Golden Globes. Not only did she act soooo surprised and humble, but she referred to Angelina Jolie as "the other one." You rule Kate!
Best Picture:
DUH!
Thank you so much for attending the 1st Annual Assy Awards! To take us out, in honor of Bruce Springsteen's snub, here is a medley of overlooked Oscar songs throughout the years:
See you next year!
