Friday, May 16, 2008

The most awesome thing you'll see all day

Check out this kick-ass rare performance by KISS!!!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Is nothing sacred?

Hey, this was funnier when I was stoned!

Beavis and Butthead
creator Mike Judge said in a recent interview that he's considering making a live-action movie out of the 90's cartoon. "I feel like it's something I can come back to and do."

No Mike, it's not!

On who would play the characters he said
"I guess Seann William Scott's kinda got Butt-Head eyes. A long time ago, Johnny Depp had said to me that he really wanted to play Beavis. ... He was doing that ['Don Juan DeMarco'] movie with Marlon Brando, and he said Marlon Brando used to imitate Butt-Head, and he would do Beavis."

Ok, Mike, Johnny was JOKING! (Although, he's probably the one person that could maybe make it work.) And Marlon's DEAD!

God, I really hope this doesn't happen.

I wouldn't be totally against another feature-length cartoon though. It could be about what happened to Beavis and Butthead and what they are doing in present time. If they aged in real time, Beavis and Butthead would be around 30 now. I'm sure they'd still be on the couch, but now they wouldn't be able to find any videos on MTV to make fun of. Of course Stuart would be some Bill Gates type millionaire now.


I call bullshit

Remember that picture of Joel Madden and Lindsay Lohan? Well, despite Lindsay currently being a lesbian, Star is running with the scandalous story.

One "on-looker" said, "Their heads were practically touching, and he had his leg over hers. Joel has a flirtatious side, and he definitely wasn't turning her away."

Then Paris supposedly sent Nicole a text that read: "Lindsay was all over Joel!"

Then a "friend of the couple" who claims to be with Nicole at the time said that she tried to call Joel, but he didn't answer the phone. "He was so zeroed in on Lindsay, he never heard his cell ring. Nicole felt so incredibly helpless and upset that she threw her phone against the wall in a rage."

Wow!! That friend saw how Joel was zeroed in on Lindsay and then saw Nicole throw her phone? I had no idea Nicole and Joel are friends with David Copperfield, because those are some magic powers that friend must have had to be in two places at one time!


We can all sleep now!

St. Angelina confirmed yesterday that she is indeed having twins (after Jack Black outed her on the Today Show)

Now Angie's other Kung-Fu Panda co-star Dustin Hoffman has blabbed her due date to Today show reporter Natalie Morales. God, these people need lives of their own!

The babies are due on August 19th.

I'm sure any day now, one of the pandas will reveal the sex of the babies, what the names are, and the birthing method. Stay tuned for the breaking news!


Guess who this is?

If you said Michelle Pfeiffer, you're WRONG!!!

It's Kate Moss!! Apparently dressed as a flasher.

For the first time, everyone in America agreed with Simon

Even though it's scary, watch the whole thing, it's worth it for Simon! It's like a really good horror movie, where you scream and laugh at the same time.

Oh yeah, also
David Archuleta said "Gosh" a record 2,087 times in 10 minutes, David Cook got pimped out some more (with Daughtry background music! NOOO!), in a shocking twist, Syesha was eliminated, and all over the country lame people think they're being clever by saying, "I predict David will win!"

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Two guys, a girl, and a chair

So in case you didn't know, Ryan tells us that it's down to the final three here on American Idol: the student, the actress, and the bartender. Hey, what about the Professor and Maryann?

So each one gets three songs this week - the judges' pick, the producers' pick, and their own pick while we pick the lint out of our bellybuttons and talk about how much they suck.

Let's just get this bitch on shall we?

Ok, we'll start with Syesha:

Yup, like Nikki McKibbon, Kimberly Locke, Jasmine Trias, Vonzell, Elliot, and whatwashername? before her, every year contestant #3 is sacrificed at the alter of the Darklord Lythgoe.

But this year's lamb did not go down without a fight. Even despite being flat-out told by the judges that there's no way in hell she is making the finals (anyone catch Randy refer to her as "number 3?"), Syesha continued on with her one woman show, "The Three-hundred Faces of Syesha: THE MUSICAL!"

For the judges pick, Randy chose the Alicia Keys song "If I Ain't Got You" to Syesha's surprise. Let's see how it went:

What? Oops, hang on, wrong show.

Here we go:

Yup, right there Syesha was playing Syesha Mercado from the failed American Idol wannabe show The One.

Next came Syesha's pick, the sultry "Fever", which she introduced while in the character of Syesha Sue Pickler while Ryan popped a woody over her prop, a "
chay-air." (Maybe he's like that guy that fucks picnic tables.)

For this performance Syesha morphed into the sexy Sas-shay-sa character, but sadly, the chair still stole the show.

Finally, the producers drove the last nail into the coffin by giving Syesha a song from the movie
Happy Feet--you know about penguins? Which are type of birds? And you know who has a weirdo bird-phobia right?

If they don't include a cheesy group number to a medley of different songs about birds (complete with costumes and actual birds) in the finale next week, then this show is clearly not as "in on the joke" as they long so badly to come off as. Yeah, I'm not holding my breath either.

Speaking of breathing problems,

(NOTE: The only part worth watching is that mayor dude's mustache.)

But here, watch this one:

This is actually the first time I enjoyed a David Archuleta performance! Fucking awesome---ly bad! This goes down in history with this and this. If he came up with this gem on his own, then it's just too bad that HellDaddy wasn't banned weeks ago because we could have gotten more of this kind of awesomeness and less boring songs with messages. Plus, 19E would have saved a couple hundred thousand dollars in clearance fees.

It seemed the producers wanted to punish David for that little Sean Kingston incident, so for him they chose Dan Fogelberg's (who all the kids love!) "Longer."

David actually looks like he's sitting in the corner after receiving a beating for acting up in Sunday School. Oh, and did you catch the bird lyric? See, that's code for "Fuck you Jeff!" But the producers made sure to only deliver so much pain that it wouldn't hurt David's chances of making the finale, so of course the judges were instructed to tell him (and America!) how wonderful he was and how, he's definitely, definitely going to be final two. They even back up the bus and run Syesha's lifeless corpse (Syesha's character: Satine from
Moulin Rouge: glamorous death) over again just to make sure we all understand. So is everybody clear? David vs. David. Please, Ryan's already hard at work on his suspenseful "The Next American Idol.......Is.......David........"

Or maybe he's still fucking the chay-air. (Play the first minute below and then pause)

Yup, there he is. Ok, Seacrest, please, we know you're waiting for the end of the show so you can practice the "Private Dance" number from Showgirls and tell Simon that he can fuck you when he loves you, but come on, focus, you have a show to do!

Ok, hit play now and watch David's Cliff Notes version of "Dare You To Move." No, don't, we've seen this before, go back and watch Ryan get freaky with the chair again. Damn, that chair is upstaging everybody tonight, even Cook!

Thankfully, the chair was no where to be found during David's first performance.

Which was awesome. And adorable. And hot. And have I mentioned yet that I love him? And that sometimes when he hits those high notes I wonder if he does that thing where he kind of winces and squeezes his eyes shut when he climaxes in bed as well? I mean, does that make me as pathetic as his weird cougar fans? And, exactly how old do you have to be to be a cougar? Because I'm older than him, but not by that much. And, I love you David Cook.

For the producer's pick...wait, hit pause again. What in the HELL is that thing next to Ryan? That thing with the big dopey grin that keeps turning and looking at Ryan. Did Castro cut the dreads? Seriously, what the fuck is that? I can't stop watching. I'm so gonna have nightmares about this.

Ok, go ahead and hit play to check out the last performance of the night. It's now pretty obvious who the powers that be want to win.

Big rock ballad. Check! String orchestra. Check! Strobe Lights. Check! Loud guitar to force oversinging. Check! The evil Diane Warren sitting in the audience? Check!

Seriously, all that was missing was Ben Affleck, Bruce Willis, an astroid, and Selma Blair's mouth stuck on a Prince Albert piercing. Note to producers: We know he's the best. He doesn't need this kind of overpimping. We liked him better as the underdog. Don't make us grow to resent him, especially if he does win and you castrate him and attempt to turn him into another fucking Daughtry. Oh god, that's what you're going to do! NOO, not my Cookie!! Quick David, change the words to "I Don't Wanna Win This Thing!" Shit, he won't because he's too much of an awesome and stand-up guy to Blake Lewis his way out.

I need a damn nap already.


ACKKKKKKK!!!! I knew I was gonna have nightmares!

Oh god, I gotta get out of here. Sing us out, will ya Syesha?

Never knew how much I could do
Never knew how less you cared
Betcha didn't think I'd make top three
Fuck Ryan, Stop humping my chair!

I'm gonna leave ya,

You're gonna miss me
On the show next Tuesday night
Bastards! Have fun with Archie
My star's still gonna shine bright

Tuesday, May 13, 2008


Ashlee's rumored to be tying the knot this weekend, but poorJess isn't having such great luck in the men department.

It's being reported by a Chicago blog that Tony spent the weekend out on the town, boozing it up with friends
and surrounded by women.

A friend of Tony's told the blog, "They're broken up. He told us they broke up and that was that. We're guys so we didn't talk about it much."

Back to the old drawing board for Papa Joe!


Revolving Jail Door

Scott Weiland turned himself in to jail to serve his 192 hour sentence, and was released after serving only 10 hours.

Let that be a lesson!


Ohhhhhhhhhhh Fuuuuuddddggggeeeeeee

Anchorwoman Sue Simmons made a little fuck-up on yesterday's broadcast. The apology's even better!

Sue's awesome, I think she keeps a flask under the desk.

Check out the clip below:

Monday, May 12, 2008

You know Vanilla Ice is lovin this shit!

Suge Knight got his ass kicked on Saturday. He was outside Shag nightclub in Hollywood and started arguing with another man. Suge yelled "I want my money!" (which I initially read as "I want my mommy!"--which would be so much better!) The man then punched Suge, knocking him to the ground. Of course Suge's posse beat the guy after that and the man is presumably hanging from a balcony somewhere right now.

Suge was taken to the hospital. Police arrived, but he refused to file a report, most likely because he didn't want to admit that he got knocked out by one punch.



Ashley--no ABBY'S back

Here's a couple of clips from tonight's episode of How I Met Your Mother featuring the return of Britney as Abby.

Worst idea ever!

Yo, it's about that time
To bring back the rhythm and the WHY?

So the Funky Bunch are reuniting......without Marky Mark! The original members have teamed up again, recruited new members that are not Oscar-nominated actors and are now calling themselves the The Funk B's.

Original member Scott 'Great Scott' Ross said, "Hector, Terry, and I have had the opportunity to do many wonderful things in and outside of the music industry since the days of (hit single) Good Vibrations. We always knew that we would do another musical venture together. This year it felt like it was the right time to return. The music on our new CD represents the best in world music and the newest members add a great sound and new look to our product!"

Personally, I'm waiting for Hootie and the Blowfish reunion, without Hootie of course.


I smell an Oscar!

Here are some leaked scenes from the upcoming Anna Nicole Smith biopic starring Willa Ford!


Last week Kate Hudson was seen wearing a diamond ring in Boston, so rumors flew that she and on-again boyfriend Owen Wilson were engaged.

Turns out, the ring was for a movie Kate's filming called Bride Wars.

Her rep confirmed that non-news, "She's definitely not engaged."

So everybody calm your asses down.


No more beatings for David!!

Yes, another American Idol story (only two more weeks so deal with it).

So in case you haven't heard, Stage Father From Hell, Jeff Archuleta was banned from the Idol set after he changed up David's performance of "Stand By Me" last week to include lyrics from Sean Kingston's "Beautiful Girls," which cost the show additional clearance fees.

Jeff was also banned from Star Search a few years ago for being a pain in the ass there.

Good job fucknuts, this stunt may hurt Archie's chances of winning now. How awesome would it be if he went home this week and then during his final sing-out went all apeshit and called out his father for being such an asshole? It will never happen, but we (and Syesha) can dream right?


Congrats on your wedding Jenna!

You can finally change your last name!


We love you Brooke!

Gotta give her a big thumbs up for making fun of herself!