Friday, June 22, 2007

Classy Foreign Ad of the Week

The photos above are from a new Brazilian ad campaign for Itambé Fit Light Yogurt. They portray classic scenes from movies with plus-sized models (and apparently, Courtney Love) in place of Sharon Stone, Marilyn Monroe and Mena Suvari.

The most controversial part is the tag line, which translates to "Forget about it. Men's preference will never change. Fit Light Yogurt."

Well, it is Brazil, isn't that the plastic surgery capital of the world?


Paris has seen the light ! (and it's not a camera flashbulb either!)

Well we know she's grateful for Valtrax

Paris Hilton called into Ryan Seacrest's radio show from prison claiming to be a changed woman.

"I'm so much more grateful for everything that I have, even just to have a pillow at night or food,. You know my gratitude has gone up so much and I just realize that the media used me to make fun of and be mean about it. Frankly [I'm] sick of it and I want to use my fame in a good way."

She also discussed the hardships of prison life. "I am behind glass and I want to give my dad a big hug and they won't even let me do that. That's how the rules are, you have to be behind glass. I'm not a criminal, I'm not dangerous, so it makes me feel like that. It's hard but I'm stronger everyday. I just can't wait to see my family and have a nice meal and be in my own bed and appreciate all the things I took for granted and never really thought much about."

Hey she's trying right? Good for her! So just for that I've decided to help her out with a list so she could get started on her newfound appreciation.

Some of the things Paris took for granted and never really thought much about:
  • undergarments
  • night vision
  • kegel exercises (her shit is droopier than this guy)
  • racial slurs
  • cell phone security settings
  • the inhabitants of the city in France
  • the fact that animals, especially wild ones, are not accessories (sorry, I'm on a total animal rights kick today)
  • sexual etiquette (answering a cellphone during sex is the equivalent of farting at the dinner table)
  • Britney Spears' mental health
Add your own!


Asshat Hollywood Picture and Quote Match-up

"I hope all my new work will help producers in getting past my hotness." - Jessica Alba

(By the way, how come whenever one of the Jessica's (Biel) talks about how hot she is, another (Alba) has to also? I'm really getting tired of it and I must applaud Jessica Simpson for keeping her puffed out lips shut for once and not joining in the contest.)


Naked girls & naked [dead] animals is how they roll in Finland

Pamela Anderson has been hanging out in Finland with her father and she's really, really feeling her heritage
(her great-grandfather was was from Finland) and wants to make some changes to the country.

She wrote on her official website:

"Our heritage is here. We are both excited. We will be taking lots of saunas. Save my liver. (HUH? That was random.) Also I thought of a great way to celebrate my Finnish heritage at home. I'm going to look into opening a chain of strip clubs and I'll call them Lapland!'"

In addition to saving lonely men, Pam also wants to help out her home country by saving the animals farmed for fur. Pam has also written to Finnish President Tarja Halonen asking him to ban fur farms.

In the letter Pam says: "It's time for Finland to move into the 21st century and follow suit. There are hundreds of fur farms here. The demand is getting lower for fur coats and they breed foxes here just for fur. Awful. Sweden, Austria and England have banned fur farms. Let's hope Finland will too. Other than that I'm very proud of my Finnish heritage. It is the most beautiful countryside."

Finland's fur auctioneers have replied that Pammie's campaign is unrealistic as fur is Finland's top export and responsible for the "livelihood" of many people and the unlivelihood of the foxes. Fortunately she seems to be having more luck with the other furless venture, Lapland.


Thursday, June 21, 2007

Quick! Someone make a Bridget Jones movie!

Sarah Jessica looks fat next to Renee!


Bad timing, not bad taste (this time)

Given my obsession with all things pro-rasslin, I can't help but feel obliged to comment whenever the WWE makes national news. This time it's over the "death" of chairman Vince McMahon on the 6/11 episode of Monday Night Raw (He's not really dead, see because in case you didn't know, KISS 95.7 , wrestling is FAKE).

See, a couple days after Vince supposedly perished in a limo explosion, former woman's wrestler "Sensational Sherri" Martel was found [for real] dead at her mother's home. Of course the timing couldn't have been worse with the whole McMahon fake-death and now the WWE is being accused of, gasp, poor taste. I know, How dare they! The WWE have always been known for their high standards in providing us classy, quality programming. Geez! I bet next they're going to say that the Katie Vick storyline wasn't an artistic and thought-provoking potrayal of a psychological study on the effects of loss and one man's yearning for closure. The nerve! (Speaking of which, I think Kane is the prime suspect and I wouldn't blame him one bit.)

Plus, Vince "died" before Sherri. And it's not like they are going to have Sherri's husband come on Smackdown every week for two years to milk her death and then try to become Teddy Long's assistant. Oh god, at least I hope not.

Anyway I really hope they don't scrap the whole "Vince is dead" storyline because I'm so happy we won't have to see him every damn week.
UPDATE- Looks like the they aren't dropping the storyline anytime soon.


Just can't get enough of the little lad who loves Starburst Berries and Cream?

I know I can't, he's one hot piece of ass. I have fantasies of a menage a trios with him and the Burger King. Ooh baby... Pardon me while I go rub one out.

I smell a Tony

You just can't make this stuff up. Coming to Broadway soon will be a new show called "Idol: The Musical". Described as "a satirical musical comedy that focuses on the outrageous and delusional fan base of American Idol," the story will be about a group of Claymates in Ohio who gather in a barn to 'worship' a shrine to Aiken.

The sad part is, it's based on a true story. (Well I don't know that, but I'd be willing to bet....) The show ends on a sad note with a mass-suicide by poisoned Coca-cola after the Claymates are shocked and horrified to learn that their beloved studmuffin prefers dudes. (Ok, I don't know that either, but it should.)

I hope they get the guy on the left to play Clay. That would rule!


Shut up Jessica!

"At first I felt really embarrassed about it. You know, it's a weird thing to talk about. Like, 'Hey, guys. Guess what?' You don't just go telling everybody that. But after I got over that, I just started to embrace it. I started thinking, if I ever do have kids, and if they have kids, I can tell them: 'You know what? Your grandma in 2000-and-whatever was the Sexiest Woman Alive. How about that, kids?' That's what I started to think about. I'll always have that picture to say, 'That's what Granny used to look like.'" - Jessica Biel on embracing her sexiness.

I'm so relieved she is finally at peace with this.


Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Hello? Bueller?

First off, I'd like to apologize to the five people that read this site. I took some time off to deal with some personal crisises and other assorted bullshit that someone up there (or down there) thinks I can handle (Note to them: I CAN'T MOTHERFUCKER!! GO BOTHER RACHEL RAY OR SOMETHING.)

But looking back on what I missed, I can't feel too bad. There really hasn't been much excitement since the hoopla over over the Paris prison sentence (which while fine for gossip sites, the major news organizations should be royally ashamed of themselves for covering like 911.)

I mean, what the hell is going on with our Hollywood celebutards and sociallice? Paris is locked away, Nicole might be pregnant, the Olsen twins: still creepy, but legal now, and Britney's wearing panties. Yawnie, yawnie, mcyawn.

Yup, my spirit has been broken a little. I actually thought I'd be happy not having to hear about these morons for a while, but it's kind of sad in a way. Like, it kind of forces all of us to deal with our own shit instead of laughing at others' drunken missteps.

Anyway, I found myself thinking and walking alone, ok, I found myself looking for something to do to avoid doing actual work (which is piled to the ceiling) so I decided to put my thoughts into song and composed this little number about the downfall of our favorite girls. I hope you enjoy it. Ok, I hope you don't think it sucks. Too much. Ahh fuck it, don't read it then. No one's holding an umbrella to your head!

The Party Has Died
(sung to the tune of American Pie)

A short, short time ago...
I can still remember
How those skanks used to run wild
And I knew if I had my chance
Up on a table I’d dance
And, maybe, they’d be coked out for a while.

But then something made me shiver
Fate’s working harder than Lohan’s liver
Bad news on TMZ;
I think you’d probably agree

I can’t remember exactly what was said
When I read about how Britney shaved her head
But something told me deep inside
The party was gonna die

Why, why, what’s come over these guys?
Drank some chanti and ditched my panties,
But there was no one at Hyde
And Britney and Lindsay promisin’ to stay dry?
Singin’, "please don’t say the party has died.
"Please don’t say the party has died

Where’s the Paris we know and love?

She now has faith in God above

Does the Bible tell her so

Do you believe in reforming hoes

Will prison save her spoiled soul

And can she still teach me how to dance on a pole?

Well, I know that you’re in love with Linds

And all the trouble she be gettin’ in

But her crotch burned out at the fuse.

Now she’s 12-steppin’ to get off the booze (or so she says)

Nicole was a loudmouth anorexic fuck
With her invitations instructing us to upchuck

But now she just may be knocked up

It really seems... the party’s died.

I started singin’,
Why, why, what’s come over these guys?

Drank some chanti and ditched my panties,
But there was no one at Hyde

And Britney and Lindsay promisin’ to stay dry?

Singin’, "Please don’t say the party has died."

"Please don’t say the party has died"

[This is the last verse (if Madonna can do it, so can I) ] :

And in the streets: the paparazzi weeps
Mary Hart cries, and the publicists sleep

Not a dirty word is printed

Not a scandal is hinted

The blogs have nothing to post
Where are these girls when we need them most?

It’s time for the new generation to step up,
Come on Dakota, grab a cup!

And get this party revived

All together now:
Why, Why, what’s come over these guys?
Drank some chanti and ditched my panties,
But there was no one at Hyde
And Britney and Lindsay promisin’ to stay dry?
Please don’t say the party has died."