Friday, October 31, 2008

Great Moments in Axl History: #24 & 23

#24: Axl's BFF

Then and now

Axl and Sebastian "SAVAGE ANIMAL" Bach go back a long time. But in 2006, the two seemed to become inseparable.

It started with Sebastian popping up at Guns N' Roses' pre-tour shows in New York's Hammerstein Ballroom to duet with Axl. Soon after, the two were spotted everywhere together. They also worked together - Axl recorded on a couple of Sebastian's songs on his Angel Down album, and he let Sebastian in on the recordings for
Chinese Democracy. Baz has said he sings on a song called "Sorry." Later that year, Sebastian opened for GN'R on their tour. And if that's not enough, Sebastian even got to pick up Axl's dry cleaning a few times!!

In all seriousness, Baz has been great for Axl. He really seemed to be able to get Axl to come out of his shell and lighten up. He's kind of like Jessica Tandy's character was to Kathy Bates's in Fried Green Tomatoes, but instead of "TOWANDA!!!" you yell "SAVAGE ANIMAL!" (See Kathy Bates was all depressed and shit....nevermind, no idea where that came from.) Anyway, here's a fun example I found of Sebastian and Axl playing with their lightsabers (get your mind out of the gutter!) and signing autographs after one of the Hammerstein shows.

Here's Baz talking about all the fun they had touring together:
"I spent a better part of a year on the road with him getting fucking crazy! Axl is like a one-man LED Zeppelin. You wanna talk about partying 'til 2PM the next afternoon and showing people how it's done! This motherfucker is like Jack Nicholson on the microphone. I don't even know what the fuck that means! We had Avenged Sevenfold out with us and they're a great band. We were in Europe. We'd do a show at the arena and Axl would go on around midnight. Then he'd go and rent out a club starting at like 5AM every fucking day! I don't know how he found those places! I was like, 'Where the fuck are we going to go at 5AM in Prague, Czechoslovakia?' Sure enough, he gets a club as the sun is coming up and our buses roll in. We stumble up these stairs as the sun is shining in and he says, 'Time to start the party!' I can't even begin to describe that tour."
(Can't you just picture him talking all fast and hyper and cracking himself up? It's like with a male dog, just gotta let him finish.)

It's even rumored that Sebastian may have had a part in convincing Axl to finally release Chinese Democracy! Go Baz!

Here's Bazaxl performing together.

So cute, they just can't quit each other!

#23: The Greatest Video of All Time

This one needs no explanation (even though it does star the evil Stephanie Seymour):

To learn more about the story, read this.


Who looks like a bigger asshat?


or Kim?:

Hey, remember David Cook??

Of course you do, he is the most awesome person of all time you know!

He's going to be on Saturday Night Live tomorrow night! Unfortunately he's only the musical guest (Ben "remember him?" Affleck is hosting.), which is too bad because he was great on Best Week Ever that time. Hopefully they'll put him in a skit too. Something where he gets to talk about magic rainbows!

What's the deal with Madonna and A-Rod?

So Madonna and Alex Rodriguez took separate helicopters to the Hamptons and went to Jerry Seinfeld's place and yada yada yada.

According to a source in the Hamptons:
“A-Rod arrived at the airport by helicopter and was whisked away in one of Seinfeld’s Porsches. Madonna arrived less than an hour later by helicopter and left with Seinfeld in another car."

The source added:
“It is believed they all went to Seinfeld’s mansion for a discreet party for a few hours, before they all left separately.”

Not that there's anything wrong with that. Well,


Asshat of the Week

I haven't done an Asshat of the Week in quite some time, however this fuckhead father sure makes up for all the ones I missed.

Someone call child services. Hell, call Britney. Anyone's better than this piece of shit father.


It's just not Halloween until I hear "She likes the dar-----K!"

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Great Moments in Axl History: #25

#25: Axl vs. James Hetfield

seemed like good idea. The two biggest rock bands of the time double-headlining a tour of stadiums in the summer of '92. What could possibly go wrong?

Surprisingly, not so much, as the Guns N' Roses/Metallica tour started off pretty well and with no major problems.

But then came August 8th in Montreal.

During the beginning of their song
"Fade to Black," which is about wanting to die, Metallica's lead singer James Hetfield nearly did after he walked too close to a pyrotechnic flash and suffered second and third degree burns. Because he is not Axl Rose, Metallica's set was cut short and James was taken to the hospital. Pussy!

This meant that GN'R who were up next after Metallica, would have to take the stage earlier than planned to keep everything moving along, right?

Wrong. Duh! Everyone knows that the energy needs to be
just right, and sometimes you just have to wait. (It's like Heinz, deal with it!) Well, everyone except for those damn Canadians at the show that night, who began to become impatient. The nerve!

Guns N' Roses finally took the stage, but about an hour into their set, Axl ended the show due to throat problems and monitor issues. Those are very, very, serious things dammit! All hopped up on too many Labats and already pissed off about getting gypped out of one band's full show, the crazy Canadians rioted.

Here's Tabitha Soren to tell us all about it (Is anyone else having deja vu watching these old MTV clips?) Oh and if you have an alcoholic beverage, take a swig every time Lars Ulrich tosses his hair back:

You can almost see Axl off-camera yelling to Slash
"The monitors!! Talk about the monitors some more!"

After that incident, things got even worse between Axl and James, St. Anger kind of worse, and the two sparred back and forth ranting about each other to their audiences.


As with many of Axl's feuds, it never resulted in an actual physical fight. (James was a little cowardly.) It is rumored that Metallica's song "King Nothing" is about Axl.

The two really should make up as many years have passed and they now have a lot in common. Both had/have new albums coming out this year and both have issues with illegal downloading.


Oh and speaking of the crazy Canucks, check out this commercial which aired on Canadian television last night:

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Dina Lohan attempted some damage control on the rumors that Lindsay's guest stint on Ugly Betty was cut short from six episodes to four because of Lindsay's behavior and disrespectful actions.

On Lindsay's alleged dispute with America Ferrara: "It was just silly. America's a doll."

On Lindsay bringing a large group of friends on set and trashing her dressing room: "And they said [Lindsay] brought a posse. It was my mother and myself, and Ali. It was not a posse. We had sushi and no one trashed the room."

On why the episode arc was cut to four episodes: "She had fun on Ugly Betty. "It was long hours and when you're on a movie set it's a lot different. She's not used to television, but it was fun."

On Samantha Ronson: "We've known the family for years, so it's great. Sam is so tough and smart. "She's a sweetheart."

Ok, let's activate the Asshat Hollywood Bullshit Translator:

TRANSLATION: "Please, movie and television producers, please buy this load of crap and hire my daughter. I have become accustomed to a certain lifestyle. Lindsay is my only hope. God knows, I've tried with the other one, but she's useless. Hey, how about a reality show about Lindsay and Sam's alternative relationship? I'm accepting of it you know, not like her father. I even said Sam's lovely, see?"


Great Moments in Axl History: #26

#26 The one time we'd actually understand, the show goes on (aka: Axl's Stigmata)

When you go to a Guns N' Roses show, you go sort of half expecting something's going to happen and it will get cut short. You don't want to, but you can't help it. (see #32 Thou Shalt Not Piss Off Axl). So for fans in Dayton Ohio, January 14, 1992's show seemed like one of those nights when only four songs into the show, Axl sliced his hand open on the microphone stand.

Everyone stopped.

Everyone held their breath.

Everyone waited for him to run off the stage (which would have been perfectly acceptable this time).


Amazingly, Axl kept on keeping on. He wrapped a towel around his mangled hand and finished the show without missing a note! He got stitched up later that evening and had surgery the following day. Our leader sure is full of surprises sometimes.

Don't believe it? Here's videographic proof and Kurt Loder does NOT lie:

Ironically, he wisely chose to wear the red booty suit that night.


Those aren't police costumes?

Police raided Kate Hudson's Halloween party at 1am last Sunday morning.

Everything was ok once they realized that wasn't really Amy Winehouse!

The cops ordered the guests to keep the noise down and the party inside the house.

Kate was dressed as a 1960's flight attendant. Other guests included Courtney Cox, as a witch, husband David Arquette as a warlock:

Not sure what Kyle McLaughlin was supposed to be. Mystery maybe?

Toby McGuire as either Aston Kutcher circa 2002 or Kevin Federline.

Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher. I expected more from Sacha.

Winona Ryder (not pictured) attended as a mouse, but left as a baglady. And according to a source, Gerard Butler apparently went as a manho: "All the girls at the party were lining up to talk to Gerard. He left with two very sexy vampires."


This I have to see

When asked by Britain's Channel 4 what she was going to be for Halloween, Burlesque star Dita Von Teese responded: "For Halloween, I'm going to look like a normal girl, put some bronzer on, some spray tan on and wear some jeans. People will ask me where my costume is! I would never do this in normal life, that's why I'll do it at Halloween. It's a bit funny and people think I'm not wearing a costume but I really am."

Also planning on being a "normal girl" this year? Britney Spears.


Monday, October 27, 2008

More asshats in Halloween costumes!

Tori Spelling and family as bees.

Gwen Stefani as an egg. (This is what happens when you wait until the last minute to buy your costume at the party store!)

The Jonas Brothers as overpaid douchey virgins.

Reese and Jake as a couple.

Winehouse sighting!!

Oops, false alarm!

It's just Cindy Crawford at a Halloween party! Extra points for the big white spot under her nose! Great touch!


Great Moments in Axl History: #'s 29 - 27

#29 Axl and Buckethead (aka: The Chicken Coop)

While looking for replacement members for his new version of "Guns N' Roses", Axl Rose figured it would be a good idea not only to get a renowned virtuoso to be his new guitarist, but also someone that people would refer to as 'the crazy one" whenever in a room with Axl.

That person (or something) came in the form of Buckethead. For those that don't know, Buckethead is called that because he wears a KFC bucket.....wait for it..... on his head!! He also wears a Michael Meyers (the horror movie killer, not the guy that played Austin Powers) mask, and is also known to communicate through a hand puppet.

During the ill-fated 2002 Guns N' Roses tour, Buckethead's awesome solos involved a rousing nunchuck routine, the robot, playing the Star Wars theme, then wrapping it all up by giving out toys to the audience members.

Soon though, Buckethead grew tired of the canceled shows and delays with the album (maybe he wasn't so crazy after all!) and decided he wanted out of Guns N' Roses. Axl was not happy about this and tried everything to convince Buckethead to stay in the band. In a rare-display of ass-kissing, Axl accommodated Bucket's every request, which included taking him to Disneyland and having a chicken coop built in the studio. One time, one of Axl's wolfpups got into the coop and took a shit. Since no one else was allowed in the coop, no one cleaned it. Buckethead said he liked the smell and refused to get rid of the shit, resulting in the studio smelling for days. (There was also a rumor that Buckethead had actual chickens in the coop and one of the wolfpups ate them.) Then Buckethead wanted a tv system in the coop so he would be able to watch hard-core porn while he recorded, which was agreed to also until one day Axl saw the crazyass shit he was watching and became offended and said he didn't want it messing with the "creative spirit" of the record (yes, this from a guy who you can actually hear having sex on one of his songs!)

Buckethead eventually flew the coop for good in 2004. Axl's team released the following statement:

During his tenure with the band, Buckethead has been inconsistent and erratic in both his behavior and his commitment, despite being under contract, creating uncertainty and confusion and making it virtually impossible to move forward with recording, rehearsals, and live plans with confidence. His transient lifestyle has made it near impossible for even his closest friends to have nearly any form of communications with him whatsoever.

Hmm, pot, kettle, bucket?

Axl has since hired a guitarist named Bumblefoot. It is rumored that VH1 has contacted Axl and let him know that if Bumblefoot ever leaves, they'd be willing to give him a reality show where all the contestants have really stupid nicknames.

#28 Axl's first basketball game (aka: Who the hell is that? )

Ok, this one weirded me the hell out and I had to watch it several times to make sure it was for real. It's a rare interview of Axl (?) at a Lakers game in 2001, the first time he resurfaced (no pun intended) in public in many years.

It's very bizarre for many reasons. First the obvious: the interviewer asks us
"Do you know who this is?" And everyone's like "No, should we?" Then he tells us it's Axl Rose. Actually the caption says "Axel Rose," but someone in the control room fixes that shit quick. It sounds like him and the tattoos are there, but what? And the behavior, he's all nice and shit. Then in a bizarre moment, there's some foreshadowing when Axl is asked about "Philly fans." It's seriously some whacked out shit. Watch with caution, especially any of you out there that have weird dreams.

On a positive note, we finally have an answer to the age old question of which came first: the surgery or the braids?

#27 Axl Will Rock Them Shorts

Ok, after that last one I think we can all agree that we are in dire need of some tighty whities, yes? Hopefully they are bright enough to bleach out that last image. So here's Axl performing We Will Rock You with Queen at the legendary Freddie Mercury Tribute show in 1992 at Wembley Stadium:


El Stupido

'80's pop star El DeBarge, real name Patrick Eldra DeBarge, was arrested and locked up for possession of a controlled substance. He was picked up on two warrants earlier this month.

We take you now live to his court appearance:

Controlled substance my ass!! Johnny Five is alive!


Hey Larry, Flavor Flav wants his hat back!

The sad part is, Larry King actually believes he is piloting a Viking ship and that his name is Captain Óleifr.

But just let him think that, he's in his happy place and dinner isn't until 4.

Very sad

I'm sure everyone's heard the sad news by now regarding the deaths of Jennifer Hudson's mother, brother, and now (most likely) nephew. The latest developments.

Awful, awful news.

Imagine having to identify your family members' bodies. Horrible!

Keep Jennifer and her family in your thoughts and prayers.