Friday, May 9, 2008

I think you Duggar enough, Jim Bob

Speaking of people the need to be spayed and neutered, have you heard about the Duggar family? These are the asshats in Arkansas that have 17 children aging in range from 9 months to 20 years, all with names beginning with the letter J (I guess they're trying to cover all the J names). Well guess what? Just in time for Mother's Day, baby number 18 is on the way!

The Duggars live in a 7,000-square-foot home. All the children are home-schooled and do chores to keep up with the growing family's needs. And of course, they are going to have a TV show. It will be on Discovery Health. Maybe instead of a TV show, they should consider getting a TV. With cable.
A Flavor of Love marathon should be enough to stop the sperm parade.

So eighteen kids, that's gotta be enough right? (Hey, I just thought of a great name for their show!) Nope!! Not as long as God "wills it." Ok, can I just say right here that that kind of verbal diarrhea pisses the ever loving shed uterine lining out of me? God also wills murder, disease, war, and Heidi and Spencer---that doesn't mean that those are good things.

I'm not even trying to be funny, these people are fucking crazy. They are making their own little cult and those kids are all brainwashed. Check out their daily schedule on their website. Here's an example:

9:00p.m. is Bible time with Daddy. This is probably our favorite time of day. Daddy reads the Bible & we discuss the passage together. We talk about the day & bring out points of how to apply what we have learned. We enjoy making up skits & acting out examples of right responses & wrong responses. Often our little ones will fall asleep as Daddy begins Bible time, still they love to be with us at this special time. Bedtime is 10:00p.m.

Say it with me folks: Creepy. Ass. Shit.

I wonder what these little skits for Daddy Koresh are like, especially the "wrong responses."

But no, it's ok!! Let's reward this kind of shit and make this family into celebrities! Only in America.

I seriously need to stop thinking about this. What can I think about to cleanse my brain? Ok, so Britney calls K-Fed and is like
"hey baby, I got some Frappuccino foam on my nipples...."


It's Britney bitch, Where's your hand K-Fed?

Star Magazine reported not too long ago that Britney and Kevin recently shared a kiss and now they say the two have progressed to having phone sex.

An "insider" tells Star that Britney couldn't sleep one night and called Kevin at 2 am. The talk started about their children but soon the topic got dirty and they weren't talking about Brit's weave.

Since then the two have been reaching out and touching themselves on a weekly basis, says the insider.

Ok, first - ewww! I was going write a fictional transcription of what one of these sessions might be like, but some things are just too gross and scary, even for my polluted backyard mind, so sorry.

Second, who is this insider? Are they listening in to these conversations? Are they getting off too?

Ok, I'm sorry, I'm getting a little queasy now. I guess we should try and see the positive. At least they can't conceive any more children this way.

Another day, another celebrity split

Liv Tyler's rep has confirmed to PEOPLE that Liv and her husband of five years, Royston Langdon (that guy from some band she had a kid with), have split. There was some speculation earlier this week when Liv was photographed not wearing her wedding ring.

Her rep issued the following statement:
"Liv Tyler and Royston Langdon have confirmed their separation. They remain good friends and devoted parents to their son Milo and are requesting that their family's privacy be respected at this time."

I wonder if Rex Manning is still available.


I love the scenes where Steve Tyler performing on stage is intercut with Liv stripping on stage. So touching!

Still Married!!

10 days and still going strong!!!! You go Mimi and Nick!

Thursday, May 8, 2008

They're all wasted!

Wish I was, it would have made last night's show even better.

For anyone who doesn't watch the hour-long American Idol results show because you don't want to sit through 55 minutes of filler, commercials, and guest performances by Today's Top Stars! well you missed out big time last night.
I don't normally recap results shows, but this one NEEDS to be.

Jason, knowing he was going home, thought it would be a nice way to say goodbye to all his friends at American Idol by baking everybody some special brownies.

First Jason offered some to the choreographer for the cheesy opening group song. When Paula heard, she was like "how come you guys never ask me to choreograph these numbers anyway? You know I'm a choreographer right?" And the choreographer was like, "well we want to make the kids look as stupid as possible and that snake move you do is just too awesome for this kind of thing. But I'm kind of feeling tired and would much rather go watch the Wizard of Oz while playing Dark Side of the Moon, so let's hear what you got."

So Paula took a bite of the brownie and said "Ok, how about this. You know what would be cool man? Let's make them all walk really fast...yeah, to Steely Dan! And throw in some box steps and finger snapping! OOH, and then, for the big guitar solo, the door can open and the real guitar player from Steely Dan could come out!!!"

And the choreographer said "well we tried to get him, but he's not available." So then Paula said, "how about Randy Jackson?" "Well, the choreographer said, "he plays bass, but we were gonna ask him anyway, however he was too busy building his shrine to David Archuleta." So Paula was like, "Well shit then. How about that guy? You know, that guy over there. We'll still make it look like a big deal though so maybe we'll fool some people. Oh, and then the kids could suddenly appear over the stage like they teleported or some shit like that....You ever wonder if teleporting is possible? know like molecules separating and reforming....maybe they do on some other planet..I always wondered if I was from some other planet...."

That went on a while. They were all so baked that Paula's idea sounded good so this was the end result:

(You only really need to watch Jason)

So with that accomplished, Jason took some brownies to the set of the Ford "music video" commercial hoping to fuck with everyone a little more.

After a plate of deliciousness, the director decided it would "like, totally be fucking A" to make the contestants wear bright spandex matador outfits, sing "Ring of Fire", and paso double with a Ford Mustang. (For real, you have to be baked to come up with this shit.)

Jason then offered David Cook a brownie and David was like "Fuck no man! I think I've just contracted anorexia thanks to these lime green spandex pants! Who's fucking idea was this anyway?" Jason responded, "Archuleta's dad, I think." So Jason ate his brownies.

He then offered one to Archuleta, but "dad says I'm not allowed any treats until i win American Idol. I can only eat plain oatmeal and brussels sprouts." So Jason ate his brownies too.

Then he asked Syesha, but she said "No thanks, looking at the the three of your guys' smooshed up junk for the past two hours kinda killed my appetite." So Jason ate her brownies.

Then it was time for the pre-taped viewer call-in questions:

It was at that point that Jason regretted having all those brownies.

Next up, some crazyass bitch called in to ask David Cook to go on a date with her and prayed he'd say yes while David prayed for someone to pull the fire alarm :

David's like "First the pants and now this shit? Who did I piss off?"

Jason whispered: "Archuleta's dad dude."

Then Bo Bice!!!!

Yup, hair and makeup were stoned too and took a nap. Thank god! Love you as you are Bo! Notice how he keeps singing "Set me free!" He must have written this song while still under the 19E contract because that shit's worse than the one Katie Holmes signed.

Oh, I forgot, Maroon Five performed (the song sucked, so I'm not gonna bother looking for it on YouTube) but what was awesome is that the singer got into the whole spandex pants thing! Then he told the kids they will all end up jaded and in rehab.

Finally, after Ryan attempted a fakeout earlier in the show that Jason awesomely ruined, it was down to Jason and Syesha. Of course Nigel already told everyone that Jason was going home at 9:01 PM Tuesday night, so it wasn't really a shocker. Jason's reaction is awesome and his video package is even better because it includes a duet of epic proportions.

The rest of the season is all downhill from here.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

It's a Castro World, we just live in it

I should have known better than to get my hopes up when I heard it was 500 songs that shaped Rock n Roll week on Idol. There's some kickass stuff on there (hello: "Welcome to the Jungle"?!), but everyone pretty much played it safe (read: boring) and there weren't any really standout performances (nope, not even Cookie).

Fortunately though, there was Jason Castro and that made up for everything else.

For his first song Jason picked "I Shot the Sheriff" because, Bob Marley had dreads and smoked weed too. Unfortunately though, Jason forget #7 of the American Idol Commandments: "Thou shall not touch a song that a previous contestant has already performed to perfection." Ramiele learned this hard way when she attempted "Alone" three years ago at the beginning of this season and now Jason is learning that his version, no matter how kind the bud, will never top this legendary one.

But as usual with Jason, who gives a shit about the performance? It's everything else that's awesome. Like Jason's dopey mugging and laughing while the judges tell him how awful he was. The more he does it, the more pissed off they get. Randy and Simon want him to care so bad and practically have a conniption when he won't wipe the shit-eating grin off his face. It's masterful. I bet he did that to his teachers in high school and they kept giving him more and more detentions like in The Breakfast Club to try to get him to break it. So by the end of all this Simon's so pissed, he finally yells "What were you thinking?" (and Jason was thinking "BOB MARLEY!") And then Ryan joins in and eggs them on even more by asking them if they're "ticked off." But the most awesome part is at 4:37 where Jason actually mouths the words :"DON'T VOTE!" Watch it, he totally does.

For his second song, Jason stuck with this week's theme of "Songs by People Named Bob" and sang "Mr. Tambourine Man" by Bob Dylan:

Oops, he accidentally forgot some of the words! ACCIDENTALLY ON PURPOSE!!! (I'd bet a dime bag on it!) Because he knew that American Idol Commandment #1 is "Thou shall not forget the lyrics" (Sit down Wayne Brady, nobody called your ass) and he also knew that would send Simon over the edge. I just wish he picked "Unchained Melody" (which btw, would fit the Bob theme!) instead. I think he mouths "No" at the end when Ryan's telling us to vote.

You just gotta love this guy, he's taking not giving a shit to a level Sanjaya Malakar's mohawk could never reach! We salute you Jason Castro, you truly are a real man of genius!


Hello? .... Oh, hey David, what are you up to? .... Just phoning in some Duran? That's cool I guess. You're allowed. I mean, I wish you would have done something really awesome, but it's ok, you can't be expected to turn in a phenomenal performance every time. And luckily, your dad isn't Mr. Archuleta, so at least you don't have to worry about getting hit........... Oh, don't be so hard on yourself Cookie, it's because you've set the bar so high for yourself.............. Really dude, you need to relax. Listen, after this, go chill with Jason. He's apparently got some really good shit tonight, kay?....What's that? What am I wearing? Oh nothing really, just a smile and some body paint in the shape of a crossword puzzle. Ooh, your hot wordnerd ass likes that, don't you? What? You wanna solve five down? That's a really long word you know, it goes down to my.... Wait, what? Song's over? Well shit! Ok, talk to you later then. Bye! No you hang up! No you hang up! No you! No you!

David actually did show up for the second song (which is NOT called "Teenage Wasteland" people!). Simon even welcomed him back. But still, it was kind of like showing up to work with a hangover: off. Not that I ever show up to work with a hangover. Or write on a blog all day during work. Never.

Soon to drop the Mercado and just be SYESHA!

For a minute I thought I accidentally hit the button on the DVR and started a replay of the Grammys but then I was like "that's not Beyonce!"

Syesha is awesome because every week she pulls out all the stops in an effort to stay in the competition. She is the yin to Jason Castro's yang. This performance was as over-the-top as one could hope for. And yay to that because at least somebody really tried this week!

The Syesha concert continued when Syesha brought the house down (well everyone in the house except for Randy Jackson, that is) with "A Change is Gonna Come." This was arguably the best of the night (by arguably, I mean that the only person arguing is Randy Jackson). And guess what folks? She's human!! Tears!! Who knew? Syesha gets very emotional when the judges (except Randy) finally give her the praise she's been longing for week after week after week.

Congrats Syesha!! (Now please stop talking about how the lyrics of the song are about the civil rights movement and how they parallel your experience on American Idol before you lose any votes from people who think you are actually comparing your experience on American Idol to the civil rights movement! Even though, this season, there might be something to that.)

Did I mention Randy is a douche? Well guess what Randy? I'm not posting your little golden boy's boring songs because I can't bear to sit through watching him sing them and you come all over yourself again. So take that!

Instead, let's watch Jason again:

Ugly Lindsay

PEOPLE (who else?) has released the first photo of Lindsay Lohan filming a scene for her guest stint on Ugly Betty. Lindsay will appear in six episodes beginning with the May 22nd season finale (which will also feature Naomi Campbell).

The scene above is a flashback to Betty's high school days.
See, Lindsay is going to play a former high school bully that resurfaces in Betty's life when Daniel goes to a doctor to get a tattoo removed and she is the doctor's ditzy receptionist and...wait...

This is a photo of:

A) A homeless man who really does use the handouts for food.

B) Weird Uncle Louie.

C) Weird Uncle Bob.

D) Russell Crowe.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Creepy Ass Shit

This kind of stuff makes me feel better about myself because while I can admit that I'm addicted to American Idol, I can safely say that I am not a fucking freak:

Exhibit A: Pocket Archuleta! Current price: $81.00 (20 bids)

Now Paula really can hang him from her rearview mirror and he'll stay small and cute forever just like his dad wants him!

I see you!!

Exhibit B: Jason Castro 12 inch male fashion doll! Current price: $112.50 (15 bids)

Matching bong sold separately

Exhibit C: David Cook Analog Heart CD (Out of Print) Current price: $358.00 (24 bids)

THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY EIGHT DOLLARS??!! I hope for that much they at least throw in a David Cook American Idol Gorgeous Snow Globe Magnet!

Geez, this is getting into Claymate territory!

Sadly though, I couldn't find one bid on any Syesha Mercado merch.

Poor Syesha, even recently booted Brooke White is still outselling her on Ebay. The outfit Brooke wore after last Wednesday's show is currently up to $144.99!


Hey....wait a minute...

Is that my?

It is!!

She-Ra, what the hell do you think you're doing?!!

"Oh fuck off! How come I never got cool accessories like this? All I got was a stupid plastic sword that couldn't cut a bitch to save a fucking life!"

Jason: "Uhhhhhhhhh...I got the munchies... Hey, I know, let's go find Strawberry Shortcake..and EAT HER!"

She-Ra: "Bring it Spazzboy!"

Britney shows up to court!

Britney and Kevin are in court RIGHT THIS MINUTE for the latest hearing in their custody battle. I just can't stand the excitement!!!


I have to give her some credit though, she has been trying and she's been looking a lot better lately, here she is in a scene from her upcoming return to How I Met Your Mother:

Doogie looks so pissed.

(Neil recently said on Britney's possible return: “I’m in the minority that our show does not need stunt casting in order to succeed. I worry that if they start Will and Grace-ing us too much, that the show will suffer. And we’re all really proud of the content of the show.”)

Lindsay is:

A) Deciding whether she should try to pop a bigass zit on Joel's face.

B) About to start sucking Joel's nose after spotting some cocaine residue in his left nostril.

C) Being told delicately by Joel that the leggings comeback has run its course.

D) About to get her ass kicked by Nicole Richie.


Monday, May 5, 2008

For real?

I'm starting to wonder if these two are really just fucking with us and that shit like this is some kind of weird existential performance art.

That's what I keep telling myself anyway.


One engagement, one rehab, ok, who's having a baby?

Dennis Rodman's manager confirmed that he entered outpatient rehab this morning in Fort Lauderdale.

But since it's outpatient, he doesn't have to stay there or anything. Hopefully it will be enough to get the judge to go easy on him for (allegedly) beating up his girlfriend last weekend.

Good luck Dennis, you piece of shit!


We love you Bai!!

Breast Cancer is on the rise and it has been proven that self-examinations are a woman's best defense against the disease. Thanks for setting the example Bai!

To learn more about self breast exams, please visit:



It was just announced that singer extraordinaire, Scarlett Johansson and boyfriend Ryan Reynolds are engaged! Scarlett's rep confirmed the news to PEOPLE.

Expect a baby announcement any day now. I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother.

Congrats to the boring couple!


Jamie Lynn's Shower!

It seems like just yesterday that we found out little Jamie Lynn Spears was knocked-up. Well, she had her baby shower this past Saturday. And soon-to-be Auntie Britney was there!

Star reports that the shower was held in Kentwood at an estate that Britney purchased for her mother. The menu included included cold cuts, juice, and champagne.

Britney didn't smoke around Jamie and even told guests to smoke outside! Wow, that is HUGE!!!

The next day Britney and Jamie Lynn took a drive together and lunched at Son
ic. A source said,"Both of them were just glowing, totally happy to be together." I'm sure the glowing part had to do with the greasy food.


Falling Down (twice)

Did you hear? Scarlett Johansson wants to be a singer now! Here's her new video, called "Falling Down."

Ok, was anyone able to get through more than 5 seconds of that loose stool? (And it doesn't count if you fell asleep!) Woody Allen probably told her she could sing in yet another attempt to get into her pants. And what's with the Sinead ripoff? I was waiting for her to start singing about how she goes out every night and sleeps all day.

Fuck that shit.

Here's another video to a song called "Falling Down", only the difference is that this one's awesome:

Great band: check!
Kickass song: check!
Ode to classic 80's movie: check!