An Open Letter to E! Entertainment Network

To Whom It May Concern (I'm guessing that probably includes Ryan Seacrest):

I am writing to you as an avid viewer of your network. (Well I don't watch that Kimora Simmons show or Katie and Peter - who the hell are they anyway? Oh yeah, and Keeping Up the Kardashians? Come on now. I think I speak for most of America when I say "WHY?!" For the record The Girls Next Door are also in the "why" category. You really need to adopt the following motto for deciding whether or not to give talentless Hollywood bimbos reality shows: "Already seen their boobs? Keep them off the tube." A lot of suffering could be spared that way.)

So basically, I watch The Soup and sometimes a couple of minutes of one of your various pointless countdown shows on a Saturday afternoon (although that's usually only if I've already seen the pointless countdown show that simultaneously airs on VH1.)

Did I mention I really love The Soup?

One thing I really did enjoy was a couple of years ago when you had the Michael Jackson courtroom reenactments. That shit ruled. That was appointment TV right there.

Now I know you're probably thinking, "that was over two years ago, what would make you think of that?" (Unless you are Ryan, I know what you're thinking about. Oh and I hate to tell you but everyone knows, so just admit it already. You'll feel better. Just ask Lance Bass.) Today I was reading a story on Britney's latest court appearance. Her lawyer reportedly defended Brit not showing up to her 8:00 AM drug test by saying that pop stars don't get up that early. She even told the judge: "You are not a pop star with a number one album, so you don't know," which resulted in the the courtroom erupting in laughter. While reading this, I was picturing the scene in my head (as I'm sure everyone who did was) and it was awesome. Then I thought, how much more awesomer would it be to actually see it for real? Now as we all know, sadly, cameras are prohibited from the courtroom, much like they were in the Michael Jackson case. DING DING DING!!! Courtroom reenactments!

You guys really need to do this!! Since it's from actual transcripts and there is no need for writers, it's perfect timing with the strike that's going on. You could get Mini-Britney to play Britney and for Kevin, well, the real K-Fed isn't doing much these days! And you can call it Law and Chaotic Order. And why just stop at Britney? OJ's back in court! Every day there's some moron celebrity getting busted for drunk driving instead of just hiring a damn driver or taking a freaking cab, so the possibilities are endless. Ripped from the tabloid headlines!

Of course I will be taking a small percentage for coming up with the idea, but I'm not greedy. Just give me one Kardashian asscheek's worth. That's plenty for my modest lifestyle. I mean what more do you need than Taco Bell 7 Layer Burritos and a couple bottles of Boones Farm? I'm sure Britney herself would hear me on that one.

Think about it and get back to me.

Sincerly,

Your Mama
Asshathollywood.com